Folding Her Clothes and Folding My Desire
I loved folding her clothes in the laundry. There was something cool about the jeans that were on such a different scale than mine. I could only imagine her beautiful legs and feet and toes as I origami-ed them into a warm fortune cookie.
The first time I remember looking into her eyes during love making and finding her bored was a year or so after my vasectomy. I was astonished. It was like looking back into my high school or college years and seeing the ho hum partner in a ho hum state of repose. I was flattened. I stopped. I didn’t want to continue in that relationship.
“Where’d you go? I wanted to ask. But I didn’t. And thus began my own folding. The more I desired her, and the more she desired less, the more I folded inward, and sublimated my physical desire for her with mental desires, masterbation, and fantasy.
I learned, I think I learned, I am learning, that it was a fatal flaw of my own, to cloak my own disappointment and unmet desire in a Buddhist repose. Yeah, I was above it all. Above the fray of the mundane arguments, above the loss of all sexual openings from the woman I was still madly and passionately in love with. I learned to go into my head. To believe that this was okay, this situation was temporary, things would eventually get better if I meditated, masterbated, and remained consistant in my love and presence.
I was wrong. I, in some ways, let her off the hook. When she was bored, and she had already had her orgasm, I should’ve asked. I probed a little, but was content to “wait” and “see” and be the master of my own desires. FUCK. What I was doing was removing the PASSION from myself as well.
I’m a bit stuck in that mode at this very moment. I talk about sex not being the goal. And while I believe that’s true, I also believe I deserve a willing and excitable sex partner. I am willing to be honest and open with my feelings, and in order to not lose sight of what those are again, I have to be willing to express my needs and also my disappointments.
So my wife was bored. My drive for my own passion, in that moment, evaporated in a flash. We’d had the “I guess I’m not going to orgasm” moments. And we’d laughed and talked through many awkward requests and challenges.
And she was B O R E D.
What I won’t settle for next is complacence. My hand is a happy host, but my heart has bigger needs. I won’t let those go unspoken ever again.
Honestly, I don’t think that moment, or my confrontation of the situation would’ve changed our trajectory. But the gradual acceptance and detachment from that loss that became more and more pronounced, that is what killed my marriage. She happened to check out a lot earlier than I did. But in some ways, I let her go, thinking that I would pick up the connection when things settled down a bit, when there was a little more money in the bank, when the kids were both in school.
NOW is it. I won’t become the fat buddha again. The belly that I work off is the isolation that I had agreed to. Do I have to be perfectly fit to find another relationship. No. But I do need to love and understand my own body, so that I can tune into the desires I have. And I have to express them so that I can learn and explore the fit with any relationship I attempt in the future.
The bored girl sophomore year in college was no big deal. Neither of us knew what to expect. My bored wife should’ve been real cause for alarm and awakening. Instead I slept and stayed up late cuddling with the internet. Computers and videos make terrible lovers.
Sincerely,
The Off Parent
Resources:
- The Divorce Library (reading list)
- Songs of Divorce (free listening library – youtube sourced songs)
- Laugh It Off (building a resource library of funny videos and other diversions)
- Facebook (follow us on Facebook and keep up with all the conversations)
- The 5 Love Languages (a book on love styles by Gary Chapman)
Thursday Happier Hour and the SPO (Standard Possession Order) Morass
There is a business networking happy hour that happens once a month on a Thursday. And I’ve never made it. I probably should make it.
But when the world shifted on its axis and my kids orbits suddenly had large periods of time on the dark side of the planet, Thursdays became my joint-custody Standard Possession Order day of the week. You’ll get to know and love the language. SPO – standard possession order. And First, Third, and Fifth is another common process. And your attorney will probably want to start with the SPO and make variations from there. It’s all been worked out ahead of time for our benefit.
No sarcasm meant. But there’s no way to be grateful under the circumstances. But the kind counselor we went to for Divorce Counseling was happy to tell me, “It’s a pretty good deal for dads.”
Not being up on the literature or common practices I had my heart set on 50/50 down the middle, rotating the kids out very other weekend. This other 1, 3, 5 seems to be easier for some reason, but it does cause some unexpected problems. The minute you look to enter the kissing pool again, you’ll discover that if every dad has the kids 1-3-5, then the divorced moms have their kids exactly opposite. (grin)
So you want to date someone. Um, every single weekend you have OFF she has kid duty. I think back to that moment when Dr. Knows Better kept saying, it’s easier for everyone. I kept asking “WHY, what makes it easier?” If you have the same feeling, you might keep asking until you get an answer, or you and your soon-to-be ex decide on an alternative. Sure it made it easier on the doc, but now it’s a bit complicated if I want to meet someone after work for drinks.
The corollary to this law is kind of funny and painful at the same time: When your ex starts asking for changes in the schedule, it means they’re fucking somebody. Excuse me, “dating,” somebody. I mean, think about it, are you going to get into it with your ex over switching up the schedule if there isn’t some damn compelling reason?
I’m just pissed it’s happened twice from her side so far and nonce from mine. But I’m over all that jealousy stuff. Really. Over. It. She can DO who ever she pleases at this point, I’d rather DO someone else as well. So best to take my bitterness and get in better shape.
Oh that’s the one great thing Dr. You’re Getting a Divorce did set up. In our plan we cannot introduce a “dating” partner to our kids until the “relationship/dating” has been steady for six months. That’s awesome right. It sure helped my piece of mind when my ex-y started a rebound screwing of a plumber from a few towns over that first month after the divorce was final. At least she waited until it was final. I spewed a few spiteful barbs at that time. And thank goodness I got my ass into a divorce recovery class soon after.
Another funny moment happened about three months ago, my daughter was playing with my iPhone. She loves them and was looking at my pictures and stuff. (No surprises there. Think twice about taking those candid shots on your phone, won’t you?) And she noticed a few TXT messages coming in from a *Debbie.* And at one point she squealed , “SWEETHEART.”
Um, I had some explaining to do.
So I talked it out with them and now it’s sort of a running joke. “If I had a girlfriend, which I don’t, I couldn’t tell you anyway, but this woman, is not my girlfriend.”
At this point they roll their eyes. And one of them will say something like, “Yeah Dad, we don’t believe anything you say about that anyway. Because you can’t tell us.”
It did give me some satisfaction txting the ex-y, “I had the 6 months chat with the kids. It went well.”
Of course the hidden message was, “Cause there’s someone else…” But I left it unspoken.
And that’s the final piece of advice on this subject. NEVER fire the sharp barbs at your ex-y. They never hurt her as much as they hurt you. Being mean or mad at her is only a symptom of your unfinished emotional work. It never helps. Yes, I know, sometimes it feels good.
And that one I sent in regards to the plumber (nothing against The Plumber with the Dragon Tattoo) “WTF? Do you think this is a rebound? He’s not even in our TRIBE.” All I could think of inside was, “Thank god she can burn through this one without having to bring the kids into it.” And sure, it was over in less than a month, but I was hurt and freaking out a bit. And living at my sister’s house, for crissakes. Not a happy situation.
So the email arrived today for the happy hour tomorrow night, and I had a moment where I contemplated getting a sitter… And then I smiled and thought about my HAPPIER HOUR. With my kids.
Sincerely,
The Off Parent
Resources:
- The Divorce Library (reading list)
- Songs of Divorce (free listening library – youtube sourced songs)
- Laugh It Off (building a resource library of funny videos and other diversions)
- Facebook (follow us on Facebook and keep up with all the conversations)
- The 5 Love Languages (a book on love styles by Gary Chapman)
Why Blog About This? What’s The Point?
Two summers ago, my ex-y was hipped to this blog. She called on the phone.
“I saw The Off Parent.”
“Okay.”
“And as a parent, trying to trust you, I want you to take it down.”
“You’re right,” I said. It was a very low point for me. “I’ll take it down right now. I’m sorry.”
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And then something happened a few weeks ago. I was thinking about a post, I was angry with my ex-y (go figure) and I wanted to write about it. I remembered how my depression returned with a vengeance right after the conversation above. “What was the point?” I asked myself.
And as I was walking across the parking lot of the local grocery store, I said, “When my kids are grown up, I want them to know the truth. I want them to understand what I was going through.”
The point being, my kids are on the internet. They are not searching for me or my blogs. And this blog, The Off Parent, would be hard to trace back to me. You can do it. There are some threads. If you really wanted to.
BUT why would my kids be searching for a blog about divorce? Um, unless they are searching for a blog about divorce. (Good point.)
My friend said to me, “Do you think Bob Dylan’s kids have heard Idiot Wind?”
So this is not for them, this is not for you. This is for me. I am attempting to share the truth, and release the bitterness and sadness, so that I can heal and move on.
This is also a document that will be revealed. I’m sure it’s my ex-y’s worst nightmare. Well, sorry, hon, it’s up for keeps this time. Oh, and it’s not for you, either.
Sincerely,
The Off Parent
< back to The Hard Stuff pages
Info Source: Sara Dylan on Wikipedia
Resources:
- The Divorce Library (reading list)
- Songs of Divorce (free listening library – youtube sourced songs)
- Laugh It Off (building a resource library of funny videos and other diversions)
- Facebook (follow us on Facebook and keep up with all the conversations)
- The 5 Love Languages (a book on love styles by Gary Chapman)
Ferris Bueller Gets a Divorce – My Dad’s Divorce Blog – The Movie
My Dad’s Divorce Blog ™, a major motion picture in development. (Today I found a link to the original shooting script from Ferris Bueller’s Day Off.)
I kid. But I imagine it would make quite a screenplay.
The pitch: “Ferris Bueller gets a divorce.”
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Staring as DAD, Matthew Broderick.
see the Ferris Beuller reprise commercial from Honda.
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And his beautiful ex-y, Sarah Jessica Parker (uh, sure, she’s actually married to the guy above – similarities to ex-y acknowledged)
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The ice breaker Felicia Day
wait… maybe Suzanne Vega would be better
click for “If You Were In My Movie”
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The love interest Mary Louise Parker (I’ll admit I have a thing for dark hair.)
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Young Son is, of course, played by Justin Beiber.
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And Young Daughter is played by Zendaya Coleman from Disney’s Shake It Up, cause we’ve gotta have a Disney tie-in.
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The Med’s Doc in Suite 404 is played by Lawrence Fishburn.
“We’re going in without pills this time.”
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The Talky Doc is played by Johnny Depp.
“And how did that make you feel? Do you know what John Lennon said about his divorce/separation from Yoko? (pause) The separation didn’t work out.”
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Liberal, Progressive, Spiritual, mentor, and Methodist Minister is played by Nathan Fillion (the Firefly dude)
“There’s a dark forest, and a lot of sad feelings. Light a fire, or shoot your way out of it.”
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And then again, maybe the Dr. Horrible’s Sing-Along-Blog is the better format.
click to see dr. horrible in action
With this much fun, it’s bound to be a hit. Strippers, Online dating. Random sex. Recovery. Parenting. Ex-wives and ex-husbands. Now we just need someone to option the script. Takers?
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Sincerely,
The Off Parent
@theoffparent
Related Posts:
- I Want To Thank You for the Divorce
- Things Broken and Unsaid
- Evolving Single Dad: Failure to Hopefulness Again
- What I Need To Tell You: Take Heart. It Gets Better.
- Happy Mom Chat About How I Got Here: What I Figured Out
Resources:
- The Divorce Library (reading list)
- Songs of Divorce (free listening library – youtube sourced songs)
- Laugh It Off (building a resource library of funny videos and other diversions)
- Facebook (follow us on Facebook and keep up with all the conversations)
Anger is Energy – If You Don’t Thrash
A fish caught and out of the water on the grass has two options: 1. thrash: jump, struggle, flip, flop; or 2. breathe.
Eventually the fish will die if not returned to the water. But the fish has very little to do with its survival at that point. You might say it’s up to God, or the fisherman, which to the fish is sort of like God.
Anger today is a good thing. It reminds me I have feelings and energy. It reminds me that I still care about finding a better life for myself and my kids. My ex-y can find her own way.
But thrashing against the obstacles is a waste of energy that could be used elsewhere. And one of the greatest drains of that energy is anger at the ex-y. I guess she did the best she could. I mean, that’s how God would see it, right?
I tend to see things a bit differently with a little distance. BUT… anger at the choices and changes that have already happened, do little to inform or direct my efforts at moving forward. What anger can do is motivate my ass into gear. But I have to make sure I make use of that motivation in productive rather than destructive ways.
Even if she has requested changes or been mean and contradictory to me, that’s not my problem. That. Is. Who. She. Is.
And the anger I have around her behavior cannot be fed back into the system to change things. The more I wanted the marriage to work, the more I demanded for changes, the more I thrashed in some ways. I was not aware that she had already left the marriage. I was not clear that the death of her sexual drive was more about her than me. And while I did thrash against both the sexless marriage and the end of marriage, I was ultimately powerless to get myself back into the warm water of our early relationship.
So today, I am angry. A friend sent a picture of my daughter that he found on a random simcard. My beautiful life is there in hi-definition as I am lifting my smiling daughter into the air and kissing her belly. And there is a sliver of my ex-y’s face in the photo too. You could almost miss it.
And I was immediately sad, not mad. The imagined life, the dreams at that moment, frozen and captured in a moment of family joy. And the anger is about the betrayal of both my daughter and myself by that remote face with the beautiful smile and eyes closed.
She made the decision. She gave up. She walked into a lawyer’s office to get her “options.” And all of our lives are altered because of that decision. And the wonderful little girl in the picture now has a distant father. A father who is there as often and openly as possible. But I can feel the tug on her as she reaches for my hand in the car, walking to the grocery store, when she claims to have a stomach ache every Friday morning so maybe she won’t have to go to school and she can stay at my house.
But I could not change the trajectory once the new departure point was set in motion. I can, however, understand that I was not ever going to be able to change my ex-y into being the touchy-feely person I wanted her to be. She’s much more comfortable in the confines of an excel spreadsheet.
So when the warmth was sucked out of the marriage, there was very little left if I was not generating it. But for my little girl and my son, I can generate twice as much love and holding as before. I can show my daughter what a Dad is like that shows up and says, “I love you,” all the time. I can provide the reflection to my kids that they are loved. I can make them feel loved. I can still hold them in the air, metaphorically, and kiss their childish bellies.
I will not change. I will not let the bitterness or anger get in the way of me loving my kids with everything I’ve got.
AND… I will have an opportunity to share that with another woman at some point. I know it.
If I can just breathe and not thrash.
Sincerely,
The Off Parent
Resources:
- The Divorce Library (reading list)
- Songs of Divorce (free listening library – youtube sourced songs)
- Laugh It Off (building a resource library of funny videos and other diversions)
- Facebook (follow us on Facebook and keep up with all the conversations)
- The 5 Love Languages (a book on love styles by Gary Chapman)
Iron Man 2: Divorced Dad’s Review – Hidden Messages At My Ex – I’m No Tony Stark
I write a tech blog during the day. And occasionally I do a movie review. Just for fun, I call it. And I did one a while back on the release of Iron Man. But it was a thinly veiled slam on my ex-y. How could she walk out? There is NO GIVE UP. I was mad, I was confused… Here’s the review.
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There’s a critical juncture at the end of Iron Man 2, where Pepper Potts throws in the towel. In the romantic version she is doing it because she loves the real Iron Man too much to keep going through saving the world over and over again. She’s had enough.
From the Wikipedia entry on Pepper:
Paltrow reprises the role in Iron Man 2. In the film, Potts is promoted to Stark Industries’ CEOwhile Tony is attempting to set his affairs in order due to his impending death due to the poisonous side-effects of the arc reactor’s power source. When talking to Nick Fury at the end of Iron Man 2, Tony also hinted that he and Pepper were in a relationship and his life was back on track.
So in the movie version of reality, I guess we don’t really know if they are going to hookup. It’s not like there hasn’t been some tension in Pepper’s “caretaker” role. Sure she’s holding his life together. And sure she’s an amazing organizer and champion for all things Tony Stark. And being promoted to CEO and essentially bazillionaire of Stark Industries might be nice. But, she is DONE.
So in the non-movie version, in real life, for example, when the CEO says, “I quit.” Are there any further options? Is there a way to “talk” the leader back into the leadership role? Back to the movie, do we even care about the CEO role at this point? (I imagine the sap inside all of us was yelling, “Kiss her, you fool.”)
So my personal reaction was something along the lines of “What? She’s done?” Again, I’m sure I’m projecting here, but… “After all that? Sure it was HARD, and sure you’re TIRED, but you’re QUITTING?”
In my mind we’re talking about something bigger than HARD and TIRED.
On the flipside, the new agent is also a winner. And quite a feisty contender, that Natasha Romanoff.
And what CAN you do when the leader, or the other person, says, “I’m done.”
What I think Tony Stark has to do is let her go. At what juncture in the future might the stress be too much for Pepper yet again? How can you count on that prior bond/faith/strength, after the other person has opted-out? Won’t they be likely to opt-out again?
I don’t remember the final scene in the movie. Did they kiss? Did they talk about a vacation in paradise somewhere? But I do remember being stunned and a bit frustrated that she’d quit. Perhaps a little bit mad at the sugar-coated ending. Because the failure was devastating. Or is it a new beginning?
Sincerely,
The Off Parent
Note: Learning not to send sizzling zingers at my ex-y has been one of my most valuable growth steps. It does no good. I remember writing this and hitting the publish button… “Heh heh heh.” She’ll get the message. It will be humiliating. (Self-reveal.) Oops. That’s not a good thing. She’s the mother of my kids. She’s a person I loved. She’s still the woman I married. So even putting together pointed txts and emails together was fun, but was also destructive, and in many ways, still holding me to the woman I so desperately wanted to leave behind at this point. No thrashing. Barbed emails and messages are just thrash.
Just Being Dad Is Enough: A Hot Summer and a Ghost Horse
Living at the crossroads of sainthood and bullshit
Since my divorce, in August of last year, I have been rebuilding my life and my relationship with my kids. Too much time at work, too many economic ups and downs, too much stress, have all brought me to this point on the journey. Today.
As I was walking alone in my new neighborhood this morning the slowness of the activity and the drowsiness of the heat had me recounting summertime with my Dad. And the contrast between those very sparse memories and the more generous memories I am working to create with my kids on Fridays and alternating weekends this hot hot summer.
My new neighborhood is very conducive to bikes, so when she is here, my daughter and I ride every morning, “before it gets too hot.” And I have seen streets and areas we might never reach on foot. And we zoom together around the quiet streets. Fearless. Explorative. Together.
And my son and I often go for walks, since he does not like bike riding at this point. We mostly walk to the lake/pool neighborhood complex, and occasionally to the convenience store where he partakes of his favorite summer drink, the mango slushie. The last time it was just my son and me, and we were walking along up the hill in the picture above when he noticed a horse.
“Dad, that’s a horse in that yard over there.”
Sure enough, there was a large brown horse staring at us as we puffed up the hill in the heat towards the mecca of slurpiedom. We stopped and said a few words to the horse. He said nothing. And we walked on.
On our return, the horse had moved out of sight and we talked about how wild it was that a horse was “just standing there.”
Now every time we pass this place on the road we look for the horse. My daughter and I ride by the field looking for him every day she is with me. She was disappointed not to have seen him. We are both hopeful, but so far the horse has not reappeared.
So this magical moment reminds me of the optimist’s Christmas joke when the child is given a bucket of horse poop as a Christmas gift. He opens the present and laughs, “I knew there was a horse in here somewhere.” A nice summary of making the best out of a bad situation by keeping our perspectives on the positive side.
And here’s one other thing that I find entertaining. The name of the street to my house is San Juan, or Saint Juan. (As if…) And even better is the cross street that accurately marks this crossroads in my life, is de vaca, or “of cow.” Or as I refer to it, at the crossroads of sainthood and bullshit.
UPDATE 7-29-11: This morning, Friday, the three (plus dog makes 4) of us trekked to the local taco trailer for breakfast. And along the way we saw:
Again, the horse said nothing, but we are almost certain that we saw an actual horse and not some mirage from the heat. My son said he saw the horse breathing.
We were blessed with one other creature (our dog Scrambles, pictured below on his favorite chair) who enjoyed the walk as much as his ride back on my daughter’s shoulders.
We’re pretty sure the dog didn’t see the horse. There was no acknowledgment of either one by the other.
Sincerely,
The Off Parent
Resources:
- The Divorce Library (reading list)
- Songs of Divorce (free listening library – youtube sourced songs)
- Laugh It Off (building a resource library of funny videos and other diversions)
- Facebook (follow us on Facebook and keep up with all the conversations)
- The 5 Love Languages (a book on love styles by Gary Chapman)
I’m Getting a Divorce: Changing My Facebook Status
The Facebook relationship status change today says it all. MY-NAME-HERE’s relationship status has changed from “married” to “it’s complicated.” How’s that for subtle? It’s actually less complicated for the change. We are merely transitioning. It’s not like I’m in another relationship or anything, but “single” really felt odd. So… Complicated, yes, that sounds about right.
And with those words, the world of my little family changes forever. With the parting of the rings (the opposite of joining by rings) a wonderful mad rush of parenting and loving comes to a transforming moment. We now are joined in co-parenting, to support and uphold the other’s integrity for the sake of our two children.
This is all I have to say of the matter. We are no longer sad or bitter. We never really argued about much. And in this transformation, we are doing it very cooperatively.
So I wish my co-parent well and look forward to still being there as DAD forever.
Friends, don’t fret this change, things are always changing, and we will continue to be the cool people we were before we married, and still so much richer for the journey.
Sincerely,
The Off Parent
“Watch your fingers!”
Resources:
- The Divorce Library (reading list)
- Songs of Divorce (free listening library – youtube sourced songs)
- Laugh It Off (building a resource library of funny videos and other diversions)
Valentine’s Day Tweets
You might should follow me on Twitter @theoffparent so you don’t miss my 140 character stuff. Here are three love/hate tweets in a row on Valentine’s day.
If there’s a heart in there somewhere, I have not been able to find it. #thatswhyyourmyex #valentines
Roses are red, blood is red, the roses are dead, so fk you.
I have no idea how that came out. Roses are red, roses are red, roses are read, roses don’t really interest me at all. Diamonds either.
Sincerely,
The Off Parent
Tale of Two Ladies; The Dichotomy of Priorities (beauty vs brains)
Sitting at Whole Foods in Austin, Texas I am watching a very attractive, very slim, tan, fit, in black running shorts and a black running bra-thing, checking out at the register across from my table. I cannot help but look at her. She is pretty. She exudes confidence. She is playful with the cashier.
She buys bubbly water (a fetish of mine), and Dos Equis Amber (my favorite), and flowers (of course she’s into zen). And flashing a very well-crafted smile, she and her running shoes and long brown legs are gone. A vision.
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Next girl sits down at a table across from me. She’s in some kind of organic skirt, earthtones and softness, she has un-kept hair pulled up in a bun, she’s wearing a wrinkled t-shirt, she pulls out Octavio Paz (my favorite Spanish poet).
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I have learned that I can fall in love with bodies quite easily. My ache for affectionate touch is palpable. And there are an infinite variety of bodies that I can fall in love with. I am not stuck on a type or a style. And, as these chemistry things go, I will know it when I see it.
I was not in love with either women. But I am pretty sure that the runner was a bit too aware of how much hotness she was projecting. Those kind of beauties have always been a problem in my experience. I’m going to go with Paz.
Brains trump beauty every time in the movie of my next relationship.
Sincerely,
The Off Parent
< back to On Dating Again index
Resources:
- The Divorce Library (reading list)
- Songs of Divorce (free listening library – youtube sourced songs)
- Laugh It Off (building a resource library of funny videos and other diversions)
- Facebook (follow us on Facebook and keep up with all the conversations)
- The 5 Love Languages (a book on love styles by Gary Chapman)
Your New Matches: Online Dating and the Big Miss
How can you just tell by the name or the age of the person what your eHarmony “matches” are going to be like?
The under 37s are almost all going to seem too young. Or so hot that I’m going to be too old. And the odd names usually mean ethnic (not necessarily a bad thing).
And then the spammy craigslist stuff just gets to the details, blonde, great tits, petite. WHATEVER!
I am learning more and more, as I merely look around, that I am an everything man. I’m not looking for a type. I’m looking for a spark. And that spark can come from any hair color, any body type, and any name. But where it doesn’t come from, for the most part is ONLINE>>>.
Sincerely,
The Off Parent
< back to On Dating Again index
Resources:
- The Divorce Library (reading list)
- Songs of Divorce (free listening library – youtube sourced songs)
- Laugh It Off (building a resource library of funny videos and other diversions)
- Facebook (follow us on Facebook and keep up with all the conversations)
- The 5 Love Languages (a book on love styles by Gary Chapman)
Depression is No Joke: Suicide is Not the Answer to Any Question or Problem
As I’m thinking about some of the darkest times in my life, the fall from having it all to having nothing was the harshest thing I could imagine. There were moments…
(Disclaimer: I am not a counselor or mental health professional. I am not offering advice on how to treat your depression or suicidal thoughts. I am saying GET HELP and GET IT NOW. See also the Divorce Reference Library page)
For now, here are a few things I learned about depression.
Your brain is fooling you. You can no longer trust your own thoughts. Even the negative thoughts are not accurate. What was critically important for me was to realize when I was getting depressed and go into humorous observation mode. “Wow, my thinking is really fucked up.” There’s nothing funny about depression, but sometimes if I could amplify my dark clouds to the ultimate extreme I could remind myself how silly my thinking could get. I mean, I was probably not responsible for nuclear war. But that’s how it felt sometimes.
Soft thoughts about suicide are actually suicidal thoughts. Harder to admit the word “suicide” into my vocabulary. But I had vague ideas about jumping from a bridge or crashing my car at high-speed. And while those are called “ideation” they ARE actually suicidal thoughts. Take them seriously. Again, remember, your brain is crazy at this point. Even odd thoughts about how you “might” kill yourself are actually thoughts about killing yourself. I know that sounds kind of circular, but it’s easy to discount the “concept” rather than the “plan” of killing yourself.
Tell your care team about your “ideation.” Even the littlest thing can be a clue into what’s going on in your brain. And once you get over the hurdle of talking about it, you can begin to disassemble the issues and problems that are making you consider that ending your life might be a solution to ANYTHING. It’s not a solution!
If you ever find yourself with a plan, call 911. Do whatever it takes to get yourself to share your planning with someone else. This is serious. If you have a plan, call your healthcare provider now. If you’re plan is in motion, call 911. Only you can take the action to prevent this.
Everything else can wait. Everything else, every problem, every situation, can wait for you to clear your depressive thoughts. There are a lot of helpful things you can do to move forward and out of depression. I have some powerful references in the Library. But for now, just know, that ANYTHING you do to stop your depressive acting out is worth it. Ice cream, funny movies, computer games, whatever it takes to break the spiral of dark thoughts.
Isolation is your enemy. Those dark thoughts can seethe and spin unchecked when you are staying in bed or blocking and not returning phone calls. What you need but can’t seem to ask for, is companionship. Just another soul to be with, to check in, to ask, “What are you doing tomorrow.” Do what you can to find that one person who understands. And then thank them for providing you with a check-in. That’s all you need at first. A “check-in.” Someone who is going to call and who you cannot block. It sucks, but the longer you dig in to the darkness the harder it is to pull out.
In my case I used some of the 12-step literature to help bootstrap myself back out of my dark cave and into recovery. The concept of MASSIVE ACTION really spoke to me. The idea being, that little incremental steps were not going to be enough to pull me up out of depression. So I signed up for a divorce recovery class (10-week counselor-led group) and joined an Aikido class. And every day, I made a plan to get out of bed and out in the world for a healthy lunch.
Just beginning these commitments toward health signaled to my depression that I was not going to take it lying down any more.
Some people have the idea that depression is a weakness. That everybody should be able to pull themselves up if they wanted to. Fuck that. Depression is a real beast. If you’ve never felt the weight of the black beast on you, you are lucky. But if you have dealt with, or think you may be dealing with depression, GET HELP.
You don’t have to do it alone. And trying to do it ALONE might even make things worse. The shame of depression is still real. But you cannot let it prevent you from getting the help you need.
Sincerely,
The Off Parent
< back to The Hard Stuff pages
See also: Followed By the Black Dog of Depression
Resources:
- The Divorce Library (reading list)
- Songs of Divorce (free listening library – youtube sourced songs)
- Laugh It Off (building a resource library of funny videos and other diversions)
- Facebook (follow us on Facebook and keep up with all the conversations)
- The 5 Love Languages (a book on love styles by Gary Chapman)
We Ran Into Her First Ex-Husband At a Titty Bar
[Note: I’m her second ex-husband.]
There’s that fantasy that has something about two girls and a guy. I think it’s a universal male erotic obsession. I know I HAD it for a while. Not to say I don’t enjoy a bit of voyeuristic girl-on-girl pic or vid from time to time.
But the time my ex and I went to a titty bar together and ran into her FIRST ex-husband, it was a bit too much. I mean, seeing the ex-husband there was kinda funny, and my ex was fun about it. We sent him a lap dance.
And then we got my ex a couple lap dances herself. A hot, very pierced and very young working girl who clearly enjoyed making my ex-y’s muff moist, was all overplaying the role for us.
But the scene was uncomfortable for several reasons. My ex sort of “got into it” a bit much. I could see her flushed cheeks. I could imagine… Wait, I didn’t want to imagine it. And here’s why: something at that time told me that the switch would be fairly easy for my ex. The fantasy is fine until the dude is left cold. I mean, what more do I have to offer, once they are hooked up, so to speak?
So we paid her a couple of times, back and forth, in a ménage à trois ala stripper club. And the girl’s perfume was heavy with her scent. She was “working” pretty hard. And not just at our table.
We never went back. And I’m pretty sure, the idea, while somewhat interesting on paper, became more of a “not really” for me. The fragility of our intimacy was close enough that any, [any] alternative sexual energy was a threat rather than a turn-on.
It’s a shame. Or maybe not.
Hey, it looks like that stripper club is having a special tonight. Steak and lobster for $15.95. A pocket full of ones a few twenties, and… Nah, not tonight.
Sincerely,
The Off Parent
Resources:
- The Divorce Library (reading list)
- Songs of Divorce (free listening library – youtube sourced songs)
- Laugh It Off (building a resource library of funny videos and other diversions)
- Facebook (follow us on Facebook and keep up with all the conversations)
- The 5 Love Languages (a book on love styles by Gary Chapman)
Strike Two! The Could’a Should’a Would’a Online Date Clips My Wings
(This post continues the story started here: Stepping Back Into the Breach; Dating Again After Divorce)
Well, my online dating experience is getting longer… and I’ve had another near miss.
I can tell you exactly what happened. Same thing that happened with hottie number one. I came on too strong. My heart on my sleeve, my CD-R of my break-up CD, my quick note of excitement. “You need to slow your roll,” she said in her next email. I hadn’t heard the expression, but I knew what she meant.
She said, “We’ve been out on one date.”
I agreed. I recanted my note. I explained my inner dialogue away. But she didn’t buy it. “I’m sorry, I’m just a bit creeped out by it. Good luck in finding what you are looking for.” And like that I was jettisoned out with the last batch of near-miss online dates, I guess. It was new for me.
It’s complicated, this dating with kids thing. I was so sure this woman was a fit of some kind, but I moved in and set up camp without a permit. And probably I should not have shared it with her. Probably she googled it and found this site. Damn. But of course it’s my own fault. And perhaps I’m the dumb ass. Thinking this is okay.
Next time, no love letters, just a date. No facebook connection. No *smile* TXTs. Just a date. Thanks. Wanna do it again?
So, near miss, I’m sorry. You gave me what I needed. A serious case of the hopefulness. And what I gave you was some overbearing crap. Again, my loss. I was watching that cute video of you and reading over your email dismissal. I wanted to remember your smile. And as the impressions wore off, I reached again for something that was too raw, too fresh, too fragile, and mostly too presumptuous. And I can see how that paints me as too needy. Yep. Guilty. Back to the dating pool.
Sincerely,
The Off Parent
< back to On Dating Again index
Resources:
- The Divorce Library (reading list)
- Songs of Divorce (free listening library – youtube sourced songs)
- Laugh It Off (building a resource library of funny videos and other diversions)
- Facebook (follow us on Facebook and keep up with all the conversations)
- The 5 Love Languages (a book on love styles by Gary Chapman)
Stepping Back Into the Breach; Dating Again After Divorce
It’s not that I don’t like online dating, it’s actually that I don’t like dating. What with it’s unanswered questions about what’s next, where are we going, how long can I say here. I want to be past the dating thing, and back into the relating. And it’s not sex that I’m talking about specifically. It’s more the feeling you get when you are SEEN by someone. And then deemed as worthy and worthwhile of attention.
So the “date” last night started well and ended well. It was the first date in all six of mine, that I immediately felt at ease. I wasn’t trying to prove anything to her. I was trying to express myself and my pursuits, but she was way too familiar, in a good way. It was as if we had been friends in high school or something. An easy way the conversation flowed between us. All so heavy with promise.
And over three hours later she asked, “Well, are you ready to go home?”
“No,” I said.
She smiled.
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We were balancing the fact that she’s been divorced for 10 years and me not even 10 minutes, yet.
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We chatted for another 15 minutes or so and she said she actually did have to go home. Her kids would be waiting up for her. (Now that’s a new and funny concept.) And we walked easily across the parking lot as I grabbed a CD out of my car to share with her. And then she was gone. But not after both of us admitted out loud that we had a good time and looked forward to the next time. And she did something very cool.
“Did I give you my phone number?”
Not dating, but being friends, we plugged her number into my phone and I called her and learned her last name. And I was thrilled. I TXT’d her with a tease after I got home. I believe we were both smiling most of the night.
And that’s the point. We were both smiling. Sure things can get hard in a relationship, but when the spontaneous smiling ends the tenor of the situation changes. Okay, so we’re in the opening minutes of our relationship, whatever that will be, but I have to say, I am not afraid.
My divorce is supposed to be over in three weeks. But, “The relationship had been in trouble for a while.”
“Yes,” she agreed. “It’s never just over. I mean, I guess the person CAN just walk out, but something had to be going wrong for that to happen.”
We were balancing the fact that she’s been divorced for 10 years and me not even 10 minutes, yet. Sure, I know there will still be bumps on the roller coaster of being divorced and being a single parent. But somehow with her I was ready to be to the next stage, just hanging. I was sad to leave, but exhilarated to think about the next time. “Call me anytime, even if you just want to hang out,” she said.
The trajectory with kids is so much longer than we might have experienced without them. I mean, I don’t even have a place at the moment. So there’s really no where to go, to hang out. And next weekend I have MY kids. (Blessings!) And so the 15 miles between us might as well be light years. But it doesn’t feel that way.
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Not moving things forward in a hurry or anything, but I wanted her to know that the chemistry was very cool for me, at that very moment.
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What it feels like, is I’m not afraid to imagine what the WE might be. Even if it just means putting us on a couch watching a movie together. With her, I imagined this might happen. Whereas, when thinking about any of my other 5 dates, I don’t even really want to have coffee again.
“I think chemistry is very important,” I said. We were midway through our meal and I was beginning to explore into the “relationship” idea. Not moving things forward in a hurry or anything, but I wanted her to know that the chemistry was very cool for me, at that very moment. We both laughed and chatted about that for a minute. And about the oddness of online dating and why people our age sometimes seem like old people.
She was not an old person. And she was radiating in my attention. As she should be.
So with that, even for a week, I am — in theory — off the market, off eHarmony, off the matching of match.com. Because all that “dating” crap is really distracting when what you really want is a friend, not a date.
… story continues with Strike Two! The Could’a Should’a Would’a Online Date Clips My Wings
Sincerely,
The Off Parent
< back to On Dating Again index
related posts:
- Top 5 First Date Tips for Women
- Beyond the Rush of Love
- Our Sexual Brain and the Lies it Tells Us
- Sex Rules: The Frequency, the Fun, and the Fantasy
resources:
- The Divorce Library (reading list)
- Songs of Divorce (free listening library – youtube sourced songs)
- Laugh It Off (building a resource library of funny videos and other diversions)
- Facebook (follow us on Facebook and keep up with all the conversations)
- The 5 Love Languages (a book on love styles by Gary Chapman)
Songs For Divorce – the redirect
Music is the fuel that gets me up, consoles me when I’m down. So why not collect the divorce recovery songs in one place. Sure thing. I have included the YouTube link if available so you have free access to the music, my friend. Most of these songs are available on the YouTube playlist: Divorce Classics – you can stream them back to back.
The real page is here: Songs of Divorce
Feeling Again or NOT Feeling Again
See if you can feel the irony of this. I am picking up my kids after school at my former house. And the dogs have gotten into the trash in the kitchen. So what do I do, clean it up? Make it a little more messy? Ignore it, not my problem.
Well, she is nice enough to let me use the house as a pick-up zone. It’s good for the kids. So I do a partial pickup. Coffee grounds and trash off the kitchen floor. Sweep, but not mop.
So we’re waiting 20 minutes for me to take my daughter to Brownies. Cause my ex had a business trip and it IS my day. We hustle up to the playground and there is no one in sight. We drive over to the park and it is completely empty. Turns out they are inside at the playground in the MUD office. We figure this out about 20 minutes into the meeting.
The plan was for my son and I do to a quick grocery run while they were doing girl scouts. Problem was, by the time we got her to the right room, there were only 30 minutes before the meeting would be out. So we couldn’t even get there and back in 30 minutes. So my son and I were left to our own devices. He drew and I fuddled with my Blackberry and wished it had a real browser. And tuned in to all the beautiful women coming to the playground with new offspring. Oh yeah.
So at the same park where I was a Den Leader with my son in Cub Scouts, I was now simply waiting in the park on a beautiful day, looking at beautiful women, and grooving on the pictures my son was drawing.
I guess we could have gone back to the house. It’s HER house now, but it will always be the house. Much of me is still inside.
And I give thanks that my ex is not bitter and angry or she’d have my shit in a storage unit. As it is, I am still looking for a place to live and all of my furniture and most of my clothes still in her house. She’s been boxing and moving some stuff. But lot’s of me still remains. Almost trapped, in her house, until I can find my house.
Sincerely,
The Off Parent
< back to The Hard Stuff pages
Resources:
- The Divorce Library (reading list)
- Songs of Divorce (free listening library – youtube sourced songs)
- Laugh It Off (building a resource library of funny videos and other diversions)
- Facebook (follow us on Facebook and keep up with all the conversations)
- The 5 Love Languages (a book on love styles by Gary Chapman)
“If You Leave Me I’ll Have Nothing,” she said.
Before the divorce was even in the picture, my still-wife was crying. I asked her what she was tripping about.
She proceeded to tell me that she would have nothing if I left her. That there wasn’t enough retirement money put away, she didn’t make enough money, my family wouldn’t help her… And if anything happened to me, she would be destitute.
In the moment I did not understand her concern. My absence was not on my radar. So what exactly was she talking about. Of course she would be taken care of. My mom would help provide for the kids. There would be life insurance. She would be fine.
NOW… Of course, perhaps she was saying something else all together. It wasn’t about my demise, it was about my departure. My departure from the family life we had been building for over 10 years. It seriously didn’t compute for me.
Was that blind love, dumb love, or blind faith? What ever it was it was dead wrong.
Sincerely,
The Off Parent
@theoffparent
< back to The Hard Stuff pages
related posts:
- I Was a Happily Married Man, and Now I’m Not: Tiny Hints of Doom
- My Divorce: A Searching and Fearless Moral Inventory
- Waiting for the Other Person to Change
- Love, War, Divorce: Why I’m Not Fighting My Ex-Wife About Custody
- Divorce is Not About What’s Fair, Let’s Get That Straight
resources:
- The Divorce Library (reading list)
- Songs of Divorce (free listening library – youtube sourced songs)
- Laugh It Off (building a resource library of funny videos and other diversions)
- Facebook (follow us on Facebook and keep up with all the conversations)
- The 5 Love Languages (a book on love styles by Gary Chapman)
It Never Fails and Then Fails Completely: The Promise of the “Match”
So online dating is the way these days. That’s what I hear. It’s a pretty mixed bag in my experience. Here’s something that never fails to get a rise out of me.
“You have 3 new matches today. This could be the day!”
It’s like a pavlovian response… “What if…”
And like many fantasies, my hopes are dashed in the first few seconds after clicking on the link.
It’s not that she’s always unattractive. It’s not that she’s usually on the older side of my range. It’s not that I’m all that set in my definition of what I want. (I think I am appreciative of most types of women.) But it is usually something in the overall package that is an OFF and not an ON.
For some reason, that’s the only type of woman who initiates a match with me, before I make the first move. So that’s the way it is eh? Just like traditional old dating, the guy has to put it out there and the women get to respond with a thumbs up or thumbs down.
Okay, I really am fine with that. I have registered 33 winks TO WOMEN, and received 8 winks FROM WOMEN. And only one resulted in a date, which I then jumped the gun on. Oh well, off to wink and flirt in the online fishing pond. Not holding my breath.
Sincerely,
The Off Parent
< back to On Dating Again index
Resources:
- The Divorce Library (reading list)
- Songs of Divorce (free listening library – youtube sourced songs)
- Laugh It Off (building a resource library of funny videos and other diversions)
- Facebook (follow us on Facebook and keep up with all the conversations)
- The 5 Love Languages (a book on love styles by Gary Chapman)
My Online Dating Records
Even Match.com is having a hard time delivering my “daily 5.
I don’t know that it’s because I’m so difficult. Or that my geographic area is so small. (Perhaps I should open up my range to 30 or 50 miles.)
But eHarmony delivered exactly ONE match today. And she was so far off, that I’m not sure what’s wrong with my algorithm.
Here’s the bottom line:
I am not asking for much of a commitment inorder to meet. I’d like her to be uniquely attractive (as opposed to gorgeous). Sort of height-weight proportional. And around my age.
What I’m noticing is women my age (47) tend to look and sound A LOT OLDER. And women within 10 years younger tend to look and sound A LOT YOUNGER. So perhaps I’m not sure what I want. Somewhere in between. I’m okay if she’s younger as long as she has a good bit of her issues worked out and dealt with. And I’m okay if she’s older as long as she doesn’t fall into the “looks like my mom” category.
And then you have to consider the kids.
Of course dating a woman with kids is going to be a long ramp-up relationship. I mean I think mother’s have to protect their families in a more agressive way then men. Cause, frankly, men can be freaks and assholes. And I can see how my strong emotional outpouring freaked both of my two close matches off. I’m learning. And actually, my own reaction and excitements were self-revealing about my own current state of mind. I wasn’t am not ready for a LTR. (long-term relationship) But I am ready for STF. (short-term friends)
I guess re-upping my eHarmony account was a good idea. Cause if I can’t find her, she probably can’t find me either.
Sincerely,
The Off Parent
< back to On Dating Again index
Resources:
- The Divorce Library (reading list)
- Songs of Divorce (free listening library – youtube sourced songs)
- Laugh It Off (building a resource library of funny videos and other diversions)
- Facebook (follow us on Facebook and keep up with all the conversations)
- The 5 Love Languages (a book on love styles by Gary Chapman)
Gratitude and Platitudes After Divorce
Because we are doing “what’s best for the kids” in all circumstances I can’t simply email my ex-y a Fk You message. We’re keeping everything civil. And come Tuesday I will be released. And I’m kinda happy about it.
I mean aside from losing a best friend. Losing my house of 11 years. Losing my 24/7 connection with my kids. Losing a sexual partner (but of course that happened over a year ago, more or less).
So will I blast her? Nope. Maybe if she ever sees this blog, or I publish it like a book. Perhaps then she’ll get the full message. As it is, I’m kissing her ass all the way to the notarized divorce settlement because I want to be done with it. I want to tell my next date, “Yes, we’re divorced.” And then I want to jump into bed with her.
And I’m not expecting a lot of gratitude from my ex-y either. Seems like she’s feeling put upon by my rush to get divorced. (Uh, hello… 60 days is the law, I’m just asking to get it done with.) But I think her lawyer is settling her down a bit. Giving her an idea of what a good deal she is getting.
I’m not fighting about the value of the house. I’m not asking her to pay me all the cash that she owes me, though my lawyer said this would be a better option. I’m not asking for any considerations. I’m just trying to make it easy. Easy on all of us, really.
So as I walk away next week I’m grateful that we were able to do this without a drawn out battle. And someday, I think, she’ll realize how loved she was and regret the selfish and self-centered boot she gave me. For me, and just for today, I am grateful that we are nearly done.
I also don’t get to tell her that my lawyer charged me a total of $500 for the entire thing. I’m pretty sure she’s paid several thousand in her need to have her lawyer CCd on every email I sent. That’s her deal. But it does give me a grin.
Sincerely,
The Off Parent
Resources:
- The Divorce Library (reading list)
- Songs of Divorce (free listening library – youtube sourced songs)
- Laugh It Off (building a resource library of funny videos and other diversions)
- Facebook (follow us on Facebook and keep up with all the conversations)
- The 5 Love Languages (a book on love styles by Gary Chapman)
A Once and Future King
The loss of my kingdom. I don’t think it’s a particularly man thing, imagining your house and neighborhood as a kingdom. I think we all feel a sense of protection and pride around our homesteads. We invest a lot of time and energy in providing a comfortable existence for ourselves and our families.
It is not a happy thing to be exiled from your kingdom. Everything that goes with it. Kids, pets, comfortable bed, study areas, entertainment, warmth, yards, play. Everything comes to an end.
What once was a WE provide is now a ME provide. And I have not been so lucky in terms of the next chapter in my working life. I’ve made money. I’ve worked. But I am essentially homeless at the moment. Being shut out of my house meant that I could either afford a completely new residence in our neighborhood, OR… leave.
The blessing is that I have a sister in the city who has a mother-in-law plan that was available. And I even had built in kids, with her twin boy and girl who are 12 years old. And for that I am glad.
But I have no privacy. The TV is a constant irritation, as the largest one sits directly on the other side of my bedroom door. And of course, 90% of my stuff is still in my ex-wife’s house. I don’t have a place to put it. And I get to be thankful that she’s not insisting that I get a storage unit.
I know that I will return to a kingdom of my own. And I will make a way again in the world of empowered work, but for now it is difficult. As the Fall is now moving in and the weather is changing I long for a place to relax and be alone. And an opportunity to begin the rebuilding process.
Sincerely,
The Off Parent
Resources:
- The Divorce Library (reading list)
- Songs of Divorce (free listening library – youtube sourced songs)
- Laugh It Off (building a resource library of funny videos and other diversions)
- Facebook (follow us on Facebook and keep up with all the conversations)
Dialing In My Ideals In a Woman: From Hippie to High Class
I was having coffee with a friend of mine at an upscale place last week and we both acknowledged several of the beautiful women who passed through while we were meeting.
“I really like Whole Foods Market for people watching,” I said.
“They’re too hippie for me,” he said.
Wow, it was a major difference that got me thinking. What was the criteria I was hoping for when hoping for my next female companion?
She probably shops at Whole Foods more than Costco.
She’s comfortable in flipflops and high heels and appreciates the difference.
She drives a foreign car built within the last 6 years.
She has kids.
She’s divorced.
She is naturally attractive, with or without makeup. Conscious of the aging process and happy to acknowledge the changes, not afraid of them.
And so today, as I was walking around Whole Foods I noticed a lot of women that caught my eye. (My sister was very much a hippie.) Much more so than the women moving through the fancy coffee bar. But one other recent statistic I heard about came to mind about income level. The gist was something about your income level is directly related to the closest 5 people around you. Meaning, you hang with people that make about the same amount of money.
With that, there is no telling what these whimsical organically-minded women are making, or the model of car they are driving. But, for me, they are starting with a core concept for me. They are more concerned with fair trade than the lowest possible price. They have some intentions around eating healthy and go to the trouble to make that happen. They tend towards essential oil fragrances over new scent from the latest designer at Nordstroms.
Sincerely,
The Off Parent
< back to On Dating Again index
Resources:
- The Divorce Library (reading list)
- Songs of Divorce (free listening library – youtube sourced songs)
- Laugh It Off (building a resource library of funny videos and other diversions)
- Facebook (follow us on Facebook and keep up with all the conversations)
- The 5 Love Languages (a book on love styles by Gary Chapman)
The End of a Relationship Is Like A Rubberband Breaking
I was having breakfast with a friend and we were talking about how men are often the ones left in the dark about their wive’s plans for divorce.
“It’s not like we weren’t having problems,” I said. “We were. And I was very unhappy… But, I was also big enough to contain the problems AND the love.”
“Yeah,” he said. “I’ve seen it a lot. It’s like the rubberband is stretching as things get harder. And then one person lets go and it snaps, it breaks. And there is no fixing it.”
The phrase “stretching” came to mind. Like a stretch goal. Or stretching to find new connections. When the band is broken, even if one of the partners wants to keep it together, there is no repair possible.
Sincerely,
The Off Parent
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