Divorce, Single Parenting, Dating, Sex, & Self-Recovery

The Relationship Strategy: Moving Beyond Divorce

I’m kinda tired of writing about the ex-y. I’d like to walk away from this blog tomorrow and start the new chapter, the new symphony.

The other day, as I was waiting for one of the “women with potential” to show up, I wrote this Relationship Strategy list. Just like I would for an online marketing project I was taking on. Here I was, getting ready to hang out with this woman, and I’m designing the strategy for getting beyond dating and into relationship. I knew this wasn’t really just about her, it was a framework, that I was hoping would be trashed by passionate overtures. Um, I’m still waiting.

my relationship strategy outline


Let’s put these in text where you can read them.

1. Establish mutual connection
2. Spend time together
 - learn + listen
 - experience life
 - be yourselves
 - how does it feel?
3. Learn each other's relating style
4. Define love language
5. All good? Add kissing if you want to
6. Kissing may lead to lovemaking

That’s it. Pretty simple. The part that’s not simple is negotiating and navigating the process with someone who is terrified of moving down the list. Or maybe inexperienced at deep relating.

And a question I am asking myself in regards to the woman who is at least present is, “Can the crazy unbridled passion still be unlocked when kissing, etc. comes into play?” Because if it’s all cerebral and calm and calculated, I’m concerned she might not ever light up.

But I am committed to seeing this woman off the planet of over thinking and into something. I’m not sure it will be kissing me, but hey… I’m still interested. (stay tuned)

The second “woman with potential” has gone missing. We’ve exchanged messages and a few potential schedules, and she’s chilled them each time. I’m not surprised, as she seemed to have a much more complete life. I am about to ask her about “holding on loosely, vs. pursuit.” I have the feeling she prefers to be in complete control. And again, if I fit in, great. If not, she didn’t really NEED a relationship in the first place.

Are adults often stuck in this model of relating? I love the idea of independence  I’m just understanding the value and risk at giving up my solitude and semi-unlimited creative time. But it’s not where I want to end up. I aspire to be in a connected relationship. And part of that connectedness is having a partner who wants to be deeply connected as well.


The Off Parent

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4 Responses

  1. claire

    I stumbled upon your blog a month or two ago and at this point have read most of the posts. I think I googled something like “sharing custody” and/or “missing your kids.” I like reading your blog and find it interesting and insightful. I also identify with a lot of what you write. I have been divorced about a year, co-parent amicably but miss my kids like hell when they are with my ex husband. I’m glad my kids have two parents who love them so much, but it still sucks. I have dated one or two people and I really find your relationship writing interesting. Good words for thought.

    Anyway, I just wanted to tell you that I like reading your posts! I have no idea where you live – probably on the other side of the country from me (I am on the East Coast). Anyway, if I knew you I would undoubtedly enjoy sharing a beer!

    All the best and keep writing!


    May 8, 2013 at 6:32 pm

    • thewriter

      Claire, thank you for your kind words. I am finding my way, slowly, one step and one date at a time. I’m learning what’s not working. And trying to keep asking what IS working, and what DO I want. I’m in the center of the country, way down south, in the coolest music city on the planet. When you’re down this way let’s do grab that beer. I’m only anonymous to keep my kids and ex-y’s identity safe.

      Take Care.

      May 8, 2013 at 8:37 pm

      • claire

        Sounds like you live in Austin, TX! I have never been, but have friends who have gone to school there and they speak of it highly. I went to grad school in Madison, WI, which is also a fun music city and I think in many ways similar to Austin (except for the weather, of course!).

        I live in D.C. now, which has about every type of person you could ever imagine. There is a good vibe here if you look, and sports-minded people like me. (I am a runner – ran one marathon in 2010 and now run half-marathons, a much more manageable distance! And running has kept me sane and in shape during this past difficult year and a half.)

        Take care!

        May 10, 2013 at 9:07 am

        • thewriter

          Um, yes, I’ve been outted. Take care.

          May 10, 2013 at 9:22 am

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