Divorce, Single Parenting, Dating, Sex, & Self-Recovery

The Good Side of Divorce – Making Things Go Easier

my son's observations of me

Sometimes it takes a 3rd party to show you how good you’ve got it. This weekend a sitter asked my kids to write a simple page about why they like me. Above is my son’s observation. (I’ll share my daughter’s in a later post about fathers and daughters.) A few of the things I am grateful for in my divorce (see it’s not all rant and rave):

  1. We don’t fight (we didn’t, but we still don’t)
  2. We always put the kids first (if I can be flexible and help her, it’s best for the kids. If I get more kid time as a result, so much the better.)
  3. She’s a great mom and I try and recognize that as much as possible. (She’s not just the mother of my children, she’s someone who I still care about deeply. And she has a huge responsibility with the SOP in getting them to school, fed, loved, and cared for. And she rocks it. Regardless of how my anger often blows out on this blog, I don’t…Try not to…let any of it fly her way.)
  4. I have a lot of time to grow myself into a better dad, a better lover (eventually), and a more responsive and expressive human.
  5. My kids and I can get silly for hours at a time. (some of the policing she provided, might not have been necessary. Now we don’t have it. I’m the police, jester, and mediator, all in one.)
  6. When I have my kids I am ON 100%. (Dating and all the crap that goes with finding a new relationship, takes a back seat to my kids. Always. I’m glad we have a 6-month before introducing a GF or BF rule, but I haven’t even gotten close. I’m not looking for “almost’ or “good enough” this next time around. I’m looking for extraordinary.)
  7. She takes the best care of them she can. (I was always amazed at the kid-centered activities she could come up with. She’s better with the school activities. She’s much better with painting and crafts with friends… She’s got a ton of great gifts that she is giving to them as well.)

+++ No buts.

My anger is my own. My kids are a shared resource and responsibility. My ex-y is a wonderful human being who is doing her best in the world.

We’re done, but we’re never DONE. Like it or not, she’s in my life for the duration too. Her eventual BF-to-husband, is merely a matter of time. Dr. Marriage Divorce Counsellor said, “The deciding parent is often a lot more able and willing to move on. They’ve been moving on long before the actual divorce happens.”

How that still makes me sad I don’t know. But she moved on. And the more I support her “what’s next” the better it is going to be for my kids. (It might still hurt, but that’s part of growing into this new world order, and getting on with what is good for me too.)

This blog aside, I keep my shit to myself for the most part. Maybe too much when we were married, to the detriment of my own happiness. But I don’t have to do that now. My anger is my own. My kids are a shared resource and responsibility. My ex-y is a wonderful human being who is doing her best in the world. It is my hope that The Off Parent is more about me and my struggles, joy, and recovery than it is a bitch-fest about her. Sure I can go there. But in the real world, I leave as much of it HERE as possible.


The Off Parent

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3 Responses

  1. Ms. Maybe

    Guess I’m using this comment box as an outlet for the bitch-fest because I have to get it out of my head. The biggest fear is that mr-x will find this and use it to against me in some way. Paranoid?

    Hard to find a good side of divorce because every time I think it’s safe to finally move on and put this nightmare behind me, mr-x pulls another “gotcha” and brings up all the anger and emotional drain again.

    What hurts most is when my teenager is with me it’s clear she’s on a mission to make my life miserable. I know she’s hurting inside but whatever I say or do – it is the wrong thing. Wonder who’s fueling her fire? Hard to decipher what is just being a teen, what part is anger/fear, what part is his passive-aggressive influence over her? Doesn’t matter really. Just don’t understand why she acts so nasty towards me. Maybe I should not have fought so hard to keep her life in tact. What I did, I did for her but realize now I should have just done what was best for me. Maybe she wouldn’t hate me as much. Maybe I should have just walked away from it all. Maybe I’ll never know…

    Of course mr-x seizes this opp to file possession/support modification. Upside is I found fantastic legal counsel that will challenge this frivolous BS. Only another 5 grand down the tubes assuming we can reach agreement on wednesday without a court hearing. At least I’m getting travel points – that’s about the only positive thing I can see here.

    mr-x won’t be satisfied until I am bankrupt emotionally & physically. It’s always been and still is all about power and control. But the truth is he has NO power or control over me anymore. That’s my mantra this week. And it fells good to say that.

    April 21, 2012 at 12:10 pm

    • thewriter

      Great comment Ms. Maybe. Glad you found voice here. It’s a safe place. At least I hope I’m creating something that illicites emotional responses and is protected from judgement. Good luck on WED.

      April 21, 2012 at 2:36 pm

  2. tom spelce

    Wow, if you changed everything from mr-x to ex-y you’d have my situation! She’s used up every option and is now trying the shakedown claiming she can’t afford anything. She won’t get a job, … good news is she’s about at the end of the line. I just want to move along!

    July 25, 2012 at 11:41 pm

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