The Feeling of Falling In Love: Your Online Dating Proposal
Here is my opening statement on a dating site out there on the interwebz. I am trying to express who I am and what I am looking for, in enticing and precise language.
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I open this site with hope and a slight tingle of excitement? “Someone’s out there!”
A feeling I want to have is that of exhilaration. You cannot plan on or calculate the rush of a connection. But I am learning, as well, is that you can’t force it. When it happens we won’t have to think about it. Our mouths will simply form the words, “So what’s next?”
A little story. So I went on a first meeting date today. And things seemed to go well. Afterwards I txted this little metaphor. “Two dogs meet in a park. Either both dogs tails are wagging. Or one dog’s tail is wagging. Or neither dog’s tail is wagging. Simple mammalian mechanics. I was wagging.” Do you think that’s too strong? Well, she didn’t txt back. At least not in the 4.5 hours since lunch. No worries. I just wanted to cut to the chase, so to speak, so neither of us needed to wonder or WAIT WAIT WAIT the proper amount of time to respond. (Wasn’t an online date, so she’s not here.)
Let’s not be to precious about this “online” thing. I’d like to talk and meet not txt and chat. Don’t you think? Let’s be fearless in conversation, active in imagination, and warm in heart. Our conversations can be boundless or quiet, challenging or soothing.
Let’s grab coffee somewhere. It can just be a flyby “hello.” Dating comes after we’ve met and both say, “Hm… That’s something I’m interested in doing again.” Then we can walk, play tennis, swim, see a band, have a cup of coffee or glass of wine and see where the chemistry leads us.
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That’s how I put forward myself in the online world. What do you think?
In my 50’s now for two months, I’m clear that we don’t have unlimited time on this planet. And putting up with someone’s bad behavior is not part of my plans. I did that when I was married. This time, this relationship, I’m looking for compatibility first. And my dating male friend says, “I notice how much laughter there is when we meet.”
“Yes. We should have fun right off the bat. Unforced. Easy.”
“Right,” he said. “But, I’m talking about *me* laughing. Is she making me laugh?”
Wow. Another indication I may be working it too hard, when I’m trying to be too charming, too funny, too intimate.
I WANT to be relaxed. Let the next LOVE relationship come to me. I’m working the online angle, but I’m NOT going to be working so hard to fix that compatibility. When it happens I hope it will sweep me off my feet and out of my head. (With one caveat: I will not compromise my two main requirements: 1. expresses and feels deep emotions; 2. is comfortable expressing her affection physically.)
It’s going to happen. Patience in the dating realm is hard. We want it NOW. We dont’ want to be alone any more. We can almost taste it. But if we try to hard we might manufacture an illusion of love, but we will miss the listening and responding to the other person’s queues.
I want her to make ME laugh. Yes, that’s a great meter.
The feeling of falling in love will surprise and amaze me, again. I know it.
And OKCupid asks the question like this.
What do you think about falling in love?
- “I want it very much.”
- “I like to let it happen.”
- “What is love?”
- “Love is overrated.”
Select the answer that most closely describes you.
Sincerely,
The Off Parent
< back to On Dating Again index
Resources:
- The Divorce Library (reading list)
- Songs of Divorce (free listening library – youtube sourced songs)
- Laugh It Off (building a resource library of funny videos and other diversions)
- Facebook (follow us on Facebook and keep up with all the conversations)
- The 5 Love Languages (a book on love styles by Gary Chapman)
On Domestics, Exotics, and Sports Cars (An Aspirational Relationship Metaphor)
I am pretty sure I would have a hard time picking any domestic car that I would be happy with. In the same way, I’m pretty sure I would feel like I was settling if I didn’t aspire to be with a beautiful woman. And then there are the exotics. The Ferrari’s of the woman world, lulu lemons, fit, mid-day at the local Whole Foods still slightly damp from their yoga or crossfit class. Oui!
Now, stepping back and looking at my 2.5 years of post-divorce longing I have a few more data points into my likes, loves, and must haves. And most recently, I ended (mutually, I might add) a relationship with a beautiful woman, who floored me with her ability to express her feelings, and completely disarmed my defensive resistance by her adoration. “She really digs me,” became one of my refrains when describing her. I said it internally, as a mantra, like one continuous healing prayer. “She digs me, she digs me, she really really digs me, someone could really dig me, she digs me…”
There was nothing not to like about this sports car model. She was fast, sleek, shiny, responsive, and did I mention, she adored me?
But…
And this was the hard thing for me to fathom… At some level she was not the brand of sports car that got my pulse all hot and ready to go.
At first my internal dialogue sounded something like this… “Oh shit, I’m older, oh crap, I’m fat, oh hell, I’m depressed, oh my fucking god, I’m having sexual disfunction for the first time in my 49-year life. (Of course, I’m 50 now, a point we used to laugh about, me being the younger man and all.) But it was a mystery to me, how this “perfect” model could be more *ho hum* than *rev rev*. And it saddened me a bit.
But I went with it. I often over think things. I WAS depressed when she met me. And fuck if I knew what my brain or dick was thinking. Maybe it was my meds. God forbid if it was my desire or my erectile proficiency. God forbid!
The first month my dialogue went like this, “Oh I don’t know what I want, I don’t know what I need, I need this, I really need more of this, this is incredible, but… well… why am I not getting the *burn* for her?”
The second month my inner dialogue sounded a bit different, “Well, we’ve only been together a month, there’s no reason to jump to conclusions, I don’t have to move in or marry her right away, it sure feels good when she’s here, really really good, what is wrong with my dick and desire, how is there such a beautiful woman who digs me and I’m looking her gift mouth in the horse?”
Moving into the third month things began to get a bit more frustrated and my self talk took on a new quality, “She’s amazing, she’s everything I want, she’s beautiful, she’s stable, she’s got her finances together, she’s a HUGE plus, I could really see combining forces with someone like her, but… It’s not her?” I did my best not to thrash with my emerging thread, “It’s not her. It’s not really (consciously) me. It’s something else. It must be chemistry.”
Adding one more metaphor into the mix, I started trying to understand the ON and OFF switch to be something a bit more mammalian. “Two dogs meet up in the park, they sniff and size each other up, and based completely on their animal instincts, one of them wags an expressive and desirous tail and the other dog walks away with indifference.” There’s no accounting for size, color, breed… Nothing. It’s as if some internal radar system that detects passion level is ON for one of the participants and the the other is a MAYBE or an OFF. There’s no point in dissecting the WHY at some point. For the dogs it just IS. There’s no shame for either dog. It’s just the magic game of life and love.
So, my girlfriend was a sports car to be sure. There were a few things that were different from any previous relationship I’d been in. There were a lot of things I could point to as desirable and great qualities. But some internal radar was not wagging my tail. Why struggle and fight?
Except I wanted to observe what things DID make my tail wag. I did want to see if the logic and affection could override the heart.
In my case, the heart won.
As we moved into the holidays, there were moments of great joy and moments of disconnect. She had a catch phrase that would pop up at times when we hadn’t seen each other for a while. “How is it with your heart?” she would ask.
I could never really come out and say it. “Um…”
We both knew what she was asking. She was checking my pulse. In her own way she was asking, “So… You feel it now?”
An amazing thing connection we had kicked our connection off in an amazing way. We were both graduates of the WYRE divorce recovery class, given in town by a psychologist who’d been leading the classes for over 25 years. I was a graduate of class number 172 and a facilitator of class 173. When we made that shared connection at about minute 20 of our first “date” it was a slippery slope into bed. We were both hungry. I was ravenous.
So the other day, post “back-to-friends” change with the girlfriend, I was out with my daughter. We ran into a woman who was one of the most charming exotics I’d ever met. “She’s almost too pretty,” I said to my daughter, who was gunning for me to ask this new woman on a date. “She liked you,” said my little 10-yo wingman.
There was a blood rush that happened the moment she began talking to us. A smile, a tone of voice, a laughing style of talking. WAG WAG WAG. She’s also 10+ years younger than myself. No ring, so there was that as well.
I was a bit intoxicated as we left the “party” in the local high-end dog treat store. She was “selling” for a local high-end veterinarian business that was nearby. Maybe she was selling, I thought. Surely someone that pretty and happy has a boyfriend. Surely.
My concern with the exotic in general goes something like this, “She’s hit on by every man in a 100 yard radius. Eventually Brad Pitt is going to show up and she’s gonna go with THAT exotic.” But that’s a projection of my own insecurity. For me, once there’s a lock, there’s a loyalty and a trust that can be established that is unbreakable. I’ve seen it. I know it exists. I’ve experienced on my side. And I’ve seen it fall apart on the other side, IF it ever really existed.
So, I’m into exotics but I’m a bit scared of the intoxication that goes along with them. (Lot’s of preconceived notions about who they are and how easy their stroll through life has been. Of course that stereotype is bullshit. But still hard to shake.) BUT, the funny thing was, when the tail wag happened there was very little I could do to stop the rush, longing, the “hey, let’s go sniff around that for a bit more.”
She was charming. She was selling services to a local vet. She said how pretty my daughter was. She made sure we had the $25-off coupon. I made sure we said good bye in a “see ya later” way.
I don’t drive an exotic. But I don’t drive a domestic either. I drive something on the sporty side of sports cars. A solid german car with a bit of a AWD punch added in. I love my car. I am loyal to it. I don’t have eyes for ANY OTHER CAR. That’s the way I roll, I guess.
And that was the final tell for me in the relationship to the beautiful ex-girlfriend. I was clearly not DONE when I was with her. I wanted to be DONE, I wanted to be SET, I wanted to be LOVED. But I was unsatisfied at some dog-brain level.
She and I used our training from the WYRE class to discuss our friendship, hope for the other person to find what REALLY lit up their passion radar on all levels. And mostly, we hoped for each other that the adoration would be mutual. She deserved someone who adored her, who coveted her, who IMPRINTED and LOCKED on her scent, color, strength, and passion. She deserved more than I could offer. And her, “How’s it with your heart,” question pretty much illuminated how much she knew that and desired it too.
As we were having coffee and breakfast after the breakup, I told her, “You have been my best friend for three months. I don’t want to give that up. I will continue to care about you and encourage you to not settle for anything but AMAZING.”
We are good friends. She’s a lighthouse who brought me out of the deepest of self-fogs. She illuminated the possibilities in my heart before I could seen them for myself. She loved me out of my stupor. And I will continue to LOVE her, I even said it in a txt or email last night, in a different and powerful way.
She is my healing relationship. (a WYRE concept) She still IS.
Sincerely,
The Off Parent
< back to On Dating Again index
Resources:
- The Divorce Library (reading list)
- Songs of Divorce (free listening library – youtube sourced songs)
- Laugh It Off (building a resource library of funny videos and other diversions)
- Facebook (follow us on Facebook and keep up with all the conversations)
- The 5 Love Languages (a book on love styles by Gary Chapman)
Online Dating: Setting Your Sights for WOW and Browsing the Herd
Forgive the animal metaphor, but online dating is a bit like a cattle call. A stream of faces and mythical ratings to entice and enchant you. As the fantasy goes, “I’m single again, let’s take advantage of this new world, sew some seeds, have some fun.”
The reality is much more time consuming, mundane, and potentially expensive.
Filling out your online dating profile even if you have no intention of “working” the system, is one of the real benefits of giving it a go. Here’s why.
ABOUT YOU
- Describing what you are like
- Sharing things you like to do with others
- Remembering what’s romantic, even if it’s been a long time
- Outlining a bit about who you want to meet
- Defining what you are looking for (a relationship, a fling, a bootie call)
ABOUT THEM
- Seeking out and finding the traits you want in your next relationship
- Noticing what “types” turn you on, and what things immediately turn you off
- Seeing the wide variety of smiles and styles out there, theoretically dating
- Do you have any deal breakers (smoking, drugs, too religious, not religious enough)
- Exploring deeper aspects of a woman’s personality by reading her profile and looking at her answers
Overall, the process should bring several things to light.
- Are you ready to be in a relationship?
- Are you ready to shine up and show up?
- How much are you willing to learn about the new dance of dating?
Here’s what I think I learned about myself, thus far.
- I like dark hair more than lighter shades
- I prefer small breasted women
- If there is not something simply amazing about the person (that I can see in their profile) there probably will not be something amazing about them in person
- I don’t really like dating, I want to be in-relationship and not paying for wine bars
- Intelligence is more important than waistline, but… There is a limit
- I’m craving something more than just a relationship, I want the BUZZ
- The buzz has led me astray before, I have to keep refining my two core needs, in spite of the buzz
- Physical touch and closeness is very important, and it can be over done
- Emotional depth and ease of expression is something I’m good at, and I require that in my partner as well
All this to say, I have built a roadmap for finding the next love of my life. (Sounds corny.) But I’m not looking to shop the herd, or play the field. I’m looking to find the next person “to come home to.” (An OKCupid catch phrase.)
So in this year or so, that I’ve been playing on OKCupid I have had three relationships. One long one. (Current “girlfriend” is going on three months.) But I’ve only met ONE woman who embodied for me the IT GIRL. As I was walking away from this two-hour chat I was thinking, “If she’ll date, I’ll take down my profile tomorrow.”
She didn’t. And thus I’m about to hang my flag back up on OKCupid.
But I think I need to talk to the “girlfriend” and be honest about what’s going on. It’s part of the new year. Not to live with “almost” and to open up the pain of “alone” to make room for “wow.”
Sincerely,
The Off Parent
PS. What does “spiritual but not religious” mean? I think I know, do you?
< back to On Dating Again index
Resources:
- The Divorce Library (reading list)
- Songs of Divorce (free listening library – youtube sourced songs)
- Laugh It Off (building a resource library of funny videos and other diversions)
- Facebook (follow us on Facebook and keep up with all the conversations)
- The 5 Love Languages (a book on love styles by Gary Chapman)
Incredible Orgasms Didn’t Save My Marriage
Maybe the fact that I bought this book for my ex-y while we were still married was a sign. And we never got to it. She saw a book on the side of the bed that I was reading, called Saving Your Sex-Starved Marriage. Um, I didn’t really mean for her to see it. And when she did it started a big fight. (That was a sign as well.)
You see, I’ve always been a big fan of the female orgasm. Don’t think I don’t like my own as well, but something about that experience of making a woman kinda explode with pleasure… Well, that’s my definition of high. (Maybe I’m a lesbian.)
Okay so sex with the ex-y devolved into something like this: 1. I give her an amazing oral orgasm; 2. I can have sex with her if I want to after that.
There’s no myth or mystery about the fact that most women don’t have orgasms vaginally. That’s okay with me. If I had a penis that could perform even half as well or long as my fingers and tongue can… Well, you get the idea.
Okay, so I’m pretty hyped on the orgasm thing, her orgasm. And when I started having desire/erection problems with my current, the “girlfriend,” I was a little concerned that I was simply growing older. What I learned was, it wasn’t my desire or my penis. It was my animal attraction to the “girlfriend.”
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I already know I will regret it even before I do it. She will be sad. I will be lonely. We will move on.
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There’s a great song on the new Wilco album, “I should’ve been in love.” It’s how I feel. This woman is most of my needs and desires in spades. Touch: bang. Emotional intelligence: yep. Desire and sex drive: um, above mine, and that’s a first.
And yet, I’ve just turned my OK Cupid profile back on. I’m not just looking for something or someone who’s perfect. But when you don’t have that pop, that chemical jolt, well, without that, I feel like something is missing.
My sister rightly points out, “You’re sexual chemistry thing hasn’t worked out so well, has it?” But I beg to differ. (Except in the case of wife #1 the insane Basque woman, who was hotter than a firecracker and loopier than one exploding.) The allure was immediate when I ran into the ex-y that first time. I reach out a hand to shake, she reached out her arms to hug. I was smitten in those few first seconds. I never recovered.
What is it about “girlfriend” that doesn’t pop? I really am curious about that. At the moment, I’m still IN with her (Meaning, I’m not dating anyone else, and we’re spending all of my free time together – in my mind I’m trying to give it a chance to grow.) but I’m feeling the pull, even at the risk of being alone, of going back out on to the market. Saying, “I’m not that into you.”
It will be a painful moment. And I already know I will regret it even before I do it. She will be sad. I will be lonely. We will move on. We will remain friends. (Maybe.) I’m even a little pre-sad now just admitting and writing this.
But this one time, this next time, as I have a clearer bead on what I want and what I don’t want, I’m also committed to not settling for “almost.”
Sincerely,
The Off Parent
related posts:
- The Beginning of the End: Losing Touch In My Marriage
- Terms of Surrender: Our Divorce Papers
- No Divorce Expert: But If You Parent 50/50 You Should Divorce 50/50
- this very last second of love i have for you a poem
- The 1st and 2nd Time I Knew My Marriage Was Finished
resources:
- The Divorce Library (reading list)
- Songs of Divorce (free listening library – youtube sourced songs)
- Laugh It Off (building a resource library of funny videos and other diversions)
- Facebook (follow us on Facebook and keep up with all the conversations)
- The 5 Love Languages (a book on love styles by Gary Chapman)
Kiss Kiss Bang Bang: Waking Up My Passionate Lover
Okay, I have to use the word “girlfriend” at this point. It’s been well over 90 days, and she’s still around and still at the center of my off parent time. And… Well… It’s kind of hard to say, “I have no idea what I’m doing.”
What I know is… She is my first relationship post divorce. Those other things were blips.
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When she woke up my desire I screwed her like I really remembered screwing. Passion. Energy. And stamina.
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She matches me in so many ways (love of music, sleeping patterns, creative ambition, ability to nap and rest rather than strive) that I think I’m trying to figure out what’s wrong.
Here’s what happened. She came right out and said it on our introductory drink. “You are much cuter than your profile!”
I’m sure I paused at that. [Was this woman just forward? Was she a desperate? What was wrong with her, couldn’t she see how fucked up I was at that very moment?]
And I walked her out to her car. An awkward moment, to be sure. And there, next to her cute convertible mini, she leaned in for what could only be a signal for “kiss me.” And I stepped up to the plate and planted a good kiss on her. Grabbed the back of her neck and pulled her even closer. Even as I was freaking out, “What the fuck? Am I insane? Oh to hell with it!”
And I walked back to my car, in a bit of a daze. Erect and ready, sure, but also confused.
And then on came the relationship. She was “into me” she said it frequently and without shame. I know she was asking for the same response from me. But I was too busy trying to examine my own WTF response to her mere presence in my life.
So on she came. Like a force, like a drug. And on she came, asking deep questions, stroking me with every opportunity, and singing my praises.
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I know the ADORE has to go both ways. Is that what’s growing within me? Am I growing to adore her, or just getting more comfortable in the relationship?
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At the same time I was a little off balance, she was the definition of what I was asking for just a few months ago. (Yoga Girl Next Door)
A few nights ago, returning from a trip, I was bushed and just wanted to sleep. She wanted satisfaction. She missed me. She hungered for me. When she woke up my desire I screwed her like I really remembered screwing. Passion. Energy. And stamina.
The headboard of her bed banging against the wall.
And for the last few days, I’ve been the On Parent again, and my stomach muscles have been telling me, cheering me, about my prowess. Damn!
So am I jumping into the next phase because of the extraordinary stress in my family situation right now? Am I stealing the bootie by sexing and caressing and sleeping with someone who… how can I say it… who is not my erotic ideal? And really, what does that mean?
The only thing I can grasp on to: This is still an early relationship. There is no need to jump further into things. We are three months into things. I don’t have to marry her and settle down next week. So I am observing, with curiosity, my attraction to other women. Sure: younger, skinnier, darker hair, darker skin. But those physical things are NOTHING compared to the ADORATION.
I know the ADORE has to go both ways. Is that what’s growing within me? Am I growing to adore her, or just getting more comfortable in the relationship? I know there is tension in the place where she is CRUSHING and I am not. But that should not be a problem if we stay open and honest.
That’s the trick. That will be the trick. I meet an attractive ideal, and I want to… what? Kiss? Date? Go to lunch? At what point do I have to tell her, “I’m still kinda looking.” A sad moment that will be.
Until that point, or the point at which I succumb to her charms and beauty, I will be aware of what is going on inside of me, and try to sort out what is real and what is fantasy. She is certainly REAL. She is certainly WARM and TOUCHY-FEELY.
And I could go on about her great qualities. Solid. Financially stable. Beautiful eyes.
I sound like I’m still trying to convince myself.
Sincerely,
The Off Parent
< back to On Dating Again index
Related Posts:
To Love and Be Loved (Dating After Divorce)
Adoration is a wonderful and powerful thing. The woman I am dating has been responsible for lifting me up with the sheer will and determination of her adoration.
But somehow the word “girlfriend” still feels weird in my mouth. Like “wife” did when I first got married. After a while you begin to like the sound of it. I’m not there yet.
Last night, at her house, she said, “You know next Wednesday it will be eight weeks.”
“Huh?”
“Since we met.”
So why am I so reticent? What is my hold up?
It’s back to that adoration thing. It is absolutely frickin wonderful to be adored. And adored like I have never been before. Adored after a devastating divorce which left me nearly crippled. And on so many ways, this is enough.
But in one way, it is not enough. And I think I’ve got a handle on part of it.
The adoration from someone is a powerful healing force. BUT the complete circle is not made until you too are adoring back. It’s like I’m half open. I’m grateful. I’m loving. But I’m not adoring.
She feels it. She pushes against it, even if it’s like pushing on a sore spot. Because I can’t say it’s there if it isn’t. I can’t profess my undying love (like I did in my first two marriages) if I’ve still got my eye out for something that hits my chemistry love button as well.
But I don’t have to make all those decisions now. I have to be honest. I have to not lie when she pines for my “l” word. And I don’t have to make the decision to be with her till death or divorce do us part. We’re still only 8 weeks into it.
Sincerely,
The Off Parent
< back to On Dating Again index
Resources:
- The Divorce Library (reading list)
- Songs of Divorce (free listening library – youtube sourced songs)
- Laugh It Off (building a resource library of funny videos and other diversions)
- Facebook (follow us on Facebook and keep up with all the conversations)
- The 5 Love Languages (a book on love styles by Gary Chapman)
Nobody Is Going to Hold Your Dream for You
So when did we start making love to abs? I’m kinda sick of it. I mean, don’t get me wrong, a sculpted body is nice, and obvious results from a hell of a lot of work… But…
I’ve seen my abs once in my life. I was a sophomore in high school, I was on the swim team and we were swimming twice a day, lifting weights, and eating well. It was all so planned and supported. And I had swimming teammates, and perhaps a romantic interest in more than one of the women on the swim team. It’s kind of what you do up East in the Winter. Swim, Basketball, or Ice Hockey. I swam.
Once in my life I had the abs we so aspire to. But is it like pornography, the uber-fit woman or man? Sure we glamorize the human body. And the magazines are filled with 20 – 30 year olds who have spent a good bit of their free time working on their abs. I can’t think of anything quite so boring.
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I’m afraid the effort it takes to maintain that form would completely outweigh the potential time with me, or time fulfilling other parts of what’s important in a life.
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I wasn’t one to spend time in a gym. I mean, running on a treadmill going nowhere. What do you do with that? Watch TV? No thanks. And something about being inside, always feels kind of like cheating. But, then again, I live in Texas, and it’s fuckin hot out there. So what’s the trade off?
I probably will not see my iron stomach again in this lifetime. I mean, it’s possible, but it’s not really a goal of mine. I can’t add up the number of hours it would take, doing stuff I don’t like doing, hate actually, over the next 6-months to a year. Um, yeah… Not going to happen.
That’s not to say I don’t have ideas of getting in better shape. I do. It’s just, the learnings I am getting along the journey back to fitness from depression, divorce, and isolation, are unbelievably valuable. It’s a process back to myself. Back to learning what I’m in it for, what I like doing, and what the time is worth that I could be spending “at the gym.”
I have plans. I am getting ready to work with a nutritionist to learn about things like gluten and carbs and my particular chemical make up. But I can tell you this, I have had love handles in some shape and form, since I was 2 years old. And that one brief period of my life, when I was 15, was the only time I’m going to have a GQ-cover-worth stomach.
So that’s not my goal. And while I would love to nuzzle up to the beautiful body above, I’m afraid the effort it takes to maintain that form would completely outweigh the potential time with me, or time fulfilling other parts of what’s important in a life.
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She once said to me, about her beauty, “It’s all I have.” She was depressed about her divorce and she drank alone on weekends when she didn’t have her kids.
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There’s a lot to be said for physical beauty. And there’s a lot more to be said for attitude, life approach, centeredness, and warmth. (see Enlightenment post) And when I find the next woman, I hope she has a slim figure, it’s what I’m trained to be drawn towards. [It probably has more to do with my older sister’s ghost than any media driven ideal.] But that’s not the first thing I’m looking for or at.
So here’s the concept: No one is going to hold your dream for you. The woman who I met a few weeks ago, who felt like a first possible “match” was not impressed by something. And she couldn’t possibly see the me I am aiming for. And could I actually expect her to understand my self-improvement plan? No, of course, she sees what she sees.
And the lesson here is, SO DO I. I see myself, and if I compare my stomach to my 15-year-old stomach, I might get depressed. But it’s not about my stomach flatness. That might be something that she is interested in. And it might be something that I marginally aspire towards, but it’s nothing like the athletic-gym-addict stomach above.
I recently met, and hung out with a woman who resembles the picture above. She was funny, cute, spunky, and obviously obsessed with her image. She once said to me, about her beauty, “It’s all I have.” She was depressed about her divorce and she drank alone on weekends when she didn’t have her kids. [The definition of tragedy.]
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We can’t set anyone else’s priorities or reprogram their dreams. The near match woman was as close as I’ve come to someone who seemed balanced.
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But she didn’t have time for me. I wasn’t stalking her or anything. We went out dancing one of those vodka nights. And we had a blast. And I was only able to wrestle one more meeting out of her, over coffee where she fiddled with her iPad the entire time.
Her email later said it all. “We can have fun. I just have to get some more of my life back together first.”
A few months later I saw her running on the trail around the lake. There was a moment of recognition and she ducked her head and ran on past. Yes, fine, I didn’t want to interrupt her run.
Later I pinged her via email. “Did I see you this afternoon on the trail?”
“Yes, that’s about all I have time for, being a single parent and all. Work, working out, and taking care of my kids.”
“Okay, well, you looked good. Hope you are well. Cheers.”
That’s what we’re all doing. Setting priorities between work, self, kids, relationships, spiritual practice. There’s only so many hours, and of course, you are what you pay attention to.
So I’m happy with a flat and fit stomach on others. And I do want to get mine in better proportion to how I would like to look. But if I start aspiring towards my old 16-year-old body, I can lose sight of my own priorities.
We can’t set anyone else’s priorities or reprogram their dreams. The near match woman was as close as I’ve come to someone who seemed balanced. And if I’d been more balanced, maybe she’d have seen the same spark I saw. But, of course, she could not hold the idea of who I was becoming, or where I was going. How could she? There’s no one who is going to hold your dream for you.
No worries. Of course she is out there. And the me I want to be is too. Oh wait… The me I want to be is right here. I need to remember that.
It gets better.
Sincerely,
The Off Parent
@theoffparent
related posts:
- The Promise in a Thumbnail; Online Dating Hits and Misses
- The Honey Trap: How Beauty Can Lead Us Astray
- The Malleable Trajectory of Desire in Online Dating
- All Kinds of Women and the Sparks of Desire
- Fractured People: Learning About Boundaries in Dating After Divorce
resources:
- The Divorce Library (reading list)
- Songs of Divorce (free listening library – youtube sourced songs)
- Laugh It Off (building a resource library of funny videos and other diversions)
- Facebook (follow us on Facebook and keep up with all the conversations)
- The 5 Love Languages (a book on love styles by Gary Chapman)
A Moment of Enlightenment Has Arrived: The Path I’m Leaving Behind
I could hope for an Age of Enlightenment, but I’m being realistic.
I can comfortably say that I have passed through the Dark Ages, and I am somewhere in the Between Ages. But I have also reached a moment, this moment, where I can see certain things quite clearly. And while the path ahead is not clear, the mistakes of the ages behind has never been clearer.
The other day I was describing what I was seeking in my relationship.
“Someone who is warm and deep feeling.”
You see, I believe those are two of my strongest qualities. 1. Warmth: expresses joy and togetherness easily, often encourages and brings energy and happiness into a room when they arrive. 2. Deep Feeling: able to connect with the emotions that are often the cause of suffering, disappointment, and immense joy.
It is my understanding, at this moment, that deep feeling and warmth are the two qualities I have not held out for in my first attempts at marriage. There are a lot of traits to connect and disconnect with people on, and somehow my other “needs” or “connective traits” seemed more important at the time. Maybe I was lonely. Maybe I lost sight of what was possible. But somehow I settled on these two qualities in both my previous marriages.
While my most recent wife was beautiful, smart, devoted, and organized. The labels of “warmth” and “deep feeling” are probably not going to be generally applied to her personality. That’s okay. We are all different. And maybe what is warmth to me is something different to others. That’s all fine. But for me, even at the beginning, when we were courting madly, there was that spark of joy missing. The deep feeling seemed to arise when we were engaged in lovemaking and enjoying a glass of wine, but of course, you can’t always be fucking and drinking, there’s a lot more to life.
So outside of those kinds of extraordinary circumstances, what is the quality of the person you are looking to be with? When the tasks become more mundane, what is the timbre of the relationship?
So this momentary illumination of these two critical traits is important. I don’t have to try and convince myself that these two traits are more important than a flat stomach or an activated and creative imagination. Both of my wives had brilliant creative impulses, and both were beautiful to look at.
Online dating is an opportunity to refine your perspective. In many ways, building a profile on an online dating site is like setting intentions.
1. We have to say who we are: Here is what I want you to know about me. Here is how I present myself in my best light. Here is a picture that I think does make me look cuter than others.
2. We have to begin the process of identifying who we want to be with next: Initially, it’s a bit like browsing for a house online, you are looking for the initial curb appeal. Again, these photos are some of the best this woman could find to represent who she wants you to see. Photos lie.
As we travel through this process, appraising, arranging, asking, flirting, explaining… we get a chance to refine our pitch and our wishlist. And once we get clarity on those non-negotiable traits that we must have in our next relationship, the task is much easier. Or, at least, clearer.
Now I have it. At this very moment, I believe that everything comes after my two main criteria. Warmth and Deep Feeling. Of course, there has got to be the curb appeal or I won’t even have a chance to say hello. (this cuts both ways) And, I believe my “enlightenment” comes from the realization that other traits are important (1. intelligence, 2. outward beauty, 3. self-awareness/spirituality) but without warmth and the ability to express it at a deep level, well, without that we have the path I am leaving behind.
Sincerely,
The Off Parent
related posts:
- Burn the Maps!
- Little Turnoffs: On a First Date with a Woman
- Aqua y besos: How Do We Gain So Much Energy from Love?
- The Sensual and the Sexual
- What’s the Worst That Could Happen?
resources:
- The Divorce Library (reading list)
- Songs of Divorce (free listening library – youtube sourced songs)
- Laugh It Off (building a resource library of funny videos and other diversions)
- Facebook (follow us on Facebook and keep up with all the conversations)
- The 5 Love Languages (a book on love styles by Gary Chapman)
Met My Match: My Online Dating Near Miss Responds
(This post continues the story begun here: Harsh Awareness: I Wouldn’t Date Me – What Am I Looking for After Divorce?)
She did respond, last night.
“Its been a crazy busy week and already thurs night. crazy! anyway, i thought about it. i have a firm rule about not dating in my business circle, just too close for me. I checked out your linkedin profile and we are connected through 16 people. 2nd level – thats a lot in my business circle so…. if you are open to being friends, great. if not, i completely understand.”
And here is my response:
This is not a love letter. I’m not going to try and convince you to reconsider your choice. Thank you for your response. I have learned to expect nothing. I do want to offer a slightly different perspective and see if this jives with your understanding or doesn’t. Either way, I’d love to hear what you think, and I totally understand if you are too busy to respond yet again. (grin)
Two thoughts.
ONE
If the spark was there for you there would be no rules, plans, concepts, that would keep you from planning a second date. In fact, my expectation is, if things are sparking, we would both be asking, “So what are you doing this weekend?”
You were quite succinct in your assessment as we were walking towards the cars, “So I get the idea that you would like to go out again, right?” I nodded. “Well, I need to catch some air and think about it.”
Easy. Sure. No problem. Got it. While energized by the multi-hour conversation, I was clear that I had not scored the slam dunk I was imagining. I ignored my own guideline and wrote you a witty rejoinder on OK Cupid, and worse yet, had to go for the “ine” ryhyming thing via txt. Bad idea. Oh well. I was able to walk away from the evening with some pretty amazing self-awareness. (If you’re interested, I can share more, at some future time.)
So I walked away from the “Howdy” portion of our meeting with a buzz in my head and heart and a miss in my mind. No worries.
Conclusion: when the spark hits, there will be little resistance from either person when asking, “What’s next.” Damn the torpedoes. I’m hoping for this, at some point.
TWO
Going on seven months with OK Cupid you were the first “hello” that had me giddy. So many touch points between us, and a similar playfulness in our conversation. And I could see myself wanting to go with you, and follow you down any conversational path you wanted to take. And I would guess, unless you careless with your time, that you were enjoying our evening as well. And it was much more than your attractive smile and demeanor. You have great passion and humor. It was your attitude that I was aware of wanting to lean into.
But something was a miss. For you.
For me, I was willing to suspend any concerns, perceptions, next steps, in favor of “what ever.” I had the momentary high, “I’d take my profile down tomorrow if she said she wanted to date.” So clearly, I was IN.
You were OUT.
So here comes my own self-observation, self-deception, self-awareness. The only thing that doesn’t feel 100% awesome about me, is the weight I’m carrying as a result of my divorce/depression. And it’s okay. I had a momentary ah ha, “I wouldn’t date me.”
If there were no resistance, the mutual professional circles would be a connection and a touchpoint for trust, validation, and honesty. If there were no resistance, you would’ve left the idea of “next” open for either of us to broach. But you were very clear. You DID understand MY readiness. And you DID understand your hesitation.
So I don’t think it’s about LinkedIN, or professional networks. I think it’s a fundamental MISS.
It’s unfortunate because it must’ve been a near miss. And you had a potential partner who was saying, “All In.” Rare indeed, that kind of clarity.
And you have done me a favor. Both in your beauty and awakening effect you have had on my expectations of what I am looking for. “No compromise!” I had not experienced this since my divorce from a very attractive and potent woman.
And in your honesty at saying, “No thanks.”
I’m not expecting a huge response from you. I’m not actually expecting any response, and that’s okay, writing this message has helped clarify my feelings and ideas about meeting you and our near miss.
She’s still out there. And she behaves (and perhaps looks) a lot like you.
+++
Sincerely,
The Off Parent
Reference: OK Cupid founders: Your Looks and Online Dating (Perceptions of attractiveness men vs women)
< back to On Dating Again index
Resources:
- The Divorce Library (reading list)
- Songs of Divorce (free listening library – youtube sourced songs)
- Laugh It Off (building a resource library of funny videos and other diversions)
- Facebook (follow us on Facebook and keep up with all the conversations)
- The 5 Love Languages (a book on love styles by Gary Chapman)
The Ballet Dancer and the Buddha – Do We Have a Disconnect?
I am not happiest when I am going through a fat period, but it happens. Sometimes fatter than others. I guess it’s common for a lot of folks. Maybe the balance between our bodies, work, and spirit are an interrelated display of how in-balance we are in our lives. But if the disconnect begins to happen between someone’s body and how it feels to be in it, bad things can happen. I know, I’ve been there.
I’d say I’m not obsessed with the skinny-fit abs on a woman. I guess I’d better hope she’s not obsessed with my abs either. (grin)
That said, I had the opportunity to crush up against that imagined flexibility quite recently. My ex-y is a very fit and finely tuned woman. And if I were to describe my first wife, I’d say she is still as hot as she was when I met her, petite, wiry and fiery. So in my two core relationships I’d say I’ve leaned towards the lean.
And last week I had an opportunity to explore my proclivity for the athletic body type. A wonderfully fun and witty woman showed up in my life. And before we’d even met in person, I could see from her Facebook pictures that she was of a different body type then I was trained to crave.
[I recall when I first started dating my ex-y, telling a friend, “She’s kind of a big girl.” I was speaking primarily of height, but she was stout compared to my wispy first wife. “That’s the way I love’m,” my friend said. And I too became familiar and fond of the woman who could match me toe to toe in a balance of strength and femininity.]
And so I prompted my mind before we met, about this woman’s body type being a bit more in line with my current shape.
What if I’m not into that? I wondered. What if the woman [the women] I’m really after are after someone fitter than me? Makes sense.
Well, I’m after the fitter me too. And I’m more in touch with the feeling of being out of balance with my body today than I have ever been. I am aware of my minor Buddha belly, and I am in motion to make things different again. However, until then… What am I saying about that woman that may just be my own dorky inexperience?
Can the Buddha in me love the Buddha girl, or does my craving for the ballet dancer override my intellectual attraction?
And how’s it worked out so far with these amazingly beautiful women?
I had a theory when I was younger that you had the triad of Spirit – Mind – Body. And, in my understanding, I could only focus on two of the three. And it was clear I had chosen Spirit and Mind. It’s not that I’ve not had very fit periods in my life, I have. And it’s not like I’m massively obese, I’m not. In fact my waistline is 8 inches bigger than it was at my peak fitness moment, sophomore in high school, swimming team. So I’m not off the map of myself. But I am a bit out side the comfort limits.
Today I’m much more aware of what’s happening with my body. I have more time alone to discuss things with myself. I have this relationship pause to self-assess what happened before and what I want to happen next. And I am fascinated by several of the most beautiful women I have ever been around. And while I desire them both, I am clear that they are not who I want to be with. I wonder if that is not my same self-deluded radar showing them as out of bounds, or damaged in some way.
Both my marriages ended in some pretty serious sexual dysfunction.
Marriage one brought her sexual abuse past out of the closet after we’d been married about a year. And the skeleton never returned to the closet, or left the side of the bed when we were making love.
Marriage two was more complicated. There was nothing wrong with my ex-y’s sexual functioning. At least not in the beginning. We had the most fulfilling and full sex lives of anything I’d ever experienced. But at some point she began closing something off from me. She began protecting and guarding some inner part of herself. And when that starts happening, it’s not long before the person would rather not more than rather. So as she withdrew further into her protected self, she had less willingness to open up to me. Even a casual quickie became something we had to map and schedule and detail. And after a while, even my desires began to be re-channeled.
So today, am I a Buddha in search of a ballet dancer? Or am I an athlete in a Buddha phase still looking to return to a less Buddha-like time? And would I be willing to be with the Buddha girl? Is my taste for ab candy as much a habit of experience or cultural imagery? These questions I don’t know.
But an illuminating moment comes when I think about the two “most beautiful women in the world” that I have been hanging with. Would I do almost anything to have another amazingly hot woman in relationship? And would I over look her potential red flag warnings while examining her musculature? I don’t know. I have in the past. But I’m trying to do better this next time.
And I guess the most important part of this entire process that is becoming more clear is my need to love myself. I am going through a fat period. That’s okay. [One of my friends was talking about my need to get in shape before I could find the woman I wanted to be with. “Dude, if she can’t appreciate you for exactly who you are, fk her. You’re not a different person when you’re in better shape. If that’s what she’s all into, she’s not the one.”]
So, I know, we project The One. There is no ONE out there. But am I willing to miss all the Buddha girls out there, just because I think I’m only attracted to the ballet dancer?
Good question.
Sincerely,
The Off Parent
< back to On Dating Again index
Resources:
- The Divorce Library (reading list)
- Songs of Divorce (free listening library – youtube sourced songs)
- Laugh It Off (building a resource library of funny videos and other diversions)
- Facebook (follow us on Facebook and keep up with all the conversations)
- The 5 Love Languages (a book on love styles by Gary Chapman)
A Road Trip to Fantasy and a Drive Home to Reality
This amazing woman hit me on my OK Cupid profile last week. She was very attractive, funny, spiritual, and very confident. After our initial ice breaker email she asked, “So you came to my profile page. Why didn’t you contact me?”
“Simple. Your 187 miles away.”
“That’s it?”
“Pretty much.”
Thus entered our “sorting it out” phase. And I willingly fell into a 2 hour chat session online with this spiritual kali who was recently returned from India and Haiti and other amazing parts in between.
Jump cut to yesterday.
But even at 110 mph it takes about 3 hours to drive there. And I’m not very fond of this city. The drive is B O R I N G. So along the way I had a few things to think about. What in the world was I do driving to Dallas? And was this woman I was going to meet, in the habit of manifesting men from within a 150 mile radius. She was quite glowing in her photos.
So I came up with this little matrix, sort of a “how would I evaluate the next lover” SWOT analysis.
At the Jack in a Box I began to come back to earth on my rapid quest. Where this woman fell was somewhere closer to the spiritual over physical. (I do too.) And what our 150-mile-away lunch date would fill in was the details of the other axis easy/stable vs flexible/need.
There are certainly some other variables that are not on the matrix. [+] positive, [-] negative, and [+/-] mixed.
- [+/-] reminds me of someone
- [+] sparkles/spiritual glow/magic
- [-] drugs/alcohol
- [-] too self-centered
- [-] never married/no kids
Here’s what I learned. I AM in the mood for a relationship. I am not afraid to quest off in some random direction to see what develops. BUT. The trip to Dallas was more about me than it was about the woman. I love driving. I had a little space to get flexible. And zoom I’m off.
She was nice, but she wasn’t the maiden I was looking for.
Sincerely,
The Off Parent
< back to On Dating Again index
Resources:
- The Divorce Library (reading list)
- Songs of Divorce (free listening library – youtube sourced songs)
- Laugh It Off (building a resource library of funny videos and other diversions)
- Facebook (follow us on Facebook and keep up with all the conversations)
- The 5 Love Languages (a book on love styles by Gary Chapman)
Putting Online Dating in Perspective
Um, honey, let me ask you a question. Are you saying the best part of you is the swell of your left breast? And your user name, SRSLY? I guess you’re not looking at this online thing too hard. Or perhaps you are looking for the dudes that will jump at a side picture of a breast in black sparkly dress. I guess…
And the bathroom meme for your photo is sad. It’s not all that exciting to see your shower and towel rack. I mean, you’ve got to have a few friends who could help you out. Even one of those fancy phones that have the camera that faces back at you?
One of the cool things, the organizing things, about setting up your online profile is you have two major tasks.
- How do you present yourself to the world? Photo. User Name. Bio and Answers to provocative or benign questions.
- What are you really looking for? Big breasts. Fit stomach. Brains bigger than yours. A smile. Humor.
Step 3 is continually refining what you want and how you present yourself.
In completing the first round of questions and bio fields in your dating profile you’re going to at least be getting a picture of what you think you are and what you think you are looking for.
So “trouble” in you profile name might not be the best choice, unless that’s what you are trying to attract.
And then you start the process of going on a few meet and greets. “Let’s grab a cup of coffee…” And now your sense of what’s important gets refined. One of my discoveries, “Wow, she was beautiful and liked to work out a lot. BUT… we had NOTHING to talk about.”
Okay so my priority, actually, is brains and banter over nice boobs or taut abs. And my recent experience says that as long as they are not obese I can get quite excited by different body types and styles.
And my other recent commitment: if there is not something absolutely extraordinary about the person, there is no real reason to meet. I’m not looking to fill time, or keep from being lonely. I’m looking for someone who can keep up with my rapid fire synapses and THEN perhaps my strong hands. Perhaps. But again, BED IS NOT THE GOAL.
Again, a friend asked me, chastised me really, about following up with a beautiful woman I’d had 1 date with. “She’s not that into you, why are you still wasting time on her?”
“I’m not really trying to have sex with her, we just had fun. Oh and she’s one of the most beautiful women I’ve ever been around.”
I had to think about it a day later when I was ABOUT TO SEND HER A FUNNY NOTE on LinkedIN (my favorite dating network). What did I want from her? Why was I willing to sit next to her in amazement, if there was no chance, and very little willingness on her part to schedule something. Why was I flagellating myself against a person who could not, or would not, give anything in return?
And then we come to my ex-y. At some point that was the question I had to ask. She’s not going to change into a warm, huggy, sexualized person.
Like trying to fix the alcoholic, it was not going to happen by anything I could do. I could ask and ask and ask, but if there was zero affection coming back, my asking would become less frequent and more painful.
So I was no longer willing to flagellate myself to the mother of my children. Why would I put up with the touch-less date, the pointless courting?
We’ve been through this before. It feels familiar some how. That DOES NOT MAKE IT RIGHT.
I’m done with being addicted to “longing.” I want joining as my goal. If the person is not available… Why am I wasting my time? A counselor once told me, “You do longing very well. But it’s okay to get some of those needs met.”
Sincerely,
The Off Parent
< back to On Dating Again index
Related Posts:
- Dating Time Out: Swiping Left or Right is Wearing Me Out
- Gentle Catch and Release
- Unadulterated Love: What Is Joyful Sex?
- Reversing the Flow: Putting Women in Charge of Courtship
Resources:
- The Divorce Library (reading list)
- Songs of Divorce (free listening library – youtube sourced songs)
- Laugh It Off (building a resource library of funny videos and other diversions)
- Facebook (follow us on Facebook and keep up with all the conversations)
- The 5 Love Languages (a book on love styles by Gary Chapman)
Racing Into Love & Right Through the Exit: How Did We Get To the End Again So Quickly?
Confession: I’ve had ONE relationship post-divorce. It lasted about 12 days. It was hot. It was frustrating. It freed me once and for all from the depressed imaginings that I was never going to be with another cute, sexy, happy, lover. It clipped the strings holding me to the fantasy of reconnection with my ex-y. (I know, ever after all this, I was still holding a torch of some sort.)
But I now imagine that my connection was more like an addiction. The last good thing I ever had, the last love I’d made in 14+ years, and she was still so close and we still had so many ties. And wouldn’t it be cool to date again. I still think she’s hot. (Fk, I didn’t mean to let that out.)
But the woman who waltzed in and crafted her way upstairs into my bed after a couple of dates and a few more beers, was a treat. Like a flavor of ice cream I’ve never tasted. Smart: check. Sexy: check. Happy: check-minus. Well-balanced: um… let me explain.
I have learned in my online date sampling, that I am more interested in a woman’s intellectual capacity than her dress size. I will admit to liking dark hair over blonde, but that’s a minor distraction and not a prejudice. Okay, so in comes this new woman, smart, sassy, driving a Mini Cooper and listening to cool music. She even breached the sex idea on day two when I suggested she come over to my house and do her “work” here.
“We’d probably just jump into the sack,” she said.
BINGO! The perfect flirt. I was hooked. And later on that night in the bar, she said, “The sexual tension is high. We should probably go before it gets too late.”
“Wanna come back to my place? I’ll drive. We can leave your car here.”
“Okay.”
So there I was… “back in the saddle” so to speak. We covered ground like birth control, testing for STDs and that neither of us were that into anal sex. It became the joke, “as long as you’re not talking about anal sex, we’re good.” She was fluid and fluent with her words. She knew what she was doing. And she obviously LOVED SEX. Hallelujah. It truly was a rebirth. (I did really need a resurrection of sorts.)
She gave it to me in spades. She was able to joke about the sex. Telling me she was going to be sore. And the next day telling me she was having trouble walking. (Grin.) My ego was completely stroked.
All clear at this point. And then we hit our first snag: TV.
Continues: The Woman Who Slept With Pitbulls
Sincerely,
The Off Parent
< back to On Dating Again index
related posts:
- The Happy, the Fit, and the Beautiful
- My Casual Sex Experience – First Lesson
- Crossfit Sex
- An Early Frost: Dating Options and Casual Sex
resources:
- The Divorce Library (reading list)
- Songs of Divorce (free listening library – youtube sourced songs)
- Laugh It Off (building a resource library of funny videos and other diversions)
- Facebook (follow us on Facebook and keep up with all the conversations)
- The 5 Love Languages (a book on love styles by Gary Chapman)
Ferris Bueller Gets a Divorce – My Dad’s Divorce Blog – The Movie
My Dad’s Divorce Blog ™, a major motion picture in development. (Today I found a link to the original shooting script from Ferris Bueller’s Day Off.)
I kid. But I imagine it would make quite a screenplay.
The pitch: “Ferris Bueller gets a divorce.”
+++
Staring as DAD, Matthew Broderick.
see the Ferris Beuller reprise commercial from Honda.
+++
And his beautiful ex-y, Sarah Jessica Parker (uh, sure, she’s actually married to the guy above – similarities to ex-y acknowledged)
+++
The ice breaker Felicia Day
wait… maybe Suzanne Vega would be better
click for “If You Were In My Movie”
+++
The love interest Mary Louise Parker (I’ll admit I have a thing for dark hair.)
+++
Young Son is, of course, played by Justin Beiber.
+++
And Young Daughter is played by Zendaya Coleman from Disney’s Shake It Up, cause we’ve gotta have a Disney tie-in.
+++
The Med’s Doc in Suite 404 is played by Lawrence Fishburn.
“We’re going in without pills this time.”
+++
The Talky Doc is played by Johnny Depp.
“And how did that make you feel? Do you know what John Lennon said about his divorce/separation from Yoko? (pause) The separation didn’t work out.”
+++
Liberal, Progressive, Spiritual, mentor, and Methodist Minister is played by Nathan Fillion (the Firefly dude)
“There’s a dark forest, and a lot of sad feelings. Light a fire, or shoot your way out of it.”
+++
And then again, maybe the Dr. Horrible’s Sing-Along-Blog is the better format.
click to see dr. horrible in action
With this much fun, it’s bound to be a hit. Strippers, Online dating. Random sex. Recovery. Parenting. Ex-wives and ex-husbands. Now we just need someone to option the script. Takers?
+++
Sincerely,
The Off Parent
@theoffparent
Related Posts:
- I Want To Thank You for the Divorce
- Things Broken and Unsaid
- Evolving Single Dad: Failure to Hopefulness Again
- What I Need To Tell You: Take Heart. It Gets Better.
- Happy Mom Chat About How I Got Here: What I Figured Out
Resources:
- The Divorce Library (reading list)
- Songs of Divorce (free listening library – youtube sourced songs)
- Laugh It Off (building a resource library of funny videos and other diversions)
- Facebook (follow us on Facebook and keep up with all the conversations)
Anger is Energy – If You Don’t Thrash
A fish caught and out of the water on the grass has two options: 1. thrash: jump, struggle, flip, flop; or 2. breathe.
Eventually the fish will die if not returned to the water. But the fish has very little to do with its survival at that point. You might say it’s up to God, or the fisherman, which to the fish is sort of like God.
Anger today is a good thing. It reminds me I have feelings and energy. It reminds me that I still care about finding a better life for myself and my kids. My ex-y can find her own way.
But thrashing against the obstacles is a waste of energy that could be used elsewhere. And one of the greatest drains of that energy is anger at the ex-y. I guess she did the best she could. I mean, that’s how God would see it, right?
I tend to see things a bit differently with a little distance. BUT… anger at the choices and changes that have already happened, do little to inform or direct my efforts at moving forward. What anger can do is motivate my ass into gear. But I have to make sure I make use of that motivation in productive rather than destructive ways.
Even if she has requested changes or been mean and contradictory to me, that’s not my problem. That. Is. Who. She. Is.
And the anger I have around her behavior cannot be fed back into the system to change things. The more I wanted the marriage to work, the more I demanded for changes, the more I thrashed in some ways. I was not aware that she had already left the marriage. I was not clear that the death of her sexual drive was more about her than me. And while I did thrash against both the sexless marriage and the end of marriage, I was ultimately powerless to get myself back into the warm water of our early relationship.
So today, I am angry. A friend sent a picture of my daughter that he found on a random simcard. My beautiful life is there in hi-definition as I am lifting my smiling daughter into the air and kissing her belly. And there is a sliver of my ex-y’s face in the photo too. You could almost miss it.
And I was immediately sad, not mad. The imagined life, the dreams at that moment, frozen and captured in a moment of family joy. And the anger is about the betrayal of both my daughter and myself by that remote face with the beautiful smile and eyes closed.
She made the decision. She gave up. She walked into a lawyer’s office to get her “options.” And all of our lives are altered because of that decision. And the wonderful little girl in the picture now has a distant father. A father who is there as often and openly as possible. But I can feel the tug on her as she reaches for my hand in the car, walking to the grocery store, when she claims to have a stomach ache every Friday morning so maybe she won’t have to go to school and she can stay at my house.
But I could not change the trajectory once the new departure point was set in motion. I can, however, understand that I was not ever going to be able to change my ex-y into being the touchy-feely person I wanted her to be. She’s much more comfortable in the confines of an excel spreadsheet.
So when the warmth was sucked out of the marriage, there was very little left if I was not generating it. But for my little girl and my son, I can generate twice as much love and holding as before. I can show my daughter what a Dad is like that shows up and says, “I love you,” all the time. I can provide the reflection to my kids that they are loved. I can make them feel loved. I can still hold them in the air, metaphorically, and kiss their childish bellies.
I will not change. I will not let the bitterness or anger get in the way of me loving my kids with everything I’ve got.
AND… I will have an opportunity to share that with another woman at some point. I know it.
If I can just breathe and not thrash.
Sincerely,
The Off Parent
Resources:
- The Divorce Library (reading list)
- Songs of Divorce (free listening library – youtube sourced songs)
- Laugh It Off (building a resource library of funny videos and other diversions)
- Facebook (follow us on Facebook and keep up with all the conversations)
- The 5 Love Languages (a book on love styles by Gary Chapman)
Online Dating from the Other Side
So, what’s it like for women on online dating sites? I know what the man gets, but what about a fairly cute woman. What’s her experience?
So I thought, let’s find out.
I googled “average girl” and this was the first hit.
I’ve filled out about 20 questions, and filled in all the info on my bio. Fairly generic. No real material for the hungry male population to grip onto, except for the nice pic. And the HUNGER.
So let’s sit back and see who shows up, and what they show. And one thing you can be sure of, I won’t be setting up or taking any “dates.”
Sincerely,
The Off Parent
permalink: https://theoffparent.com/the-other-side/
Your New Matches: Online Dating and the Big Miss
How can you just tell by the name or the age of the person what your eHarmony “matches” are going to be like?
The under 37s are almost all going to seem too young. Or so hot that I’m going to be too old. And the odd names usually mean ethnic (not necessarily a bad thing).
And then the spammy craigslist stuff just gets to the details, blonde, great tits, petite. WHATEVER!
I am learning more and more, as I merely look around, that I am an everything man. I’m not looking for a type. I’m looking for a spark. And that spark can come from any hair color, any body type, and any name. But where it doesn’t come from, for the most part is ONLINE>>>.
Sincerely,
The Off Parent
< back to On Dating Again index
Resources:
- The Divorce Library (reading list)
- Songs of Divorce (free listening library – youtube sourced songs)
- Laugh It Off (building a resource library of funny videos and other diversions)
- Facebook (follow us on Facebook and keep up with all the conversations)
- The 5 Love Languages (a book on love styles by Gary Chapman)
Strike Two! The Could’a Should’a Would’a Online Date Clips My Wings
(This post continues the story started here: Stepping Back Into the Breach; Dating Again After Divorce)
Well, my online dating experience is getting longer… and I’ve had another near miss.
I can tell you exactly what happened. Same thing that happened with hottie number one. I came on too strong. My heart on my sleeve, my CD-R of my break-up CD, my quick note of excitement. “You need to slow your roll,” she said in her next email. I hadn’t heard the expression, but I knew what she meant.
She said, “We’ve been out on one date.”
I agreed. I recanted my note. I explained my inner dialogue away. But she didn’t buy it. “I’m sorry, I’m just a bit creeped out by it. Good luck in finding what you are looking for.” And like that I was jettisoned out with the last batch of near-miss online dates, I guess. It was new for me.
It’s complicated, this dating with kids thing. I was so sure this woman was a fit of some kind, but I moved in and set up camp without a permit. And probably I should not have shared it with her. Probably she googled it and found this site. Damn. But of course it’s my own fault. And perhaps I’m the dumb ass. Thinking this is okay.
Next time, no love letters, just a date. No facebook connection. No *smile* TXTs. Just a date. Thanks. Wanna do it again?
So, near miss, I’m sorry. You gave me what I needed. A serious case of the hopefulness. And what I gave you was some overbearing crap. Again, my loss. I was watching that cute video of you and reading over your email dismissal. I wanted to remember your smile. And as the impressions wore off, I reached again for something that was too raw, too fresh, too fragile, and mostly too presumptuous. And I can see how that paints me as too needy. Yep. Guilty. Back to the dating pool.
Sincerely,
The Off Parent
< back to On Dating Again index
Resources:
- The Divorce Library (reading list)
- Songs of Divorce (free listening library – youtube sourced songs)
- Laugh It Off (building a resource library of funny videos and other diversions)
- Facebook (follow us on Facebook and keep up with all the conversations)
- The 5 Love Languages (a book on love styles by Gary Chapman)
Stepping Back Into the Breach; Dating Again After Divorce
It’s not that I don’t like online dating, it’s actually that I don’t like dating. What with it’s unanswered questions about what’s next, where are we going, how long can I say here. I want to be past the dating thing, and back into the relating. And it’s not sex that I’m talking about specifically. It’s more the feeling you get when you are SEEN by someone. And then deemed as worthy and worthwhile of attention.
So the “date” last night started well and ended well. It was the first date in all six of mine, that I immediately felt at ease. I wasn’t trying to prove anything to her. I was trying to express myself and my pursuits, but she was way too familiar, in a good way. It was as if we had been friends in high school or something. An easy way the conversation flowed between us. All so heavy with promise.
And over three hours later she asked, “Well, are you ready to go home?”
“No,” I said.
She smiled.
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We were balancing the fact that she’s been divorced for 10 years and me not even 10 minutes, yet.
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We chatted for another 15 minutes or so and she said she actually did have to go home. Her kids would be waiting up for her. (Now that’s a new and funny concept.) And we walked easily across the parking lot as I grabbed a CD out of my car to share with her. And then she was gone. But not after both of us admitted out loud that we had a good time and looked forward to the next time. And she did something very cool.
“Did I give you my phone number?”
Not dating, but being friends, we plugged her number into my phone and I called her and learned her last name. And I was thrilled. I TXT’d her with a tease after I got home. I believe we were both smiling most of the night.
And that’s the point. We were both smiling. Sure things can get hard in a relationship, but when the spontaneous smiling ends the tenor of the situation changes. Okay, so we’re in the opening minutes of our relationship, whatever that will be, but I have to say, I am not afraid.
My divorce is supposed to be over in three weeks. But, “The relationship had been in trouble for a while.”
“Yes,” she agreed. “It’s never just over. I mean, I guess the person CAN just walk out, but something had to be going wrong for that to happen.”
We were balancing the fact that she’s been divorced for 10 years and me not even 10 minutes, yet. Sure, I know there will still be bumps on the roller coaster of being divorced and being a single parent. But somehow with her I was ready to be to the next stage, just hanging. I was sad to leave, but exhilarated to think about the next time. “Call me anytime, even if you just want to hang out,” she said.
The trajectory with kids is so much longer than we might have experienced without them. I mean, I don’t even have a place at the moment. So there’s really no where to go, to hang out. And next weekend I have MY kids. (Blessings!) And so the 15 miles between us might as well be light years. But it doesn’t feel that way.
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Not moving things forward in a hurry or anything, but I wanted her to know that the chemistry was very cool for me, at that very moment.
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What it feels like, is I’m not afraid to imagine what the WE might be. Even if it just means putting us on a couch watching a movie together. With her, I imagined this might happen. Whereas, when thinking about any of my other 5 dates, I don’t even really want to have coffee again.
“I think chemistry is very important,” I said. We were midway through our meal and I was beginning to explore into the “relationship” idea. Not moving things forward in a hurry or anything, but I wanted her to know that the chemistry was very cool for me, at that very moment. We both laughed and chatted about that for a minute. And about the oddness of online dating and why people our age sometimes seem like old people.
She was not an old person. And she was radiating in my attention. As she should be.
So with that, even for a week, I am — in theory — off the market, off eHarmony, off the matching of match.com. Because all that “dating” crap is really distracting when what you really want is a friend, not a date.
… story continues with Strike Two! The Could’a Should’a Would’a Online Date Clips My Wings
Sincerely,
The Off Parent
< back to On Dating Again index
related posts:
- Top 5 First Date Tips for Women
- Beyond the Rush of Love
- Our Sexual Brain and the Lies it Tells Us
- Sex Rules: The Frequency, the Fun, and the Fantasy
resources:
- The Divorce Library (reading list)
- Songs of Divorce (free listening library – youtube sourced songs)
- Laugh It Off (building a resource library of funny videos and other diversions)
- Facebook (follow us on Facebook and keep up with all the conversations)
- The 5 Love Languages (a book on love styles by Gary Chapman)
It Never Fails and Then Fails Completely: The Promise of the “Match”
So online dating is the way these days. That’s what I hear. It’s a pretty mixed bag in my experience. Here’s something that never fails to get a rise out of me.
“You have 3 new matches today. This could be the day!”
It’s like a pavlovian response… “What if…”
And like many fantasies, my hopes are dashed in the first few seconds after clicking on the link.
It’s not that she’s always unattractive. It’s not that she’s usually on the older side of my range. It’s not that I’m all that set in my definition of what I want. (I think I am appreciative of most types of women.) But it is usually something in the overall package that is an OFF and not an ON.
For some reason, that’s the only type of woman who initiates a match with me, before I make the first move. So that’s the way it is eh? Just like traditional old dating, the guy has to put it out there and the women get to respond with a thumbs up or thumbs down.
Okay, I really am fine with that. I have registered 33 winks TO WOMEN, and received 8 winks FROM WOMEN. And only one resulted in a date, which I then jumped the gun on. Oh well, off to wink and flirt in the online fishing pond. Not holding my breath.
Sincerely,
The Off Parent
< back to On Dating Again index
Resources:
- The Divorce Library (reading list)
- Songs of Divorce (free listening library – youtube sourced songs)
- Laugh It Off (building a resource library of funny videos and other diversions)
- Facebook (follow us on Facebook and keep up with all the conversations)
- The 5 Love Languages (a book on love styles by Gary Chapman)
My Online Dating Records
Even Match.com is having a hard time delivering my “daily 5.
I don’t know that it’s because I’m so difficult. Or that my geographic area is so small. (Perhaps I should open up my range to 30 or 50 miles.)
But eHarmony delivered exactly ONE match today. And she was so far off, that I’m not sure what’s wrong with my algorithm.
Here’s the bottom line:
I am not asking for much of a commitment inorder to meet. I’d like her to be uniquely attractive (as opposed to gorgeous). Sort of height-weight proportional. And around my age.
What I’m noticing is women my age (47) tend to look and sound A LOT OLDER. And women within 10 years younger tend to look and sound A LOT YOUNGER. So perhaps I’m not sure what I want. Somewhere in between. I’m okay if she’s younger as long as she has a good bit of her issues worked out and dealt with. And I’m okay if she’s older as long as she doesn’t fall into the “looks like my mom” category.
And then you have to consider the kids.
Of course dating a woman with kids is going to be a long ramp-up relationship. I mean I think mother’s have to protect their families in a more agressive way then men. Cause, frankly, men can be freaks and assholes. And I can see how my strong emotional outpouring freaked both of my two close matches off. I’m learning. And actually, my own reaction and excitements were self-revealing about my own current state of mind. I wasn’t am not ready for a LTR. (long-term relationship) But I am ready for STF. (short-term friends)
I guess re-upping my eHarmony account was a good idea. Cause if I can’t find her, she probably can’t find me either.
Sincerely,
The Off Parent
< back to On Dating Again index
Resources:
- The Divorce Library (reading list)
- Songs of Divorce (free listening library – youtube sourced songs)
- Laugh It Off (building a resource library of funny videos and other diversions)
- Facebook (follow us on Facebook and keep up with all the conversations)
- The 5 Love Languages (a book on love styles by Gary Chapman)
Dialing In My Ideals In a Woman: From Hippie to High Class
I was having coffee with a friend of mine at an upscale place last week and we both acknowledged several of the beautiful women who passed through while we were meeting.
“I really like Whole Foods Market for people watching,” I said.
“They’re too hippie for me,” he said.
Wow, it was a major difference that got me thinking. What was the criteria I was hoping for when hoping for my next female companion?
She probably shops at Whole Foods more than Costco.
She’s comfortable in flipflops and high heels and appreciates the difference.
She drives a foreign car built within the last 6 years.
She has kids.
She’s divorced.
She is naturally attractive, with or without makeup. Conscious of the aging process and happy to acknowledge the changes, not afraid of them.
And so today, as I was walking around Whole Foods I noticed a lot of women that caught my eye. (My sister was very much a hippie.) Much more so than the women moving through the fancy coffee bar. But one other recent statistic I heard about came to mind about income level. The gist was something about your income level is directly related to the closest 5 people around you. Meaning, you hang with people that make about the same amount of money.
With that, there is no telling what these whimsical organically-minded women are making, or the model of car they are driving. But, for me, they are starting with a core concept for me. They are more concerned with fair trade than the lowest possible price. They have some intentions around eating healthy and go to the trouble to make that happen. They tend towards essential oil fragrances over new scent from the latest designer at Nordstroms.
Sincerely,
The Off Parent
< back to On Dating Again index
Resources:
- The Divorce Library (reading list)
- Songs of Divorce (free listening library – youtube sourced songs)
- Laugh It Off (building a resource library of funny videos and other diversions)
- Facebook (follow us on Facebook and keep up with all the conversations)
- The 5 Love Languages (a book on love styles by Gary Chapman)
The Women of Mad Men: Pick Your Type
Can you define your desire in terms of a type? Is Joan your speed? Or Betty Draper? Perhaps the feisty and direct Peggy Olsen. (She looks a bit hotter here than in Mad Men don’t you think?)
Sometimes men try to identify themselves as breastmen, legmen, assmen.
I prefer to be an all-over-man. And now having come off a 12-year one woman man thing, I’m ready for a bit of anything. Legs, breasts, hot baths, ritas and queso. Mostly I’m into women. Having not had the scent of another woman for a long time, I’m a bit over-ripe. And that’s what’s juked my two near misses from online dating. So I’m looking into my own “projections.” I need to get further from my current divorce and into self-awareness.
But when she arrives, she’s in for a treat.
Sincerely,
The Off Parent
< back to On Dating Again index
Resources:
- The Divorce Library (reading list)
- Songs of Divorce (free listening library – youtube sourced songs)
- Laugh It Off (building a resource library of funny videos and other diversions)
- Facebook (follow us on Facebook and keep up with all the conversations)
- The 5 Love Languages (a book on love styles by Gary Chapman)
