Divorce, Single Parenting, Dating, Sex, & Self-Recovery

Posts tagged “looking for the one

Becoming the Frog Prince Rather Than Kissing Frogs

modern dating: kissing frogs

modern dating: kissing frogs

 

Ah, just another pretty face to confuse and delight me.

Learning About Attraction and Sexual Chemistry

I am learning that it’s a lot more than a beautiful body and pretty face that gets my motor running. In fact, all of that, absent some higher connection, still causes me to look elsewhere. Certainly, it’s the initial attraction, like shopping, that perks my interest, but it takes a lot more for me to want to continue the conversation.

I know how easily open and unstructured time becomes a requirement of satisfaction. That can prove difficult if you are looking to find the time to be *in relationship.* So I breathe and I know patience.

I am learning that my time alone is my most valuable resource. When I’m depressed this resource is a horror and not a benefit. But when my creative juices are firing on all cylinders, there is nothing better than finding my work completed by lunch and the yaw of the afternoon staring at me.

So I’ve taken my “dating” process to that same high level of assessment. If it’s just a “huh,” and not a “wow” there’s no real reason to continue the conversation.

I’ve been lonely before. And that’s a bitch. Then the absence of touch becomes like a painful skin condition. The ache for connection is so high, I believe, our standards of judgment go way down. This is the mode where people revert to porn, craigslist, or going out to get laid. I’ve never been in the market for the second two.

Froggy Went a’Courtin

In courting the “woman with potential” I am reminded how long it has been since she has been in a relationship. I know how easily open and unstructured time becomes a requirement of satisfaction. That can prove difficult if you are looking to find the time to be *in relationship.* So I breathe and I know patience.

Reflecting back, it’s been a year and a half since my first outing on OKCupid. And I’d have to say, that my ONE relationship since the divorce was due to OKC. Two of my additional liaisons happened via Facebook. But nothing has satisfied my search. And that’s okay.

I was sitting in this same organic grocery store awaiting the arrival of my first OKC date, and I was observing my own likes and dislikes as I watched the throng of women coming in. I didn’t know much about this woman I was meeting, it was one of the early accelerated meetings where the moment outweighs the thinking. I was noticing about 25% of the women entering the store were within my range of acceptable beauty. I was actually kind of happy about that number, noticing that I had a wide range of preferences.

How Can I Retain My Happines *In* a Relationship

Today, I wondered out loud, “Maybe my most creative and happy state is in this revved-up energy of pursuit. Maybe I’m the best version of myself when I am alone!”

The longing and heartbreak and open-ended afternoons, lend themselves quite well to my artistic production. At this moment I am writing songs, poems, stories and feeling more rested and energized than at any time in my life. I am actualized, right now. And still, I am alone.

I’m hoping that the untethered state is not a condition of my happiness and poetic prowess. Certainly, I am in the wooing mode. I am trying to become more attractive. I am trying hard to become a frog prince.

Sincerely,

The Off Parent

*this post was written in 2013

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The Ballet Dancer and the Buddha – Do We Have a Disconnect?

fit or fat or just right?I am not happiest when I am going through a fat period, but it happens. Sometimes fatter than others. I guess it’s common for a lot of folks. Maybe the balance between our bodies, work, and spirit are an interrelated display of how in-balance we are in our lives. But if the disconnect begins to happen between someone’s body and how it feels to be in it, bad things can happen. I know, I’ve been there.

I’d say I’m not obsessed with the skinny-fit abs on a woman. I guess I’d better hope she’s not obsessed with my abs either. (grin)

That said, I had the opportunity to crush up against that imagined flexibility quite recently. My ex-y is a very fit and finely tuned woman. And if I were to describe my first wife, I’d say she is still as hot as she was when I met her, petite, wiry and fiery. So in my two core relationships I’d say I’ve leaned towards the lean.

And last week I had an opportunity to explore my proclivity for the athletic body type. A wonderfully fun and witty woman showed up in my life. And before we’d even met in person, I could see from her Facebook pictures that she was of a different body type then I was trained to crave.

[I recall when I first started dating my ex-y, telling a friend, “She’s kind of a big girl.” I was speaking primarily of height, but she was stout compared to my wispy first wife. “That’s the way I love’m,” my friend said. And I too became familiar and fond of the woman who could match me toe to toe in a balance of strength and femininity.]

And so I prompted my mind before we met, about this woman’s body type being a bit more in line with my current shape.

What if I’m not into that? I wondered. What if the woman [the women] I’m really after are after someone fitter than me? Makes sense.

Well, I’m after the fitter me too. And I’m more in touch with the feeling of being out of balance with my body today than I have ever been. I am aware of my minor Buddha belly, and I am in motion to make things different again. However, until then… What am I saying about that woman that may just be my own dorky inexperience?

Can the Buddha in me love the Buddha girl, or does my craving for the ballet dancer override my intellectual attraction?

And how’s it worked out so far with these amazingly beautiful women?

I had a theory when I was younger that you had the triad of Spirit – Mind – Body. And, in my understanding, I could only focus on two of the three. And it was clear I had chosen Spirit and Mind. It’s not that I’ve not had very fit periods in my life, I have. And it’s not like I’m massively obese, I’m not. In fact my waistline is 8 inches bigger than it was at my peak fitness moment, sophomore in high school, swimming team. So I’m not off the map of myself. But I am a bit out side the comfort limits.

Today I’m much more aware of what’s happening with my body. I have more time alone to discuss things with myself. I have this relationship pause to self-assess what happened before and what I want to happen next. And I am fascinated by several of the most beautiful women I have ever been around. And while I desire them both, I am clear that they are not who I want to be with. I wonder if that is not my same self-deluded radar showing them as out of bounds, or damaged in some way.

Both my marriages ended in some pretty serious sexual dysfunction.

Marriage one brought her sexual abuse past out of the closet after we’d been married about a year. And the skeleton never returned to the closet, or left the side of the bed when we were making love.

Marriage two was more complicated. There was nothing wrong with my ex-y’s sexual functioning. At least not in the beginning. We had the most fulfilling and full sex lives of anything I’d ever experienced. But at some point she began closing something off from me. She began protecting and guarding some inner part of herself. And when that starts happening, it’s not long before the person would rather not more than rather. So as she withdrew further into her protected self, she had less willingness to open up to me. Even a casual quickie became something we had to map and schedule and detail. And after a while, even my desires began to be re-channeled.

So today, am I a Buddha in search of a ballet dancer? Or am I an athlete in a Buddha phase still looking to return to a less Buddha-like time? And would I be willing to be with the Buddha girl? Is my taste for ab candy as much a habit of experience or cultural imagery? These questions I don’t know.

But an illuminating moment comes when I think about the two “most beautiful women in the world” that I have been hanging with. Would I do almost anything to have another amazingly hot woman in relationship? And would I over look her potential red flag warnings while examining her musculature? I don’t know. I have in the past. But I’m trying to do better this next time.

And I guess the most important part of this entire process that is becoming more clear is my need to love myself. I am going through a fat period. That’s okay. [One of my friends was talking about my need to get in shape before I could find the woman I wanted to be with. “Dude, if she can’t appreciate you for exactly who you are, fk her. You’re not a different person when you’re in better shape. If that’s what she’s all into, she’s not the one.”]

So, I know, we project The One. There is no ONE out there. But am I willing to miss all the Buddha girls out there, just because I think I’m only attracted to the ballet dancer?

Good question.

Sincerely,

The Off Parent

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