Divorce, Single Parenting, Dating, Sex, & Self-Recovery

Posts tagged “what she wants

On The Planet of Over Thinking: Sublimating Desire

learning in relationshipsIt was a moment of frustration for her. I could see her facial expression even though I was driving. “What do you mean when you keep saying ‘over thinking?’ It sounds a bit like a criticism.”

This time we were not discussing the theory of adult relationships, we were talking about the concept of a mastermind group. (No relationship to the cultish pay-to-play Mastermind(tm) process.) In this concept I was sharing with her about how getting a couple “cherry picked” people together for mutual sharing and accountability can have a great effect on your growth. She loved the idea.

But immediately something changed in her version. And I found myself trying to offer different approaches and kept coming back to exactly what worked for HER.

Aside: Walking this morning Aimme Mann sang a line that really seemed to resonate with me. “I know love doesn’t change anything at all. I know love doesn’t change a thing.” And this line seemed to speak to something I was feeling about this “mastermind” encounter.

“Because kissing or sex leads to more time.” She said. “The desire for more time. And I guess I’m just not there yet.”

What I kept saying to her was, “The character of the group will define the goals and cadence. It’s fine to set up your goals and expectations, but each individual will come to the first meeting with their own ideas and needs.”

Some how she didn’t want to hear that.

“But Sunday is the only day that would work for me,” she said.

“That’s fine. And I do think you need to get your expectations and goals in place, but I don’t think you need to over think it.”


“What do you mean by that?”

And here’s the way Aimee Mann’s line struck me this morning, as I was reflecting on my explanation.

“Well, you can do your part to get your plans and desires in place. That is necessary for you to even want to attempt setting up the group. BUT, the group will be redefined by the people who show up. Each of them will have expectations and needs as well. I was saying to get your needs and ask in order, but then be open to the asks and needs of the group you assemble. Because everyone brings their own issues and ideas to the group.”

Somehow I felt like I was defending my position. Or defending the idea of “over thinking.” But that’s not what it felt like. In reflection today, what it felt like, is I was encountering an inflexible approach to relationships. She has a concept of how this mastermind group can serve her, and how it would fit into HER needs.


Perhaps that’s where I am with her. Seeing how I fit into her needs. If it’s Saturday that I can be worked in, if that’s all she has available, well, who am I to argue with that. I did use the word over thinking in our conversation the night before as we were comparing relationship notes.

In over thinking the idea of being in a relationship, I am beginning to understand a bit more about how this woman likes to control her life. If it fits for HER then it can happen. And at this moment, she’s not sure.

Sometimes you need to let go of the plans and strategies and just kiss. Or in the terms of the mastermind process, just convene the best group of people you can manage and see what happens. THE GROUP will have a dynamic and need of its own. As a relationship between two people is more dependant on the two people that show up and the MIX or FLEXIBILITY of those people, more than the PLAN or FIT in a schedule.

I seem to have been doing a lot of explaining, and sublimating desire to say how patient I am. And all we’re talking about is kissing. Sure, it’s the gateway to everything else, but it IS A BIT MESSY. There’s no plan or strategy that will explain or prepare you for the kiss. As there is no containing the flow of feelings when sexual passion gets ignited.

But if there’s a control plan that won’t let anything move forward without further investigation, well, maybe the problem is the investigation. In over thinking the idea of being in a relationship, I am beginning to understand a bit more about how this woman likes to control her life. If it fits for HER then it can happen. And at this moment, she’s not sure.

But it’s not just HER agenda that needs to be served.

I was trying in my subtle ways to say, hey a kiss is just a kiss. Let’s try it. See what happens. But she was having none of it. And she said something at the breakfast table about what she WAS looking for.

“Because kissing or sex leads to more time. The desire for more time. And I guess I’m just not there yet.”

Oh, maybe after the “400 dates“, or maybe not.

Um, maybe not. (Hello OKCupid.)


The Off Parent

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And here’s the Aimee Mann song with the line about love doesn’t change a thing – Phoenix


And another song about arriving at 31 as a woman, still trying to figure out life – 31 Today

caught some guy I knew
had a drink or two
and we fumbled as the day grew dark
i pretended that I felt a spark…

The Feeling of Falling In Love: Your Online Dating Proposal

The feeling of falling in love

Here is my opening statement on a dating site out there on the interwebz. I am trying to express who I am and what I am looking for, in enticing and precise language.


I open this site with hope and a slight tingle of excitement? “Someone’s out there!”

A feeling I want to have is that of exhilaration. You cannot plan on or calculate the rush of a connection. But I am learning, as well, is that you can’t force it. When it happens we won’t have to think about it. Our mouths will simply form the words, “So what’s next?”

A little story. So I went on a first meeting date today. And things seemed to go well. Afterwards I txted this little metaphor. “Two dogs meet in a park. Either both dogs tails are wagging. Or one dog’s tail is wagging. Or neither dog’s tail is wagging. Simple mammalian mechanics. I was wagging.” Do you think that’s too strong? Well, she didn’t txt back. At least not in the 4.5 hours since lunch. No worries. I just wanted to cut to the chase, so to speak, so neither of us needed to wonder or WAIT WAIT WAIT the proper amount of time to respond. (Wasn’t an online date, so she’s not here.)

Let’s not be to precious about this “online” thing. I’d like to talk and meet not txt and chat. Don’t you think? Let’s be fearless in conversation, active in imagination, and warm in heart. Our conversations can be boundless or quiet, challenging or soothing.

Let’s grab coffee somewhere. It can just be a flyby “hello.” Dating comes after we’ve met and both say, “Hm… That’s something I’m interested in doing again.” Then we can walk, play tennis, swim, see a band, have a cup of coffee or glass of wine and see where the chemistry leads us.


That’s how I put forward myself in the online world. What do you think?

In my 50’s now for two months, I’m clear that we don’t have unlimited time on this planet. And putting up with someone’s bad behavior is not part of my plans. I did that when I was married. This time, this relationship, I’m looking for compatibility first. And my dating male friend says, “I notice how much laughter there is when we meet.”

“Yes. We should have fun right off the bat. Unforced. Easy.”

“Right,” he said. “But, I’m talking about *me* laughing. Is she making me laugh?”

Wow. Another indication I may be working it too hard, when I’m trying to be too charming, too funny, too intimate.

I WANT to be relaxed. Let the next LOVE relationship come to me. I’m working the online angle, but I’m NOT going to be working so hard to fix that compatibility. When it happens I hope it will sweep me off my feet and out of my head. (With one caveat: I will not compromise my two main requirements: 1. expresses and feels deep emotions; 2. is comfortable expressing her affection physically.)

It’s going to happen. Patience in the dating realm is hard. We want it NOW. We dont’ want to be alone any more. We can almost taste it. But if we try to hard we might manufacture an illusion of love, but we will miss the listening and responding to the other person’s queues.

I want her to make ME laugh. Yes, that’s a great meter.

The feeling of falling in love will surprise and amaze me, again. I know it.

And OKCupid asks the question like this.

What do you think about falling in love?

  • “I want it very much.”
  • “I like to let it happen.”
  • “What is love?”
  • “Love is overrated.”

Select the answer that most closely describes you.


The Off Parent

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