Divorce, Single Parenting, Dating, Sex, & Self-Recovery

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More Sexual Signals, Online Dating Thoughts & Self-Observations

google beauty - resultsOkay, I’m starting to dig a bit deeper into what “attractive” means to me. And even observing men as HOT or NOT and trying to understand even my own scale of what’s important or not. (No, I’m not considering a sexual re-orientation, but merely noticing what I think women might be noticing.)

My own self-image is somewhat mixed, and perhaps it’s time for a hard look at what the disconnect was with my most recent heightened-and-potential partner. (see The Taste of Tail Feathers Again)

First and foremost, even in my own self-assessment, there is a lot more than the physical body in determining my desire and desirability. Let me see if I can distill the non-physical attractions–FOR ME.

1. Enthusiasm – Energy
If you act your age, we’re probably not a good fit. Sure AGE is just a number, but I can count on one had the people I graduated from high school with who still share the same joie de vivre as I do. It’s not about getting older. It’s about giving up on the dreams and goals of becoming a rockstar, perhaps, or a rocket scientist. Bring the energy and joy and I will not even notice wrinkling and other signs of our age.

2. Positivism
I loved being asked by a potential partner, this summer, “Are you always this positive?” If you’ve got anger issues or cynicism you might work on that before working the dating scene. Unless you’re happy with that approach to life. I think we’ve got our own path in life, and regardless of the challenges and setbacks, we either grow and move forward or we give up. Don’t give up. You’re attitude, even about your ex, colors your life. Make sure you’re the one that exemplifies positivism.

3. Joy
A smile can set a thousand armies into battle, the same goes for hearts. You need to find your smile and share it. And this is partially physical, but it’s not about teeth. (Of course, if you have teeth problems, you might have those checked out. OK Cupid’s survey on immediate touch points for both men and women when evaluating the attractiveness of the other sex was TEETH. What? I know.)

4. Self-confidence
Whatever your shape or attractiveness, you need to deal with it and LOVE IT. If you don’t love yourself (YES, just as you are right now, not 20 lbs lighter) that dissonance is going to come through. Even in online profiles you can tell the people who are not prepared to stand in a bright room and take their clothes off. Even with 20 lbs I’d like to lose, I’ve got an OKAY vibe about myself. And maybe that’s a problem as I reach for someone at a much higher fitness level, or maybe it’s not.

Folks will date UP, or reach for a higher category, but won’t often reach down to a lower level of fitness.

Now let’s check in with the physical attractiveness for a second. What are the signals that I look for in a woman? What’s intangible? What’s negotiable? What’s a deal killer?

Let’s start with fitness and thinness, as this seems to be an obsession. (And I’m not claiming to be immune to the mass marketing of ultra-thin beauty.) [Of course, the rest of the story here, and in our thin-obsessed media, is that thin is NOT healthy. Ultra-thin, even less so. Many of the things, besides Photoshop, those women go through to look like that, even with Photoshop. It’s unhealthy.] Let’s look at OKCupid’s fitness classes.

  • Rather not say
  • Thin
  • Overweight
  • Skinny
  • Average
  • Fit
  • Athletic
  • Jacked
  • A little extra
  • Curvy
  • Full-figured
  • Used up

Wow, that’s quite a range. I wonder what the difference between Thin and Skinny is? Or Fit vs Athletic? So let’s do a little test. Where would you place yourself? First: honestly where do you fall? Second: what are you going to use on your profile? Third: do you have aspirations to a different category all together?

I’ll go. First: Overweight (or A little extra, but I’m going with Overweight); Second: on my profile, my sales pitch, Athletic (I do have a football player build, have always, since I was a kid.); Third: where I’d like to be FIT. And for me that means getting a clearer view of my abs, and not just when I’m sucking in my gut. And actually, I’d rather not have to suck in my gut anyway.

So, here’s an observation I’m noticing. Folks will date UP, or reach for a higher category then they believe themselves to be, but won’t often reach down to someone in a very different attractiveness category, or in this case, level of fitness.

But for me, that’s only part of the answer. For me it’s a ratio thing, when it comes to fitness and body type. I will admit to be enamored by the ultra-thin. But I’m not so sure this is who I will end up with. In fact, I don’t believe the ultra-thin are into the athletic-build. They probably like ultra-thin guys.  I don’t know what this is about. I’m not all that into six-pack abs on a woman, but I don’t mind a bit of definition on the belly. But I do actually like a belly. My wife was most attractive to me after she had our kids and was a bit more curvy. I’m sure there would’ve been a limit to my flexibility if she had grown into a new category, but she didn’t.

Of course, then comes the real work of scoping out compatibility. I haven’t even gotten to start on that yet. All this stuff I’ve been writing… It’s mostly theoretical.

And that opens the discussion about what is MY real category. In my mind, with all my positivism and self-confidence engaged I am easily “a few extra pounds” but in REALITY, I’m Overweight. ACK. That sucks. And perhaps when I court the affection of a “thin” or “fit” woman I’m simply asking them to leap down a category or TWO to join my loving heart and brilliant mind. And that might be a stretch. But my limits aren’t that rigid. At least I don’t think they are. Maybe they are.

Let’s gather a few more data points. When seeing a woman from a distance (say a few aisles away in the grocery store) my animal brain begins to do some rudimentary calculations. And here’s how I think it goes. 1. Ratio: is something way out of proportion? 2. Hair style, color. 3. Clothing style, colors, type of clothes.

Then as we get closer the smile and facial beauty take over. But from a distance, MY range is pretty wide. At least that’s how I perceive it. Sitting just inside a Whole Foods about 65% of the women, in this distant assessment, would meet up with my criteria of attractive. (Again, this is more animal and hardwired, than actually evaluation.) BUT then, as we get closer and I begin to scan smiles, eyes, skin color, and overall radiance, my WOW rating drops to about 20%. From there all but 5% would fall into the ASPIRATIONAL rather than RATIONAL category. Oh, so we’re talking 5% of 65%. That’s a low number. (Something like 3 women out of a hundred.) And this is Whole Foods, after all, where the beautiful people hang out. And again, this is just attractiveness.

One of the things I’ve learned from online dating, is to recognize my signals more easily. It’s a bit like house shopping online. You need the curb appeal first before even starting to look at the details. Same with online dating profiles. If someone’s picture is odd, or obscure, or sad, it’s easy to click the hide button. A good portion of my time on OKC is spent hiding the definite NOs. At this point, what’s the risk. The problem with online dating is there are too many people to weed through. Too many houses with keystone windows or Tuscan architecture, neither of which are in my taste range.

Of course, then comes the real work of scoping out compatibility. I haven’t even gotten to start on that yet. All this stuff I’ve been writing… It’s mostly theoretical. I’m ready for the 0.35% woman to come and burn my maps. Within reason, mind you. I’ve learned what torching your plans for infatuation and physical beauty can get you. Two beautiful kids, maybe, but into trouble after that.

Sincerely,

The Off Parent

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image: screengrab after Googling “beauty”

November 13, 2013 | Categories: dating, desire, kissing, online dating, sex | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave A Comment »

The Taste of Tail Feathers Again – The Online Dating Breakdown

Oh online dating, I hate you.

I’m not sure if I have an accurate picture of myself or my desired match. I mean, most times I think I have a pretty good handle on it. And then someone comes along and resets the markers and my own understanding has to be reevaluated. But I am learning, I think. Let’s recount a recent “Oh yeah” for me that seemingly has become a near miss.

First me. Let’s see. I think I’ve set out my parameters pretty well. And the fact that she connected with me through my other 100% positive parenting blog, and through my post on what a single dad wants in his next relationship, well, let’s just say my best foot was forward on the mechanics of dating. (But I still have really had only one post-divorce experience, so far, so I realize I don’t have all that much actual information.)

And after she requested a “friend” on Facebook, citing mutual friends (25) and at least something that she must’ve seen in my public profile, we jumped into a fun banter. So she wrote a nice, “Hey we should be friends since we’re…” And it was a wonderful jolt to wake up on Dia de Los Muertos with a very attractive princess (Halloween costume) saying she’d read my single-dad post and wanted to be friends.

Of course, I accepted the friend request. And then the romantic madness ensued. (Mostly driven by me, but that’s okay, writing is what I do.)

Letting the banter run wild we chatted on FB over the course of the entire day. And things, on my end, could not have gone better. The more we chatted the more we seemed to have things in common. A quick wit and quick qwerty-fingers. It was a thrill. Like a first date. Almost. From her side, she said very encouraging things. And at one point asked, “Even if we hate each other once we meet, can we still be friends on Facebook, I would hate to lose this banter.”

She got it. But… She was also getting it. Somewhere along this path, I was letting my heart get involved. Even knowing the romance was pure fantasy, what a thrill to find a mutual attraction of the minds that seemed to expand and continue over the course of an entire day. And even after negotiating a Saturday afternoon meetup, I was hungry for her. Uh oh.

But I have learned a bit about this before. So I did my thing. I read. Wrote. And social media-ed. And since I had my kids that night, I didn’t have too much time to dig into her profile before taking my kids to breakfast in the morning and delivering them to their mom’s house and it was off to the “coffee date,” meet up, first face-to-face encounter. I kept my calm about me. Sat by the front of the cool coffee shop and waited.

Now, here’s where I’m going to reveal some of my vulnerabilities. She came in and said “Hi.” We did a simple hug. And she was going to order something to drink. In that first few moments, watching her at the counter ordering coffee, I observed myself taking her all in. Jeans and comfy shoes, very nice lines, well within my happy zone. I was struck by how easily I qualified her by her appearance. I liked the look of her right away.

And when she came to the table, and we chatted for two hours, I was no less intrigued and fascinated. Again I was trying to observe my reactions in a more objective way. She had amazing eyes of blue, something I noticed immediately in her photographs. And a wicked smile, that I kept sort of staring at, imagining, going there. (Oops.) And her shirt and the shape of her neck as it entered the simple thermal shirt. Yep, my brain said, she’s in.

And while I was trying to show my most charming side, I’m not sure I was getting the pickup or resonance I was hoping for. I am still not sure, but I could almost feel her first scan when I stood up to greet her. Again, I’m making this up, but I felt like she took me in from running shoes to shorts, to black t-shirt and then to my smile, all in the course of 30 seconds. And maybe that was all it took, maybe she was/is playing demure. But here’s what happened next…

We headed out to the cars, saying goodbye and such. And rather than the “what’s next” vibe, I got, “Well, I’d like to hear your song, sometime.”

It wasn’t the BINGO I was hoping for. And I am certain I was aglow. In reviewing my own behavior and expectations, I was at the top of my form. Maybe my form didn’t meet her expectations or projections from our Facebook romance. Maybe it’s as simple as that.

All systems go, all hearts and minds engaged, and you meet and nothing. (groan)

But, playing it cool, I wanted to make sure I was not over-thinking. I didn’t really have a roadmap for what it would look like if she were 100% aflame as well. But that’s what I was hoping for. I don’t think that’s what happened.

A couple of hours later I pinged her on Facebook just checking in.

“Just let me know, and do you want to get together tomorrow sometime?”

Her response took 3 hours and it was kind of obtuse. As if she didn’t understand what I was saying. A very different voice from the engaging romantic she had cooked up in my mind during our first 24-hours as FB friends. Okay, no worries, perhaps she’s being conservative. Perhaps she doesn’t know what to expect either.

I switched gears in my response the next day. “So do you get your son today or tomorrow?”

And this response was even more off. “Tomorrow, but I’m going to rest today.”

And this time, for the sake of clarity and brevity I went direct. “So… That’s kinda “meh”. Am I getting that right?”

She seemed to misunderstand. “Meh?”

“I was trying to get a read on if you were interested in getting together again. Perhaps I’m being dense. I enjoyed your company yesterday and would like to see you again if desire and time allows. No hurry.”

And here’s where the mystery begins and ends. “I would definitely really love to be friends and then see what goes from there.”

And I dropped the thread with an affirmation of this sentiment. But that’s not what I was looking for. The responses had become hours in return. When we were flirting the responses were fast and flighty. So…

I think the message was clear. At some very early moment in our meeting, I did not meet some parameter of hers. All that built up energy and romantic charge didn’t offset or live up to whatever she had hoped I would look like.

I went to the well on this one and asked GF #1 about it.

“So, in this current situation… I simply wait it out, right? Any signal from me would be over-reaching? Seems to weird not to say “hello” today, but I think she needs to feel like she’s in control. She initially reached out to me. If she was “meh” then she won’t. If she was “maybe” then she will. But I think I have responded to her favorable statement, and now I drop the line and let her run until she realizes she’s missing me in the same way she was missing someone before I ever showed up. Is that right? Would you feel pressured if your spark followed up too quickly?”

GF #1 said that her gut-read was cautious rather than “friend zone” but she liked the idea of letting her line run.

So that’s where I am. I’ll invite her to coffee today.

What I learned.

  1. I am a powerful romantic and do enjoy the flight of romance that can happen via online connections.
  2. I have pretty distinct evaluation criteria that can only be decided in-person.
  3. Too much pre-roll romance wastes a lot of energy if there’s not a match.
  4. My disappointment at feeling the match and not having it reciprocated, is still hard.
  5. Less fantasy, less striving, more walking and playing music.
  6. Move along.

Update: After finishing a nice long walk I had a few additional observations on my most recent fishing expedition. I got some jazz from the connection, generated two poems from it, and got to feel my heart get all big again. Nice. I also got a bit of a hangover when the resonance did not match what I was hoping for. And now… I’m waiting for her FB response? Um, no. That’s the miss. While I did offer coffee today, my guess is her response will be lukewarm. And unless I press the date, it probably won’t happen. Sad, but true. A waste of energy? Not really. A new learning? In theory, but we’ll see the next time a princess shows up at my door. Moving forward, onward, and upward. You’ve got to turn over a lot of rocks to find the diamond, I guess. And of the three YES-vibes, I got upon meeting a first date, this was the furthest I’d gone down the projection path, with all the mutual banter between us. Perhaps I should’ve focused more on my work that day, or the song that was trying to be born. Either way, I’m not unhappy with the results, just disappointed at yet one more grab and miss. But at least the promise of a YES is still out there.

A poem upon getting her hello on FB: arriving at any time (I shared this one with her,” a poem is a poem, you know.”)
A poem upon sensing the miss or possible caution: let’s pretend nothing sparked (I did not share this one, directly)

Sincerely,

The Off Parent
@theoffparent

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image: a random capture off the web

November 5, 2013 | Categories: dating, desire, happiness, kissing, love, online dating, poetry, self-care, sex | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , | 1 Comment »

A Little Sex Talk About Dating Divorced Moms

woman bathing suit

[This post was written as a response to a post on the Divorced Moms blog called Divorced Sex – Getting Back In the Game and for some reason my comment was never posted and my account seems to have been deleted… Hmmm. Is it something I said?]

Single Dad Seeking Divorced Moms.

We’re adults now. Sex is serious. If it’s not, and you run closer to Samantha from Sex in the City, the safety rules definitely apply.

Sex with an Ex. Um, I hope you’re talking about ex-BFs and not the ex-husband. If you really want to get some confusing reverberations going in your mind and body, sleeping with your recently divorced partner would be just about the best/worst way to do it. But I’m gonna skip this one, for me, the ex-wife is off limits even for fantasy. There is no amount of … I don’t really need to qualify this.

Online Dating: Is not really dating. It’s only dating when you finally meet in-person. Everything else, all the lead-up is romantic BS, more like poetry than real-life. And I’m as guilty as anyone of fueling engagement before ever setting eyes on the actual person. Nobody can really live up to those expectations you created in your mind. Online dating is really for meeting in-person. The “online” part is filled with false projections, both intentional and accidental.

Sexting? Is that even a thing? Really? Flirting via text goes right up there with online dating. Same filters apply. Everything else is porn. And porn has its place. It’s safe, quick, and easy. And one odd point stands out in your post, “how you’d feel if you were the spouse finding out about online indiscretions.” I’m thinking this is mixed up. Because if you’re divorced, you don’t have a spouse. And if you’re talking about sexting with a married man, you’ve got a whole additional layer of baggage that goes beyond the scope of your post. So let’s say Sexting = BS, behave accordingly. Porn = Have Fun, but it doesn’t really get us closer to sex, does it?

Casual Relationship Sex – Or “Third Date Sex.” Well, I don’t know about those milestones, but I do know the first time a woman wanted to spend the night at my house it was a bit a mind-warp. And it ended up being a three-month relationship. But I wasn’t ready for the sleepover for a while. And as far as third-date and IN, I’m not a big fan. I like the idea, occasionally, but I think way too much spiritual and emotional stuff gets stirred up for me to have “casual” sex with someone I’ve met within the week. And sure, first date sex sounds about as appealing as getting drunk and explaining why you did it, as in NOT.

We’re adults now. Sex is serious. If it’s not, and you run closer to Samantha from Sex in the City, the safety rules definitely apply. But I’d suggest you deal with the hunger and drive towards sex first, and wait until you meet a man who has some potential as a partner before rushing into bed.

That’s just me, of course, but I think we all need to be talking about sex more openly. It’s still hard to talk about, so thank you for providing the dialogue.

Sincerely,

The Off Parent
@theoffparent

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November 4, 2013 | Categories: dating, desire, kissing, online dating, sex, single parenting | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 1 Comment »

Dating Tips for Modern Adults: Texts, Facebook, Profiles, Phonecalls

dating tips for the modern adultIt’s a lot more complex trying to figure out relationships these days, then it was before I met my ex-y. Today things like Facebook and text messages go for communications. And the signals can come from all directions. You’ve got to be a communications savvy person, or get lost. Or refuse to go “online” for your romantic prospecting. But if you’re not willing to up your online game, you’re going to be at a disadvantage.

These days phone calls are almost archaic. The dates I’ve set up over the last three years have involved only a handful of phone calls. Some never progress off the initial dating site. Others will give you a phone number as a back up, but won’t ever respond to texts. And then others…

It’s easy to get swept up in the joy of messaging as well. I’ve had a number of startup relationships that were amazing in text and not-so-much in person. And that too, is one of the problems with online dating. There is a lot of intensity and fantasy you can give into before you ever look into the other person’s eyes. There’s even a question on OK Cupid’s massive question database, “Do you think you can fall in love without ever meeting someone in person?” Really?

Let’s pull that idea apart for a second.

  1. Photos are not very good indicators of what a person really looks like. If they are using really old photos they could be 50 lbs heavier in real life. (It’s happened to me three times, so far. You want to ask, “Um, that photo… When was that taken?”)
  2. Romantic articulation is not a good indicator of a chemistry match. It’s a good indicator of a romantic writer.
  3. The imagination can run wild with #1 and #2. The let down can be shocking.

I have a new strategy (as of my last online dating date, two nights ago) get the texts going. And then trade selfies. This has only snipped one escalating online flirtation, but it was immediate. There is very little manipulation you can do to a selfie in most circumstances. And you want to get the raw story before committing to a date.

And dates take time. They can be fun or uncomfortable. But they are distractions, at some point, if you keep finding yourself sitting across from “what was I thinking?” more than a few times. You need to refine your criteria a bit.

Here are a couple informal tips I’ve learned so far.

  1. If there’s only one photo – they are probably hiding something.
  2. Look at all the photos. There’s usually that one photo that’s a bit more real, less romantic, than the others. You can sometimes see through the mirage of great photography in that one photo. (I only learned this after the fact. I’d go out on a date and come back home and ask “what did I miss?”)
  3. If they don’t have kids, they’re never going to understand me and mine.
  4. Look for something magical. One thing that you can really get into about the person. (Not a pretty smile.) What they do or profess to love that you also love. See if you can tease a few more details about that “concept” in your conversations via txt, email, or whatever.
  5. Pretty smiles are amazing. But they are not a complete package.
  6. Go ahead and say what you’re looking for in a relationship on your profile. I have it out there. “I’m looking for extraordinary.” I don’t want a half-charged woman. I’m not low-power or low-maintenance. I want brilliance.
  7. Keep plenty of time to yourself. If you are going out on dates in order to not be alone, you might look at that. You’ve got to keep refining what you want love to do, building the relationship without yourself, BEFORE you get in another relationship. Your goal should be to build on those things, not just a sexy connection.

There are a lot of ways to communicate online. If you really like this person in initial conversations, but it’s hard finding the time to date, you can ask to be “friends” on Facebook. (Another source of great REAL photos.) And don’t discount Facebook as a potential dating pool as well. Much more touchy on Facebook, to seek dates, but when there is a connection it’s easy to get a feel for what this person is into by looking at their Facebook wall. I’m happy to share mine early. I’m not trying to hide who I am. My Facebook profile is 100% public.

And it’s quite okay for them to unfriend you when they decide you’re not a fit. Don’t be offended. It’s not about picking up more Facebook friends. It’s about trying to establish a communications system between the two of you.

And finally: DON’T DATE ON FACEBOOK. Sharing your “new boyfriend” is very embarrassing when you have to go back and delete all their pictures. And those “first Ikea purchase together” photos just seem sad when you’ve known the person for two weeks. Leave your Relationship Status on Facebook as “make selection.” Nobody needs to be trolling you for dating. And you don’t need to be broadcasting to them or anyone else when you go from “In Relationship with Sandy” to “It’s Complicated” to “Single.” It embarrasses your friends for you. Just don’t do it. (Unless you’re in your twenties, then perhaps, everyone is doing it. I don’t know much about that demographic.)

It’s wild enough out there. You need to get your communications strategy in place. And then if the other person has a different pace or different style you can figure out how to adjust.

Sincerely,

The Off Parent

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October 23, 2013 | Categories: dating, desire, kissing, online dating, sex | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave A Comment »

The Woman Who Slept With Pitbulls

She wasn’t the first woman I’d made love to, but she was the first woman who seemed to have potential. She appeared to have her act together, and I loved her petite body. (See the beginning of the story here: Racing Into Love & Right Through the Exit)

This woman had a thing for her two pit bulls. Things at my house, seemed fairly normal, the one dog and the cat were well-behaved. At her house, the dogs ran the show. And these were some muscular dogs.

I liked them. I learned more about pitbulls in the first few hours at her house than I’d ever known about pitbulls. But it was a bit weird when they took over the bed. Sure, I like it when my little terrier cuddles up beside me in the bed, but these dogs were her sleeping companions. And there was barely enough room to squeeze in with them. And if push came to shove, it was also clear who would be injured first.

The dogs were the first sign that things might not be right in my new little love fantasy. The next sign was when we disagreed about something and she flipped right out. I think the topic was TV or reading, is one better than the other. (See she had an unabashedly heavy addiction for reality television. I even added a blurb about “if you’re really into tv” to my online dating profile after this experience.) She expressed it this way, “You don’t know what you’re talking about.”

I was trying to say that reading was more engaging, might lead to more creative inspiration for the reader. She was simply furious. I’m not sure if she was mad that I was disagreeing with her, or if it was about her tv addiction, or maybe that her dogs really started liking me. At one point, as this first argument progressed she went upstairs in a huff. (Fury might be a better word for it.) And the male dog didn’t follow her. He stayed on the couch with his head on my lap. At one point she came down and got him.

Um… Red flag #1.

She proceeded to ratchet the argument up over the next hour or so, even though I was still trying to figure out what we were arguing about. And eventually, I left. We were planning on spending the weekend together, maybe that’s what was freaking her out, and this was a way to make sure that didn’t happen. After the anger that followed me out the door, we both needed some cooling off time. This was… say… weekend number two, mind you, pretty dang early in courtship to start blasting the other person.

We took a few days. Texted and emailed. And when Friday came around again, we made plans to have dinner. I was hopeful that the storm had passed. The email repairs, while mostly on my part, seemed to have settled things back into a cordial connection.

As dinner progressed things seemed to be a little tense, but workable. I was really interested in “relating” again after dinner. We were close to my house and perhaps…

She was talking about her grad school program and how much it was costing her trying to finish her degree. And then she said something that surprised me. “Yeah, those fucking research assistants and their grants.” I guess she was taking out a loan to get through school.

I paused. “Um, can I ask you a question?”

See already looked mad.

“So are you really angry that those people got grants. Or are you playing a sour grapes joke on me?” I thought she might have been making an odd joke. The tone of her statement was so exaggerated.

She froze and glared. I knew at that second, she had not been joking.

“I’m sorry. Did I just piss you off?”

She glared.

“I was thinking you were making a joke.”

“Do I look like I’m joking?”

Red flag #2. And we’re done.

She got into her car without really saying good-bye and unfriended me on Facebook about 15 minutes later. She also hid her profile from me on OK Cupid. Wow.

Beware the grad student who sleeps with pit bulls.

Sincerely,

The Off Parent

image via creative commons use – pampered pitbull

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October 23, 2013 | Categories: dating, desire, kissing, online dating, sex | Tags: , , , , , , , , , | 1 Comment »

Drifting Apart: The New Girl Becomes The Muse

Woman With Potential Becomes The MuseShe went from “woman with potential” to being one of the “women with potential” to being the remaining woman, and only woman I was seeing during my summer of Every Other Saturday Night. And then something changed.

She went up East for a summer break, like she does every year. Before she left, we had a nice date with a walk a movie and dinner. It was a tender and nice evening. Several times she said, “I’m really going to miss you.” It felt good to hear these things. And I affirmed my lonely August as well.

And she was gone. We exchanged a few pings on Facebook. I even got a “I miss you,” message about a week before she returned home. And while I looked forward to her return, I was already reassessing the state of affairs.

So, if a woman doesn’t have a history of long-term relationships, in fact has a history of zero relationships, what does that tell you?

She even said, early on, “Maybe I’m using my daughter as an excuse not to date.”

But she was an aspirational beauty to me. So I cuddled and didn’t ask for more than a hug and peck as I left each date. I kept saying to myself, “I’m happy. It’s enough. She’s amazing.” And I kept leaving, wishing I understood what might tip the tenor of our romance into something sexual. At least a good run of kissing. But it never happened. And I never pressed.

I really wanted to ask her, “Don’t you sometimes just crave sex? What do you do when you feel that way?”

She arrived home and let me know she was back a few days later via a Facebook message. I wrote, “I’d love to see you, soon.”

And nothing.

She let me know via another Facebook message a few days later, that her schedule was crazy, that she was working on deadline and would be heads down for the next week. I got the message. It was flex. I was flex. It was no big deal.

But that was the point. I’d already resolved the miss from my side of the equation. If someone dates you for three months and nothing is happening sexually, even kissing, then… well, that’s probably the way they like it. It’s not a must-have for them. Or they’ve figured out a way to do without, to be self-sufficient and self-satisfied.

But I wasn’t wired that way. I wanted, I would’ve wanted, the girlfriend who was returning from a three week vacation away, to WANT to see me. To make a moment and event available to get together. I could’ve made a date happen. But I was clear in my mind that the New Girl had transitioned into The Muse. She was beautiful. She was cuddly and wonderful to take to an art opening or a movie. But she wasn’t really interested in an intimate relationship.

Sincerely,

The Off Parent

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October 2, 2013 | Categories: dating, desire, kissing, sex | Tags: , , , , , , , , , | Leave A Comment »

Surprising Myself and Contradicting Everything All At Once

Sex on the first date - would you really?

Sex on the first date - would you really?I write most of these posts in the moment, as things are happening. And when I go back and read them, sometimes, I feel like I’m learning something. As if someone else wrote the posts, and I’m learning AGAIN how I feel about certain things.

THEN I have a complete reversal of my opinion. (I think that’s a common occurrence for any of us.) But when it involves something as essential as dating or sex, I’m surprised by my animal nature.

Example: Just yesterday I was writing about some of the more disappointing aspects of the movie Don Jon and this line, that I wrote, in today’s light, has a very different feel to me.

“Keeping your own sexual urges and satisfaction in hand (porn) can help you keep your dick in your pants at times when it might be easier just to go with the flow towards sex.” — Porn Addiction

So, here’s where it gets funny. On some days I feel very strongly about that statement. And my aversion to casual sex. And then a woman, last night, reaches out from OKCupid, and seems approachable. Let’s make that more clear.

OK CUPID question, would you sleep with someone on the first date?

Um, that’s me with the No. But that Yes sure is intriguing. Really? Do you think this is a tease? Or do you think I’ve found a cougar (she’s 8 years older than me, so perhaps I’m a catch)? I haven’t taken condoms with me to a date, ever. But I’m considering it, tonight. Why? What’s changed?

It’s been a long time. I don’t have any recent sexual contact, and maybe my body is craving touch. Probably more than sex. And this little hunger in my physical body is able to short-circuit my planning and stated intentions. What?

Now, imagining sex with this woman on the first date is a lot different than actually doing it. And from her pictures it’s hard to get a real idea of what she looks like. And of course chemistry is another thing all together. But a little bit of casual sex… Wow. Maybe it’s the change of the seasons, and I’m ready to be doing it again, soon.

Anyway, it’s amazing to see how animal we actually are. The day after professing my intention to hold out of the next ONE, I’m prepping and heading out to a date at a sophisticated club with an older woman who’s said YES to “first date sex.”

Exhilarating. And a bit confusing, until we realise, just how human/animal we actually are. And who says giving into the urge is a terrible thing. Last time, it yielded a three-month relationship that taught me more about relationships than I’d learned in my entire marriage. We are two adults. We can be honest. We can play the online dating games.

Let’s go see.

Update: It does seem absurd the notion, of sleeping with someone on a first date. I mean, how does that happen? I imagine you’d have to get pretty wasted. Not the case for me. Oh well, it was a fun flight of fancy.

Sincerely,

The Off Parent

Note: Image is from a video that went viral today:  Yeva Shiyanova | Imagine Dragons – Radioactive

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October 1, 2013 | Categories: dating, desire, kissing, sex | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave A Comment »

Porn Addiction and Men vs. Women (And a Don Jon Movie Review)

The cast of Don Jon and Porn Addiction Issues

Um… this might be difficult to write.

Let me start with a movie review about porn addiction.

Don Jon is a fairly lighthearted look at a young man’s struggle to move past his T&A porn addiction to try and find happiness in the real world with a real girl. And while it’s an impressive debut as writer and direct for Joseph Gordon-Levitt, the movie goes for a few to many stereotypes to be helpful. I’m guessing he was going for funny.

How can you make Scarlett Johansson into a gum-chewing bubble head with poor Bronx dialect, and make her distasteful… Wow. That was an interesting approach, but it takes the story into overall childish and unlikable characterizations. Along with Don Jon these are the couples you have seen in Wal-Mart who can’t keep their hands and lips off each other. (In fact, I saw this in an upper-class and expensive sports bar last night, there was no need to typecast these people until the looked like Grease parodies.)

All flaws aside, the issue is real and present, and I would guess, for the younger generation (raised with access to horrid porn of all sorts) much more of an issue.

Tony Danza, on the other hand, is perfect for the part. And maybe Mr. Gordon-Levitt is paying tribute to his heritage, I don’t know. But the low-class, blue-collar, chick-hunting mentalities of the boys, didn’t really require the “scene.” Again, it’s an artifice for telling the story and may be more related to Mr. GL’s target demographic than I know, but it came across as superficial, and it didn’t need to. Ms. Johansson is gaudy and awful. She’s still beautiful, but they make her out to me more “Married With Children Scarlett Johansson”  than “Lost In Translation Scarlett Johansson”.

And then we have the still beautiful Julianne Moore who plays the bereaved MILF who turns Jon around. While her points are well made, the movie goes off in this Harold and Maude thing, I was wondering if it was a tribute of sorts. Maybe she needed to be smoking all that pot to really dig into this superficial bartender. But their LOVE is a bit hard to fathom.

I’m all for the older woman showing the millennial male stallion a thing or two about love, but their chemistry is … Well, I just don’t believe it. I could see Danza being all over her, but of course, he’s got his son’s disease, gawking and drooling over woman, and playing the dumb football-obsessed dad. Again, maybe Mr. G-L, the director and writer, has other reasons for this stereotype, or maybe it was for laughs.

Anyway… I went to see this move, once I knew what it was about… Well, there’s no simple way around it. Because I like porn too.

The courageous move on Joseph Gordon-Levitt’s part was making this movie in the first place. All flaws aside, the issue is real and present, and I would guess, for the younger generation (raised with access to horrid porn of all sorts) much more of an issue.

The cast of Don Jon and Porn Addiction Issues

Here’s how it’s played out for me. My Don Jon story.

In the past, I have had periods where I watched and masturbated to porn daily. And what begins to happen, when you’re in one of these grooves, is the potential relationship with actual women becomes less important. So we can let ourselves go, get fat, not care much, because we have shockingly young and stunning whores on-screen 24-7, and now, mostly for free.

These days as a single dad, I occasionally glance at some porn. It’s not something that I’m ashamed of or proud of, it just is. I too was raised on porn, after finding a stack of Penthouse magazine’s in a cousin’s closet.

And as you get into it, you need more, you need variety, and you need excitement. Problem is, the rabbit hole of porn is endless. The filth you can quickly find yourself, experimenting with, is amazing and easy to find. STOP.

My first real repulsion from porn was when my daughter was born. This was about the time that women’s grooming habits went all bare. Suddenly I was blindingly aware of the connection between my daughter and her eventual future, and the younger and younger-looking porn stars who were having to do worse and worse things to get noticed in the porn industry. I rejected the entire process, threw away my DVD stash and swore off porn.

For awhile.

In the end, I don’t think porn is a bad thing. It’s more like alcohol. You can take a drink every now and then, and if everything’s fine, and you don’t go off on a bender each time, you’re probably okay. Porn is kind of like that. But porn IS MOST DEFINITELY A DRUG.

In the movie, Don Jon, the Esther character, asks the young man about his love of porn. And he admits to enjoying porn more than sex with real women. And that’s the beginning of the rub. (Sorry.)

The issue I have with porn today is, 90% of those women are in their early twenties and should be modeling with their clothes on. They are essentially a past I never had, and a future I don’t want at all. I won’t address the abusive porn and family issues that might have gotten these young women hooked on porn, but there they are. And they are NOTHING LIKE THE WOMEN I DESIRE. BUT… And here’s the big but, they are what I’ve been sold all my life as desirable.

Sex is everywhere. The insanity over Mylie Cyrus’s stunts and nudie video are all really just part of our culture. We’re pushing sex to the limits and trying to use it to make a buck selling hamburgers and cars. And of course, more porn.

These days as a single dad, I occasionally glance at some porn. It’s not something that I’m ashamed of or proud of, it just is. I too was raised on porn, after finding a stack of Penthouse magazine’s in a cousin’s closet. And since then I’ve worshiped the idea of being with a woman. And I love making love.

Well, we’ve all got a lot to learn about our personal relationship to sex and porn. And then we’ve got to graduate, as adults to real relationships with real women based on more than boobs and kisses.

AND as a single dad, I have fewer opportunities to be with women. See, I’ve never been the predator type, like the young boys in the movie. I’ve tried casual sex and it does nothing for me. That’s good to know about myself, but it makes the prospect of my next sexual encounter less certain. Today, that’s a good thing. I have made a choice to not move towards sex with a woman unless there’s some REAL connection with her. Kind of like Julianne Moore in the movie. She showed him what sex with someone you really cared about would be like.

I’ve always been that guy. I could worship Scarlett Johansson, and never look at another woman again. Maybe not the SJ in this movie, however, because it’s a whole lot more than just looks and bodies that make love.

Finally, in May of this year, I was sitting across from two different (much younger and without kids) women that I met on OKCupid. And both times, I bowed out of the third-date opportunity. (Often the time people would consider getting sexual.) After two dates with these fine young women, who were wonderful to look at and charming in their own way, I never pursued the next date.

One woman even texted me the next day, “I thought you were going to kiss me but you didn’t.”

She was cute. I’d had a margarita. We were sitting in my car before I let her out. And I could’ve. But I didn’t really want to.

When sex drives us, just like alcohol, we can find ourselves in some situations that may not be that healthy for us. Neither of these younger women were real candidates for being a girlfriend. So I didn’t lean over and kiss her. I didn’t want that obligation. And I really wasn’t interested. With the texting girl, it was our first date. I even had a follow-up date to see if I wanted, or she wanted, to kiss this time. Neither of us did.

Keeping your own sexual urges and satisfaction in hand (porn) can help you keep your dick in your pants at times when it might be easier just to go with the flow towards sex. If you find your only wanting to watch porn you might look into getting some help.

It’s not a bad thing, porn. There are some bad things about it. There are some good things about it. Everyone has their own relationship to porn. And the bombshell character in the movie, Barbara, has a real aversion to her boyfriend watching porn, EVER. And I’ve met these folks too. Perhaps their issues are more with their own emotional healing more than their boyfriend or girlfriend. Maybe not.

I sure would’ve liked this movie not to have hidden behind the false humor of the Italian bravado and Catholic church parodies, but it wasn’t my movie. Joseph Gordon-Levitt has brought porn into the light of day. Everyone has a relationship to it, it’s part of our lives. And if you think the covers of Cosmo and even Good Housekeeping aren’t selling with sex…

Well, we’ve all got a lot to learn about our personal relationship to sex and porn. And then we’ve got to graduate, as adults to real relationships with real women based on more than boobs and kisses. The time you spend in the bedroom, in a real relationship, is a very small portion of the time you spend in the relationship. You’d better make sure you’re really into the other parts of the person too.

Note: Oh, I almost forgot, I’m not addicted to porn, I was just inflaming the title of my post. I might, on the other hand, be addicted to women. One woman. I’m still looking, at the moment. (grin)

Sincerely,

John McElhenney – life coach austin texas
Facebook  | Instagram | Pinterest |  @theoffparent

As a certified life coach, I’ve been helping men and women find fulfilling relationships. If you’d like to chat for 30-minutes about your dating/relationship challenges, I always give the first 30-session away for free. LEARN ABOUT COACHING WITH JOHN. There are no obligations to continue. But I get excited every time I talk to someone new. I can offer new perspectives and experiences from my post-divorce dating journey. Most of all, I can offer hope.

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September 30, 2013 | Categories: dating, desire, kissing, online dating, self-care, sex | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 1 Comment »

Dating Part-time After Divorce: I Get It, It Is Hard To Make Time

dating after divorce - finding time

dating after divorce - finding time

I get it. It’s hard to find the time to date. Even when you have opportunities and willing partners, sometimes it’s just more of a hassle than going on your own. Let me share an example of my evening, tonight.

I’m invited to a cool house party for a musician friend who’s going to perform. And I sort of have two potential “dates” for the evening, but… I’m not calling either one. What? Hard to get closer, hard to find another lover, if we’re always going by ourselves. Let’s examine.

So in the slice of time that is available outside of being a single parent, and doing our work, there is some space for another person.

My first choice would be the second “woman with potential” who has been renamed “the muse.” After three months of courting, on all available “every other Saturday nights” we never even shared a sexual kiss. It’s okay. But having an aspirational relationship is one thing. Being in a relationship with someone who’s not that interested in going further, is another. And after her three-week vacation up East, she’s been too busy to get together. Best to let that sleeping muse rest quietly in her own world. She was happy and self-sufficient before I came into the picture, and she’ll be fine with or without me. She’s still aspirational, but on an artistic plane, rather than relationship one. Okay.

My second choice would mark the fourth date with a woman from OK Cupid. She’s cute enough and smart enough. And we’ve hinted around sexual discussions enough to know that an opening could be available for that. But… She’s not who I’m looking for. And I guess she knows it. My several “wanna have lunch” texts, which were really about having lunch, have gone unanswered. I guess she senses the heat is on or I’d be more active.

There’s even a third woman who came on pretty strong on OK Cupid and has since then gone dark. I just opened the site to see what she’s up to and she’s apparently blocked me or dropped off the site. Okay.

There will be negotiations to find the slice of available time to be together, but it will be an effort in mutual attraction.

So, I could call one of the first two women. And make plans to have a drink and some food before the show. And get a little contact time with either of these lovely women. BUT, it’s easier to not call them and go to the show alone. Maybe there will be a nice woman there to chat up. (grin)

So in the slice of time that is available outside of being a single parent, and doing our work, there is some space for another person. But the more you get into the alone time the harder it is to work to fill it with opportunities. So the time goes along, and we’re alone, and it’s okay.

I’m pretty sure this is the story with the Muse. She’s not had a long-term relationship for years and years. And her sixteen-year-old daughter needs her. But even she said, “I might be using her to keep from making time available to be in a relationship.” And the bigger tell was when she returned from a three-week hiatus and hasn’t really made any effort to connect. Then again, neither have I.

I write love poems to soothe myself. I improve my fitness to make myself feel better about myself. And I am readying the live band show in two weeks to bring my full creative potency back into fruition.

And when she shows up it won’t have to be WORK. There will be negotiations to find the slice of available time to be together, but it will be an effort in mutual attraction.

Sincerely,

The Off Parent

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September 7, 2013 | Categories: creativity, dating, desire, happiness, kissing, love letters, online dating, sex, single parenting | Tags: , , , , , , , , | Leave A Comment »

the most beautiful girl in the world (a poem)

girl i once knew (a poem)

girl i once knew (a poem)

[from Misconfigurations of Love – poetry]

i once saw the most beautiful girl in the world
i stood beside her and talked to her
she was unafraid

i spent time with the most beautiful girl in the world
and i realized what got her there
was not something that was going to make me love her
she was centered and alert
but she was a bit too centered and alert

doors would be opened
corners would be cut
you could see in her style
that she was on guard
something was expected

the most beautiful girl in the world
actually became a bit boring after a while
she never paid for gas
she never offered her services
she wanted to be sure that no unspoken expectations would be met

i spent some time with the most beautiful girl in the world
and noticed she was not all that
her beauty was definitely more than skin deep
she was beauty through and through
and i was enamored

but i was not compelled to fall in love
there was a barrier that she enforced
she wanted something
love was not it

i saw the most beautiful girl in the world the other day
she was still beautiful
she was unaware of my presence
and in that moment I could see what was wrong
she was pained
she was hiding
she was alone

i left her there without disturbing her peace
the reverie i felt upon meeting her was spent
she did not want any further assistance
she did not need anything else

i left her in the aisle of the organic food store
looking like a beautiful and exotic bird
there are not many women with her dangerous looks
and haunting charm
and
something
missing

i felt a moment of desire for her
the most beautiful girl in the world
had to be clear
this was a business deal
there would be no exchange of affection
and she held me there at arm’s length
before the fantasy had a chance to emerge
she let it be known she was not interested
she would take my offer
she would offer nothing in return

for a moment, with the most beautiful girl in the world
that was enough
being next to her was refreshing
i would do anything to help her

for a moment, the most beautiful girl in the world was nearby
and she was within reach and within earshot
but i was told not to sing
i was given the rules
before a song was even imagined

it must be hard being the most beautiful girl in the world
of course the demands on her and desires of others are enormous
she had to defend herself
even before accepting my friendship
she had to kill the buzz
obviously it was my buzz she killed
she had learned how not to feel
she was suffering some deep inner pain
she was still beautiful, so beautiful
i could never understand that pain

she’s still around
from time to time i see her
still beautiful
still haunting and glowing in smiles and beauty
and something about her eyes
that takes me beyond myself

it must be hard
being so beautiful
in a world that feeds on beauty
that eats pretty young women
she must feel threatened
being so beautiful
is like being naked all the time
and there was no way for me to step close
without triggering the alarm
best not to even get started
with the most beautiful girl in the world
best not to even try

6-12-13

June 23, 2013 | Categories: 2d, desire, happiness, kissing, love, love letters, poetry, sex | Tags: , , | Leave A Comment »

Sex and the “Wanna Be With You” Vibe

the loss of sexual heat

sexual desire in women

It’s a culturally accepted concept: That men need sex much more frequently. And I would also assume, from my personal experience, that it would not be hard to get most people to agree that women can go without sex much more easily than men. BUT… The science may be in, showing that women WANT sex as much as men, but the cultural norms keep women from acting on their desires as easily as men do.

That’s what keeps women heading across the street to the convenience store for toy-powering batteries rather than heading out to the clubs to pick up casual sexual partners. Certainly, in our culture, it would be easier for a woman to “bed” a man than the other way around. But this new report shows that it’s not the sexual mechanisms that are so different, it’s the expected behaviors of the sexes that keep men on prowl and women in their home hideouts.

“Female animals don’t just enjoy sex, they are not shy about pursuing it. Bergner’s new book is a reexamination of everything we think we know about sex and female biology. An excerpt in The New York Times Magazine two weeks ago explained how, contrary to long-standing cultural beliefs that women are turned on by stability and emotional intimacy, long-term monogamy actually saps women’s sex drives. A German researcher “shows women and men in new relationships reporting, on average, more or less equal lust for each other. But for women who’ve been with their partners between one and four years, a dive begins — and continues, leaving male desire far higher.” We fundamentally misunderstand women’s lust, says Bergner. And not just when it comes to married women.” – When Women Pursue Sex, Even Men Don’t Get It – NY Magazine

Wait! What?

“Long-term monogamy actually saps women’s sex drives.”

I read this with some sadness. Wanting to say aloud, “Yeah, I know.”

But it’s not all bad news.

“A University of Michigan researcher found in 2011 that “gender differences are minimized when women feel that they can avoid being stigmatized for their behavior.” Women like having sex. They don’t like being socially punished for it.” – ibid

Another resource for learning about the sexual habits and needs of the sexes comes from a book called Modern Dating: A Field Guide:

“Everyone’s being kind of wishy-washy,” Atik says. “Women want sex, but they don’t want to be seen as forward (or worse, desperate). Men want sex but are intimidated, unconfident, or don’t want to be seen as domineering. We’re not sure who should be the sexual instigators, and then no one really steps up to the plate.”

So the NY Mag article summarizes our problem very simply.

“Here, again, perhaps the animal kingdom can be a source of inspiration. Sex for pleasure: Lady birds do it, lady bees do it, and, I’m sure by dint of their socioeconomic status and feminism 101 classes, even educated lady fleas do it. The sooner we can agree that pleasure is one major motivation to pursue sex — for both men and women — the sooner we can all start instigating it.” – When Women Pursue Sex, Even Men Don’t Get It – NY Magazine

Okay, so the idea here is that we both want sex. Men have been trained to ask and pursue. Women, on the other hand, have been trained to wait for the man to ask, but are reluctant to ask for themselves. A single woman friend the other night texted me, “Would it be okay if I contact him for a date, again?”

“Of course. You will know exactly where you stand by his response. If he’s into you it will be a HUGE turn-on.”

It worked for her. She sent him a casual “hey” text and he immediately asked her out on the next date. In chatting with her later she said, he reported that he was waiting to see if she made any indications about wanting to go out again.

So… He was waiting for some “sign.” And when she provided the come-on, he responded with the next adventure, potentially amorous. In thinking about my only “woman with potential” I wonder, is she just unable to figure out how to let me know she’s interested in more? Or in our case, since we’ve known each other for so long, and appear to have rich and full lives independent of one another…

Fuck. When does it get to the next stage? When is it okay to lean into the deep hug and go for the full-on kiss? My instinct is, not until the indicators are there, the angle and receptiveness are aligned. In other words, she will let me know.

Today, I’m okay with that. I’ll keep checking OKCupid, but I’m okay with that. And certainly, she knows how much I am putting out the “wanna be with you” vibe.

Sincerely,

The Off Parent
@theoffparent

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June 9, 2013 | Categories: dating, desire, happiness, kissing, love, love letters, online dating, self-care, sex, single parenting | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , | 1 Comment »

it’s about time

touch-off-virtual

[from Making Love To Other Women – poetry]

and then i open my mouth and I have no idea what comes out
i’m nervous, in love, tortured to make contact
and nothing

it’s not that absence makes the heart grow at all
absence is just lack of you, face time, touch time, touch
all these virtual pokes and likes and touch-ins
are no match for the rush of time, tic, time, tic
it’s about time

it’s about time

 

5-30-13

May 30, 2013 | Categories: dating, kissing, p1, poetry | Tags: , , , , , , , , | Leave A Comment »

Oh First Date Closure, What Are You Saying?

Shall we do this again? First date confusion

Let’s see if I can capture this situation. A first date with an online dating connection. From my perspective things go swimmingly well. We share a bottle of wine, a wood-fired pizza and lots of great talk. She’s very attractive and getting more so as the evening progresses. And we laugh as they are putting the chairs up around us. “I guess it’s time to go.”

I walk her to her car. I have that memory of not kissing the more recent date when she was expecting it. But this doesn’t seem like that kind of moment. We get to her car, hug, and as I’m walking off she says, “I really really had a good time, let’s do it again, have a good weekend.”

It’s this moment you’d like to freeze and examine for a moment. 1. What did you mean? Did you really have a good time or are you being nice? 2. Let’s do it again. Are you saying you’d like a second date? 3. Have a good weekend. It’s Wednesday, are you saying you’re booked for the weekend already, or just making pleasant conversation?

I’m sure it’s an odd moment on the woman’s side as well. I imagine an inner conversation like, “Okay, so let him down easy, thank him, leave with an encouragement…”

But what’s the next step?

In my case, last night, I texted her when I got home. “Had a great time, would love to see you again, do you have plans Friday or Saturday night?”

And…

Nothing.

And it’s not like there were major sparks or anything. And I noticed myself thinking, “Wow, she’s really cute, happy, and funny.” I was noticing my casual nod to seeing her again and seeing where it leads us.

She was funny. Touchy. Affectionate. She loves her job. She works with kids. She’s obviously very positive.

Maybe I shouldn’t have told her about Ferris Beuller’s Divorce.

Update: Yay, she responded. Sunday night we’re on again. (in case you’re following along. –grin–)

Sincerely,

The Off Parent

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May 30, 2013 | Categories: dating, kissing, online dating | Tags: , , , , , | 1 Comment »

Casual Red Dresses and Hints of Victoria’s Secret Beneath

It’s not surprising that the first woman with potential has flamed out. But the beginning was so promising.

Three weeks ago she called me. Did I want to meet her at a local art gallery? She was wearing a wonderfully casual red dress and the tan straps of her Victoria’s Secret bra continued to peak at me from around the sleeves. She was perfect at that moment. She opened like a flower. She spoke of promising things. She said, “I don’t really want to fuck around with my next relationship.” Perhaps you can see where I began to hold a spark for her.

Later than night we ate dinner together. She was aching to be ravished. I could sense it. She had not worn the casual red dress as a warning, it was an invitation. As I texted her later I mentioned looking forward to kissing her, at some point. She responded in kind. And how she appreciated me being patient with her, “being a few steps behind you, in the relationship thing.”

And then, over the next few weeks, we spiraled into conversation upon conversation about what our dating might be like. And I could feel the life draining out of the hope of the casual red dress. And in describing her to a friend I found myself explaining too much. Why hadn’t we kissed? Over the next 5 dates and encounters. Why had the “time” equation run aground?

I am a bit ashamed to say that she reached out to me on Thursday, seeing if I wanted to make plans for the weekend. I didn’t. I have not called her back. I’m sort of dreading it. I know she’s already received the message of my silence. I have a voicemail right now, but I don’t want to listen.

What am I to say? “I’m sorry, but I can’t separate your lack of passion from the memory of my ex-wife’s lack of passion. While I was hanging around waiting for you to catch up, or show any sign that “touch” might be important to you, I lost interest. I can’t change you. I think I’ve seen your relationship DNA and it’s very different from mine.”

Yes, that’s exactly what I need to tell her.

Do I have to do it in person?

This time the answer may be yes. But she’s a very smart woman. Perhaps I can let her know my sentiment above in an email and see if she wants to pursue and persuade me. But, even that feels silly. I’m already gone. When I wrote the over-thinking post I knew I was no longer interested. My craving for her, became a light shining on the complete lack of affection coming back from her. There were lots of words and ideas and thoughts about how it might be. Or, more clearly, how it would have to be for her to be involved. And I simply opted-out of the negotiation.

I re-edited my online dating profile as well. “When it happens, it should be easy.” I said, as my lead sentence. I’m not going to beg or tussle when trying to find time to be together. BUT the same goes for “touch.” If that’s simply not part of their casual show of affection, then I’m NEVER GOING TO GET ENOUGH.

I guess I should read the Love Language section on loving someone with a different language. But I don’t really want to. I want someone with my same need for TOUCH as a point of reference.

Touch is what was lacking in my marriage. I am happy to negotiate time and energy and schedules. But if we don’t speak the same language, then our translations are always going to be a form of compromise.

UPDATE: She responded to my email saying something similar. As if she was having the same idea. No need to carry that spark any further. It’s great to have energy and time freed up. But I’d like to have someone to spend it on.

Sincerely,

The Off Parent

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May 19, 2013 | Categories: dating, kissing, love, online dating, sex | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave A Comment »

Here and Now: Touching Objects of Desire & Dating Younger Women

kissing her neck

kissing her neck

She’s talking and I can’t stop looking at her neck.

One of the women with potential is on the phone with me now (you can guess which one) and she’s talking talking talking about how much help she needs and how she doesn’t have time to get her stuff done. And she’s talking and talking. And I’m not that interested in what she’s talking about. All this talking, no necking.

The OKC woman and I had lunch yesterday and I was watching her neck. I had a longing as if I were a vampire watching the pulsing of her life. I could imagine the same pulsing when we were making love, this is the throat of orgiastic pleasure. She’s the one who sent me this text the day after we met for dinner.

thought you were gonna kiss me

I want to stop talking at some point. I want to be with someone and not have to talk about it. All the fking time.

There’s some talking that needs to happen, some goals and rules that need to be established. But if there’s no desire to kiss, it might be that there is very little kissing desire inside the person.

Case in point. I was with the OTHER woman of potential on Friday, during a window when both kids were away at friends’ houses, and we just hung out. But she was warm and touchable. She was close. She had cuddly all over her. Still no need to push in for kissing with her, but there was an implied closeness already. There was already touching.

If there’s no touching, it’s because TOUCH MIGHT NOT BE THEIR LOVE LANGUAGE, DUMMY.

Oh.

And the fact that a woman with potential number one really needs me to help her with a lot of techie stuff… Well, it’s starting to make me a bit tired. IF it weren’t someone I already knew, and if she hadn’t been making the connection effort (she is) then she’d be a goner.

As it is, I’m already cooling a bit on her prospects. She REALLY reminds me of my ex. Things need to be just right, or fit some perfect form, or comply with her schedule and will… Nope. Not gonna do that again.

So I’m not cutting her off. But I’m beginning to expand my viewpoint again. And what if this new OKC woman was a kisser and then nothing? Well, that’s okay. I’m chilling a little on the only 100% or it’s a waste of time.

The OKC woman is not an artist. She’s very much into her gym and running. And she’s cute as the devil and really easy to be with. So what if she’s just a cute and easy, nice girl? Do they HAVE to be writers? Do they HAVE to share cerebral gymnastics or linguistic karate?

I’m fascinated with the shape and vibrancy of her neck while she’s talking. We’re exchanging stories about exes and parents. And when we get the check she asks if she can pay. She’s made it quite clear that she makes good money and is happily supporting herself and her two dogs. And all I can think about is how it would feel to make her neck strain with excitement. I’m hungry, but we’ve just eaten. It’s a good feeling.

And she’s cute as a button. Cute. Fresh. Easy. And she’s asking me to kiss her. Um. Except in broad daylight. “It’s gonna have to be a night date,” she said, half-seriously. She had also let me know after the text above that we would NOT be kissing in a restaurant or any other type of PDA. She simply wasn’t into it. Okay, that’s fine. But she asked me, “But dude, wth? Thought you were gonna kiss me but you didn’t.”

She’s moving things forward nicely.

Note: We went out one more time. There was a little discussion about kissing and our potential fit. But things did not click for her without the addition of alcohol. She was still young, successful, and pretty. Not for me, however.

Sincerely,

The Off Parent

[Updating this post, August 2019: I was not interested in her for a relationship but more for the potential of casual sex. And even after a drink or two, I was in control enough to know that “this one is not for me.” I’m looking for a woman who is an intellectual equal. Often, this means closer to my age, but not always.]

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May 13, 2013 | Categories: creativity, dating, desire, kissing, love, love letters, online dating, self-care, sex | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 3 Comments »

Finding Adoration

sex is spiritualBringing sex into the picture can really complicate things. And when it’s an animal drive rather than a move of adoration, it’s something else. I’m not looking for animal sex with someone I don’t crave. I want to make love, the next time, to someone I simply adore. That’s the highest form of connection and adoration I can give. And I want to feel the loop going both ways. Like a circuit; there is a connection that lights up both people.

I was listening to a Doyle Bramhall II song in the car today when the lyric hit me.

You and me, we’ll wait to see the day come down.
Don’t go, sit here girl, let’s have a drink and watch the day come down.

Something about the longing in his voice and knowing that this record was a victory lap on his marriage to Lisa Melvoin, (of Wendy and Lisa fame) just struck me as appropriate. I want to watch the day go down with a woman, just be. Time together being relaxed and not pressured to do anything.

And then I imagine the sex becomes part of the passion and adoration that grows between us.

It seems to me, I’ve been trying to hard to FIND a girl friend. And what I learned yesterday, having a couple of hours hanging with the MIA woman with potential, was: it really is about the quality of the time together. The “feeling” you get. The unstoppable glow that wants to be fulfilled through the ultimate act of intimacy.

Sex is a spiritual act. And engaging in it should be a form of beauty and expression. When it becomes mechanical, or there’s a hint of boredom or duty, it’s done. I aspire to actually make love next time I’m with a woman. And until then “friends” are just fine. Now, kissing… That’s a bit less intimate and should be an indicator of the sensuousness in the relationship. But the intention should be there as well. So woman with potential might be over thinking, or she might just be really spiritual and going slow.

100% or just don’t waste your time.

Sincerely,

The Off Parent

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+++ a Doyle Bramhall II song, live from my home town. The woman on the left, singing is Lisa, Doyle’s wife at the time, now divorced. Wendy is playing bass.

May 11, 2013 | Categories: dating, kissing, online dating, self-care, sex, spirituality | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave A Comment »

The Relationship Strategy: Moving Beyond Divorce

I’m kinda tired of writing about the ex-y. I’d like to walk away from this blog tomorrow and start the new chapter, the new symphony.

The other day, as I was waiting for one of the “women with potential” to show up, I wrote this Relationship Strategy list. Just like I would for an online marketing project I was taking on. Here I was, getting ready to hang out with this woman, and I’m designing the strategy for getting beyond dating and into relationship. I knew this wasn’t really just about her, it was a framework, that I was hoping would be trashed by passionate overtures. Um, I’m still waiting.

my relationship strategy outline

 

Let’s put these in text where you can read them.

1. Establish mutual connection
2. Spend time together
 - learn + listen
 - experience life
 - be yourselves
 - how does it feel?
3. Learn each other's relating style
4. Define love language
5. All good? Add kissing if you want to
6. Kissing may lead to lovemaking

That’s it. Pretty simple. The part that’s not simple is negotiating and navigating the process with someone who is terrified of moving down the list. Or maybe inexperienced at deep relating.

And a question I am asking myself in regards to the woman who is at least present is, “Can the crazy unbridled passion still be unlocked when kissing, etc. comes into play?” Because if it’s all cerebral and calm and calculated, I’m concerned she might not ever light up.

But I am committed to seeing this woman off the planet of over thinking and into something. I’m not sure it will be kissing me, but hey… I’m still interested. (stay tuned)

The second “woman with potential” has gone missing. We’ve exchanged messages and a few potential schedules, and she’s chilled them each time. I’m not surprised, as she seemed to have a much more complete life. I am about to ask her about “holding on loosely, vs. pursuit.” I have the feeling she prefers to be in complete control. And again, if I fit in, great. If not, she didn’t really NEED a relationship in the first place.

Are adults often stuck in this model of relating? I love the idea of independence  I’m just understanding the value and risk at giving up my solitude and semi-unlimited creative time. But it’s not where I want to end up. I aspire to be in a connected relationship. And part of that connectedness is having a partner who wants to be deeply connected as well.

Sincerely,

The Off Parent

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May 7, 2013 | Categories: creativity, dating, divorce, kissing, love, self-care | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 4 Comments »

On The Planet of Over Thinking: Sublimating Desire

learning in relationshipsIt was a moment of frustration for her. I could see her facial expression even though I was driving. “What do you mean when you keep saying ‘over thinking?’ It sounds a bit like a criticism.”

This time we were not discussing the theory of adult relationships, we were talking about the concept of a mastermind group. (No relationship to the cultish pay-to-play Mastermind(tm) process.) In this concept I was sharing with her about how getting a couple “cherry picked” people together for mutual sharing and accountability can have a great effect on your growth. She loved the idea.

But immediately something changed in her version. And I found myself trying to offer different approaches and kept coming back to exactly what worked for HER.

Aside: Walking this morning Aimme Mann sang a line that really seemed to resonate with me. “I know love doesn’t change anything at all. I know love doesn’t change a thing.” And this line seemed to speak to something I was feeling about this “mastermind” encounter.

“Because kissing or sex leads to more time.” She said. “The desire for more time. And I guess I’m just not there yet.”

What I kept saying to her was, “The character of the group will define the goals and cadence. It’s fine to set up your goals and expectations, but each individual will come to the first meeting with their own ideas and needs.”

Some how she didn’t want to hear that.

“But Sunday is the only day that would work for me,” she said.

“That’s fine. And I do think you need to get your expectations and goals in place, but I don’t think you need to over think it.”

Boom.

“What do you mean by that?”

And here’s the way Aimee Mann’s line struck me this morning, as I was reflecting on my explanation.

“Well, you can do your part to get your plans and desires in place. That is necessary for you to even want to attempt setting up the group. BUT, the group will be redefined by the people who show up. Each of them will have expectations and needs as well. I was saying to get your needs and ask in order, but then be open to the asks and needs of the group you assemble. Because everyone brings their own issues and ideas to the group.”

Somehow I felt like I was defending my position. Or defending the idea of “over thinking.” But that’s not what it felt like. In reflection today, what it felt like, is I was encountering an inflexible approach to relationships. She has a concept of how this mastermind group can serve her, and how it would fit into HER needs.

Um.

Perhaps that’s where I am with her. Seeing how I fit into her needs. If it’s Saturday that I can be worked in, if that’s all she has available, well, who am I to argue with that. I did use the word over thinking in our conversation the night before as we were comparing relationship notes.

In over thinking the idea of being in a relationship, I am beginning to understand a bit more about how this woman likes to control her life. If it fits for HER then it can happen. And at this moment, she’s not sure.

Sometimes you need to let go of the plans and strategies and just kiss. Or in the terms of the mastermind process, just convene the best group of people you can manage and see what happens. THE GROUP will have a dynamic and need of its own. As a relationship between two people is more dependant on the two people that show up and the MIX or FLEXIBILITY of those people, more than the PLAN or FIT in a schedule.

I seem to have been doing a lot of explaining, and sublimating desire to say how patient I am. And all we’re talking about is kissing. Sure, it’s the gateway to everything else, but it IS A BIT MESSY. There’s no plan or strategy that will explain or prepare you for the kiss. As there is no containing the flow of feelings when sexual passion gets ignited.

But if there’s a control plan that won’t let anything move forward without further investigation, well, maybe the problem is the investigation. In over thinking the idea of being in a relationship, I am beginning to understand a bit more about how this woman likes to control her life. If it fits for HER then it can happen. And at this moment, she’s not sure.

But it’s not just HER agenda that needs to be served.

I was trying in my subtle ways to say, hey a kiss is just a kiss. Let’s try it. See what happens. But she was having none of it. And she said something at the breakfast table about what she WAS looking for.

“Because kissing or sex leads to more time. The desire for more time. And I guess I’m just not there yet.”

Oh, maybe after the “400 dates“, or maybe not.

Um, maybe not. (Hello OKCupid.)

Sincerely,

The Off Parent

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+++

And here’s the Aimee Mann song with the line about love doesn’t change a thing – Phoenix

+++

And another song about arriving at 31 as a woman, still trying to figure out life – 31 Today

caught some guy I knew
had a drink or two
and we fumbled as the day grew dark
i pretended that I felt a spark…

May 6, 2013 | Categories: dating, kissing, single parenting | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 3 Comments »

Relationship Chemistry or Heat? Are We Losing Charge or Building Up Energy?

OFF-greengirl

It’s a fine distinction, but I’m trying to understand the current pressure I’m feeling. There is an uncomfortableness that I’m starting to be aware of. When I am imagining is that my energy and desire is spinning up in some sort of charging capacity, that I am energized and looking for a connection to light up. The opposite might be true. Perhaps I am losing the glow and confidence of the connection with GF 1 and I’m starting to wind down and believe less in myself and the trajectory of patience and calm.

I confess, today I started a new OKCupid profile, with new pictures and a very simplified description and “seeking” outline. It was triggered partially by a conversation I was having with one of the two women on my current radar scope.

I was telling her, maybe trying to convince myself at the same time, how patient I was and how happy I was at building the friendship part before testing the kissing and beyond aspects. And then I listened to her response.

For a moment I imagined she was telling me why she was still looking on OKCupid. I don’t think that’s what she said, but what I heard was, I’m just not that sure I’m that into you, and I’m more comfortable getting to know you “over the next 400 dates before we move things forward. I don’t want to make another mistake.” She laughed as she said the “400” was just a joke.

She does not have the awareness of wanting to be loved. She’s just fine, take it or leave it, with being touched and affectionate with someone. Me, for example.

Then something remarkable happened. I took her to a party she was making an appearance at, I offered to accompany her there… And a woman there, again that ONE WOMAN IN THE CROWD, was so stunningly sensuous and alluring that I could’ve imagined trying one of those stupid stunts, “Hi, you are so beautiful, I’d like to …” But I didn’t. But I wanted to.

And something in my reptilian brain connected with that sensuous power and looked back at this beautiful and intelligent woman I was standing with, and I registered a miss. I don’t mind patience and pacing. In fact, my recent events have me quoting the idea rather frequently. But when I saw this woman, and I watched her speak to another woman, I was fascinated by her attraction.

What I seemed to connect with was the pull towards her, towards something, the idea of her. And what I realized with this woman I was with, I was really having to do a lot of talking about why the sexual pull or uncontrollable passion was a thing that could be dipped into at will, between two caring and trusting adults.

Huh?

But there’s something missing with this woman.

She does not have the awareness of wanting to be loved. She’s just fine, take it or leave it, with being touched and affectionate with someone. Me, for example. It’s okay with her that we’re not really touching. I’m putting out my hand and guiding her in crowds occasionally, I’m touching her arm when I want to make a point about physical contact. But the “resonance” that I’m looking for is not happening. It’s not a cerebral thing. And the more I find I’m talking up a blue streak about how “taking it slow” is fine with me, the more I feel like I’m beginning to build up excuses for why she isn’t CRAVING anything.

I guess, I am beginning to understand that I am craving. I am hungry for touch. The kissing girl was an example of how open I am to letting the passion take hold. And while she was the wrong woman, there was a part of her that ignited my passion and she responded back with passion.

This woman is not not responding. But her responses are about calculations and “what she might be looking for.” I don’t know what it takes to light someone up, but if it’s not happening, it might not ever happen.

If we are two honest and centered adults, perhaps it’s possible to enter into a relationship and exit the relationship without anyone getting hurt.

I’ll pause here and take a breath. I’m not abandoning either of these aloof superstar women. (Uh oh, that’s a phrase that echos GF 1’s statement that I’m drawn to emotionally unavailable women.) But at the same time, I’m feeling the need to put the sail back in the air. And if the woman in the party today, were present at a function where I was not accompanied by a “date” I am sure I would’ve been compelled to make an introduction. Without the pressure of the pickup line, of course, but with a clear, across-the-room-attraction confidence that she just might have been looking for.

I have been very direct with this woman. I have told her several times where I stand. And today I found myself making the case, for an idea that came to me last night, again after an extended discussion about why-how-and-if we were heading towards a relationship.

I want it to be easy. If we are two honest and centered adults, perhaps it’s possible to enter into a relationship and exit the relationship without anyone getting hurt.

What I explained to this woman over breakfast was, “I’m certain that we will be friends for a long time to come, regardless of where this relationship stuff goes. And if you were to call me in six months to accompany you to a party or some other function, I would gladly go. Because I enjoy spending time with you, and we seem to have a mutual compatibility. My recent experience leads me to believe, that we could add “kissing” in at any time, to see how that fit.”

At some point you need to jump in and test the waters. Another point I made, “What if you spent all this time to “know” someone and when you finally got around to making love it was awful? That would really suck.”

We laughed.

I want heat. I want chemistry that becomes unavoidable. If this woman is so in control of her emotions and physical needs that she can be with me for hours and hours without finally wanting to cross the threshold of touch or kissing, well… Perhaps her love language is something else. Probably. (bummer)

Sincerely,

John McElhenney – life coach austin texas
Facebook  | Instagram | Pinterest |  @theoffparent

As a certified life coach, I’ve been helping men and women find fulfilling relationships. If you’d like to chat for 30-minutes about your dating/relationship challenges, I always give the first 30-session away for free. LEARN ABOUT COACHING WITH JOHN. There are no obligations to continue. But I get excited every time I talk to someone new. I can offer new perspectives and experiences from my post-divorce dating journey. Most of all, I can offer hope.

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image: green girls, vogue magazine, creative commons usage

May 5, 2013 | Categories: creativity, dating, desire, kissing, online dating, sex | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 1 Comment »

she believed in kissing

kissing before getting on a train

[from Making Love To Other Women – poetry]

she opened her mouth so wide i fell inside
and kisses slipped us into a dreamlike state
i was open and aware and allowing the momentum
we careened along the tracks like a train without brakes

and she sounded the alarm
or at least alerted the brakeman
we slowed without any major damage
but the pause was enough
i was grateful
she was a fantastic kisser
she believed in kissing
so did i
and she held many of the qualities I wanted
or said I wanted
i did not prepare for a boarding of my train
when she began unpacking her bags
and getting ready to join my sleeping car
i knew that we needed more than the attention of the brakeman
i called an emergency stop
she protested
she cajoled
she made me feel tired
i was not ready for a showdown
i did not want to force anyone off the train
i was not aware of selling or giving tickets

she taught me the sacred art of kissing
she thrilled and laughed and was hurt
when I asked her to leave
i was not prepared to put up a fight
i was also not prepared to allow a forced boarding

i left her standing at the station
she called out and waved
she said wonderful things and then angry things
she would not be boarding the train any time soon
or ever
but her kisses will be missed
and the heavy moment of having to hurt someone else
for any reason
even if the reason is self-preservation

she opened her mouth
and i danced on her tongue
and found myself lost inside her
and when i woke up
when i saw the baggage she was bringing

i
stopped
the
train
and
let
her
off

4-29-13

April 29, 2013 | Categories: dating, kissing, p1, poetry, sex | Tags: , , , , , | Leave A Comment »

Little Ecstasies In the Afternoon: How a Nap is a Bit Like Sex

divorce and the little ecstasies

divorce and the little ecstasiesI’m coming upon a realization about why naps are so powerful. They are a bit like an orgasm. There is a moment when your body feels like breaking and then you give in, clear the schedule, open the flood gates and let yourself go. Even in the middle of the day. There aren’t too many things like a nap that you can do for yourself to create this little ecstasy. (chocolate, masturbation, maybe a great shot of liquor)

Of course, we long for the big ecstasies, when possible. Making love is often the most accessible of those. I remember when the ex and I knew that we’d cleared an hour out of the day for love-making, how excited I would be. Showering for the event. Anticipating in a Pavlovian way, in an almost tastable way.

Today I have little ecstasies. It’s okay. And on the days I don’t find the time, make the time, to nap, I’m a bit more dependent on coffee and type-a drive. But why wouldn’t you want a nap? Maybe it keeps you up late at night.

And in your relationship why wouldn’t you want a big or little ecstasy? What things would prevent you from wanting unlimited amounts of chocolate, if they could somehow make it non-fattening and good for you?

I guess routine can set in, even boredom. Noticing for the first time that your lover is bored is quite a wakeup call. Noticing it with your wife is a much deeper transgression. Maybe it’s different for men and women. Maybe there are things a woman would like even more than to be made love to. Maybe there are things that sound better than a nap on a sunny afternoon wrapped around your lover.

But I can’t think of any.

Sincerely,

The Off Parent

Resources:

ecstasy defined

April 23, 2013 | Categories: desire, divorce, health, kissing, marriage, self-care, sex | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 2 Comments »

she is on the other side of the window

she is nearby - poetry[from a coffee love letter - poetry]

close
 she is beautiful
 she is feeling older
 she should be loved
 i could tell her, touch her, be
 a tonic
 to tiredness
 to ennui
 to feeling less
 i could ask her
 i could bring her
 love
i breathe nearby
 she would not understand
 still i watch her
 through the glass
 and I want
i want
i am in love with loving her
 i am in love with this feeling
 i guess
 i am in love
i know
she is an object of affection
 she is beautiful
 she is my imagination
 of the lazy kisses
 of a gray day
 like this day
 where we do nothing
 but kiss
 and cuddle
 until we must get up
 to find food
i know
she isn't the one i'm looking for
 i don't know that
 but I know
 she is beautiful
 and that is enough
that is enough for now
4-23-13

April 23, 2013 | Categories: 3d, kissing, love, poetry | Leave A Comment »

Not Obeying the Speed Limits, Enjoying the Daily Journey

Coming home from the movie, I noticed how hard it is for me to drive the speed limit. I think I have that tendency in relationships too. (This post continues the story started here: Go Big This Time, or Go Home)

speed limits in dating and love

In the most recent installment, we learned that kissing can make quick work of the intimacy that usually has to be built up over time. So my warning, to myself, obey the speed limits. With good reason the kissy girl slowed the “runaway train down” so we could figure out what relationship might look like before we tore each other’s clothes off and dove head first into sex.

Turns out, even with less than a week under our belt, the kissing had formed a bond for her that was less easily loosened than maybe if we had not lip locked so quickly. I have no regrets about that. But I learn.

It was hard tonight, telling her, repeating, and reframing the proposition that I wasn’t interested in a relationship with her. “That’s fine, but I thought we could just hang out and not rush into anything.”

Needless to say she was confused and disappointed. And she was convinced that I had not handled the situation as well as I could. Fine points, I guess, as you are in the middle of a breaking up with someone, but let’s take them at face value.

“You could’ve told me the second you knew something wasn’t working for you,” she said. “In stead of dragging it out over the last three days.” Okay, but I tried. My txt “I’m not ready to be in this relationship,” wasn’t clear enough. I can hear that. But I didn’t really have any clear time to deal with this discussion, until today. And in my mind, I was still figuring it out. I had the idea that meeting in person to say it might be a better approach.

And speeding up the process for sex, or passion, or kissing, is not a good idea. I want the relating to be ahead of the feeling. I want the experience of being “with” this person to be something coveted and sacred long before we make love.

I said. “I did try to say that I was having second thoughts.” And I mentioned the idea of the other person not having kids, and thus not quite understanding the “kid thing,” was an issue. But I was not clear at that moment, that I was saying NO to everything.

“Still you left me hanging all day. What were those texts about?”

She had texted me earlier in the day to discuss plans for the evening. She had asked for flirting. I didn’t give that. “When we talked on the phone, I was trying to be clear. BUT, I had back to back meetings most of the day. It wasn’t until six this evening that I was really clear enough to have this conversation, clearly and definitively. But I’m clear about it now.”

Okay, so the drama is over. She has gotten the picture. I’m done. I’m not interested in hanging out and “having some fun together.” And I’m certain that I was not prepared to kiss again. Not even a little bit. The drug of even that is a powerful enough to cloud my clear thinking.

It’s hard. It’s messy. And I do give her the point that I jumped right up to the passion play pretty quickly after we met. It was a mutual thing, but I did do my part to fuel the fantasy. And then I saw the New Girl. And it became very clear, I was trying to justify or rationalise the relationship with KG and I wasn’t even in the ball park.

Seeing this “ideal” woman, who DID in fact show up in full regalia and say, “So are you checking me out?” She is most certainly still in the projected fantasy mode, but this time she and I are clear the slow pace is more important than the passion play. Well, at least that’s how she explained it to me.

“I’m not really big into passion. I’m not looking to fall madly in love with someone,” she said, yesterday on our walk.

“You’re not into passion?” I asked.

“Not at all. It’s just, I’m just more fixated on regular life. Sometimes all that passion, that stuff we were so high on when we were in our twenties, some how that’s not all that important to me, or how real life is.”

“Yes, I can see that. I lost my priorities when the big passion came on with my ex-wife. I let go of some of the things I now see were critical path for me.”

We sat in that moment. We rubbed her dog’s belly. We drank our Topo Chico. We enjoyed the moment.

She showed me her hands. “I want to be more like this,” she opened her hand, palm up. “Rather than this,”  she flipped her hand and gripped the table. I agreed and took her hand in mine. Just for a minute we sat and held hands.

Then she volunteered, “When I say my vows again. I want it to be something like this. ‘I would like to spend the rest of my life with you, and we can be together.”

“I can see that.” I said. She was echoing my definition of beauty, that I had articulated in our first “lunch.”

The key words, the key idea, “for the rest of my life” resonated brightly with me.

That commitment does not allow for “almost” or compromise. Not at this point in my life. I don’t want to spend a single night in “almost.” I’d rather be alone. But I don’t want to be alone. So I have to look for the “rest of my life” girl.

And speeding up the process for sex, or passion, or kissing, is not a good idea. I want the relating to be ahead of the feeling. I want the experience of being “with” this person to be something coveted and sacred long before we make love. Kissing, maybe sooner than that. I mean, as I learned, kissing is a pretty powerful opening.

It’s a big journey. But the next relationship is the biggest one of my life. And I want the mundane to be ecstatic simply because we are doing them together.

But even that has no business being hurried. When GF 1.0 kissed me on the first date, I was swept up in the moment. And while that ended reasonably well, and even today’s Kissing Girl went away without a mortal wound, it was difficult and tiresome. We have a finite amount of energy, and I intend to use as much of it as I can, and use it wisely.

So, for me, I’m going to throttle down the runaway train, and be more conscious of the “being” together rather than the rush. I felt the rush with NG, right away. Seeing her, being with her, and the moment she asked me the telling question, I felt a thrill at even being inside her house. I had thought about her before.

So now we are in the micro-crush phase. We take small steps. We look and evaluate our compatibility on innumerable levels. How do they deal with disappointments even in this stage. How do you let them know of a change in plans? How frequently is contact desired, initiated, responded to? It’s all a microcosm of real life.

I really like the idea, of “being together” and letting the other stuff fall into place. Certainly I’d be sad if I didn’t think there would be BIG PASSION again. Because I can see how with the build and desire that I have already for NG, it would be HUGE, it will be HUGE if we kiss. And even BIGGER if we made love. But I want to experience every single nuance of the build between now and then. And I want to keep on experiencing the little steps of awakening excitement on through the “rest of our lives” together.

It’s a big journey. But the next relationship is the biggest one of my life. And I want the mundane to be ecstatic  simply because we are doing them together. Idealistic? Perhaps. But I’m clear on one thing. Almost is NOT ENOUGH.

When poetry and song are part of the equation even before we’ve really started, all I can say, is we’re off to a great start. Even if the fantasy is still just mine, at this point, let’s see how the reality develops before my very eyes.

Update: In a short email KG said she was sorry. She asked, “Friends?” Here’s my response.

You are bright and beautiful. And I wish you all the best in your search. But I don’t think I can be friends. 

Sincerely,

The Off Parent

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April 22, 2013 | Categories: dating, kissing, love, online dating, poetry, spirituality | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 1 Comment »

Making Love to Parker Posey

parker posey

parker posey

So let’s say SHE does show up. The uber woman. Arrives fully outfitted for your bullshit and dressed to the nines. She’s unafraid, but she has some demands she needs to lay down first. In my mind, Parker Posey has some of the best and worst qualities you’d want in a girlfriend. Of course, she doesn’t want to be your girlfriend or even acknowledge the relationship, and that’s okay if that’s how she wants it.

The woman shows up, she’s ready to load her bags on to your train… and… wait a minute? What am I supposed to do about losing my reclaimed alone time, I talk so much about? What ARE the parameters you’re willing to move and compromise on IF SHE DID SHOW UP.

Even after all the searching and fretting and imagining, she has not yet shown up. The near miss this week, still being slowly put back in the “friends” box, was the first wake up call I’ve had since the divorce, that showed me a new problem.

I LOVE MY ALONE TIME.

I’m not afraid to say it. I’m not ready for someone to ask to be with me on every night I don’t have my kids. I flat out, can’t do that. I suppose eventually I’d live with someone again, and that would be the result, but that’s not a goal of mine. In fact, some of the struggles in my marriage was between me and the ex-y around how much time I could spend writing or playing music. It was WE time I was sacrificing to make ME time. Now, with the rules all TBD, I’d best be considering the best case scenario, so I can guide my wishes in that direction.

My friend said, “She has a rich and full life of her own.” And that has some resonance. But would a relationship with PP be any fun? And it hit me. For the first time in my post-marriage relationship experience, I actually had to say to someone, “You need to slow your roll.” (Not in those actual words.)

A full circle from the first CONNECT in an online dating session that ended with the woman giving me her number and suggesting we could just “hang out” sometime. I was thrilled. She was so easy. We talked and gazed across the margaritas dreamily. I went home and wrote down what I was feeling.

And then I shared it. (Oops.) It freaked her out. And not just a little. It freaked her out a lot. And she never agreed to meet me again. Ever.

Today I sort of get it. This woman, KG (kissy girl) is ready to usurp all available bandwidth. And it’s up to me to draw that boundary. While I’ve already decided that KG is not the next relationship for me, it was quite an awareness to learn that IF SHE HAD BEEN, I would not have been prepared. If it had been Parker Posey and she had said, “So what are you doing with the rest of your life?” I’d a flipped out.

Walking my kissing relationship back to no relationship is going to be a bit of a trick. I don’t like to be mean or misleading. And I KNOW that she is not going to be right for me. (See: The Church of Kisses) But worse would be to try and limp along without letting her know it’s a MISS for me.

I did talk to her on the phone today. She had begun to freak a bit that I hadn’t called her back by 11:30 this Saturday morning. I didn’t want to call anyone back. I was here doing a project with my son. I felt a bit of an intrusion from a woman I met a week ago who was now demanding that I call her back so we can talk about “What’s up.” ACK.

The good news, the saving grace, I think in this case, was that she had slowed the runaway train that was heading towards sex. The kissing was great. The sex… well, that’s part of the problem. I have no intention of making love to this woman. And that’s the part I need to let her know.

The conversation this afternoon went something like, “Okay, what’s freaked you out?” and “We can talk about anything. If you just let me know what’s going on.”

Um, a rude me would’ve said, “It’s not me it’s you. I just don’t want to make love to you, ever.” But I didn’t. I set a parameter around my time. Giving us some cooling off time. (I didn’t see her yesterday and won’t see her today or tomorrow.) By Monday, my intention is to tell her, I’m not moving forward with an US in any shape or form. I don’t need a friend. I don’t need someone else who’s interested in my time. I need the ONE PERSON who I’m willing to give my most precious asset to, ME.

The poem from yesterday (travel together) came from a chance lunch meeting with an old acquaintance. And you know what… I almost sent it to her. Talk about SLOW YOUR FKIN ROLL! I am so glad I didn’t’.

Bottom Line: It’s okay to have wildly romantic fantasies. And it’s okay to project some of those into the marketplace of relationships. That’s what keeps us going in spite of the failures and long odds. And it’s really okay to fall madly in love with someone, when you vetted out as many of the “must haves” as you can.

My new must-have: “How much time is enough? How much time am I willing to give? How will I push back when I need time alone?”

So this idea of always leaving them wondering a bit, hungry for the next contact, sort of makes sense. While NG (new girl) and I have known each other for 15 years or so, we’ve never really been friends. She illuminated that yesterday when she said, “We’ve been acquaintances, but not friends. You’ve never shared with me like you did today.”

And so the spark is present. Great. Now it’s time to take it easy. Don’t press forward into sex, or trying to define what’s going to happen or how it should be. Let it be easy. (I’m repeating this so that it works like a mantra to soothe the excitement in me, about crossing paths with NG at just this moment.)

Slow your roll. There is no need, during this initialization phase, when projections should be measured against reality, to hurry things along. Savor each step. Stop occasionally and ask, “Is this enough?”

Then when you see Parker Posey again, you can tell her how you’ve missed her, craved her, and wished you could spend more time with her. And she is able to say or not say the same thing. And that’s the dance. When the other person begins unpacking their bags too soon, even if the bags have magical treasures, it’s scary. And it’s too soon. Let the mystery unfold in time. Don’t rip at each other at the first chance. There are too many subtleties that need to be addressed BEFORE you MAKE LOVE or HAVE SEX.

Too many fantasies to balance against reality. If you’re already deeply addicted to the sex juice it’s going to be hard to pull back. With KG I think I caught my error early enough. With NG I hope I have not already pressed too far with my outreach via txt. Thank god I kept my poem in my pants.

She’s waiting. She’s thinking. I am a mystery. Let’s slowly unpack some of our things and compare notes along the way. We are complex systems. And for our constellations to align, it will take some delicate maneuverings  We don’t want to repeat the past mistakes. And in my case, I don’t want to let beauty overwhelm and bypass my fundamental requirements.

Sincerely,

The Off Parent

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April 20, 2013 | Categories: creativity, dad, dating, desire, divorce, kissing, online dating, self-care, sex, single parenting, spirituality | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 4 Comments »

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