Oh First Date Closure, What Are You Saying?
Let’s see if I can capture this situation. A first date with an online dating connection. From my perspective things go swimmingly well. We share a bottle of wine, a wood-fired pizza and lots of great talk. She’s very attractive and getting more so as the evening progresses. And we laugh as they are putting the chairs up around us. “I guess it’s time to go.”
I walk her to her car. I have that memory of not kissing the more recent date when she was expecting it. But this doesn’t seem like that kind of moment. We get to her car, hug, and as I’m walking off she says, “I really really had a good time, let’s do it again, have a good weekend.”
It’s this moment you’d like to freeze and examine for a moment. 1. What did you mean? Did you really have a good time or are you being nice? 2. Let’s do it again. Are you saying you’d like a second date? 3. Have a good weekend. It’s Wednesday, are you saying you’re booked for the weekend already, or just making pleasant conversation?
I’m sure it’s an odd moment on the woman’s side as well. I imagine an inner conversation like, “Okay, so let him down easy, thank him, leave with an encouragement…”
But what’s the next step?
In my case, last night, I texted her when I got home. “Had a great time, would love to see you again, do you have plans Friday or Saturday night?”
And…
Nothing.
And it’s not like there were major sparks or anything. And I noticed myself thinking, “Wow, she’s really cute, happy, and funny.” I was noticing my casual nod to seeing her again and seeing where it leads us.
She was funny. Touchy. Affectionate. She loves her job. She works with kids. She’s obviously very positive.
Maybe I shouldn’t have told her about Ferris Beuller’s Divorce.
Update: Yay, she responded. Sunday night we’re on again. (in case you’re following along. –grin–)
Sincerely,
The Off Parent
< back to On Dating Again index
Resources:
- The Divorce Library (reading list)
- Songs of Divorce (free listening library – youtube sourced songs)
- Laugh It Off (building a resource library of funny videos and other diversions)
- Facebook (follow us on Facebook and keep up with all the conversations)
- The 5 Love Languages (a book on love styles by Gary Chapman)
you’re a song i want to sing
[from Making Love To Other Women – poetry]
you’re a song i want to sing
a mode of being I want to embrace
you’re like middle c
a shore to my ocean
moving into and out of you
without touching
never, not touching
you’re a song i want to sing
in a key of life i’ve never known
and words are no match for the feeling
and the feeling is no indicator of the depth
there’s so little information
and yet, so much to the sweep and sound
of your voice, breath, breathing
like waves and whispers
you’re a song I want to sing
and i can’t decide where to begin
and that’s okay
you never end
as we drift and ebb
5-23-13
Casual Red Dresses and Hints of Victoria’s Secret Beneath
It’s not surprising that the first woman with potential has flamed out. But the beginning was so promising.
Three weeks ago she called me. Did I want to meet her at a local art gallery? She was wearing a wonderfully casual red dress and the tan straps of her Victoria’s Secret bra continued to peak at me from around the sleeves. She was perfect at that moment. She opened like a flower. She spoke of promising things. She said, “I don’t really want to fuck around with my next relationship.” Perhaps you can see where I began to hold a spark for her.
Later than night we ate dinner together. She was aching to be ravished. I could sense it. She had not worn the casual red dress as a warning, it was an invitation. As I texted her later I mentioned looking forward to kissing her, at some point. She responded in kind. And how she appreciated me being patient with her, “being a few steps behind you, in the relationship thing.”
And then, over the next few weeks, we spiraled into conversation upon conversation about what our dating might be like. And I could feel the life draining out of the hope of the casual red dress. And in describing her to a friend I found myself explaining too much. Why hadn’t we kissed? Over the next 5 dates and encounters. Why had the “time” equation run aground?
I am a bit ashamed to say that she reached out to me on Thursday, seeing if I wanted to make plans for the weekend. I didn’t. I have not called her back. I’m sort of dreading it. I know she’s already received the message of my silence. I have a voicemail right now, but I don’t want to listen.
What am I to say? “I’m sorry, but I can’t separate your lack of passion from the memory of my ex-wife’s lack of passion. While I was hanging around waiting for you to catch up, or show any sign that “touch” might be important to you, I lost interest. I can’t change you. I think I’ve seen your relationship DNA and it’s very different from mine.”
Yes, that’s exactly what I need to tell her.
Do I have to do it in person?
This time the answer may be yes. But she’s a very smart woman. Perhaps I can let her know my sentiment above in an email and see if she wants to pursue and persuade me. But, even that feels silly. I’m already gone. When I wrote the over-thinking post I knew I was no longer interested. My craving for her, became a light shining on the complete lack of affection coming back from her. There were lots of words and ideas and thoughts about how it might be. Or, more clearly, how it would have to be for her to be involved. And I simply opted-out of the negotiation.
I re-edited my online dating profile as well. “When it happens, it should be easy.” I said, as my lead sentence. I’m not going to beg or tussle when trying to find time to be together. BUT the same goes for “touch.” If that’s simply not part of their casual show of affection, then I’m NEVER GOING TO GET ENOUGH.
I guess I should read the Love Language section on loving someone with a different language. But I don’t really want to. I want someone with my same need for TOUCH as a point of reference.
Touch is what was lacking in my marriage. I am happy to negotiate time and energy and schedules. But if we don’t speak the same language, then our translations are always going to be a form of compromise.
UPDATE: She responded to my email saying something similar. As if she was having the same idea. No need to carry that spark any further. It’s great to have energy and time freed up. But I’d like to have someone to spend it on.
Sincerely,
The Off Parent
< back to On Dating Again index
Resources:
- The Divorce Library (reading list)
- Songs of Divorce (free listening library – youtube sourced songs)
- Laugh It Off (building a resource library of funny videos and other diversions)
- The 5 Love Languages (how to learn what you need to feel loved) by Gary Chapman
Promises and Lies In Online Dating Profiles
I’m beginning to get tired of online dating. Like “real tired” of it.
Here are a few observations I had while checking into my online dating profile this morning.
Thumbnails can tell a lot about a person.
- Too plain (maybe they don’t have friends or advisers who can help them spruce up)
- Bathroom mirror shots (maybe they don’t have friends or a modern smart phone to make a proper selfie)
- Too radical (if they are trying really hard in their profile picture, they are hiding something)
- Too glam (too much makeup and flash and that’s how I’m going to think of you – puffed up)
- Too many tattoos (I find tattoos kind of sexy, but if it’s your lead story, you’re probably a dancer or a roller derby star)
- Too Annie Hall (it was cute back then, but frumpy is just not sexy or intriguing)
The rest of your pictures.
- There’s usually that one picture that’s a bit more realistic – like what you really look like. You can either hide these or show them as a way of weeding out the misses. Cause in person, the real you is going to show up. You can’t keep your profile in perfect perspective in real life. I currently am employing the “here’s a wakeup photo” method. When we finally meet, you’ll already have a good idea of what I look like. As in RIGHT NOW.
- Pictures that are from ancient times. You can tell when someone’s using a picture from college. It’s obvious. Make sure your photos are real, and up-to-date. If you’re trying to inflate how you look now, you’re going to spend a lot of time in disappointing first dates. When I see you across the room and notice you look nothing like your photos. Um, is that really what you want?
- Pictures of your beautiful smile that show little or nothing else of your frame and figure. (Um, what are you hiding, exactly. The answer, actually, is often quite a lot. I was a few dates in with a woman, before I really got a good idea of what the rest of her body looked like. OOPS. It was an uncomfortable situation. I’m not saying you should show your flabby whatevers, but don’t present yourself as a runner and “thin and athletic” if you haven’t worked out since high school.
- Pictures with kids are okay. I’m sure they will weed out the non-kidded prospects, but that’s probably a good thing, if my experience is any indication. If they don’t have kids and you do… There’s a disconnect immediately. They simply won’t understand about half of your life. They can say, “I love kids.” But they didn’t put them as a priority in their lives. And they probably won’t understand you putting your kids before them.
- Pictures with drinks in your hand. Fine, we all like a (some of us) like a drink ever now and then. But if you’re leading with you interest in drinking, well, you might be indicating more than you know. I am happy to share a glass or bottle of wine. But it better not be the formative activity in the relationship. That leads to disaster.
Language in your profile.
- Stay away from Jesus references, unless that is the only type of guy you are considering: the Jesus guy. Because I am spiritual and believe in God and some-variations of Jesus, might not mean I’m ready to be with a Jesus-girl. It’s okay if that’s the priority in your life. And if that’s the case, be sure and be up front about it. But if you’re simply saying, you like to go to church and pray. Leading with your faith, is a bit of a turn off.
- The words “drama” and “easy-going” are antonyms. But you don’t need to disclaim your dislike of drama. Who really looks for a “scene?” We’re all looking to make life a bit easier. And for some reason we’ve each turned to online dating to try and fill that last little, but critical, tidbit in our lives. The drama, or easy-going-ness will be apparent as you begin to engage with a potential date.
- Too recent in your divorce trajectory If you indicate you’re “recently” divorced, I know a lot of us are going to avoid getting involved. Who wants to experience all that turmoil. Call me when you’ve got a few years under your belt. I supposed the contrary is also possible, opportunists who see “recently divorced” as vulnerable and potential objects for bootie calls. The opposite is probably more likely. But if you did hookup with the newly un-married be ready for a lot of drama. The emotional roller coaster is real. I prefer for things to be a little more even keel.
- Too much “follow your bliss.” Yes divorce is a HUGE opportunity to re-invent yourself and rediscover your priorities in life. But if you’re too far out there in the “exploration” mode you’re probably ignoring some of the basics. Like: do you have a job, are you happy with your job, are you happy with your life, and what else do you do for fun. Too much “ready for the stars” language sets up an expectation of fireworks and flightiness.
Again, these are my opinions. I’ve stripped my OKCupid profile of a good portion of my story. I have the “telling” picture in my set. I’ve decided this time around NOT to answer any of the questions. This creates a 0% match, 0% friend, 0% enemy. And that’s okay. Often I found myself getting worked up, or intrigued by women’s answers to the questions. Really, I just want to get a good picture of who you are, what our potential might be, then I’d like to move towards meeting in person. All this dance before meeting is exhausting and not all that productive.
Finally, my current approach is to only pursue 100% awesome. If there are obvious flaws or misses in the categories above, then I’m out. NEXT.
And that’s also a problem. There are currently ZERO women of interest on my OKCupid radar. That’s okay, I’m more interested in the current rising star. (see: It’s About Time) But at the same time, I know it’s important to keep farming, keep looking for options and information about what I do and don’t want in my next relationship. That’s my part of the equation. Putting all of my eggs in any basket before the hatching begins is just bad farming.
Sincerely,
The Off Parent
< back to On Dating Again index
Resources:
- The Divorce Library (reading list)
- Songs of Divorce (free listening library – youtube sourced songs)
- Laugh It Off (building a resource library of funny videos and other diversions)
- Facebook (follow us on Facebook and keep up with all the conversations)
- The 5 Love Languages (a book on love styles by Gary Chapman)
endless running
[from Making Love To Other Women – poetry]
she opened her mouth like she opened her mind
i could not stay there
a language i did not warm up to
running, all this endless running
she was fit and pretty
and must have heard a similar discord
she paid, but didn’t return my texts
5-17-13
Here and Now: Touching Objects of Desire & Dating Younger Women
She’s talking and I can’t stop looking at her neck.
One of the women with potential is on the phone with me now (you can guess which one) and she’s talking talking talking about how much help she needs and how she doesn’t have time to get her stuff done. And she’s talking and talking. And I’m not that interested in what she’s talking about. All this talking, no necking.
The OKC woman and I had lunch yesterday and I was watching her neck. I had a longing as if I were a vampire watching the pulsing of her life. I could imagine the same pulsing when we were making love, this is the throat of orgiastic pleasure. She’s the one who sent me this text the day after we met for dinner.
I want to stop talking at some point. I want to be with someone and not have to talk about it. All the fking time.
There’s some talking that needs to happen, some goals and rules that need to be established. But if there’s no desire to kiss, it might be that there is very little kissing desire inside the person.
Case in point. I was with the OTHER woman of potential on Friday, during a window when both kids were away at friends’ houses, and we just hung out. But she was warm and touchable. She was close. She had cuddly all over her. Still no need to push in for kissing with her, but there was an implied closeness already. There was already touching.
If there’s no touching, it’s because TOUCH MIGHT NOT BE THEIR LOVE LANGUAGE, DUMMY.
Oh.
And the fact that a woman with potential number one really needs me to help her with a lot of techie stuff… Well, it’s starting to make me a bit tired. IF it weren’t someone I already knew, and if she hadn’t been making the connection effort (she is) then she’d be a goner.
As it is, I’m already cooling a bit on her prospects. She REALLY reminds me of my ex. Things need to be just right, or fit some perfect form, or comply with her schedule and will… Nope. Not gonna do that again.
So I’m not cutting her off. But I’m beginning to expand my viewpoint again. And what if this new OKC woman was a kisser and then nothing? Well, that’s okay. I’m chilling a little on the only 100% or it’s a waste of time.
The OKC woman is not an artist. She’s very much into her gym and running. And she’s cute as the devil and really easy to be with. So what if she’s just a cute and easy, nice girl? Do they HAVE to be writers? Do they HAVE to share cerebral gymnastics or linguistic karate?
I’m fascinated with the shape and vibrancy of her neck while she’s talking. We’re exchanging stories about exes and parents. And when we get the check she asks if she can pay. She’s made it quite clear that she makes good money and is happily supporting herself and her two dogs. And all I can think about is how it would feel to make her neck strain with excitement. I’m hungry, but we’ve just eaten. It’s a good feeling.
And she’s cute as a button. Cute. Fresh. Easy. And she’s asking me to kiss her. Um. Except in broad daylight. “It’s gonna have to be a night date,” she said, half-seriously. She had also let me know after the text above that we would NOT be kissing in a restaurant or any other type of PDA. She simply wasn’t into it. Okay, that’s fine. But she asked me, “But dude, wth? Thought you were gonna kiss me but you didn’t.”
She’s moving things forward nicely.
Note: We went out one more time. There was a little discussion about kissing and our potential fit. But things did not click for her without the addition of alcohol. She was still young, successful, and pretty. Not for me, however.
Sincerely,
The Off Parent
[Updating this post, August 2019: I was not interested in her for a relationship but more for the potential of casual sex. And even after a drink or two, I was in control enough to know that “this one is not for me.” I’m looking for a woman who is an intellectual equal. Often, this means closer to my age, but not always.]
< back to On Dating Again index
related posts:
- What’s the Worst That Could Happen?
- Top 5 First Date Tips for Women
- Beyond the Rush of Love
- Our Sexual Brain and the Lies it Tells Us
- Sex Rules: The Frequency, the Fun, and the Fantasy
resources:
- The Divorce Library (reading list)
- Songs of Divorce (free listening library – youtube sourced songs)
- Laugh It Off (building a resource library of funny videos and other diversions)
- Facebook (follow us on Facebook and keep up with all the conversations)
- The 5 Love Languages (a book on love styles by Gary Chapman)
Finding Adoration
Bringing sex into the picture can really complicate things. And when it’s an animal drive rather than a move of adoration, it’s something else. I’m not looking for animal sex with someone I don’t crave. I want to make love, the next time, to someone I simply adore. That’s the highest form of connection and adoration I can give. And I want to feel the loop going both ways. Like a circuit; there is a connection that lights up both people.
I was listening to a Doyle Bramhall II song in the car today when the lyric hit me.
You and me, we’ll wait to see the day come down.
Don’t go, sit here girl, let’s have a drink and watch the day come down.
Something about the longing in his voice and knowing that this record was a victory lap on his marriage to Lisa Melvoin, (of Wendy and Lisa fame) just struck me as appropriate. I want to watch the day go down with a woman, just be. Time together being relaxed and not pressured to do anything.
And then I imagine the sex becomes part of the passion and adoration that grows between us.
It seems to me, I’ve been trying to hard to FIND a girl friend. And what I learned yesterday, having a couple of hours hanging with the MIA woman with potential, was: it really is about the quality of the time together. The “feeling” you get. The unstoppable glow that wants to be fulfilled through the ultimate act of intimacy.
Sex is a spiritual act. And engaging in it should be a form of beauty and expression. When it becomes mechanical, or there’s a hint of boredom or duty, it’s done. I aspire to actually make love next time I’m with a woman. And until then “friends” are just fine. Now, kissing… That’s a bit less intimate and should be an indicator of the sensuousness in the relationship. But the intention should be there as well. So woman with potential might be over thinking, or she might just be really spiritual and going slow.
100% or just don’t waste your time.
Sincerely,
The Off Parent
< back to On Dating Again index
Resources:
- The Divorce Library (reading list)
- Songs of Divorce (free listening library – youtube sourced songs)
- Laugh It Off (building a resource library of funny videos and other diversions)
- Facebook (follow us on Facebook and keep up with all the conversations)
- The 5 Love Languages (a book on love styles by Gary Chapman)
+++ a Doyle Bramhall II song, live from my home town. The woman on the left, singing is Lisa, Doyle’s wife at the time, now divorced. Wendy is playing bass.
The Relationship Strategy: Moving Beyond Divorce
I’m kinda tired of writing about the ex-y. I’d like to walk away from this blog tomorrow and start the new chapter, the new symphony.
The other day, as I was waiting for one of the “women with potential” to show up, I wrote this Relationship Strategy list. Just like I would for an online marketing project I was taking on. Here I was, getting ready to hang out with this woman, and I’m designing the strategy for getting beyond dating and into relationship. I knew this wasn’t really just about her, it was a framework, that I was hoping would be trashed by passionate overtures. Um, I’m still waiting.
Let’s put these in text where you can read them.
1. Establish mutual connection 2. Spend time together - learn + listen - experience life - be yourselves - how does it feel? 3. Learn each other's relating style 4. Define love language 5. All good? Add kissing if you want to 6. Kissing may lead to lovemaking
That’s it. Pretty simple. The part that’s not simple is negotiating and navigating the process with someone who is terrified of moving down the list. Or maybe inexperienced at deep relating.
And a question I am asking myself in regards to the woman who is at least present is, “Can the crazy unbridled passion still be unlocked when kissing, etc. comes into play?” Because if it’s all cerebral and calm and calculated, I’m concerned she might not ever light up.
But I am committed to seeing this woman off the planet of over thinking and into something. I’m not sure it will be kissing me, but hey… I’m still interested. (stay tuned)
The second “woman with potential” has gone missing. We’ve exchanged messages and a few potential schedules, and she’s chilled them each time. I’m not surprised, as she seemed to have a much more complete life. I am about to ask her about “holding on loosely, vs. pursuit.” I have the feeling she prefers to be in complete control. And again, if I fit in, great. If not, she didn’t really NEED a relationship in the first place.
Are adults often stuck in this model of relating? I love the idea of independence I’m just understanding the value and risk at giving up my solitude and semi-unlimited creative time. But it’s not where I want to end up. I aspire to be in a connected relationship. And part of that connectedness is having a partner who wants to be deeply connected as well.
Sincerely,
The Off Parent
< back to On Dating Again index
related posts:
- The Sensual and the Sexual
- What’s the Worst That Could Happen?
- Our Sexual Brain and the Lies it Tells Us
- Sex Rules: The Frequency, the Fun, and the Fantasy
resources:
- The Divorce Library (reading list)
- Songs of Divorce (free listening library – youtube sourced songs)
- Laugh It Off (building a resource library of funny videos and other diversions)
- Facebook (follow us on Facebook and keep up with all the conversations)
- The 5 Love Languages (a book on love styles by Gary Chapman)
On The Planet of Over Thinking: Sublimating Desire
It was a moment of frustration for her. I could see her facial expression even though I was driving. “What do you mean when you keep saying ‘over thinking?’ It sounds a bit like a criticism.”
This time we were not discussing the theory of adult relationships, we were talking about the concept of a mastermind group. (No relationship to the cultish pay-to-play Mastermind(tm) process.) In this concept I was sharing with her about how getting a couple “cherry picked” people together for mutual sharing and accountability can have a great effect on your growth. She loved the idea.
But immediately something changed in her version. And I found myself trying to offer different approaches and kept coming back to exactly what worked for HER.
Aside: Walking this morning Aimme Mann sang a line that really seemed to resonate with me. “I know love doesn’t change anything at all. I know love doesn’t change a thing.” And this line seemed to speak to something I was feeling about this “mastermind” encounter.
|
“Because kissing or sex leads to more time.” She said. “The desire for more time. And I guess I’m just not there yet.”
|
What I kept saying to her was, “The character of the group will define the goals and cadence. It’s fine to set up your goals and expectations, but each individual will come to the first meeting with their own ideas and needs.”
Some how she didn’t want to hear that.
“But Sunday is the only day that would work for me,” she said.
“That’s fine. And I do think you need to get your expectations and goals in place, but I don’t think you need to over think it.”
Boom.
“What do you mean by that?”
And here’s the way Aimee Mann’s line struck me this morning, as I was reflecting on my explanation.
“Well, you can do your part to get your plans and desires in place. That is necessary for you to even want to attempt setting up the group. BUT, the group will be redefined by the people who show up. Each of them will have expectations and needs as well. I was saying to get your needs and ask in order, but then be open to the asks and needs of the group you assemble. Because everyone brings their own issues and ideas to the group.”
Somehow I felt like I was defending my position. Or defending the idea of “over thinking.” But that’s not what it felt like. In reflection today, what it felt like, is I was encountering an inflexible approach to relationships. She has a concept of how this mastermind group can serve her, and how it would fit into HER needs.
Um.
Perhaps that’s where I am with her. Seeing how I fit into her needs. If it’s Saturday that I can be worked in, if that’s all she has available, well, who am I to argue with that. I did use the word over thinking in our conversation the night before as we were comparing relationship notes.
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In over thinking the idea of being in a relationship, I am beginning to understand a bit more about how this woman likes to control her life. If it fits for HER then it can happen. And at this moment, she’s not sure.
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Sometimes you need to let go of the plans and strategies and just kiss. Or in the terms of the mastermind process, just convene the best group of people you can manage and see what happens. THE GROUP will have a dynamic and need of its own. As a relationship between two people is more dependant on the two people that show up and the MIX or FLEXIBILITY of those people, more than the PLAN or FIT in a schedule.
I seem to have been doing a lot of explaining, and sublimating desire to say how patient I am. And all we’re talking about is kissing. Sure, it’s the gateway to everything else, but it IS A BIT MESSY. There’s no plan or strategy that will explain or prepare you for the kiss. As there is no containing the flow of feelings when sexual passion gets ignited.
But if there’s a control plan that won’t let anything move forward without further investigation, well, maybe the problem is the investigation. In over thinking the idea of being in a relationship, I am beginning to understand a bit more about how this woman likes to control her life. If it fits for HER then it can happen. And at this moment, she’s not sure.
But it’s not just HER agenda that needs to be served.
I was trying in my subtle ways to say, hey a kiss is just a kiss. Let’s try it. See what happens. But she was having none of it. And she said something at the breakfast table about what she WAS looking for.
“Because kissing or sex leads to more time. The desire for more time. And I guess I’m just not there yet.”
Oh, maybe after the “400 dates“, or maybe not.
Um, maybe not. (Hello OKCupid.)
Sincerely,
The Off Parent
< back to On Dating Again index
related posts:
- Fractured Women: Learning About Boundaries in Dating
- All Kinds of Women and the Sparks of Desire
- More Sexual Signals, Online Dating Thoughts & Self-Observations
- Dating Tips for Modern Adults: Texts, Facebook, Profiles, Phonecalls
resources:
- The Divorce Library (reading list)
- Songs of Divorce (free listening library – youtube sourced songs)
- Laugh It Off (building a resource library of funny videos and other diversions)
- Facebook (follow us on Facebook and keep up with all the conversations)
- The 5 Love Languages (a book on love styles by Gary Chapman)
+++
And here’s the Aimee Mann song with the line about love doesn’t change a thing – Phoenix
+++
And another song about arriving at 31 as a woman, still trying to figure out life – 31 Today
caught some guy I knew
had a drink or two
and we fumbled as the day grew dark
i pretended that I felt a spark…
Relationship Chemistry or Heat? Are We Losing Charge or Building Up Energy?
It’s a fine distinction, but I’m trying to understand the current pressure I’m feeling. There is an uncomfortableness that I’m starting to be aware of. When I am imagining is that my energy and desire is spinning up in some sort of charging capacity, that I am energized and looking for a connection to light up. The opposite might be true. Perhaps I am losing the glow and confidence of the connection with GF 1 and I’m starting to wind down and believe less in myself and the trajectory of patience and calm.
I confess, today I started a new OKCupid profile, with new pictures and a very simplified description and “seeking” outline. It was triggered partially by a conversation I was having with one of the two women on my current radar scope.
I was telling her, maybe trying to convince myself at the same time, how patient I was and how happy I was at building the friendship part before testing the kissing and beyond aspects. And then I listened to her response.
For a moment I imagined she was telling me why she was still looking on OKCupid. I don’t think that’s what she said, but what I heard was, I’m just not that sure I’m that into you, and I’m more comfortable getting to know you “over the next 400 dates before we move things forward. I don’t want to make another mistake.” She laughed as she said the “400” was just a joke.
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She does not have the awareness of wanting to be loved. She’s just fine, take it or leave it, with being touched and affectionate with someone. Me, for example.
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Then something remarkable happened. I took her to a party she was making an appearance at, I offered to accompany her there… And a woman there, again that ONE WOMAN IN THE CROWD, was so stunningly sensuous and alluring that I could’ve imagined trying one of those stupid stunts, “Hi, you are so beautiful, I’d like to …” But I didn’t. But I wanted to.
And something in my reptilian brain connected with that sensuous power and looked back at this beautiful and intelligent woman I was standing with, and I registered a miss. I don’t mind patience and pacing. In fact, my recent events have me quoting the idea rather frequently. But when I saw this woman, and I watched her speak to another woman, I was fascinated by her attraction.
What I seemed to connect with was the pull towards her, towards something, the idea of her. And what I realized with this woman I was with, I was really having to do a lot of talking about why the sexual pull or uncontrollable passion was a thing that could be dipped into at will, between two caring and trusting adults.
Huh?
But there’s something missing with this woman.
She does not have the awareness of wanting to be loved. She’s just fine, take it or leave it, with being touched and affectionate with someone. Me, for example. It’s okay with her that we’re not really touching. I’m putting out my hand and guiding her in crowds occasionally, I’m touching her arm when I want to make a point about physical contact. But the “resonance” that I’m looking for is not happening. It’s not a cerebral thing. And the more I find I’m talking up a blue streak about how “taking it slow” is fine with me, the more I feel like I’m beginning to build up excuses for why she isn’t CRAVING anything.
I guess, I am beginning to understand that I am craving. I am hungry for touch. The kissing girl was an example of how open I am to letting the passion take hold. And while she was the wrong woman, there was a part of her that ignited my passion and she responded back with passion.
This woman is not not responding. But her responses are about calculations and “what she might be looking for.” I don’t know what it takes to light someone up, but if it’s not happening, it might not ever happen.
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If we are two honest and centered adults, perhaps it’s possible to enter into a relationship and exit the relationship without anyone getting hurt.
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I’ll pause here and take a breath. I’m not abandoning either of these aloof superstar women. (Uh oh, that’s a phrase that echos GF 1’s statement that I’m drawn to emotionally unavailable women.) But at the same time, I’m feeling the need to put the sail back in the air. And if the woman in the party today, were present at a function where I was not accompanied by a “date” I am sure I would’ve been compelled to make an introduction. Without the pressure of the pickup line, of course, but with a clear, across-the-room-attraction confidence that she just might have been looking for.
I have been very direct with this woman. I have told her several times where I stand. And today I found myself making the case, for an idea that came to me last night, again after an extended discussion about why-how-and-if we were heading towards a relationship.
I want it to be easy. If we are two honest and centered adults, perhaps it’s possible to enter into a relationship and exit the relationship without anyone getting hurt.
What I explained to this woman over breakfast was, “I’m certain that we will be friends for a long time to come, regardless of where this relationship stuff goes. And if you were to call me in six months to accompany you to a party or some other function, I would gladly go. Because I enjoy spending time with you, and we seem to have a mutual compatibility. My recent experience leads me to believe, that we could add “kissing” in at any time, to see how that fit.”
At some point you need to jump in and test the waters. Another point I made, “What if you spent all this time to “know” someone and when you finally got around to making love it was awful? That would really suck.”
We laughed.
I want heat. I want chemistry that becomes unavoidable. If this woman is so in control of her emotions and physical needs that she can be with me for hours and hours without finally wanting to cross the threshold of touch or kissing, well… Perhaps her love language is something else. Probably. (bummer)
Sincerely,
John McElhenney – life coach austin texas
Facebook | Instagram | Pinterest | @theoffparent
As a certified life coach, I’ve been helping men and women find fulfilling relationships. If you’d like to chat for 30-minutes about your dating/relationship challenges, I always give the first 30-session away for free. LEARN ABOUT COACHING WITH JOHN. There are no obligations to continue. But I get excited every time I talk to someone new. I can offer new perspectives and experiences from my post-divorce dating journey. Most of all, I can offer hope.
< back to On Dating Again index
related posts:
- What Are the Big Relationship Questions After Divorce?
- Whole Adult Beings: Knowing Ourselves, Knowing What We Won’t Compromise
- Here and Now: Touching Objects of Desire
- Unavailable Women of Desire
resources:
- The Divorce Library (reading list)
- Songs of Divorce (free listening library – youtube sourced songs)
- Laugh It Off (building a resource library of funny videos and other diversions)
- Facebook (follow us on Facebook and keep up with all the conversations)
- The 5 Love Languages (a book on love styles by Gary Chapman)
image: green girls, vogue magazine, creative commons usage
she believed in kissing
[from Making Love To Other Women – poetry]
she opened her mouth so wide i fell inside
and kisses slipped us into a dreamlike state
i was open and aware and allowing the momentum
we careened along the tracks like a train without brakes
and she sounded the alarm
or at least alerted the brakeman
we slowed without any major damage
but the pause was enough
i was grateful
she was a fantastic kisser
she believed in kissing
so did i
and she held many of the qualities I wanted
or said I wanted
i did not prepare for a boarding of my train
when she began unpacking her bags
and getting ready to join my sleeping car
i knew that we needed more than the attention of the brakeman
i called an emergency stop
she protested
she cajoled
she made me feel tired
i was not ready for a showdown
i did not want to force anyone off the train
i was not aware of selling or giving tickets
she taught me the sacred art of kissing
she thrilled and laughed and was hurt
when I asked her to leave
i was not prepared to put up a fight
i was also not prepared to allow a forced boarding
i left her standing at the station
she called out and waved
she said wonderful things and then angry things
she would not be boarding the train any time soon
or ever
but her kisses will be missed
and the heavy moment of having to hurt someone else
for any reason
even if the reason is self-preservation
she opened her mouth
and i danced on her tongue
and found myself lost inside her
and when i woke up
when i saw the baggage she was bringing
i
stopped
the
train
and
let
her
off
4-29-13
Not Obeying the Speed Limits, Enjoying the Daily Journey
Coming home from the movie, I noticed how hard it is for me to drive the speed limit. I think I have that tendency in relationships too. (This post continues the story started here: Go Big This Time, or Go Home)
In the most recent installment, we learned that kissing can make quick work of the intimacy that usually has to be built up over time. So my warning, to myself, obey the speed limits. With good reason the kissy girl slowed the “runaway train down” so we could figure out what relationship might look like before we tore each other’s clothes off and dove head first into sex.
Turns out, even with less than a week under our belt, the kissing had formed a bond for her that was less easily loosened than maybe if we had not lip locked so quickly. I have no regrets about that. But I learn.
It was hard tonight, telling her, repeating, and reframing the proposition that I wasn’t interested in a relationship with her. “That’s fine, but I thought we could just hang out and not rush into anything.”
Needless to say she was confused and disappointed. And she was convinced that I had not handled the situation as well as I could. Fine points, I guess, as you are in the middle of a breaking up with someone, but let’s take them at face value.
“You could’ve told me the second you knew something wasn’t working for you,” she said. “In stead of dragging it out over the last three days.” Okay, but I tried. My txt “I’m not ready to be in this relationship,” wasn’t clear enough. I can hear that. But I didn’t really have any clear time to deal with this discussion, until today. And in my mind, I was still figuring it out. I had the idea that meeting in person to say it might be a better approach.
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And speeding up the process for sex, or passion, or kissing, is not a good idea. I want the relating to be ahead of the feeling. I want the experience of being “with” this person to be something coveted and sacred long before we make love.
|
I said. “I did try to say that I was having second thoughts.” And I mentioned the idea of the other person not having kids, and thus not quite understanding the “kid thing,” was an issue. But I was not clear at that moment, that I was saying NO to everything.
“Still you left me hanging all day. What were those texts about?”
She had texted me earlier in the day to discuss plans for the evening. She had asked for flirting. I didn’t give that. “When we talked on the phone, I was trying to be clear. BUT, I had back to back meetings most of the day. It wasn’t until six this evening that I was really clear enough to have this conversation, clearly and definitively. But I’m clear about it now.”
Okay, so the drama is over. She has gotten the picture. I’m done. I’m not interested in hanging out and “having some fun together.” And I’m certain that I was not prepared to kiss again. Not even a little bit. The drug of even that is a powerful enough to cloud my clear thinking.
It’s hard. It’s messy. And I do give her the point that I jumped right up to the passion play pretty quickly after we met. It was a mutual thing, but I did do my part to fuel the fantasy. And then I saw the New Girl. And it became very clear, I was trying to justify or rationalise the relationship with KG and I wasn’t even in the ball park.
Seeing this “ideal” woman, who DID in fact show up in full regalia and say, “So are you checking me out?” She is most certainly still in the projected fantasy mode, but this time she and I are clear the slow pace is more important than the passion play. Well, at least that’s how she explained it to me.
“I’m not really big into passion. I’m not looking to fall madly in love with someone,” she said, yesterday on our walk.
“You’re not into passion?” I asked.
“Not at all. It’s just, I’m just more fixated on regular life. Sometimes all that passion, that stuff we were so high on when we were in our twenties, some how that’s not all that important to me, or how real life is.”
“Yes, I can see that. I lost my priorities when the big passion came on with my ex-wife. I let go of some of the things I now see were critical path for me.”
We sat in that moment. We rubbed her dog’s belly. We drank our Topo Chico. We enjoyed the moment.
She showed me her hands. “I want to be more like this,” she opened her hand, palm up. “Rather than this,” she flipped her hand and gripped the table. I agreed and took her hand in mine. Just for a minute we sat and held hands.
Then she volunteered, “When I say my vows again. I want it to be something like this. ‘I would like to spend the rest of my life with you, and we can be together.”
“I can see that.” I said. She was echoing my definition of beauty, that I had articulated in our first “lunch.”
The key words, the key idea, “for the rest of my life” resonated brightly with me.
That commitment does not allow for “almost” or compromise. Not at this point in my life. I don’t want to spend a single night in “almost.” I’d rather be alone. But I don’t want to be alone. So I have to look for the “rest of my life” girl.
And speeding up the process for sex, or passion, or kissing, is not a good idea. I want the relating to be ahead of the feeling. I want the experience of being “with” this person to be something coveted and sacred long before we make love. Kissing, maybe sooner than that. I mean, as I learned, kissing is a pretty powerful opening.
|
It’s a big journey. But the next relationship is the biggest one of my life. And I want the mundane to be ecstatic simply because we are doing them together.
|
But even that has no business being hurried. When GF 1.0 kissed me on the first date, I was swept up in the moment. And while that ended reasonably well, and even today’s Kissing Girl went away without a mortal wound, it was difficult and tiresome. We have a finite amount of energy, and I intend to use as much of it as I can, and use it wisely.
So, for me, I’m going to throttle down the runaway train, and be more conscious of the “being” together rather than the rush. I felt the rush with NG, right away. Seeing her, being with her, and the moment she asked me the telling question, I felt a thrill at even being inside her house. I had thought about her before.
So now we are in the micro-crush phase. We take small steps. We look and evaluate our compatibility on innumerable levels. How do they deal with disappointments even in this stage. How do you let them know of a change in plans? How frequently is contact desired, initiated, responded to? It’s all a microcosm of real life.
I really like the idea, of “being together” and letting the other stuff fall into place. Certainly I’d be sad if I didn’t think there would be BIG PASSION again. Because I can see how with the build and desire that I have already for NG, it would be HUGE, it will be HUGE if we kiss. And even BIGGER if we made love. But I want to experience every single nuance of the build between now and then. And I want to keep on experiencing the little steps of awakening excitement on through the “rest of our lives” together.
It’s a big journey. But the next relationship is the biggest one of my life. And I want the mundane to be ecstatic simply because we are doing them together. Idealistic? Perhaps. But I’m clear on one thing. Almost is NOT ENOUGH.
When poetry and song are part of the equation even before we’ve really started, all I can say, is we’re off to a great start. Even if the fantasy is still just mine, at this point, let’s see how the reality develops before my very eyes.
Update: In a short email KG said she was sorry. She asked, “Friends?” Here’s my response.
You are bright and beautiful. And I wish you all the best in your search. But I don’t think I can be friends.
Sincerely,
The Off Parent
< back to On Dating Again index
related posts:
- Burn the Maps!
- Little Turnoffs: On a First Date with a Woman
- Aqua y besos: How Do We Gain So Much Energy from Love?
- The Sensual and the Sexual
resources:
- The Divorce Library (reading list)
- Songs of Divorce (free listening library – youtube sourced songs)
- Laugh It Off (building a resource library of funny videos and other diversions)
- Facebook (follow us on Facebook and keep up with all the conversations)
- The 5 Love Languages (a book on love styles by Gary Chapman)
Making Love to Parker Posey
So let’s say SHE does show up. The uber woman. Arrives fully outfitted for your bullshit and dressed to the nines. She’s unafraid, but she has some demands she needs to lay down first. In my mind, Parker Posey has some of the best and worst qualities you’d want in a girlfriend. Of course, she doesn’t want to be your girlfriend or even acknowledge the relationship, and that’s okay if that’s how she wants it.
The woman shows up, she’s ready to load her bags on to your train… and… wait a minute? What am I supposed to do about losing my reclaimed alone time, I talk so much about? What ARE the parameters you’re willing to move and compromise on IF SHE DID SHOW UP.
Even after all the searching and fretting and imagining, she has not yet shown up. The near miss this week, still being slowly put back in the “friends” box, was the first wake up call I’ve had since the divorce, that showed me a new problem.
I LOVE MY ALONE TIME.
I’m not afraid to say it. I’m not ready for someone to ask to be with me on every night I don’t have my kids. I flat out, can’t do that. I suppose eventually I’d live with someone again, and that would be the result, but that’s not a goal of mine. In fact, some of the struggles in my marriage was between me and the ex-y around how much time I could spend writing or playing music. It was WE time I was sacrificing to make ME time. Now, with the rules all TBD, I’d best be considering the best case scenario, so I can guide my wishes in that direction.
My friend said, “She has a rich and full life of her own.” And that has some resonance. But would a relationship with PP be any fun? And it hit me. For the first time in my post-marriage relationship experience, I actually had to say to someone, “You need to slow your roll.” (Not in those actual words.)
A full circle from the first CONNECT in an online dating session that ended with the woman giving me her number and suggesting we could just “hang out” sometime. I was thrilled. She was so easy. We talked and gazed across the margaritas dreamily. I went home and wrote down what I was feeling.
And then I shared it. (Oops.) It freaked her out. And not just a little. It freaked her out a lot. And she never agreed to meet me again. Ever.
Today I sort of get it. This woman, KG (kissy girl) is ready to usurp all available bandwidth. And it’s up to me to draw that boundary. While I’ve already decided that KG is not the next relationship for me, it was quite an awareness to learn that IF SHE HAD BEEN, I would not have been prepared. If it had been Parker Posey and she had said, “So what are you doing with the rest of your life?” I’d a flipped out.
Walking my kissing relationship back to no relationship is going to be a bit of a trick. I don’t like to be mean or misleading. And I KNOW that she is not going to be right for me. (See: The Church of Kisses) But worse would be to try and limp along without letting her know it’s a MISS for me.
I did talk to her on the phone today. She had begun to freak a bit that I hadn’t called her back by 11:30 this Saturday morning. I didn’t want to call anyone back. I was here doing a project with my son. I felt a bit of an intrusion from a woman I met a week ago who was now demanding that I call her back so we can talk about “What’s up.” ACK.
The good news, the saving grace, I think in this case, was that she had slowed the runaway train that was heading towards sex. The kissing was great. The sex… well, that’s part of the problem. I have no intention of making love to this woman. And that’s the part I need to let her know.
The conversation this afternoon went something like, “Okay, what’s freaked you out?” and “We can talk about anything. If you just let me know what’s going on.”
Um, a rude me would’ve said, “It’s not me it’s you. I just don’t want to make love to you, ever.” But I didn’t. I set a parameter around my time. Giving us some cooling off time. (I didn’t see her yesterday and won’t see her today or tomorrow.) By Monday, my intention is to tell her, I’m not moving forward with an US in any shape or form. I don’t need a friend. I don’t need someone else who’s interested in my time. I need the ONE PERSON who I’m willing to give my most precious asset to, ME.
The poem from yesterday (travel together) came from a chance lunch meeting with an old acquaintance. And you know what… I almost sent it to her. Talk about SLOW YOUR FKIN ROLL! I am so glad I didn’t’.
Bottom Line: It’s okay to have wildly romantic fantasies. And it’s okay to project some of those into the marketplace of relationships. That’s what keeps us going in spite of the failures and long odds. And it’s really okay to fall madly in love with someone, when you vetted out as many of the “must haves” as you can.
My new must-have: “How much time is enough? How much time am I willing to give? How will I push back when I need time alone?”
So this idea of always leaving them wondering a bit, hungry for the next contact, sort of makes sense. While NG (new girl) and I have known each other for 15 years or so, we’ve never really been friends. She illuminated that yesterday when she said, “We’ve been acquaintances, but not friends. You’ve never shared with me like you did today.”
And so the spark is present. Great. Now it’s time to take it easy. Don’t press forward into sex, or trying to define what’s going to happen or how it should be. Let it be easy. (I’m repeating this so that it works like a mantra to soothe the excitement in me, about crossing paths with NG at just this moment.)
Slow your roll. There is no need, during this initialization phase, when projections should be measured against reality, to hurry things along. Savor each step. Stop occasionally and ask, “Is this enough?”
Then when you see Parker Posey again, you can tell her how you’ve missed her, craved her, and wished you could spend more time with her. And she is able to say or not say the same thing. And that’s the dance. When the other person begins unpacking their bags too soon, even if the bags have magical treasures, it’s scary. And it’s too soon. Let the mystery unfold in time. Don’t rip at each other at the first chance. There are too many subtleties that need to be addressed BEFORE you MAKE LOVE or HAVE SEX.
Too many fantasies to balance against reality. If you’re already deeply addicted to the sex juice it’s going to be hard to pull back. With KG I think I caught my error early enough. With NG I hope I have not already pressed too far with my outreach via txt. Thank god I kept my poem in my pants.
She’s waiting. She’s thinking. I am a mystery. Let’s slowly unpack some of our things and compare notes along the way. We are complex systems. And for our constellations to align, it will take some delicate maneuverings We don’t want to repeat the past mistakes. And in my case, I don’t want to let beauty overwhelm and bypass my fundamental requirements.
Sincerely,
The Off Parent
< back to On Dating Again index
Resources:
- The Divorce Library (reading list)
- Songs of Divorce (free listening library – youtube sourced songs)
- Laugh It Off (building a resource library of funny videos and other diversions)
- Facebook (follow us on Facebook and keep up with all the conversations)
- The 5 Love Languages (a book on love styles by Gary Chapman)
travel together
[from Making Love To Other Women – poetry]
when she trained her blue eyes on me and asked
“are you checking me out?”
i knew i had been snagged
at a game i most definitely wanted to be caught at
and she smiled
“yes”
she wanted to know how she’d done
and her eyes matched her blue shirt
and her smile revved the tempo of my heart
for a beat
“you did quite well, i mean…”
the words are not what escaped me
i paused to slow down and savor the moment
“i was”
and though there was distance and a table between us
we were pressed as close together as we’d ever been
“i’ve discovered that adoration is what grows
over time… and that may be what love is for me…
adoration”
breathing
“and were you checking me out?”
“not when you first arrived…
not until I saw that you were checking me out…”
guide rails: physical touch and emotional depth
unexplainable chemistry: “I could look at you forever”
and when all concepts and frameworks fail
there
then
develops the opportunity
to travel together
begin
4-19-13
Girlfriend 2.0 Startup Initialization Sequence: Step 1: Kissing
She showed up to our “coffee date” with a text about a bottle of wine and two glasses she had brought along, in case. We had already been taking, texting, about kissing. It was midday on a sparkling Saturday afternoon.
I had chosen the Starbucks near a small park to give us a place to go walk, should the initial greeting prove promising. I think she had brought up kissing first. We’d already had two phone dates: calls lasting in excess of 30 minutes accented with many laughs and touch points. “Kissing is another way to get to know somebody.” I was ready for a really good kisser.
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There’s a lot to kissing. How you give and receive. What pressure and forcefulness you exhibit. Can you change the pace to be soft and hesitant and then reverse into a crushing hug-fueled kiss?
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“You are tall,” I said, right on cue as we were leaving Starbucks, there were no seats anyway. It was on her dating profile that people often commented on how tall she was. She was exactly my height. I guess, she still is, exactly my height.
(Jumpcut ahead to now: 7 hours after seeing her for a second kissing date, I can still smell her perfume/lotion on me. It’s as if she’s still with me. It’s an odd sensation. Perhaps like a pheromone cat-like thing. I’m marked. And I can imagine what it might be like if she was lying in the bed with me instead of halfway across town.)
This time around, I’ve added the little bit in my online dating profile, that I want them to be awesome. That average and mediocre won’t cut it. This woman, GF 2.0, is all that. She’s confident and eloquent irreverent in just the right places, she does a great job at being funny and laughing at my subtle and not so subtle humor. And her college and career have set us up to have a myriad of things to talk about. And she’s a great talker.
She’s also a great kisser. I have to say I was unsure at our first date, with the wine. I was perhaps too hurried, too surprised, to anticipatory. But we made plans about 5 hours later to meet again. And this time, with time and the early Spring night unfolding above us, we kissed. And kissed.
I’m trying to organize my thoughts around what this depth of kissing means. Of what signals our brains and bodies are giving and receiving during prolonged lip lock. I ventured to say something about it while we were taking a conversational pause. “I’m guessing this kind of kissing tells a lot about how a person makes love.”
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Given the right startup sequence, I’m pretty sure GF 2.0 is nearby, and maybe already kissing the life back into my belief in sensuousness as a core driver for connection.
|
The anticipation and yearning for that event is now filled with this pre-dating information of kissing. Even before we’re able to really fathom the potential of the “relationship” we are well versed in the other’s kissing style. And kissing, with someone who likes to kiss… Well, it’s an amazing thing.
There’s a lot to kissing. How you give and receive. What pressure and forcefulness you exhibit. Can you change the pace to be soft and hesitant and then reverse into a crushing hug-fueled kiss? And if it paints any picture of future connective activities, I can say, we kiss really well. And I’m not sure I’ve started with that.
Well, I’m pretty sure when we I was pre-coitus with the ex-y we just about broke our lips off kissing. But it had less intention than this. It was more hunger and passion fueled. This kissing, yesterday’s kissing, seems more about getting to learn about the other person. I texted to her, tonight, after I was trying to come down from the high, “Kissing you is like a gateway drug.”
If it’s possible to bottle up this early enthusiasm, and joy at being together, and hold on to some of it for the duration of the relationship, well, there might be no end. And I said, midway into our second kissing date, “Let’s always remember how important kissing is.”
Now the rest of the initialization sequence is being mapped out in my head. 1. more kissing; 2. more time looking and conversing; 3. navigating the details of how we will have our first “in-home” encounter; 4. luxuriating in the pre-during-post experience of love making; 5. setting plans for the next time; 6. trying to modulate how quickly you allow yourself to entwine your lives, now completely you let yourself submerge.
Of course, there is still girl #3, who returns to town in a few days, with some pre-wiring from our history together pre-marriage, pre-kids. And she is a rockstar woman. Holding out a pause, and allowing for that potential to remain, is a nice place to be. In the flow. In my own power. With a bit of my farming and hard work paying off.
Spring is here. And perhaps there is some giddiness in all of us. We want to be blooming too.
Given the right startup sequence, I’m pretty sure GF 2.0 is nearby, and maybe already kissing the life back into my belief in sensuousness as a core driver for connection.
If I were to assess my current requirements for GF 2.0 they would be: 1. ability to express affection through touch (love language: touch); 2. ability to feel and express deep emotion; 3. the spark of sexual chemistry that turns up the fire in my heart.
One thing is for sure, the girl I am kissing at the moment, is very much in my constellation for becoming my next “relationship.” Dating seems to denote, temporary, casual, without intention. And while that has its place, and the “field” of women seems to be opening slightly for me, I’m not really looking to DATE. I keep telling myself that.
But I have never had the experience of being able to go deep with someone while having another person in the wings. And depth is absolutely what I crave. Ah, and the last requirement: 4. adoration. It seems to me this is the part that grows and is discovered over time. While my first girlfriend adored me like I’ve never been adored before, there was the tiny spark missing. Something. And the experience of missing that, was the experience of not being able to reflect and resonate with that same adoration.
So maybe that’s what LOVE is for me. Finding the person I can adore. The sexual chemistry either happens or doesn’t happen upon meeting. But the adoration is what builds over time to become mutual, exclusive, and intoxicating.
I’m plotting my next kissing session for today.
Sincerely,
The Off Parent
< back to On Dating Again index
Resources:
- The Divorce Library (reading list)
- Songs of Divorce (free listening library – youtube sourced songs)
- Laugh It Off (building a resource library of funny videos and other diversions)
- The 5 Love Languages
(book about how love relationships work)
Sex Without Desire Is More Like Porn Than Lovemaking
Maybe the term lovemaking actually does have a deeper meaning. In looking into the eyes of someone you are making love to, you want to see them looking back, and actually seeing you. The first time the ex-y returned my passionate gaze with the what’s-taking-so-long look, I knew we were not connecting. My arousal died in that moment. She had already had her orgasm. So I was okay with not having one myself. But..
It was a shocking moment for me. Like waking up in your marriage to discover she never really enjoyed sex that much anyway. While I don’t think that was the case with the ex-y, the moment we were locked in the throes of a stolen kid-free afternoon and I detected boredom in her eyes I was toast. I didn’t care about finishing. We were done. Or… More accurately, she was done.
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This might have spelled the end more clearly than I understood. She didn’t want sex. She fought about sex. She complained about how I asked for sex.
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In looking for that mix of love and sex it’s important to know what kinds of things turn us on and what kinds of things turn us off. Over time we learn these things about ourselves, and with a partner, we begin to learn them about the JOIN in our lovemaking. That’s where the LOVE is. It’s in having sex with the same person, knowing their ticklish spots, and their erotic zones so you can play their bodies like a nicely tuned guitar. That was my approach, anyway.
Having sex is a special event. It can be either casual and recreational, in which case, perhaps the “caring” and “love” part plays a lesser role. But a recent study on current sexual trends points us the other direction, towards intimacy, for better sex.
The Huffington Post picked up a Glamour story with the title: Hot Sex Includes Trust For 87 Percent Of Women, Says Survey. Interesting point, however, is MEN actually reported higher scores on wanting trust to fuel great sex. “The vast majority of men (95 percent) also agreed that an emotional connection makes a sexual experience more satisfying, and both genders said they cared more about satisfying their partner than themselves.” I guess, since it’s a woman’s magazine, the HER angle is more relevant, but the men seem to be catching on. Sex with someone you really want to be with is MUCH better than just sex.
And then there’s that little snippet at the end. “Both genders said they cared more about satisfying their partner than themselves.” UM, what?
I know this is how I feel. And how I felt on that day, 4 or so years ago, when my then-wife actually had chores or bills on her mind while I was in the process of making, or attempting to make, love to her. There was very little in her thoughts about satisfying me. She was done with her part and was simply waiting for me to finish.
This might have spelled the end more clearly than I understood. She didn’t want sex. She fought about sex. She complained about how I asked for sex. She always got off when we had sex, but she had started not-caring about the LOVE in the experience. And that was a deal killer, both in the moment and in our marriage.
Sincerely,
The Off Parent
Note: And at the very moment I saved this post, my phone dings and it shows I have a new email on Match.com. Tigermom333 has sent me an email. And even before I open the message, looking at a postage stamp sized image of her, I can see we are not even close to being a match. And someone might want to clue her in on picking a user name. ACK!
< back to On Dating Again index
related posts:
- Sex Rules: The Frequency, the Fun, and the Fantasy
- Browsable Women: The Three Hells of Online Dating
- Relationships and Dating Are A Bit Like Space Travel
- Blinding Desire
- Learning About “I Need You” vs. “I Want You”
resources:
- The Divorce Library (reading list)
- Songs of Divorce (free listening library – youtube sourced songs)
- Laugh It Off (building a resource library of funny videos and other diversions)
- Facebook (follow us on Facebook and keep up with all the conversations)
- The 5 Love Languages (a book on love styles by Gary Chapman)
Huffington Post Link: Hot Sex Includes Trust For 87 Percent Of Women
The Hierarchy of Needs: Sex and the Hookup Culture
At the base of Maslow’s Hierarchy of needs, comes the things we need for survival. Things I associate with that are food, shelter, water, sleep. I was surprised when a friend shared with me that sex was indeed part of the base needs. What?
So what is it about sex is the required for our survival? Aside from procreation.
Today a post on The Atlantic about our youth’s “Hookup Culture” caught my attention and my comment. Here’s what I wrote on the subject of sex and hooking up.
+++
Very nice summary of two trains of thought and your own place somewhere in the middle. Thank you for your honesty and clarity in your own pride and prejudice.
I think HBO’s GIRLS has the current generations MO down pretty close. Of course, I’m on the outside looking in, but the show’s currency can’t be argued.
So where is SEX in our growth trajectory as humans? It’s pretty a base-level need according to Mazlow’s Hierarchy. So we’ve all got to come to terms with it. Some earlier, I was a freshman in high school (home from prep school on Christmas break) when I lost my virginity to a girl a grade ahead of me, who came out and said, during the memorable event, that she was unable to achieve orgasm so “Just enjoy yourself.” I did. But it was sort of sad.
And jump cut to today, I just turned 50 and I’m single again for the first time in 12 years, I’ve got two kids, and… guess what? Sex and dating are no easier now then they were back in college. Well, let me take that back. It’s a lot easier establishing my priorities and boundaries and trying to understand what I will or won’t put up with in a relationship, but… the sex? Well, as Thomas Moore says in The Soul of Sex, “sex is one of the last mysteries left to us.” And as a mystery it has the power to drop us back into the sacred mind.
So sex is sacred and should not be taken for granted. Yes. AND. And sex can be casual and fun, and without dire consequences. I’m saying this from my 50-year-old perspective, but I’m pretty sure the good and bad sex happens with and without the sacred shroud we put around it.
You didn’t have sex until later in you life and your married, and are happily married to the woman who got your cherry. CONGRATS. I’m recovered from a second marriage that I wanted to last a lifetime, and now I’m back on the playing field, trying to rediscover what dating in the 2010’s looks like.
It’s a mystery. And sex can be both sacred and casual. The head games you put around it are up to you. And what do YOU think of Lena Dunham and Company’s generation now opus? Accurate? Over dramatized? For one thing, they get the mundane of sex up front and center so we can learn from their mistakes. At least we can hope to learn from their mistakes and our own.
+++
Sincerely,
The Off Parent
< back to On Dating Again index
References:
- Don’t Blame “Hookup Culture” – The Atlantic
- Lena Dunham Doesn’t Want a Victoria’s Secret Body. Hers Is More Powerful. – Slate
Resources:
- The Divorce Library (reading list)
- Songs of Divorce (free listening library – youtube sourced songs)
- Laugh It Off (building a resource library of funny videos and other diversions)
- Facebook (follow us on Facebook and keep up with all the conversations)
- The 5 Love Languages (a book on love styles by Gary Chapman)
- The Soul of Sex: Cultivating Life as an Act of Love – Thomas Moore
This April’s Fool: Today I Napped When I Should’ve Walked
I masturbated when I should’ve written. I ate well and then I ate a bag of popcorn. I watched television and played an iPhone game on the hammock in the front yard. I was April’s Fool today. I was full of something, unaimed and unfocused, I gave into the whimsy of the humor on Facebook. I forgot for a moment that I have a business to run, that I am trimming myself to attract a better mate. I forgot all this stuff and simply fucked around today.
I did pick up the guitar and I wrote a few lines of a song…
you’re who I think about, when I think about *uhhh*
you’re who I think about
you’re who I think about when I think about it
and I think about it
and I think about YOU
And I found myself thinking about the lover again. What about that proposition? Just walking around the grocery store I could see the beautiful taut bodies and think, hmmm, maybe if I said YES again… I’m conflicted. But masturbation is so easy. So quick. So soulless. It’s clearly why I went on Flight 7 a few weeks ago, just incase. In many ways I’m happier than ever, and in some ways I’m still alone. Full of myself, but alone.
Perhaps I talked too much today. I spent time on the phone with my male friend talking about her and it and what we were gonna do. And then I didn’t do it at all. I started out with a spark, but it faded, and today even the coffee and moments of inspiration didn’t carry me forward.
Alone I am able to listen to my heart. Sometimes I don’t want to. I had an offer to join someone for happy hour and hugs. But I was more comfortable being uncomfortable. I noticed that if I filled all my empty spaces with a relationship, I would have very little time for this empty, and yet important, reflection on myself. Myself being alone.
I point at how fast my ex-y jumped into the sack and now into the house with someone else. And I hold up some example of health and mental clarity, but here I am, alone.
What is alone, today?
When there are posts to write, music to sing, or poems to voice, I am like a romantic warrior on a quest. SHE is here, SHE is everywhere, SHE will eventually find me again. When I am bored, bored and alone, I have a different conversation. I wonder about what I want. I wonder about what it would look like if this evening, instead of dinner for one and catching up, alone, on Game of Thrones, I wonder what it would be like if that someone, if SHE was in the house waiting for me to come in and start our “together” time. And for a moment I have pause. I wait and savor the peaceful sunset in the hammock. I cook the salmon to my liking and give the rest to the cats.
What is difficult about being in relationship with an artist, from the artist’s perspective is how to balance the draw towards time with loved ones vs. time at craft. Without the “time at craft” the artist will become an idea rather than a practice. I am rediscovering the artist that has held his tongue for years. Hold that vibrant word inside no longer.
But what of that potential date? What draws me towards giving up this quiet nothingness of an evening? What warmth of company, of community, of skin and breath and angle of bone, is worth all the trouble of figuring it out? Last week I could not have told you. Today it was apparent, I wanted comfort. Not applause, or even sex, just company.
It is important to listen to the desires of the heart. It is important to remember what I am seeking and what I am willing to give up.
And on an April day it is occasionally okay to abandon the plan and camp out on the hammock and play games, fuck off, and day dream. Drive and direction can be picked up again tomorrow. There’s plenty of time. And in this time, this alone time, it is critical to listen to what the heart is longing for while being aware of what I am willing to give up in the name of resolving or filling that longing.
Sincerely,
The Off Parent
Resources:
- The Divorce Library (reading list)
- Songs of Divorce (free listening library – youtube sourced songs)
- Laugh It Off (building a resource library of funny videos and other diversions)
She Would’ve Liked Me To Just Leave the House
When the proverbial shit hit the fan, and she had fully articulated that she wanted a divorce, that she had gone to see an attorney to understand her “options,” that even our therapist had shown his doubts about our survivability, she wanted me to leave. She was incensed that I simply would not LEAVE THE HOUSE.
I made a declaration over and over as she kept raising the subject. “I will not bring this divorce full-force into this house until our kids have finished this year in school.” She was not happy. She used ideas like “trial separation” as enticements. No way.
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But I was not willing to uproot the entire family, because the ex-y had come to a decision, had weighed her options, and seen an opening and a greener pasture outside my arms.
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I was the survivor of a horrible divorce, when my parents started the kid wars that became my life. When I grieved my divorce, as it had been spelled out for me by my sessions with the ex-y, I was crying for my kids, not for me. Of course, I’m aware enough to know that my tears for my son were really tears AS A SON, who was losing his dad. I lost my dad, big time. When he walked out that door, the second time, he never came back. And our lives quickly descended into a living hell for years. My dad is not me. My son is not having that experience. Not by a long shot.
But I was not willing to uproot the entire family, because the ex-y had come to a decision, had weighed her options, and seen an opening and a greener pasture outside my arms. Our kids were in 2nd and 4th grade. It still makes me angry to think she was so oblivious to their needs and only focused on HER needs. Her needs for immediate separation and space. For her to get HER house. I guess…
I did not move out until the kids were done with school. It was two of the hardest months of my life. Knowing I was toast, that my wife was unreachable, and that I was more of a ghost dad than a dad. But I stayed my ground. Fuck her and her separation and space. And fuck if I was going to give her the house, just like that.
In the end, that’s what happened, she got the house, as my real estate friend who was experienced in several divorces said she would. “She’s gonna get the house, and your still going to be paying for it,” he said. And while part of that does not seem fair, it’s the way it is. Any whining about it is whining. Let’s move on.
I did not walk out the door that March. But in many ways, as June arrived and the kids completed their semester in elementary school, I suffered mightily for my decision. I think it was the right decision. As I said to the ex-y, it’s a business. We can’t just divorce overnight. There are a lot of details to work out. So what’s the hurry? Other than the fact that you want me out, you want to start whatever is next. And boy didn’t she. She was sexing it up within weeks of the divorce papers being filed. SHE WAS THE STARVED PARTY? What? That’s kinda funny.
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…Being a great parent, and looking after the best interests of our kids even when it goes against what we want or think we need.
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Okay, so I stayed and now I have my badge of honor and my heart-on-sleeve righteousness. But it was a hard two months. As we navigated sleeping in separate rooms and getting the kids ready for school, and coordinating the details of running a family. By June I was a basket case. I was depressed beyond belief, I was hardly functional, but hey, we’d done it. The kids got to finish 2nd and 4th grade without the sigma of their familial collapse.
I’m trying to take precautionary action this year, before June arrives with it’s regret and memories. The long summer. The death of my marriage. The real separation of my kids from me. And the last three summers have been very hard. I can plan, strategize, and keep meeting with my talky doctor, but to say I’m bulletproof heading towards summer would be a fool’s dream.
I am leery of summer now. I am a bit sad just now, thinking about how hard the past three summers have been.
I am also strong, rebuilt, and reoriented towards health, fitness, and being a great parent. And part of that includes looking after the best interests of our kids even when it goes against what we want or think we need.
Sincerely,
The Off Parent
< back to The Hard Stuff pages
related posts:
- Giving Up On Me, and Why I Still Hate What You Did
- Breaking Up and Getting Over It: Someday We’ll Know
- The Whimsical Blowjob & Other Unexplainable Ecstasies
- Cheating Hearts, Cheating Minds
resources:
- The Divorce Library (reading list)
- Songs of Divorce (free listening library – youtube sourced songs)
- Laugh It Off (building a resource library of funny videos and other diversions)
- Facebook (follow us on Facebook and keep up with all the conversations)
- The 5 Love Languages (a book on love styles by Gary Chapman)
she is here – an incantation and poem
[from Making Love To Other Women – poetry]
A few Sunday’s ago I went to a progressive church service in my neighborhood. I love this church. I don’t go often, but it’s a very intellectually driven, chant and spiritual-teaching driven service. I like my brain to be stimulated along with my heart and soul. In a jest, I was asking a friend to go with me, another single man. I said to him, SHE is probably there.
He was baffled at what I meant. I was texting with him. “Who is there?”
“SHE.”
“Well, if SHE is let me know if SHE has a younger sister.”
The awareness I was trying to cultivate was this.
Show up where SHE might be. (The SHE you are imagining. — insert HE if you are a woman.) If SHE is there, where you would imagine your type of person to be, then you too need to show up and be there as well. It’s just a matter of time. If you are hiding out, isolating, or burying yourself in your work or your kids activities, you might be missing opportunities, a lot of opportunities to me THEM.
So, on this Sunday in this very beautiful church as the minister began his “talk” my mind unlocked a flood of ideas about the SHE I was looking for. It’s almost a siren song. An incantation, to visualize the ultimate SHE I am projecting into the world.
As the words came, I chose not to control my mind, and I let myself fall into love with the SHE. Sort of a Rumi concept, “the beloved.”
This is my song to the beloved. SHE is here. I just have to make us aware of each other so we can meet and fall in love.
+++
the preamble – notes
surround yourself in places she might be
who do you want to spend time with, what would you be doing right now, together?
how do you spend your time in the sacred currency of you?
minister says, “affirmations are doorways to new experiences of happiness”
+++
SHE is HERE
+++ part 1 – warm up affirmations +++
she is solid, quiet, contemplative
she is natural, earthly, beautiful
she is touchable and lightly-scented
she is seeking god in her life
she is not afraid to dream and wonderleap
she is snugglable, helpable, rubbable
she glows w/o adornment or makeup
she can stretch and pull and compress
she can sing and play
she is alone
she is here
she knows breathing together as ecstasy
she can express love by holding hands
+++ pause poem+++
note: “was that an affirmation?”
minister says, “with god-like thoughts i bring a god-filled world into my experience.”
+++ part 2 – opening the floodgates +++
she is not afraid to believe in love
she is ready to go
she is willing to travel with me
she is aware of her ultimate power and beauty
she doesn’t need anything from me
she can express her longing w/0 fear
she breaks and cries and repairs
she can accept love even when sad or mad
she knows her disappointments are mostly hers
she is unafraid to ask for her needs and wants
she understands dirt, children, and pets
she can thrive in chaos as well as peaceful quiet
she can be still
she is flexible in body, mind, and spirit
she knows she is here
she may not be looking for me
she calls out the inspirational in me
she understands what joining means
she has sacred practices
she is expressing
she is not tired
she expects the best in everyone
she celebrates simple things easily
she is just out of my frame of view
she is near, she is here
she will not be a projection that I must create
she shows up fully-formed and empowered
she dances when she arises in the morning
she is gentle and kind
she does not call attention to herself
she is unimpressed
+++ pause poem +++
minister says, “i must be in-relationship with my source”
+++ part 3 – release +++
she has a warmth that is infectious
she makes me smile and laugh
she has ways of expressing herself
she is open, she is here
she cannot be captured or tracked
she is random
she is not what she seems
she strips me of my languages and tools
she is not afraid of big ideas
she is an intoxicant and a stimulant
she is self-aware
she comes in many forms
she is focused and fascinated
she is wearing functional shoes
she is an exploratory being
she is a happy camper
she is easy in the silences
she as left to go outside into the sun
she is no longer here
neither am i
2-23-13
here is the spoken word version of this poem: here she is
Cheating Hearts, Cheating Minds
I don’t think I ever caught her cheating on me. I’m going to assume that she told me the truth about things when confronted. But, without taking her clothes off, there was a moment, a very painful moment, that I can now see was really an affair. It didn’t wreck our marriage, but it put a huge hole in my trust. And when things got difficult it was occasionally hard for me to not imagine she was seeing him, or someone, for lunch again.
After all, she was in a relationship when we ran into each other again. And she took some lunches and even a date with me before calling it off with me, so she could go figure if she was IN or OUT with the other guy.
IF I had owned that this behavior was a problem, I MIGHT have avoided the marriage and divorce all together. That of course, is not the way things worked out. She called me about six weeks after asking for a “moment of silence” and simply said, “We’re done.” My first question, “What are you doing tonight? Wanna go over to a friend’s and watch a movie with us?” “Sure.” Swoon. Remove brain from cranium and move to other head. Again, water under the bridge, but looking back, to uncover my mistakes, this was the biggest one. IF she was willing to have lunches with ME, while still living with HIM… (I didn’t really know the status of their relationship at the time.) I just don’t think that was very CLEAR. For the other guy or me.
Jump cut about 4 years later and we’re married with a child in the crib. Wow. A wonderful life.
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It was from a younger man, who she had recently started working with as part of a freelance team. He was thanking her for sharing the local library with him as a place for coffee and respite within our community.
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And then we were unjustly interrupted, like everyone else, by the prosperity ending 911 tragedy. The comfy lifestyle and happy home became a source of stress and “oh my goodness.” And unfortunately, my self-employment viability came crashing to the ground as my clients all FROZE all business. I struggled. I got depressed. I got on medication. I hated life. I loved my wife and kid. But I was suddenly not sure how I was going to support them or the lifestyle I had hoped to accomplish at this point in my life.
So we soldiered along and the second child was born into this rough world. We got what we wanted, a boy AND a girl. Happy bouncing babies. Not so happy and bouncing parents.
One day, during this “rough patch” I came home and pulled up a browser on her computer. We always used whatever computer was on the desk at the time. (this was before universal wifi everywhere) And her gmail account was open. Nonchalantly, I noticed some spam in her inbox, and as I was the gatekeeper, I clicked on one of the spammy messages.
It was not spam.
It was from a younger man, who she had recently started working with as part of a freelance team. He was thanking her for sharing the local library with him as a place for coffee and respite within our community. He was talking to her about “dealing with your husband’s depression” and “let’s do it again soon.”
In my fragile mental state I almost cracked. I can see how this kind of thing would make people go mad. At that point I was not all that comfortable with my anger, so I turned it inward and go sad. And fat. And what hope I had was lost to my wrong-headed fantasies about their tryst.
I did tell her and she apologized and said she saw how this would hurt me and that she would stop. She claimed to be unaware of how it “might have affected me” since she was innocent of any real transgression, but she would abide by my wishes and not see this guy for lunches anymore. And she would tell him as well.
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I am getting clearer and clearer in my request for a relationship. And ultimately I am attempting to learn about my heart, my communication styles, and my needs.
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But the wound was slow to heal for me. She seemed to move right along, except when I would bring it up in counseling. But even then, it wasn’t anything all that important, other than how I perceived it. She said. I’m certain she understood how it hurt me, as I expressed this fairly well. But she was unwilling to really dig into what had made her share intimate details of our lives with a stranger. How she would turn to him for comfort rather than explore the pain with me. We were already in therapy. What was she doing with THAT time?
I took screenshots of all of the messages and put them away somewhere. But later, as I was purging my own pain and guilt, I deleted them. I would not want to look back on them now. But this experience does allow me to reflect on several things.
- My ex-y was having honesty issues, even with me, when we met.
- While she wasn’t very expressive of her emotions, they did exist.
- The warning flare around her intention in going to lunch with me while living with another man, should have been a deal killer. But she was/is very beautiful. I fell for her charms and did not listen to the concerns I should have been hearing.
It reminds me a little bit of the woman, who more recently stopped responding with positive reinforcements when I asked her to do things. Truth is, she liked to drink. And though I occasionally have a glass of wine or a beer, it’s not part of my normal day. Giving up alcohol for Lent would be trivial, not a hardship. (ice cream would be hard)
I am getting clearer and clearer in my request for a relationship. And I am honing my listening skills. And ultimately I am attempting to learn about my heart, my communication styles, and my needs. THEN, and only after I have some clarity for myself, am I open to having a new relationship enter my life. The one I am ready for.
Sincerely,
The Off Parent
< back to The Hard Stuff pages
related posts:
- My Divorce: A Searching and Fearless Moral Inventory
- Waiting for the Other Person to Change
- Love, War, Divorce: Why I’m Not Fighting My Ex-Wife About Custody
- Divorce is Not About What’s Fair, Let’s Get That Straight
- Getting Angry, Reaching Forgiveness, and Moving On After Divorce
resources:
- The Divorce Library (reading list)
- Songs of Divorce (free listening library – youtube sourced songs)
- Laugh It Off (building a resource library of funny videos and other diversions)
- Facebook (follow us on Facebook and keep up with all the conversations)
- The 5 Love Languages (a book on love styles by Gary Chapman)
There Is No Fountain of Youth; Let’s Find A Deeper Level of Connection
I guess it’s traditionally a woman thing. This obsession with youth, taut breasts, eye wrinkles, etc. And maybe culture HAS established this bar of glamour. Magazines, television, movies, celebrity, we are in love with the beautiful. And for many youth has it’s allure. But it’s very thin this skin deep obsession. And in this moment, I am trying to understand even more clearly want my own wants and desires are, and what drives my taste vs my passion.
I was educated on a woman’s body by Penthouse magazine. And before you glaze over and discount this observation, I want you to understand that in my generation, that’s what we had. And yes there was a very clear distinction between Penthouse and Playboy. Playboy was about big tits. Penthouse was about showing the vagina. And occasionally Penthouse taunted and trained us with the obsessive fantasy of lesbians. Hot lesbians. Lipstick lesbians, who while, into each other at the moment, would clearly like us to enter the picture at any moment. That was the bill of goods we were being fed.
And maybe the irony is, you were raised on a different kind of porn, but porn nonetheless. Women’s fashion magazines are part the media training that you received in identifying what was beautiful and what a real man desired.
We’ve both been sold a load of crap. And the lie continues. Even the medical authorities have gotten into the game with longevity medicine. Now, in addition to Botox and lifts you can have your biological chemistry measured and you can subscribe to a supplement regimen that is guaranteed .. Oh wait, no guarantees… Sorry.
There are a few elixirs that I DO know of that work. And the remarkable thing is, they work for both of us, men and women. Here’s what I believe about fitness and beauty.
Yoga is probably to perfect exercise. It incorporates self-reflection, patience, meditation, and relaxation. The term flexibility that applies to yoga is also a topical remedy to everything life throws us. Understand and learn how to be flexible. Move when the pressure is too much. Breath into the issue and see if there is an answer in the pause.
Water and supplements are required. No matter how well you eat, unless you’re paying a chef to keep you healthy, you will probably need a supplement or two. In the functional medicine world, these supplements can be expensive and very pinpointed for your “condition.” A very popular local MD has a two month waiting list to get into her “program.” And the opening volley is two thousand dollars. Before supplements Nice if you can afford it, but… You can afford a very high-quality organic vitamin from Whole Foods that should cover a good portion of your nutrient deficiencies. (Of course I have no idea what I’m talking about, I’m just saying, you probably need supplements of some sort, so get the best vitamin you can afford and take it.) And if you are drinking other things MORE than water, try and continue to shift the balance back towards water. Clean water.
What you eat can have a huge effect on your health, weight, appearance. So pay attention to what works or does not work for your body. I recently started doing a paleo regimen and I dropped 17 lbs without really adding much additional exercise to my planning. I’m back up about 5 lbs from that point, because I added some breads and desserts in as a celebration. The celebration is over. Back to simple meat and veggies.
Exercise is fun if you like to do it. If you don’t, find something you DO like to do. I love tennis. I love walking around the lake where hundreds of others are walking. And I almost always work with great music driving me on. If you don’t exercise your body will have less resilience. And without exercise your diet is going to help but not kick you back into the fitness level YOU desire.
Let’s get this straight. I’m not ever going to have the body I had as a high school swimmer. BUT, a man my age, I’m not really interested in looking for the high school swimmer to date either. The young woman in the picture above is beautiful, and just starting out in life. She’s more a daughter figure than a date. And while the porn and media still show us the 20-somethings as the object of affection, I’ve pretty much moved on.
Youth is amazing to look at. And youth needs our guidance to keep their orientation on career path rather than glamour, cheerleading, or sports. Sure, do those things too. Be popular. But think about what you are going to do for a living.
And as far as our generation goes (I’m at the tail-end of the boomer generation) let’s let go of gravity-free breasts, cheeks caked and injected, and hair so processed it’s not really hair, it’s a wig.
As the ex-y went from a runner physique to a mother physique I was pleased. Very happy with both incarnations of her beautiful body. And when her breast went from beauty to utility and then ended their supply run, I was still just as in love with them, as they had aged gracefully and naturally.
I’m no authority on fashion or cultural stereotypes, but I know that I have my own youthful-addiction when it comes to beautiful bodes in movies, music videos, and on the net. (Not so much into porn these days, as touch is so much more critical path for me.) And I still, personally, go for the bad girl. Even when all the signs are there. And I’m guessing this is partially the culture and media culture as well.
Here’s a final example of my own whacked out beauty measuring stick. In the video below make a note that Courtney Love is 45 years old in the video and has had hundreds of thousands of dollars of plastic surgery done to tuck and sculpt her into this bad girl. And the bass player, who is much more my type, is also a figment of our imagination, rather than a real person. How they smile, tease and entice with their siren’s looks and come hither moves. Oh…
click for video
But we know for a fact that Courtney Love has some serious mental problems. And yet, she’s desirable. BUT, I will note, not in a relationship kind of way, but in a pretty-to-look-at obsessive way.
The end of the video has a surreal moment with a beach full of women in lifeguard bathing suits carrying baby dolls at their breasts. And Ms. Love walking through them and tears off her dress and jumps in the ocean.
Her final lyrics are, “I can’t be near you, the light just radiates. I can’t be near you, the light just radiates.” And from the wikipedia entry, Love is “a woman who, for the last 15 years, has been as famous for being a rock star as she’s been for being a victim.” Courtney Love
This Barbara Walters interview shows a bit of the train wreck of Courtney Love. But I think this picture of the vixen at Cochella this year, shows a bit more clearly how the facade is not holding up that well. And still, there is a that bad girl appeal somewhere in my gut. YUK. No thank you. Maybe this is reinforcing the “youth” stereotype, but it’s not her youth or lack of youth that is appealing or appalling. It’s her entire show.
Sincerely,
The Off Parent
< back to On Dating Again index
Resources:
- The Divorce Library (reading list)
- Songs of Divorce (free listening library – youtube sourced songs)
- Laugh It Off (building a resource library of funny videos and other diversions)
- Facebook (follow us on Facebook and keep up with all the conversations)
- The 5 Love Languages (a book on love styles by Gary Chapman)
The Drama of Divorce and Money: The Deadbeat Dad Myth
I’ve got my largest two-week consulting check coming in, ever. Problem is, it should’ve arrived on Saturday. AND my car stopped running properly on Saturday. AND my ex-y asked for “timing” advice last night. And my client said, “We will get it in the mail this week, sorry we were on Spring Break.”
There is no doubt that cash flow problems hit us all. And I will also admit that I am not very good at mapping bills and expenses to income, especially when things get tight. And sometimes they get so tight…
So the drama between the ex-y and I continues. Except for the drama on her side is really for show, for frustration, for antagonism. No, I take that back. She’s not even interested in upsetting me. She would get no benefit from that. But she is not required to take my situation into consideration, nor does she. I’d use the word narcistic if it weren’t a bad word. Self-centered would probably fit more appropriately.
The part I don’t get, when her wants and desires become the priority in her life, over, let’s say, our kids lives. Let me give a few examples.
Within a month of our divorce being finalized, she was sleeping with a plumber who’d worked on her house. Not that there’s anything wrong with plumbers, but this one had rebound, revenge, self-centered written all over it. A friend told me about it. I was furious. Oops, my bad. I was supposed to be detaching. And of course she had tightened down her chastity belt so tight, I guess her sexual needs could not be contained. All I can say about the plumber was, thank goodness we’d put a 6-month chill clause in our divorce decree before either of us could introduce a significant other to the kids. I asked her, “What example is he going to set for our kids?” Again, nothing against plumbers, but as the next pseudo-father of my kids, I was aiming a little higher. I understand it’s not my decision, but I have some hopes that he will be a creatively intellectual individual that my kids will admire and aspire to be more like. Again, I never met the man with the dragon tattoo. He may very well have been the Michael Angelo of plumbing.
Another misqueue in my opinion (a problem with that right there, I really don’t have a right to an opinion) was all the times I’d check-in with my kids on a weekend and they’d have a babysitter. Again, I don’t even pretend to imagine the different experience of the world and making a living, between men and women, but it certainly wasn’t sexual companionship she was looking for. She was in the immediate hunt for my replacement as a provider. She was panicked about being alone. (Part of the reason I didn’t want the house, too many ghosts around if the kids weren’t there.) But deeper, I’m guessing, was her fear of not being able to make it alone.
Again, I am speaking about something I know nothing about. I know about money woes. I know about companionship. But I also know that MY healing comes from time alone, feeling the feelings, and working things out. First with myself. Then with another person. She was aggressively trying to fill my spot before she really had to do the work of understanding why it was empty.
So I paid a few weeks late on last months child support, and she made a big deal about how much she needs the money, how dependent she is on my support checks. But it’s bullshit. It’s the clear and present danger in HER mind, but she’s only thinking about herself.
Let’s see: 1. she’s got a house that is worth at least 100k more than her mortgage; 2. she’s got over 25k in retirement accounts; 3. she’s got me paying almost all of her mortgage every month. Where is the money crisis in that?
I think of Bill Hader’s drama-queen character. The kids and I watched a couple SNL skits last night before bed. And in this one, Hader played a fireman who was still not over a relationship that had ended over nine years ago. He simply screamed. And screamed. And screamed.
It was a fitting metaphor for my ex-y’s behavior.
1. She knew I was struggling to get last month’s payment to her; 2. She’s working on her own budget for the week/month/year; 3. Like a bill collector, she’s asking when is she getting the next payment and “how can we set this up so it doesn’t affect me and the kids each month?”
Good question, that last one. I’m thinking this is the answer: “Get the fk off my ass for $1600. You are NOT in crisis. You are connecting your emotional vulnerability to the payments from me. They are NOT the same thing. You have plenty of money. I am paying as best I can. Saying “thank you so much” and the bringing the enforcer ask right after is not caring, it’s manipulative. Unfortunately, it’s also transparent.
I won’t answer her with this vitriol. It would do no good.
So as I do with the mortgage demands that start coming in the day after the payment is due, I ignore them. She is a detail and a bill collector. She does not have feelings, nor should she need to, about me and my money. It’s just business.
And fk that. I’m a person. I’m also worthy of respect. And before you hammer me about “when is the next check coming in?” please check your balance sheet and know that YOU ARE OKAY. You’re security and joy does not depend on my money. Never did. And I will support you as long as the law demands it and the kids are in school. I am 100% committed to that.
Let’s not forget that she started threatening to turn the process over to the Texas Attorney General’s office and Child Support Division a few months ago. She’s just working to get me with the program. Not a very compassionate approach, but I’m not part of her drama unless she can make me part of it.
But this week, when the check comes in. I’m going to pay last months mortgage payment. And a few other bills that have significant weight. Yours no longer carries that priority. And your drama-infused demands no longer have the power to affect me. (To be honest, they still can rile me up. This post is an example.) I will pay you, as I have for 2.5 years. We’ve got approximately 8 to go. And if you continue to scream “oh my god” in your emails to me, I’ll just start putting you in the spam folder with Wells Fargo. They are going to get their money too. Everybody is going to get their money.
Now we need to relax and pay attention to the things that are more important than paying bills or finding a boyfriend/girlfriend. It’s time to wake the kids over here and get them ready for school. And that’s an activity worth my priority and attention. Your self-imagined money crisis is not.
Sincerely,
The Off Parent
Resources:
- The Divorce Library (reading list)
- Songs of Divorce (free listening library – youtube sourced songs)
- Laugh It Off (building a resource library of funny videos and other diversions)
- Facebook (follow us on Facebook and keep up with all the conversations)
- The 5 Love Languages (a book on love styles by Gary Chapman)
Reference:
The Next Chapter to Write: Picture a Girl…
I’m looking to burn brighter while standing next to someone who is already burning brightly themselves.
I can see her across the room. In a crowded restaurant on St. Patrick’s day (today). I can see the one woman I’d like to meet. How is it we can sense, taste, imagine so much into a person we’ve never met.
“And then she smiles and I know I’d be lost…”
It really is something beyond our comprehension, this attraction. It’s not entirely under our control. We have options and choices, but when the proverbial “chemistry” is right, everything else can fall away. Our expectations, plans, and maps can be blown away by the proper force of nature. And if you’ve experienced it, you know you can’t settle for anything less. There is no compromise in the heart. In my imaginings, this charge is what sustains us through the harder moments, that are surely to come.
In my first crush-to-marriage I was smitten by a dark and beautiful woman who challenged authority with great flair. And I was certain that I needed the fiery artist who could and would kick my ass. I learned that fiery is NOT what I needed. Turns out she had a rage inside due to early sexual abuse, that I was not prepared to defend against.
In my second marriage, I was smitten by a beautiful woman who I’d known in high school. I think now, with some perspective on things, that I let my crush obscure some relationship issues early on. Ultimately we had a good run, we have two amazing children together, and we’ve moved on. I do think that my attraction and intoxication with my 2nd wife allowed me to compromise on a few traits that are critical path for me in the future.
Touch.
The Love Languages book does a great job of outlining the types of ways people feel loved. Unequivocally, mine is touch. When I enter a room and see someone I care about, I want to touch them in someway, to establish a connection. Sort of the way a dog will always greet you with a wet nose and a wagging tale.
Can express deep emotion.
Aside from anger, my ex-y had a hard time expressing emotions. We joked in therapy, as if we had done a complete role reversal, but it really wasn’t a joke. So she learned her emotional stoicism from her father. And in her love language, she felt the most connected when someone did something for her. Like a chore, or a home repair. (I’m not kidding.) This must have been the way her father coped with his emotionally damaged wife. And my ex-y learned that when things got difficult, you could always put attention on the house, or the bills, or the projections for next month.
I think that was most evident when there was a crisis. I would want to be held, snuggle, take a nap or make love. She wanted to look at the spreadsheet and try and calculate our options.
Another common issue with people who don’t express emotion very well, when she would drink, occasionally the emotions would bubble out and we’d have what I thought was a breakthrough. “Wow, if she could hold on to that idea and learn to be more like that,” I’d think. But it wasn’t a lasting effect and the epiphanies were usually only on my side.
So, back to tonight, in a crowded room I noticed my “match.” She laughed easily. She had a great smile and sparkly-curly dark locks that appeared still wet from the pre-party shower. And my projection would like to map all these wonderful things into her persona. A map, a caricature, a projection of who I want her to be.
Expressive of emotional trust and vulnerability. Love language: touch.
And a few other things thrown in:
- financially stable
- happy with their life/kids/work
- okay with their ex
- spiritually seeking
- creatively inclined
- low drama
Sure those are resume bullets, like an online dating profile. And they are merely a guide for the relationship I would like to form. And standing across the room with her friends, we knew nothing about each other. But the disturbance in the force was clear for me. There was one woman in the entire place that would work for me. And that’s something much more chemical and primal than all of these ideas of who or what I am looking for.
So I need that. The chemical buzz. The awakening. And then I need my priorities to remain in tact. TWO MUST HAVES: Emotionally expressive & Love Language of Touch. The two exact key misses I had in my relationship with the ex-y.
Sincerely,
The Off Parent
references
- Book: The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love That Lasts
- Image: Paige Bradley’s scupture Expansion
Note: As I am writing this post an email comes in from the ex-y. She wants to know about timing on this month’s check. You see, it’s perfect. She’s doing what she does, going to the spreadsheet, for whatever is going on in her life. And often, even when we were married, my current state, or effort, or situation, does not apply. You see, I got her the last half of February’s money last week. And it’s not enough to know that I haven’t missed a payment, she’s asking for when. And she doesn’t deserve the information about my car breaking down on Saturday, and my company comptroller being on Spring Break rather than writing me my next check. She doesn’t deserve that information, and in fact, she wouldn’t care. It wasn’t about emotional commitment, or what’s going on, it’s about checking the box, balancing the excel spreadsheet, and establishing the money first. She started the email with a “thank you so much for the money, last week…” Yeah, right. It’s not personal, it’s just business. Ah, she’s a step ahead of me in this whole process, again.
Resources:
- The Divorce Library (reading list)
- Songs of Divorce (free listening library – youtube sourced songs)
- Laugh It Off (building a resource library of funny videos and other diversions)
