5 Early Warning Signs When Dating: Looking for Mr. or Ms. Lovejoy
Conducting a rigorous self-examination to help determine my own readiness for dating.
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Let’s talk about joy for a second. How do you recognize it? When you see a joyful person do you gravitate towards them? Certainly, we can spot the absence of joy a mile away. Steer clear of the hottie in the black dress with the angry eyes and enhanced frown. She’s packing heat of a variety we’re much too familiar with from our 11 years of marriage, six of them happy.
As a divorced adult, we have been freed of all (most) of those constraints. Now, instead of suffering through the bad times, we can just move on. When a few too many red flags come up early in a relationship, it’s OK, at this stage in our lives to just say, “Later. And good luck.”
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When you are still reeling from the collapse of your marriage, you might be ready for some free love, but the completion of the work needed to actually enjoy it is still a few months or years down the road.
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The closer we get to our own innate joy (even when alone) the more we are able to recognize the same joy in others. And it’s a process—we don’t emerge from divorce happy and hopeful. We might think we are, we might hit the ground (dating sites) running, for example, but most likely the divorce process, the recovery from divorce, will take a number of years. I’m sorry to break that news to you if you’re just emerging from an unhappy marriage, but relationships, even starting out, take work. And when you are still reeling from the collapse of your marriage, you might be ready for some free love, but the completion of the work needed to actually enjoy it is still a few months or years down the road.
♦◊♦
For me, it was indeed, several years before I was ready (am ready) to enter into a joyful relationship. Before that time, I was interested in a relationship, but I was not bringing a full and healthy person to the table, so to speak. I was showing up, smiling as much as possible, and telling my happy tales, but I wasn’t able to fake it ’til I made it. I just wasn’t very good at covering up the real emotions that were still wrestling within me. It’s OK. It was actually better for me NOT to get what I wanted. It was necessary for me to spend some time alone, to sort through my regrets and triumphs and decide from a balanced perspective, what I was looking for in “next.”
So, maybe by examining and sharing some of the joyful things I look for in a woman, I can better understand my motivations, and you can better understand the male sex impulse that is often troublesome and misguided. But first, let’s get one thing straight: I am not an apologist for men and their bad habits. I am a thinking and feeling man in search of my next relationship. I’m not clear on what exactly that means, and I am clear that I don’t know. But I do know what I will and will not tolerate in my search for Ms. Lovejoy.
Here are five signs I’ve identified that the man you are looking at is more of a fractured soul than he is letting on.
ONE: He’s too positive.
Everything is great! My kids are great! My ex is great! And my, you are great too! I’m so happy I could sing the Pharrell song all day long. I’m the most positive person most of my friends have ever met. I just radiate positive energy. “You can feel it, right?” Stand back from Mr. Yes. I’ve been this dude. And while I do profess to have a very positive and happy outlook on life, I know that I can overdo it. I once floundered in a lopsided dating experience, because I was so damn positive I was going to be able to shift it from the friend zone to something more intimate. I was wrong. But even the woman mentioned, “You’re one of the most positive people I’ve ever met.” Yeah sure, I thought, just kiss me then. We never really kissed. And after a few months, I woke up and smelled the coffee. She was not ready for any relationship beyond just holding hands and a sweet peck on the lips at the end of a snuggly evening. Fine, but that’s not what I was looking for. It took me a while to get beyond being so UP. But when I sense it in someone else now, I put up some more awareness filters and look to see if it’s covering up something that’s deeper and unresolved. For me, it wasn’t really about unresolved issues, but I did let a distant dating relationship go on for a long time, thinking my yes-mind was going to convince her to sleep with me. Nope. When the person is too happy, move along.
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We are learning. We have no idea what life is supposed to be like after divorce. And dating and relationship building are things we last thought about in our twenties.
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TWO: He’s too accommodating.
“Oh sure, we can reschedule,” I texted her for the third time in a month. We’d not been able to work out the first “hello” date. Each time there was some event that came up. And all of them about an hour before we were scheduled to meet. I was accommodating even after the third, “I can’t meet this morning. Sorry.” But I was too accommodating perhaps, and denying that she was giving me all the signs she was not ready at all for a date. When it’s too easy to move the date, you might be looking at someone who’s desperate. Even though she was resetting and I was accommodating, I was ignoring my own over-accommodating tendencies. And I realize, just as I’m writing this, that she’s a disaster waiting to happen. If she’s reset three times, and within an hour of our meeting … Why do I think she’s going to be a different person in an actual relationship. Um … oops. I’m too accommodating sometimes. I need to move on from this one.
THREE: He’s too eager to listen.
“Women really want you to listen.” It’s advice you’re going to get from both men and women when you start dating again. And the premise is correct. Listening is something we’ve become less and less adept at over the years and with the increasing pace of life and technological interruptions. So slowing down and paying attention to what the other person is saying, IS important. But it can be overdone. When the listening is too animated, too connected, you need to gauge whether someone is being attentive for their own needs or as a strategy. I listened like a therapist. I listened to women complain about their marriages. I listened to them talk about how great their kids were. I even listened to their funny online dating stories. And I listened too much, and too long, when I should’ve ended the “going nowhere” date. But I didn’t. I was trained to listen to women. Almost as a technique to satisfy my marriage, a counseling recommendation, “Just listen. Quit trying to respond before you’ve heard what she’s saying.” Yes, that’s true in a relationship, but in dating, and early dating situations, you need to listen, but do it lightly. When I catch myself listening for overtones and hints, I try to stop. I try to just listen lightly, respond naturally, and just have a conversation. I am not a therapist. And when I listen hard, like I am a therapist, I am really just trying to get you to love me, or to trust me, or to sleep with me.
FOUR: He’s touchy-feely.
I’m a hugger and a toucher. It’s my love language. I express myself through touch. And I feel most loved when I’m being touched. So if I go in for the arm brush too early, be aware that I’m feeling you out for your touchy-feely level. And if I’m too touchy I might be showing my own emptiness or hunger. You might not be ready to be devoured. Are you responsive? Do you recoil when I touch you? (We’re talking first dates here, so either way, it’s OK, but it’s giving me a lot of information.) Do you touch me back? Do you lean into the touch? I can tell a lot from the first intentional touch on your shoulder. Sure, I am illustrating a point, but I’m trying to sense out your touchy-feely scale. Are you a 10 like me? Or does touch/hugging/kissing/sex come with deeper reservations? I admit this is a learned technique. And when I touch you, it IS casual, but I am looking for clues to how you will react later on. I’m not doing it in a creepy or manipulative way, but you need to know I’m doing it. And if you are a touchy-feely person as well, we’re going to hit it off wonderfully. If you’re touch-adverse, I’m guessing you’ll give off these clues fairly quickly.
FIVE: He makes smoldering eye contact.
When I was in my early, and very passionate, months of trying to date, I tried to convey my seriousness and earnestness with my dark and smoldering eyes. I wasn’t trying to affect them. I was just peering out of my very emotional eyes and I wanted you to see and notice how sensitive I was. How deeply I felt things that you were saying. And how deeply I wanted to drink you in. That hunger is evident in the eyes. My pools of reflection were deep, and I thought I was showing my deep feeling. What I was doing was using my “honest feelings” as a way to hook you. I’m not sure how well it worked, but it didn’t ever really result in the date I was looking for. But I was deep, deep, I’m telling you. When you see an infinite and sensitive soul in your date, you might sit back a bit and see how desperate that searching feeling gets. Being a pussycat, I never pounced with this dark killer instinct, but I knew I was not 100% ready for what I might get had I leaped into the frenzy from this wounded place.
♦◊♦
What’s the Solution?
Now, most of these things are not tactics. They are simply how I am in real life, only exaggerated about 10X. I do have deep and sensitive eyes, but I shouldn’t really be lasering you with them on the first date. When I’m doing that I’m too hungry, I’m too aggressive, I am too enthusiastically in pursuit of you. And asking me to back off is going to give me the signal and information I’m looking for anyway. When the chemistry is right between us, it’s possible that these clues, or tells, are going to resonate between us. That’s happened a couple of times. And while none of them turned into the long-term relationship I am ultimately seeking, I learned a lot from every experience.
And really, that’s the message I want to get across. We are learning. We have no idea what life is supposed to be like after divorce. And dating and relationship building are things we last thought about in our twenties. The world has changed quite a bit. And our expectations and what we will and will not tolerate have changed quite a bit as well. I am aware of my tendencies towards obsession or over-thinking. When I am free of these habits I am more confident that I am actually ready to try for a relationship again.
Be aware of your seeking patterns and when they are out of balance, or overblown, you might dial back your intensity a bit and examine what’s going on for you. In my case, when I find I’m hyper-extending any of my dating superpowers, I try and spend some time not dating, so I can recenter on my goals and needs. With a date in sight and the potential for sexual intimacy, I’m less able to make rational and self-centered decisions.
When I am clear, I can make rational and appropriate decisions. When the chemistry is ON but the warning signs are also shining bright, I can walk away from the temptation. I don’t want surface relationships. I want whole relationships. Or a single whole relationship, that’s my ultimate goal, one relationship. But I’ve got a long way to go before settling down. And I promise I won’t settle for less than awesome.
When you’re dating again after divorce you’ve got to remember to remain a bit more self-centered. You’re not in this next relationship to compromise. You’re in it for the win. Sure, we’re going to fail, we’re going to make mistakes. But knowing where we play games, or where we accentuate our own desires, the better we can adjust and get more real about what and who we want to be with next.
Sincerely,
John McElhenney – life coach austin texas
Facebook | Instagram | Pinterest | @theoffparent
*written Aug, 2014
back to On Dating Again
related posts:
- Casual Sex. What? I Have No Experience with This…
- Vengeance Dating Syndrome (a Post-divorce Pattern)
- The Honey Trap: How Beauty Can Lead Us Astray
- Burn the Maps!
- Little Turnoffs: On a First Date with a Woman
image: bliss dance, rulenumberone2, creative commons usage
it is getting late (a poem)
afraid i still love her
i couldn’t help myself
wanting the depth we are missing
i tried to tell you
you were so afraid
we tried to pull apart
the sad from the ecstasy
a moment from a dream
of where we are at this second
where we are going
how we envision getting there
i tried to tell you
i was leaving
recovering in my big bed
recalibrating my own heart
to meet us
in this space
today
tonight
tomorrow
here
i tried to tell you
without words
with the touch of my fingers
and kisses
fires in my eyes
of distant fires
still obscuring
what is unknown and unsure
giving me starts and fits
here
at this juncture
i tried to tell you
11-11-21
it’s just desire
[from Making Love To Other Women – poetry]
this cloud this haze this drugged moment
as if the dark air of loneliness
was escaping with a hiss
around the edges of my heart
breaking the fourth wall of reason
for something more dangerous
intoxicating
deep
pulling
an ache
that before was theory
that before involved maps and strategies
there is no strategy for this feeling
no point in burning maps
they are all you know of the shore
the stars above twinkle
as the path winds into darker nights
knowing now what was missing
how
when
and if
aiming away from solitude
towards some idea
of risk and feeling
where the wild things are
what hungers
and leaps
in the spaces between touch
and touching
and anticipation of touch
wrestling to pull back the sail
before capsizing the journey
diving into a course
before the destination is shared
it is delirious and delicious
this ambrosia of moments
dreaming you into being
even as your strong signals
say yes
say slow
say hello
a part of our souls
have set sail
even in this imaginary boat together
we’re calling out subtle directions
affirming the small lines we have begun to trace
in the flickering light
of the map room
11-19-13
arriving at any time
[from Making Love To Other Women – poetry]
the heart is a bright and shining mystery
of potential to love and soar
in my clean and steady state
i listen and sound
for the edges and tempers and colors
and the join
that is sure to come
with my patience and persistence
she could be arriving at any time
even as storms and floods rage
obscuring signals
deflecting our trajectories
in the night
but seeking is also freedom
limitless and utter romance
has flavors yet unimagined
until her smile flashes
walks in the room
and says
what’s next
11-1-13
and you are alight
[from Making Love To Other Women – poetry]
i am holding an open door
without demands or expectations
there is joy inside and music
an easy repose and repartee
to adjust your daily muse
and moods of blue and red and black
all find voice
and comfort
it is a symphony i seek
where the orchestrations are by choice
and desire
and hope
you are invited
to begin a journey
to join in with harmonies and melody
to sing with your own voice
i listen
i have grown tired of my own solos
even as I work to keep the wind vigorous
i am ready to throw open the windows too
and let the weather change everything
push the papers, sheets, and past around
and reconfigure magic
into madness of spirit
higher and brighter
and towards a still point
of such balance
where striving stops again
you have known this peace
where ambition is paired with contentment
as best of friends
and the flex and stretch
comes from energy and joy
and you are alight
accompanied
and
easy
10-29-13
image: used via creative commons, Doorway in Muslim district in Ajmer
i am wrapping pillows
[from Making Love To Other Women – poetry]
this is the morning of love and hope and possibilities
when the cold is an offer of snuggles and warm drinks
where the fog seems to be lifting
even when there is no shore in sight
waking up with pets rather than lovers
or children to feed and hug
this is the hope i will never give up
and the longing i will always answer
and the chill i hope to rub red
and the song of my heart i continue to sing
the world is waking up
and so am i
somewhere
in this soupy and mysterious morning
she is waking up too
maybe she has the warmth
or maybe she has given up seeking
for light beyond the love of her children
maybe she’s on opposite weekends
well snuggled while i am wrapping pillows
no worry
this hope burns away the covering clouds
revealing hope again
and sun
joy in the chill
and the opportunity it brings
to love
and love again
fully
warmed again
from within this time
there is no need for her for me
we are autonomous and solid
there is not a repair that needs a man’s strength
she has found that alone again
becoming her whole parent
there is nothing missing
but me
and she may not believe
yet
she may not speak my name
yet
the chill is lifted today
and the fog is blown to the edges of our vision
if the hope remains
that is enough
and the memory
of what a joyful touch felt like
touch
and
joy
together
amazing
10-20-13
magnetic joy
[from Making Love To Other Women – poetry]
my sly grin and magnetic joy
what i am perfecting, in this loneliness
i have not grown tired of the pursuit
only the futility of my demands
9-12-13
peacefully anticipating someone
[from Making Love To Other Women – poetry]
we don’t have much time
and all the time in the world lies before us
it is about what we choose
who we are to become
and what cast of characters we’d like to
write into the next scene
i sit here
type type typing
and you there
type type typing
working for a living
and a moment
and the space
in
time
if we choose something else
we have decided
if ‘maybe’ is the constant answer
no is the result
i am not saying this
i am typing this
i am afraid
to say
i want you
to crave you
to have and to
it might be easy
but only time will tell
this time
that tics and clicks away
beneath our fingers
across the backs of our wings
i have known flight
and i can remember what that feels like
the ground is no place for dreamers
and lovers
perhaps the lover in you is still obscured
or perhaps it is me
any moment
is every moment
and without you
they are alone
moments
okay
but alone
i am ready to be not-alone
i imagine smelling your neck
and the coarseness of your toes after a long walk
the dampness
this rain comes
blows and goes
this breath returns again and again
wanting
desiring
i am singing as loud as i know how
but i am still learning
i am working on it
you
you must work on yourself
and the lover you may become
if you want to
i can ask
i can sing, and swoop, and dip
i fly nearby
i flutter
i type type type
you type type type
but the words are not for each other
the words
the wings
the wind beneath my heart
warm
fierce
peacefully anticipating
someone
arriving here again
at patience
7-26-13
you’re a song i want to sing
[from Making Love To Other Women – poetry]
you’re a song i want to sing
a mode of being I want to embrace
you’re like middle c
a shore to my ocean
moving into and out of you
without touching
never, not touching
you’re a song i want to sing
in a key of life i’ve never known
and words are no match for the feeling
and the feeling is no indicator of the depth
there’s so little information
and yet, so much to the sweep and sound
of your voice, breath, breathing
like waves and whispers
you’re a song I want to sing
and i can’t decide where to begin
and that’s okay
you never end
as we drift and ebb
5-23-13
creating believing solo
[from Making Love To Other Women – poetry]
i aimed another poem at her again last night
and loosed it like a prayer
somewhat unsure of my intention
less sure of who she might be
what she might like
there are no limits in pursuit
in anticipation of the join
i am full
and full of myself
in love
in this state
at the edge of the unknown
alone
with time as an unlimited resource
a currency more precious and rare
and even the idea of you
becomes a sail i can ride
a wordstream love jam of song
this is me creating
believing
solo
5-21-13
modern love notes
[from Making Love To Other Women – poetry]
leaving just enough silence between us
wondering what you’re doing, thinking, feeling
i hold my tongue and text and messages of love
this can be nothing more than my own reflection
seeking a replacement, and shelter, and song
surely love does not ignite with such simplicity
a puppy love, a projection, a trajectory of my own imagination
still
i seek messages in the clouds and stars at night
and i listen on all channels
erasing and deleting
words
of
love
and
longing
because it is too soon
and you are busy, and beautiful, and pleasurable
to all around you
and when I am
given the chance
i will breathe you in
i will hesitate just a little
i will tease back at the growing heat
and
i
will
know
again
5-20-13
travel together
[from Making Love To Other Women – poetry]
when she trained her blue eyes on me and asked
“are you checking me out?”
i knew i had been snagged
at a game i most definitely wanted to be caught at
and she smiled
“yes”
she wanted to know how she’d done
and her eyes matched her blue shirt
and her smile revved the tempo of my heart
for a beat
“you did quite well, i mean…”
the words are not what escaped me
i paused to slow down and savor the moment
“i was”
and though there was distance and a table between us
we were pressed as close together as we’d ever been
“i’ve discovered that adoration is what grows
over time… and that may be what love is for me…
adoration”
breathing
“and were you checking me out?”
“not when you first arrived…
not until I saw that you were checking me out…”
guide rails: physical touch and emotional depth
unexplainable chemistry: “I could look at you forever”
and when all concepts and frameworks fail
there
then
develops the opportunity
to travel together
begin
4-19-13
twist of the hip
[from Making Love To Other Women – poetry]
i don’t need a woman
i crave a woman who knows and wants to love
deeply, fearlessly, without regret
i can pick her out of a crowded bar
the one out of the thirty women there
i imagine she is putting out her vibes
that she is looking at me too
in the lights and live music she is probably just watching the crowd
but there she is
the one woman for me within this tight radius
we could both be lucky
so much information in the way a woman
moves to the music
even from a chair
it is the same way she will make love
in the world outside
her dance is even more important
is her step and life filled with sensuous motion
from the body flows the soul
they cannot hide from one another
she cannot hide from me
either
i will ask
i will know
i will press into dark places without request
but her body has a love language
i am eager to learn
and her spiritual state will be laid bare
in a single glance and the twist of the hip
the path forward is open and necessary
yet i still know…
that all of this…
that all… of… this…
all of this…
poetry is projection
she is warm, willing, and at a show
on some early Saturday evening
she moves and her signals wash over me
4-7-13
after the state of getting
[from Making Love To Other Women – poetry]
she had the most beautiful shoes i’d ever seen
and she stepped out of them like a fragile animal
on alert
she had arrived ready
she knew what she wanted
fear and excitement can seem as the same
in this moment, there was no mistaking
the flutter from the fever
there would be no flight
except into the snare of my lips
and bed and
breath
knowing, wanting, and getting
are very different states
in the state of getting
the little black dress was simple and sexy
and expendable
any description here would break the spell
spoil the mystery
and the mysterious sacred journey of lovemaking
as she was putting the beautiful shoes back on
i couldn’t help but watch
fascinated
the snare released, the quarry smiling and unhurried
her pretty legs now moving with a new tremor
released, relaxed, satisfied for a brief moment
we were together
we are not
and the afternoon becomes a wash
memories and smells overwhelm all obligations
in my daydream stare out the window
i notice movement in the grass
and notice my sleepiness
i return to the bed
alone
4-6-13
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