magnetic tagging of my bloodstream (a poem)
i’d vape you like pineapple chill if you were here
breathing deep of your spice and sweetness
hold
count to five
dragon fire bursts in white
what is the vapor you have left inside me
how did your scent and smoothness find purchase
in the magnetic tagging of my bloodstream
as i was looking the other way
8/29/22
in the place of loss and loneliness (a poem)
i have lived
in the place of loss and loneliness
listened to the song of myself
aching
reaching
towards
some infinite longing unfulfilled
as if
this sadness was my natural state
i have fallen for a girl
taken pains to weave together
beloved after beloved
only to crash into this emptiness again
what is in my optimistic heart
that continues this quest
how do my arms continue to open
to the threat of love and loss and disappointments
i have no superpower
other than desire
my heart exploding in letters
arranged across a screen or page
into hope
into flames of unrest
and ultimately
into a new set of promises
to have and to hold
to appreciate and adore
to ignite foolishly into dark nights
in the arms of an unavailable lover
unable to meet these rigorous demands
of honesty
vulnerability
and mutual aspirations
and the unrelenting “yes”
that can come from holding the hand
of the one
true
love
7-18-22
a swarm of letters (a poem)
a swarm of letters
rustles in my head
pulls me up and out
coffee
dogs
kisses
symphony of birds
whistling their hearts out
in choruses that bring harmony to the world
and chaos of of stars
hiding just behind the dawn sky
summoning aspirational dreams
into sounds lining up in my head
and soft clicking of the keys
brushing up against your synapses
in an attempt at communication
love
mystery
desire
and the infinite feeling
of
home
6-26-22
not enough kisses (a poem)
i already know there is not enough time
to tell you
now that i’ve found you
how grateful I am
not enough nights
to kiss you
not enough ways to say
i love you
we’re already behind
so i will do my best
each day of our time together
to let you know
you are beautiful
important
and loved
6-14-22
she’s got ghosts (a poem)
more to her than meets the eye
an entire world spinning just out of view
a gyroscope of whirling moments
she hasn’t quite recovered from
5-13-22
and she was (a poem)
and she was in front of me
today
like every other day
and today
i stopped
to praise her beauty
i forget sometimes
and her smile
transformed my being
into something more light
her warm embrace
even as I could not see her eyes
summer’s warming zepher
as the sweat drips
she is with me
lifting me
from the inside
a mood of unusual size
blowing through my body
as we dance
on the beach
in the snowy woods above Taos
in the warm waters
of Oho Caliente
and she is always here
somedays
i forget to see
5/12/22
perched (a poem)
once again perched among the beautiful people
and organic zuchinni and body wash
everyone is here
a food party and fashion show
scuffed sneaks costing more than a month of groceries
it’s high time in mecca
wellness and beauty
wine and craft beers
have taken center stage here
and today
finally
i am not seeking more than a thrill
and a pint of ice cream
made of air, cream, and sugar
the gourmet in me
knows that mac and cheese
is fancy or particularly healthy
but here
snaking through the aisles
with the scent of sandalwood
chanel and cut citrus
following a whimsical idea
towards the grain-free breakfast cereals
and a moment arrives
awareness of my own boredom
there is nothing i need or desire
i am complete
satisfied
and loved
the view is interesting
yet holds no promise
4-18-22
as the night cools (a poem)
as the night cools
and the lights swirl in the waves
i imagine your voice
telling me something whispering
about spain
about kisses
about a moment only dreamed
a sad piano song jingles
rays of dying light merging
blue and orange
and stars that we can’t yet see
above people we miss
hearts we’d love to hug again
whoosh whoosh sound of water
as a boat destined for home
slices the glass-like lake
racing into the coming darkness
warmth of the day is done
the grass is cool and damp
under my feet
walking back towards
my solitude
i am amiss
cooler air is pushing day to night
and the dead sleep of the living
well played
ready for reset
on things i didn’t get to
lovers i didn’t call
and prayers
still spilled
as the night cools
4-3-22
losing the thread (a poem)
i keep losing the thread
how we could get closer
follow along the edge of the creek
looking for a shady spot
to rest
cast a fly or two
breathe in the sunshine
and crisp new mexico spring afternoon
but i am in texas
only recalling your hand
the soft sound of your voice
lilting easy laughter
3-31-22
i want you to know you are loved (a poem)
i want you to know
you are loved
i want these words
typed not spoken
to resonate in your heart
as you voice them to yourself
i can’t touch you
i can’t see you
yet, here we are
having a short intimate conversation
and while we are here
i’d really like to leave you
with a smile
and a murmur of confidence
that the love in your life
is enough
that your light
brightens may souls
who hover around
even if you can’t see them
as we can’t see each other
yet here I am
still clicking here in my moment
and you following along in yours
blessings
and wordle bliss
pointed at your happiness
3-30-22
it’s you, my soul told me so (a poem)
what if the most beautiful girl in the world appeared again
this time, she’s a bit lit
how many years have passed since our last session
she’s sporting a couple kids under eight
but again, imagine her stunning beauty
that distorts all your defenses
sends signals into your veins on all frequencies
and a memory of her kissing lips
like a poisoning intoxicant
upsetting all present moment objections
she’s smiling at you
holding her fussy two-year-old son
and you can tell there’s a new motivation
something behind the sunglasses is radiating
and the shape of her hips even more inviting
she is open to me
like a shot of a favorite tequila
a warmth, a burn, an invitation
and i pass by
allowing her to not see me
no starting over with this madonna
with her oxytocin
and her breast starting to vibrate
with the cries of her son
and i know i would fall
hopelessly bound
for the crashing waves of the rocky shore
i cannot pause here
or risk being captured
forever and ever
2-23-22
simple love (a poem)
stripped back
to
touch
breath
smiles
i fall
each minute
you are nearby
fulfilling my dream
simple
giving
in easy moments
spent
alongside
2-21-22
pulled under (a poem)
she pressed back towards the surface
the ghosts had released their hold on her legs
once more i was trying to rescue and restore
this is a dangerous mode for any man
and failure would mean death or something worse
loneliness again
loss
hopeless romantic suicide
there is no “fix you” in love
between lovers
we need balance
higher/lower is a trap
and a lie
we are together for a reason
and the lessons we learn
will be important
if we can quiet our own panic
and listen
just to hold
space
for the beloved
healing that comes from being in love
and holding the line between us
as a sacred bond
and agreement
this is how we love
without losing our own
minds
2-16-22
the farther i fall (a poem)
in the blue sky
the hope for a season of love
in the snowy nights
and stormy days
ahead
optimism points to yes
to you
with me
1-4-22
girl in waves (a poem)
she said my presence in her life
was no longer a priority
as she left for three weeks in hawaii
i stayed calm
as I stayed in her place
awaiting
her return
did bring a moment
of clarity
as i volunteered to give her more space
it was as if
we had been living to two separate worlds
me still loving as hard as i could manage
her establishing a different plan
that didn’t include me
i
showed myself out
still howling at the loss
and dancing alone
in the moonlit waves
closer to home
lone wolf
again
12-30-21
wishing forward (a poem)
this valentine’s day
wishing forward
i don’t want safe
ready
available
good enough
i want
to be
YES
and
YES
and
YES AGAIN
over and over
YES
you
YES
and
ONLY YOU
12-17-21
her cherry christmas kisses (a poem)
is it okay to lust after rockgrrls
who sling strats
songs of younger men
extraordinary women
with everything
i
desire
i
am
on a path
towards
open tunings
chord voicings
and
her cherry christmas
kisses
12-15-21
open window (a poem)
there was a moment
as she turned away
breeze was billowing
with an afternoon coolness
the bedsheets felt rough
our attempt missed
i returned to the window
looking down
at the frigid mediterranean sea
crashing on the rocks below
all night
the window called us
to swim
or jump
or leave
just get up
get out of this horror
that should’ve been a honeymoon
but was something else
a dying gasp
and non-refundable tickets
to some paradise
we had spoken of many times
while i was still hopeful
12-14-21
she takes her shirt off (a poem)
there is a moment
things are not going well
and
she takes her shirt off
it was a ninja move
catching me off guard
unbalancing my argument
with other urges
desires
that required far less discussion
this time
i didn’t indulge her
the elephant was making noise
it was time to get clear
about our rapt attention
and sustainability
so
there she was
looking confused
her beautiful naked magic fairy dust move
proved ineffective
this was a deeper conversation
and our last
12-08-21
for the trees (a poem)
there was the forest
and the trees
her
and me
the road ahead looked cold
strait
narrow
tightly controlled
and her lack of smile
said all i needed to know
she was the one leaving
not arriving
she needed me to know
why
i smiled
she didn’t expect that
it was her idea
this breakup
she was telling me why
i was pleasantly surprised
by her reasoning
the objections were quite sound
as she droned on
about what wasn’t working
what she needed
how i was the issue
not us
me
that might have been the problem right there
this amazingly beautiful woman
giving me the letdown
to go down in history
was not responsible
for her own meltdowns
somehow i was not playing
by the rules
as she understood them
just a few days before
in the middle of a crisis
she took off all of her clothes
and cried
i sat nearby on the bed
consoled as best i could
but the issue was not apparent
her sadness
from some distant pain
overwhelmed her thin white body
pale in the romantic lighting
the song
do you realize
seemed to be in some reloop
or perhaps it was time that was looping
i am not sure what to do here i said
but i can be here with you
beside you
i can hold you
she seemed more confused
additional tears poured
this appears to be something a bit bigger
than our erotic liaison gone amiss
i can leave if you’d rather be alone
a bit later
the conversation moved towards
a curious exploration
between us
she was still undressed
and looking as delightful as ever
it’s like your naked fairy dust isn’t working
i said
she stopped cold
what?
it’s as if your hot body would solve any issues
without any work
we’d just blow over the upset
and blow on each other
to quell the glaring heat
of something unpleasant
fill the void
with the passion
see if that gives us/you
some relief
that’s not me
that’s not what happened
i waited to find her again
but she had retreated
again
into an angry silence
she put her pajamas on
i kissed her forehead
and left
maybe that’s the answer
to my ease
as i see it
as she will never see it
as beautiful as she is
smart
happy
and
broken
11-29-21
imagine an ending (a poem)
flying home
november again
towards myself
limitless
unbound
ready for more
skipping over the painful bits
with abandon
and vigor
this is not the time
for regrets
or fear
or compromise
today
this year
i claim my independence
and self-care
self-love
selfishness
it is only on lonely nights
that i compose
love songs
heartbroken poems
and aspirational lists
of my *next* partner
it always ends like this
alone
logging into bumble
like a boss
opening new horizons
new opportunities
for more
for less
for smashing good sex
and less than joyful
collisions
my degree is in romance
not chemistry
i throw caution to the wind
for a pretty face
a smile that ignites
nightlights in my mind
and flutters in my belly
“she is the one”
i like to write
“she might be the one”
i write after a few months
“she’s got issues”
i muse
trying to repair the landing gear
mid-flight
adjusting the airspeed
and frictional drag
as we feel the tips of the trees
frozen and fragile
from the winter freeze
the power outage
that puts a point on everything
we’re lacking
that’s broken
in our energy grid
in our cooperative contracts
spoken and hidden
i write what i will miss
i write about being alone again
i write
more than i cry
about the loss
of one more missed embrace
moon shot at happiness
more dead roses
and a lifelong romance
imagined and constructed
and negotiated
until the path forward
became overgrown with brambles
and dangerous snares
set out for predators past
and triggered
at odd times
without rhymes
without reasonable doubt
merely set off
severing limbs
setting off alarms
breaking down lines of communication
until an exit
is the natural
result
and this poem
the obvious
motion
of my crushed
optimism
11-28-21
ready to be away (a poem)
what are we all trying to escape
this pain
boredom
regrets
sadness
loneliness
loss
why are we always looking for a way out
rather than in?
11-27-21
spirit dancer (a poem)
it is not her that i am in love with
it is merely the idea of her
all the lace
perfect smells and smiles
the way she holds my head between her hands
and kisses me on the forehead
in her warm leotard
still breathing hard from the performance
and the grace
as she moves away from me
aches in yet a new deeper way
this ghost
mystery
woman
haunting my feeds and speeds
at warp speed
warping my mind
and expectations
of who i am
who i’d like to be
and how we would fit together nicely
if i could dance
and throw her in the air
the way she is used to
and then do something
even more amazing
that one thing
that would blur the lines
of age
righteousness
imbalance
and how our joy
multiplies our joy
when we’re thinking about each other
and even more
when we’re together
that’s what i’m thinking about, anyway
this morning
going meta in nyc
11-27-21
always arriving (a poem)
leaving and arriving
nyc
at the prettiest time of year
alone
remembering other moments
other lovers
adventures that led me here
as if
this city is a gateway
to next adventures
“oh shit, i’m in ny, what’s about to happen?”
yet, here i am again
technically not alone
but …
wait, i am here to learn a new lesson this time
love is love is love is love
the love you make
that’s all there is
and this love
this companionship
contains everything necessary
for a lifetime of joy and connection
of course
parenting forms an unbreakable bond
where distance and time
bring a deeper affection
easy appreciations
are somehow affirming
our own good hearts
an lessons in learning to love
another person without limits
there is no risk in loving your kids too much
only in missing moments when your attention
could’ve been more supportive
more joyful
in our lives we need that one person
i want to be that one person
who always loves
who invites more love
and gives freely
without expectations
or rewards
this is the reward
this live
love
moment
this then
is
heaven
on
earth
11-27-21 (beginning my 60th year on the planet)
