Divorce, Single Parenting, Dating, Sex, & Self-Recovery




[from a second wave - poetry]

the sound of you
the feel, touch, taste
in my imagination
we are floating together
in the ocean
sun, sand, waves
that coursing sound
in our ears
and hearts
i hear your echoes
even from this distance
even before we’ve met
i hear you
in here
(touches chest)
and sometime
i will touch yours
and listen for
of joy


image: ocean spirit, philip male, creative commons usage

where you are not


[from a second wave - poetry]

somewhere somewhere anywhere
you are
i am not
and i wish i had a clue
to your location
and state of mind

in this somewhere where i am
i am missing something essential
like a mineral or nutrient
or warmth
i see images, films, fantasies
but i haven’t found my way
my self
my footing

i believe i have clues
i know i have nothing
it’s a feeling
an emptiness
and this moment
makes it clear

where you aren’t
where you could be
if the clues were simpler

it is not simple
not feeling



image: still from Lost In Translation

My Funny Man Divorce: A Little Bill Murray a Touch of Robin Williams Mixed w/ Ferris Bueller


If anyone can explain why he hasn’t been able to find the love of his life it’s Bill Murray. And I’ve often been likened to a younger Bill, so I read this Vanity Fair article with a bit of self-interest.

“Not to diminish a relationship with a woman but I can’t take care of another relationship if I can’t take care of the things I really need to take care of the most. It’s not a selfish thing . . . it’s just sort of an obligation.” – Bill Murray

What Mr. Murray latches onto as his reason for not being in a relationship is his own lack of attention and self-examination. He mentions his children from his previous two marriages, but it’s clear Bill hasn’t found what he’s seeking in a woman.

Murray did admit that he wonders why, at 64-years-old, he still hasn’t found the great love of his life.

“I do think about that. I’m not sure what I am getting done here. I do have kids. I have children that I am responsible for and I enjoy that very much. And that wouldn’t have happened without women.” – ibid

>He knows he need to so the self-examination work, but he doesn’t really want to do it. He’d rather show up as a comedian extraordinaire and find his love in the public embrace. One of my favorite movies with Bill is Lost in Translation. It seems to capture the loss and ennui of Mr. Murray’s self-reveal in this article. Fascinated and crushing on the young Scarlett Johansen, Mr. Murray tells much of his life story. I’m guessing that this film captured a bit of what it must be like to be Bill Murray. Detached and disoriented by the “jobs” that send him all over the world. Drawn to youth and beauty. But in this touching film, the father-figure chooses not to take advantage of the young woman. It’s an amazing moment. And it’s a huge win for both characters and the film.

Only from a place of inner-wisdom and self-knowledge can you hope to regain your balance in life and open your heart back up to the possibility of love again.

And Mr. Murray plays his role in a number of Wes Anderson movies as well. Perhaps it is easier for him to act out the scripts that others put in his mouth rather that examine or work through his own troubles.

Robin Williams is another character and body type I’ve been associated with. I share the bear-ish shape with these two rock stars as well as some of their demons. Whatever depression Robin was dealing with, he killed himself while his adoring wife slept in the next room. How terrifying. How dark his night must’ve been to extinguish even his bright star of hope.

AS a bit of a frenetic funny man, myself (I’m not putting myself in the same league with these greats, please.) I am also prone to flights of fantasy and falls of desperation. And it’s wonderful to hear that someone as buoyant as Bill Murray can come out and share his own difficulties, much like he does in Translation. I can take a different path from either of these body doubles. (I wrote myself in as Ferris Bueller in divorce, as well.

I am committed to self-examination and taking care of as much of my sh*t as possible. In the same spirit I can do what it takes to keep my dark thoughts at bay. Often it is the self-examination and self-revelations that come from doing deep work, that keeps me above water. Bill speaks of the difficulties of stripping off the mask and looking at the ugly truth.

Asked what has stopped him from committing to himself, Murray continued, “What stops [any of] us is we’re kinda really ugly if we look really hard. We’re not who we think we are. We’re not as wonderful as we think we are. It’s a little bit of a shock . . . it’s hard.” – ibid

As men, we are often not encouraged to dig deep and feel what’s going one. The man’s role in the world is to be strong, to be stoic, and to be a good provider. I don’t see either of these men being described as feeling fathers. Perhaps Mr. Murray has had to distance himself a little from his role as a father. (Of course, I have no idea.)

What it takes, as a man, to deal with divorce is the courage to strip away the facade and let the feelings and frustrations out. You can do this in therapy, on a blog, or with friends. You cannot do this with your kids or your ex-wife. But most of all, you have to do it. You have to strip back down underneath Bill’s Caddyshack character and understand what’s hurting inside. Only from that place of inner-wisdom and self-knowledge can you hope to regain your balance in life and open your heart back up to the possibility of love again. Because with the risk of love comes the risk of failure, again.


The Off Parent

Note: My brush with greatness involves Bill Murray. I was on the set of Ghostbusters, my sister worked for Warner Bros. at the time. During a break Bill came around the corner and saw a teenage boy standing there in red painter pants. “Whoooooo’s the madman!” he shouted, as he reached out and shoot my hand.


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images: bill murray, publicity shots

permanent word loss

OFF-singer[from a second wave - poetry]

yet another love poem
pay little or no attention to the details
drop it, delete it
forget that i’m writing to you
as i have gotten further removed
i have begun speaking in poetry
i’m sorry
it’s like an illness
this affliction of dropping words
cutting away any story
and looking for clues
in letters and sounds
i just like the way you feel
and i’m sort of waiting
for someone just like you
the you that i imagine
and write sonnets to
in hopes that some translation
is going to gain purchase
somewhere in the labyrinth of you
and light up some resonant response
like a call and answer
if you don’t comprehend
please don’t worry
let everything go


image: musical chairs, garrett coakley,creative commons usage

burning up in prayer

OFF-organic-girl[from a second wave - poetry]

she’s probably here
in the organic grocery store
if i could just send up a flag
rebroadcast my tinder beacon
if she were receiving my vibe
indications are that she is not
but i search amidst the kale
and organic bubble bath
what, you don’t drink the water
breathe and release
smile in joy smile out hunger
i’ve survived like this for years
at a time
many years, even when married
or in a relationship
i have adapted my wants and needs
i’ve sublimated almost all of myself
and grown a bit more relaxed with myself
i still have my ambitious moments
and I reach for a star
and today i’ve learned
to give back the outcome
to release the hopes again
like embers of a fall bonfire
and on perfect nights
i can lose myself
and i can no longer tell
which is dream, and distance
and for a time long ago
and which are heat and light
burning up in prayer