Divorce, Single Parenting, Dating, Sex, & Self-Recovery

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in the flames of future lovers

OFF-girlonfire[from a second wave – poetry]

i want a dangerous woman
attitude to spare
swagger to match mine
type-a

wait.

is that part of the problem
am i addicted to adrenal acceleration
are the dangerous curves i wish for
part of my crash and burn routine

wait.

something sedate
wholesome
adoring
less driven
less ferarri

wait.

in the moments we do have left
i want to spark and burn
bonfires to old vanities
offerings to gods lesser known
pagan and sweaty

wait.

wait.

go

11-21-14

image: g-golden girl, kamillia, oliveira, creative common usage

Redefining Dating, As a Man, As a Dad, As a Lover

OFF-observer

I’m learning so much these days, having revoked my own dating pass. I’m done with dating for a bit. I’m resetting and recovering my center. It’s not like anything major happened. But after one recent near miss I’m taking back all of the energy I used to put into “dates” and bringing the focus back on building myself. I think I’m rebuilt, but I’m still refining my roll, as they say.

As I’m sitting in a nearby coffee shop I’m observing the flow of people and noting my own wandering eye. WHAT IS IT? Really. Which women resonate with a “yes” in the flowing line of candidates (in fantasy only) versus a “meh.”

  • Body type
  • Attitude (You can see it in their eyes and smile, or opposite of smile)
  • Hair (over done, colored, natural, dark, blonde or graying)
  • Clothes (what mode are they in: work, yoga, casual Friday, dressed to the nines)
  • A pretty face (some magical equation combined with historical context)
  • Vibe

Sure it’s impossible to get an accurate picture of the whole woman from 15 – 20 feet way. But the elusive “chemistry” is not as random as you might think. Rare, but not random. So what is it? What’s my combination?

For the moment, even in the presence of a willing and available woman I have taken a step back from my own inner “spark” so I can see more clearly.

The “spark” as I tend to call it is obvious in the first 10 seconds. Beyond that I’m taking my own projections and using my desires as a magnifying glass from which to evaluate each woman.

[NOTE: Let me be clear, this is a design and branding exercise, not a predatory process. I am not actually looking to “relate” to these women. I’m merely observing my thoughts as they pass by. The availability or reality of the actual woman is not part of my evaluation. Sky’s the limit.]

In life, women stream by all the time. Married, young, athletic, damaged, bright, angry, euphoric, women, all are part of the flow of life. It’s our observations and actions in this flood that are going to determine if we remain alone and hungry, or if we are willing and able to take the plunge into a relationship.

As I’ve released the “dating” concept for the moment, I’m learning some new things about myself in this detached state.

  • I am much more easy-going around all women when I’m not actively sizing them up
  • As I am not “interested” I’m more able to see them clearly as multifaceted humans and not just “women of potential”
  • I’ve got a lot of energy to use in other aspects of my life
  • I can see my craving for a woman more clearly for what it is, a craving, an addiction
  • I can savor the anticipation and desire and all the wanderings of my mind without any of the logistics or planning that’s required in actually taking action
  • By not taking any action, I’m allowing these women I come in contact with to be more natural and relaxed.

I’m not saying, “Hey, I’m not interested in you,” but the idea is circulating in my mind. For the moment, even in the presence of a willing and available woman I have taken a step back from my own inner “spark” so I can see more clearly.

This week I had a clear hit. A date potential that sort of came out of the blue. And all of the components were in place. She was cute, articulate, enthusiastic, and she had a very direct approach to life. She was also training in an exotic sport, that was clearly a passion. I’m attracted to women of passion. Always passion.

After a week or so we found the night we could meet in-person. Again, this time, while I was enthusiastic, I was somewhat reflective of the opportunity rather than “looking for a relationship.” At one point, an hour before we met, I was a little concerned that I was going to underwhelm her, that I was too subdued. I was just tired from a busy day that had started at 5 am.

When we met and sat eating a late dinner, I was able to keep my “observer” at the table with us. I was watching her and even watching myself, as we chatted and flirted. And while I noticed her fine figure, her sparkling eyes, and her contagious enthusiasm, I was also aware that something else was feeling odd.

I didn’t get turned off, because I had never been turned on. So I listened.

That was enough. I didn’t need to judge her. I didn’t get turned off, because I had never been turned on. So I listened. I noticed how she often didn’t hear what I’d just said. She was on some kind of monologue performance. There wasn’t much room in her active and imaginative genius for me or my ideas.

As we parted she mentioned wanting to write an article for my blog. She was all over the map. “Um, okay,” I said, surprised by the new concept. “No, really. I’m a great writer,” she said. She didn’t notice that this is a first-person narrative, about me and my experience. I’m not sure where she thought her “post” might go. I’m not all that interested to find out.

It would be great to think we have evolved beyond Hot or Not, but really it’s hard-wired. The immediate reaction that we label “chemistry” is really a swipe to the left “nope” or a swipe to the right “yes.” It’s what happens next that is more important. In my paused state, I think I am able to evaluate more objectively what turns me on and what registers as a “pass.” Because I’ve taken myself off the playing field it is easier for me to recognize the players, even my own playbook becomes more obvious.

The swipe happens in our mind regardless of our evolution.  Our own game plans kick into gear almost automatically. By interrupting the pursuit I’ve been able to sit back and watch in a new way. My idea is that when I’m ready to re-engage with the process of pursuit I’ll be clearer in my actions and intentions.

Sincerely,

The Off Parent
@theoffparent

back to On Dating Again

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image: random coffee shop, the author, cc 2014

i can see

[from a second wave – poetry]

her lips are moving
across the expanse of chaotic shoppers
i don’t need to read her lips
or attempt to translate the language
into something meaningful
her smile is all i need to…
… well, i can not hear
or feel anything
but i notice the rise and fall of her chest
as she waits in the checkout line
sharing smiles all around
this is the moment
this is the thing
the smile
any smile
given with such joy
like a bright light
in a well-lit place
a dreamer adrift in a sea of bath salts
kale and exotic chocolates
that we’ll never enjoy
together

11-19-14

image: random wfm, the author, cc 2014

OFF-organic-2

endless flight

OFF-arrows

[from a second wave – poetry]

word word word after word
pointed in your direction
aiming for connection
arousal
purchase
in search of
the yes
reflected
in answer
resonance
a glowing
inner smile
the secret one
left out only for me

if a love poem is set loose
and never received
it travels endlessly
away

without you
there is no towards
no object of affection
no snuggle or nudge
only the endless whisper
of words
revved up for someone
broadcast into the darkness
and never heard from again

how

sad

a love poem
errant and true
yet missed

11-19-14

image: arrows, robert s. donovan, creative commons usage

how do we lose touch

OFF-random-winter-wfm[from a second wave – poetry]

in the boots and scarves of other women
i begin to feel hopeful and lost at the same time
the distance between me and another human
sometimes appears unmanageable
and she too perhaps his feeling the call of fires
and the smell of winter arriving
and warm beds that should be shared
but are not
so i wander organic food stores
smiling and seeking
or today, giving it a rest
and still she is everywhere around me
and i hold onto the hope
the promise in a love poem
of a night
a morning
a breakfast together afterwards

11-18-14