Folding Her Clothes and Folding My Desire
I loved folding her clothes in the laundry. There was something cool about the jeans that were on such a different scale than mine. I could only imagine her beautiful legs and feet and toes as I origami-ed them into a warm fortune cookie.
The first time I remember looking into her eyes during love making and finding her bored was a year or so after my vasectomy. I was astonished. It was like looking back into my high school or college years and seeing the ho hum partner in a ho hum state of repose. I was flattened. I stopped. I didn’t want to continue in that relationship.
“Where’d you go? I wanted to ask. But I didn’t. And thus began my own folding. The more I desired her, and the more she desired less, the more I folded inward, and sublimated my physical desire for her with mental desires, masterbation, and fantasy.
I learned, I think I learned, I am learning, that it was a fatal flaw of my own, to cloak my own disappointment and unmet desire in a Buddhist repose. Yeah, I was above it all. Above the fray of the mundane arguments, above the loss of all sexual openings from the woman I was still madly and passionately in love with. I learned to go into my head. To believe that this was okay, this situation was temporary, things would eventually get better if I meditated, masterbated, and remained consistant in my love and presence.
I was wrong. I, in some ways, let her off the hook. When she was bored, and she had already had her orgasm, I should’ve asked. I probed a little, but was content to “wait” and “see” and be the master of my own desires. FUCK. What I was doing was removing the PASSION from myself as well.
I’m a bit stuck in that mode at this very moment. I talk about sex not being the goal. And while I believe that’s true, I also believe I deserve a willing and excitable sex partner. I am willing to be honest and open with my feelings, and in order to not lose sight of what those are again, I have to be willing to express my needs and also my disappointments.
So my wife was bored. My drive for my own passion, in that moment, evaporated in a flash. We’d had the “I guess I’m not going to orgasm” moments. And we’d laughed and talked through many awkward requests and challenges.
And she was B O R E D.
What I won’t settle for next is complacence. My hand is a happy host, but my heart has bigger needs. I won’t let those go unspoken ever again.
Honestly, I don’t think that moment, or my confrontation of the situation would’ve changed our trajectory. But the gradual acceptance and detachment from that loss that became more and more pronounced, that is what killed my marriage. She happened to check out a lot earlier than I did. But in some ways, I let her go, thinking that I would pick up the connection when things settled down a bit, when there was a little more money in the bank, when the kids were both in school.
NOW is it. I won’t become the fat buddha again. The belly that I work off is the isolation that I had agreed to. Do I have to be perfectly fit to find another relationship. No. But I do need to love and understand my own body, so that I can tune into the desires I have. And I have to express them so that I can learn and explore the fit with any relationship I attempt in the future.
The bored girl sophomore year in college was no big deal. Neither of us knew what to expect. My bored wife should’ve been real cause for alarm and awakening. Instead I slept and stayed up late cuddling with the internet. Computers and videos make terrible lovers.
Sincerely,
The Off Parent
Resources:
- The Divorce Library (reading list)
- Songs of Divorce (free listening library – youtube sourced songs)
- Laugh It Off (building a resource library of funny videos and other diversions)
- Facebook (follow us on Facebook and keep up with all the conversations)
- The 5 Love Languages (a book on love styles by Gary Chapman)
Putting Online Dating in Perspective
Um, honey, let me ask you a question. Are you saying the best part of you is the swell of your left breast? And your user name, SRSLY? I guess you’re not looking at this online thing too hard. Or perhaps you are looking for the dudes that will jump at a side picture of a breast in black sparkly dress. I guess…
And the bathroom meme for your photo is sad. It’s not all that exciting to see your shower and towel rack. I mean, you’ve got to have a few friends who could help you out. Even one of those fancy phones that have the camera that faces back at you?
One of the cool things, the organizing things, about setting up your online profile is you have two major tasks.
- How do you present yourself to the world? Photo. User Name. Bio and Answers to provocative or benign questions.
- What are you really looking for? Big breasts. Fit stomach. Brains bigger than yours. A smile. Humor.
Step 3 is continually refining what you want and how you present yourself.
In completing the first round of questions and bio fields in your dating profile you’re going to at least be getting a picture of what you think you are and what you think you are looking for.
So “trouble” in you profile name might not be the best choice, unless that’s what you are trying to attract.
And then you start the process of going on a few meet and greets. “Let’s grab a cup of coffee…” And now your sense of what’s important gets refined. One of my discoveries, “Wow, she was beautiful and liked to work out a lot. BUT… we had NOTHING to talk about.”
Okay so my priority, actually, is brains and banter over nice boobs or taut abs. And my recent experience says that as long as they are not obese I can get quite excited by different body types and styles.
And my other recent commitment: if there is not something absolutely extraordinary about the person, there is no real reason to meet. I’m not looking to fill time, or keep from being lonely. I’m looking for someone who can keep up with my rapid fire synapses and THEN perhaps my strong hands. Perhaps. But again, BED IS NOT THE GOAL.
Again, a friend asked me, chastised me really, about following up with a beautiful woman I’d had 1 date with. “She’s not that into you, why are you still wasting time on her?”
“I’m not really trying to have sex with her, we just had fun. Oh and she’s one of the most beautiful women I’ve ever been around.”
I had to think about it a day later when I was ABOUT TO SEND HER A FUNNY NOTE on LinkedIN (my favorite dating network). What did I want from her? Why was I willing to sit next to her in amazement, if there was no chance, and very little willingness on her part to schedule something. Why was I flagellating myself against a person who could not, or would not, give anything in return?
And then we come to my ex-y. At some point that was the question I had to ask. She’s not going to change into a warm, huggy, sexualized person.
Like trying to fix the alcoholic, it was not going to happen by anything I could do. I could ask and ask and ask, but if there was zero affection coming back, my asking would become less frequent and more painful.
So I was no longer willing to flagellate myself to the mother of my children. Why would I put up with the touch-less date, the pointless courting?
We’ve been through this before. It feels familiar some how. That DOES NOT MAKE IT RIGHT.
I’m done with being addicted to “longing.” I want joining as my goal. If the person is not available… Why am I wasting my time? A counselor once told me, “You do longing very well. But it’s okay to get some of those needs met.”
Sincerely,
The Off Parent
< back to On Dating Again index
Related Posts:
- Dating Time Out: Swiping Left or Right is Wearing Me Out
- Gentle Catch and Release
- Unadulterated Love: What Is Joyful Sex?
- Reversing the Flow: Putting Women in Charge of Courtship
Resources:
- The Divorce Library (reading list)
- Songs of Divorce (free listening library – youtube sourced songs)
- Laugh It Off (building a resource library of funny videos and other diversions)
- Facebook (follow us on Facebook and keep up with all the conversations)
- The 5 Love Languages (a book on love styles by Gary Chapman)
Thursday Happier Hour and the SPO (Standard Possession Order) Morass
There is a business networking happy hour that happens once a month on a Thursday. And I’ve never made it. I probably should make it.
But when the world shifted on its axis and my kids orbits suddenly had large periods of time on the dark side of the planet, Thursdays became my joint-custody Standard Possession Order day of the week. You’ll get to know and love the language. SPO – standard possession order. And First, Third, and Fifth is another common process. And your attorney will probably want to start with the SPO and make variations from there. It’s all been worked out ahead of time for our benefit.
No sarcasm meant. But there’s no way to be grateful under the circumstances. But the kind counselor we went to for Divorce Counseling was happy to tell me, “It’s a pretty good deal for dads.”
Not being up on the literature or common practices I had my heart set on 50/50 down the middle, rotating the kids out very other weekend. This other 1, 3, 5 seems to be easier for some reason, but it does cause some unexpected problems. The minute you look to enter the kissing pool again, you’ll discover that if every dad has the kids 1-3-5, then the divorced moms have their kids exactly opposite. (grin)
So you want to date someone. Um, every single weekend you have OFF she has kid duty. I think back to that moment when Dr. Knows Better kept saying, it’s easier for everyone. I kept asking “WHY, what makes it easier?” If you have the same feeling, you might keep asking until you get an answer, or you and your soon-to-be ex decide on an alternative. Sure it made it easier on the doc, but now it’s a bit complicated if I want to meet someone after work for drinks.
The corollary to this law is kind of funny and painful at the same time: When your ex starts asking for changes in the schedule, it means they’re fucking somebody. Excuse me, “dating,” somebody. I mean, think about it, are you going to get into it with your ex over switching up the schedule if there isn’t some damn compelling reason?
I’m just pissed it’s happened twice from her side so far and nonce from mine. But I’m over all that jealousy stuff. Really. Over. It. She can DO who ever she pleases at this point, I’d rather DO someone else as well. So best to take my bitterness and get in better shape.
Oh that’s the one great thing Dr. You’re Getting a Divorce did set up. In our plan we cannot introduce a “dating” partner to our kids until the “relationship/dating” has been steady for six months. That’s awesome right. It sure helped my piece of mind when my ex-y started a rebound screwing of a plumber from a few towns over that first month after the divorce was final. At least she waited until it was final. I spewed a few spiteful barbs at that time. And thank goodness I got my ass into a divorce recovery class soon after.
Another funny moment happened about three months ago, my daughter was playing with my iPhone. She loves them and was looking at my pictures and stuff. (No surprises there. Think twice about taking those candid shots on your phone, won’t you?) And she noticed a few TXT messages coming in from a *Debbie.* And at one point she squealed , “SWEETHEART.”
Um, I had some explaining to do.
So I talked it out with them and now it’s sort of a running joke. “If I had a girlfriend, which I don’t, I couldn’t tell you anyway, but this woman, is not my girlfriend.”
At this point they roll their eyes. And one of them will say something like, “Yeah Dad, we don’t believe anything you say about that anyway. Because you can’t tell us.”
It did give me some satisfaction txting the ex-y, “I had the 6 months chat with the kids. It went well.”
Of course the hidden message was, “Cause there’s someone else…” But I left it unspoken.
And that’s the final piece of advice on this subject. NEVER fire the sharp barbs at your ex-y. They never hurt her as much as they hurt you. Being mean or mad at her is only a symptom of your unfinished emotional work. It never helps. Yes, I know, sometimes it feels good.
And that one I sent in regards to the plumber (nothing against The Plumber with the Dragon Tattoo) “WTF? Do you think this is a rebound? He’s not even in our TRIBE.” All I could think of inside was, “Thank god she can burn through this one without having to bring the kids into it.” And sure, it was over in less than a month, but I was hurt and freaking out a bit. And living at my sister’s house, for crissakes. Not a happy situation.
So the email arrived today for the happy hour tomorrow night, and I had a moment where I contemplated getting a sitter… And then I smiled and thought about my HAPPIER HOUR. With my kids.
Sincerely,
The Off Parent
Resources:
- The Divorce Library (reading list)
- Songs of Divorce (free listening library – youtube sourced songs)
- Laugh It Off (building a resource library of funny videos and other diversions)
- Facebook (follow us on Facebook and keep up with all the conversations)
- The 5 Love Languages (a book on love styles by Gary Chapman)
Racing Into Love & Right Through the Exit: How Did We Get To the End Again So Quickly?
Confession: I’ve had ONE relationship post-divorce. It lasted about 12 days. It was hot. It was frustrating. It freed me once and for all from the depressed imaginings that I was never going to be with another cute, sexy, happy, lover. It clipped the strings holding me to the fantasy of reconnection with my ex-y. (I know, ever after all this, I was still holding a torch of some sort.)
But I now imagine that my connection was more like an addiction. The last good thing I ever had, the last love I’d made in 14+ years, and she was still so close and we still had so many ties. And wouldn’t it be cool to date again. I still think she’s hot. (Fk, I didn’t mean to let that out.)
But the woman who waltzed in and crafted her way upstairs into my bed after a couple of dates and a few more beers, was a treat. Like a flavor of ice cream I’ve never tasted. Smart: check. Sexy: check. Happy: check-minus. Well-balanced: um… let me explain.
I have learned in my online date sampling, that I am more interested in a woman’s intellectual capacity than her dress size. I will admit to liking dark hair over blonde, but that’s a minor distraction and not a prejudice. Okay, so in comes this new woman, smart, sassy, driving a Mini Cooper and listening to cool music. She even breached the sex idea on day two when I suggested she come over to my house and do her “work” here.
“We’d probably just jump into the sack,” she said.
BINGO! The perfect flirt. I was hooked. And later on that night in the bar, she said, “The sexual tension is high. We should probably go before it gets too late.”
“Wanna come back to my place? I’ll drive. We can leave your car here.”
“Okay.”
So there I was… “back in the saddle” so to speak. We covered ground like birth control, testing for STDs and that neither of us were that into anal sex. It became the joke, “as long as you’re not talking about anal sex, we’re good.” She was fluid and fluent with her words. She knew what she was doing. And she obviously LOVED SEX. Hallelujah. It truly was a rebirth. (I did really need a resurrection of sorts.)
She gave it to me in spades. She was able to joke about the sex. Telling me she was going to be sore. And the next day telling me she was having trouble walking. (Grin.) My ego was completely stroked.
All clear at this point. And then we hit our first snag: TV.
Continues: The Woman Who Slept With Pitbulls
Sincerely,
The Off Parent
< back to On Dating Again index
related posts:
- The Happy, the Fit, and the Beautiful
- My Casual Sex Experience – First Lesson
- Crossfit Sex
- An Early Frost: Dating Options and Casual Sex
resources:
- The Divorce Library (reading list)
- Songs of Divorce (free listening library – youtube sourced songs)
- Laugh It Off (building a resource library of funny videos and other diversions)
- Facebook (follow us on Facebook and keep up with all the conversations)
- The 5 Love Languages (a book on love styles by Gary Chapman)
Online Dating from the Other Side
So, what’s it like for women on online dating sites? I know what the man gets, but what about a fairly cute woman. What’s her experience?
So I thought, let’s find out.
I googled “average girl” and this was the first hit.
I’ve filled out about 20 questions, and filled in all the info on my bio. Fairly generic. No real material for the hungry male population to grip onto, except for the nice pic. And the HUNGER.
So let’s sit back and see who shows up, and what they show. And one thing you can be sure of, I won’t be setting up or taking any “dates.”
Sincerely,
The Off Parent
permalink: https://theoffparent.com/the-other-side/
Tale of Two Ladies; The Dichotomy of Priorities (beauty vs brains)
Sitting at Whole Foods in Austin, Texas I am watching a very attractive, very slim, tan, fit, in black running shorts and a black running bra-thing, checking out at the register across from my table. I cannot help but look at her. She is pretty. She exudes confidence. She is playful with the cashier.
She buys bubbly water (a fetish of mine), and Dos Equis Amber (my favorite), and flowers (of course she’s into zen). And flashing a very well-crafted smile, she and her running shoes and long brown legs are gone. A vision.
++
Next girl sits down at a table across from me. She’s in some kind of organic skirt, earthtones and softness, she has un-kept hair pulled up in a bun, she’s wearing a wrinkled t-shirt, she pulls out Octavio Paz (my favorite Spanish poet).
++
I have learned that I can fall in love with bodies quite easily. My ache for affectionate touch is palpable. And there are an infinite variety of bodies that I can fall in love with. I am not stuck on a type or a style. And, as these chemistry things go, I will know it when I see it.
I was not in love with either women. But I am pretty sure that the runner was a bit too aware of how much hotness she was projecting. Those kind of beauties have always been a problem in my experience. I’m going to go with Paz.
Brains trump beauty every time in the movie of my next relationship.
Sincerely,
The Off Parent
< back to On Dating Again index
Resources:
- The Divorce Library (reading list)
- Songs of Divorce (free listening library – youtube sourced songs)
- Laugh It Off (building a resource library of funny videos and other diversions)
- Facebook (follow us on Facebook and keep up with all the conversations)
- The 5 Love Languages (a book on love styles by Gary Chapman)
Your New Matches: Online Dating and the Big Miss
How can you just tell by the name or the age of the person what your eHarmony “matches” are going to be like?
The under 37s are almost all going to seem too young. Or so hot that I’m going to be too old. And the odd names usually mean ethnic (not necessarily a bad thing).
And then the spammy craigslist stuff just gets to the details, blonde, great tits, petite. WHATEVER!
I am learning more and more, as I merely look around, that I am an everything man. I’m not looking for a type. I’m looking for a spark. And that spark can come from any hair color, any body type, and any name. But where it doesn’t come from, for the most part is ONLINE>>>.
Sincerely,
The Off Parent
< back to On Dating Again index
Resources:
- The Divorce Library (reading list)
- Songs of Divorce (free listening library – youtube sourced songs)
- Laugh It Off (building a resource library of funny videos and other diversions)
- Facebook (follow us on Facebook and keep up with all the conversations)
- The 5 Love Languages (a book on love styles by Gary Chapman)
Strike Two! The Could’a Should’a Would’a Online Date Clips My Wings
(This post continues the story started here: Stepping Back Into the Breach; Dating Again After Divorce)
Well, my online dating experience is getting longer… and I’ve had another near miss.
I can tell you exactly what happened. Same thing that happened with hottie number one. I came on too strong. My heart on my sleeve, my CD-R of my break-up CD, my quick note of excitement. “You need to slow your roll,” she said in her next email. I hadn’t heard the expression, but I knew what she meant.
She said, “We’ve been out on one date.”
I agreed. I recanted my note. I explained my inner dialogue away. But she didn’t buy it. “I’m sorry, I’m just a bit creeped out by it. Good luck in finding what you are looking for.” And like that I was jettisoned out with the last batch of near-miss online dates, I guess. It was new for me.
It’s complicated, this dating with kids thing. I was so sure this woman was a fit of some kind, but I moved in and set up camp without a permit. And probably I should not have shared it with her. Probably she googled it and found this site. Damn. But of course it’s my own fault. And perhaps I’m the dumb ass. Thinking this is okay.
Next time, no love letters, just a date. No facebook connection. No *smile* TXTs. Just a date. Thanks. Wanna do it again?
So, near miss, I’m sorry. You gave me what I needed. A serious case of the hopefulness. And what I gave you was some overbearing crap. Again, my loss. I was watching that cute video of you and reading over your email dismissal. I wanted to remember your smile. And as the impressions wore off, I reached again for something that was too raw, too fresh, too fragile, and mostly too presumptuous. And I can see how that paints me as too needy. Yep. Guilty. Back to the dating pool.
Sincerely,
The Off Parent
< back to On Dating Again index
Resources:
- The Divorce Library (reading list)
- Songs of Divorce (free listening library – youtube sourced songs)
- Laugh It Off (building a resource library of funny videos and other diversions)
- Facebook (follow us on Facebook and keep up with all the conversations)
- The 5 Love Languages (a book on love styles by Gary Chapman)
Stepping Back Into the Breach; Dating Again After Divorce
It’s not that I don’t like online dating, it’s actually that I don’t like dating. What with it’s unanswered questions about what’s next, where are we going, how long can I say here. I want to be past the dating thing, and back into the relating. And it’s not sex that I’m talking about specifically. It’s more the feeling you get when you are SEEN by someone. And then deemed as worthy and worthwhile of attention.
So the “date” last night started well and ended well. It was the first date in all six of mine, that I immediately felt at ease. I wasn’t trying to prove anything to her. I was trying to express myself and my pursuits, but she was way too familiar, in a good way. It was as if we had been friends in high school or something. An easy way the conversation flowed between us. All so heavy with promise.
And over three hours later she asked, “Well, are you ready to go home?”
“No,” I said.
She smiled.
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We were balancing the fact that she’s been divorced for 10 years and me not even 10 minutes, yet.
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We chatted for another 15 minutes or so and she said she actually did have to go home. Her kids would be waiting up for her. (Now that’s a new and funny concept.) And we walked easily across the parking lot as I grabbed a CD out of my car to share with her. And then she was gone. But not after both of us admitted out loud that we had a good time and looked forward to the next time. And she did something very cool.
“Did I give you my phone number?”
Not dating, but being friends, we plugged her number into my phone and I called her and learned her last name. And I was thrilled. I TXT’d her with a tease after I got home. I believe we were both smiling most of the night.
And that’s the point. We were both smiling. Sure things can get hard in a relationship, but when the spontaneous smiling ends the tenor of the situation changes. Okay, so we’re in the opening minutes of our relationship, whatever that will be, but I have to say, I am not afraid.
My divorce is supposed to be over in three weeks. But, “The relationship had been in trouble for a while.”
“Yes,” she agreed. “It’s never just over. I mean, I guess the person CAN just walk out, but something had to be going wrong for that to happen.”
We were balancing the fact that she’s been divorced for 10 years and me not even 10 minutes, yet. Sure, I know there will still be bumps on the roller coaster of being divorced and being a single parent. But somehow with her I was ready to be to the next stage, just hanging. I was sad to leave, but exhilarated to think about the next time. “Call me anytime, even if you just want to hang out,” she said.
The trajectory with kids is so much longer than we might have experienced without them. I mean, I don’t even have a place at the moment. So there’s really no where to go, to hang out. And next weekend I have MY kids. (Blessings!) And so the 15 miles between us might as well be light years. But it doesn’t feel that way.
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Not moving things forward in a hurry or anything, but I wanted her to know that the chemistry was very cool for me, at that very moment.
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What it feels like, is I’m not afraid to imagine what the WE might be. Even if it just means putting us on a couch watching a movie together. With her, I imagined this might happen. Whereas, when thinking about any of my other 5 dates, I don’t even really want to have coffee again.
“I think chemistry is very important,” I said. We were midway through our meal and I was beginning to explore into the “relationship” idea. Not moving things forward in a hurry or anything, but I wanted her to know that the chemistry was very cool for me, at that very moment. We both laughed and chatted about that for a minute. And about the oddness of online dating and why people our age sometimes seem like old people.
She was not an old person. And she was radiating in my attention. As she should be.
So with that, even for a week, I am — in theory — off the market, off eHarmony, off the matching of match.com. Because all that “dating” crap is really distracting when what you really want is a friend, not a date.
… story continues with Strike Two! The Could’a Should’a Would’a Online Date Clips My Wings
Sincerely,
The Off Parent
< back to On Dating Again index
related posts:
- Top 5 First Date Tips for Women
- Beyond the Rush of Love
- Our Sexual Brain and the Lies it Tells Us
- Sex Rules: The Frequency, the Fun, and the Fantasy
resources:
- The Divorce Library (reading list)
- Songs of Divorce (free listening library – youtube sourced songs)
- Laugh It Off (building a resource library of funny videos and other diversions)
- Facebook (follow us on Facebook and keep up with all the conversations)
- The 5 Love Languages (a book on love styles by Gary Chapman)
It Never Fails and Then Fails Completely: The Promise of the “Match”
So online dating is the way these days. That’s what I hear. It’s a pretty mixed bag in my experience. Here’s something that never fails to get a rise out of me.
“You have 3 new matches today. This could be the day!”
It’s like a pavlovian response… “What if…”
And like many fantasies, my hopes are dashed in the first few seconds after clicking on the link.
It’s not that she’s always unattractive. It’s not that she’s usually on the older side of my range. It’s not that I’m all that set in my definition of what I want. (I think I am appreciative of most types of women.) But it is usually something in the overall package that is an OFF and not an ON.
For some reason, that’s the only type of woman who initiates a match with me, before I make the first move. So that’s the way it is eh? Just like traditional old dating, the guy has to put it out there and the women get to respond with a thumbs up or thumbs down.
Okay, I really am fine with that. I have registered 33 winks TO WOMEN, and received 8 winks FROM WOMEN. And only one resulted in a date, which I then jumped the gun on. Oh well, off to wink and flirt in the online fishing pond. Not holding my breath.
Sincerely,
The Off Parent
< back to On Dating Again index
Resources:
- The Divorce Library (reading list)
- Songs of Divorce (free listening library – youtube sourced songs)
- Laugh It Off (building a resource library of funny videos and other diversions)
- Facebook (follow us on Facebook and keep up with all the conversations)
- The 5 Love Languages (a book on love styles by Gary Chapman)
Dialing In My Ideals In a Woman: From Hippie to High Class
I was having coffee with a friend of mine at an upscale place last week and we both acknowledged several of the beautiful women who passed through while we were meeting.
“I really like Whole Foods Market for people watching,” I said.
“They’re too hippie for me,” he said.
Wow, it was a major difference that got me thinking. What was the criteria I was hoping for when hoping for my next female companion?
She probably shops at Whole Foods more than Costco.
She’s comfortable in flipflops and high heels and appreciates the difference.
She drives a foreign car built within the last 6 years.
She has kids.
She’s divorced.
She is naturally attractive, with or without makeup. Conscious of the aging process and happy to acknowledge the changes, not afraid of them.
And so today, as I was walking around Whole Foods I noticed a lot of women that caught my eye. (My sister was very much a hippie.) Much more so than the women moving through the fancy coffee bar. But one other recent statistic I heard about came to mind about income level. The gist was something about your income level is directly related to the closest 5 people around you. Meaning, you hang with people that make about the same amount of money.
With that, there is no telling what these whimsical organically-minded women are making, or the model of car they are driving. But, for me, they are starting with a core concept for me. They are more concerned with fair trade than the lowest possible price. They have some intentions around eating healthy and go to the trouble to make that happen. They tend towards essential oil fragrances over new scent from the latest designer at Nordstroms.
Sincerely,
The Off Parent
< back to On Dating Again index
Resources:
- The Divorce Library (reading list)
- Songs of Divorce (free listening library – youtube sourced songs)
- Laugh It Off (building a resource library of funny videos and other diversions)
- Facebook (follow us on Facebook and keep up with all the conversations)
- The 5 Love Languages (a book on love styles by Gary Chapman)
The Women of Mad Men: Pick Your Type
Can you define your desire in terms of a type? Is Joan your speed? Or Betty Draper? Perhaps the feisty and direct Peggy Olsen. (She looks a bit hotter here than in Mad Men don’t you think?)
Sometimes men try to identify themselves as breastmen, legmen, assmen.
I prefer to be an all-over-man. And now having come off a 12-year one woman man thing, I’m ready for a bit of anything. Legs, breasts, hot baths, ritas and queso. Mostly I’m into women. Having not had the scent of another woman for a long time, I’m a bit over-ripe. And that’s what’s juked my two near misses from online dating. So I’m looking into my own “projections.” I need to get further from my current divorce and into self-awareness.
But when she arrives, she’s in for a treat.
Sincerely,
The Off Parent
< back to On Dating Again index
Resources:
- The Divorce Library (reading list)
- Songs of Divorce (free listening library – youtube sourced songs)
- Laugh It Off (building a resource library of funny videos and other diversions)
- Facebook (follow us on Facebook and keep up with all the conversations)
- The 5 Love Languages (a book on love styles by Gary Chapman)
I Loved Everything About You
There were times when you pissed me off. There were times when I didn’t understand what could possibly make someone so mad. But… for the most part, I loved loving you. Looking back at the pictures (deleting them off my facebook account actually) I loved your hair, long or short, blonde or brown. I love the girl stuff that comes with being around you. Your smells, the wonderful rush from the showers together.
And now looking at women, and noticing what I am noticing about them. It’s pretty much everything. I’m loving the hair, the eyes, the smiles, the back of the knee. What is it?
I think I am in love with loving women. And now that I don’t have you as an object of my affection, that passion is looking for a new connect. And it will come. The next woman will show up. So tonight, I say goodnight to you, dear ex-y. While it was fun loving you, I am looking forward to being with someone who puts a bit more energy into connecting.
I am nervous, but I am ready.
Sincerely,
The Off Parent
@theoffparent
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related post:
- The Infinitely Desirable Woman with the Fractured Soul
- Losing Touch In the Off Times
- The Evolving Single Dad: Failure to Hopefulness Again
- Check Engine Light: How Long Until Repairs Are Forced By a Breakdown?
- Gone. A Pause at Summer’s End.
resources:
- The Divorce Library (reading list)
- Songs of Divorce (free listening library – youtube sourced songs)
- Laugh It Off (building a resource library of funny videos and other diversions)
- Facebook (follow us on Facebook and keep up with all the conversations)
- The 5 Love Languages (a book on love styles by Gary Chapman)
Parthenon Huxley – I Loved Everything About You
And Like That, The World of Possibilities Is Endless Again
click for Helmut Newton Nudes
And one day you are imagining that you will never taste another woman, that what you have gotten in your marriage is the ultimate love affair you will ever have. And then…
In a flash, in a very painful and emotional flash, you understand her to mean that she is done. She is giving up. And soon you must leave your own house and make your way alone again. It is a terrible moment.
And you try and soften it with titty bars and drinking and pornography. But none of it satisfies the hunger nor relieves the pain. In a moment, she has chosen the way out for both of you. And while you cannot see it for the tears in your eyes, there is another life waiting out there. It will come. It will not come easy. It will not be like college or porn or fantasy life. But it will come.
And with the taste and raw scent of another woman the painful knot is torn open. Once and for all you can declare your desires and raving passions. Once again, you must believe that you can find a woman who fully enjoys sex and doesn’t run away, or close off in an isolated grip of silence working so hard to climax.
She is out there, this new woman, these new women. And if you are able to heal yourself they might take you in and love you for a while. Who knows, perhaps marriage number three really is the perfect number. But all the things you’ve learned. All the sacrifices you’ve made in the name of doing what she wants. It is over and now you will write your own terms.
The first time the new woman explodes in an odd rage of anger it is a warning. You remain calm. “This is nothing,” you say to yourself. The second time there is a misunderstanding with the new woman you seek her out and try to understand what is happening. When those efforts only create more irrational rage you leave and go home. The third time is the charm, a moment of playful banter becomes war. She is done. Or rather, you are done with her. There is no time to fix anyone. You are looking for a woman who does not need fixing. A woman who does not need saving. A woman who can rub herself to climax while you are fucking her. A woman who wants it again as soon as you are done.
It won’t be weeks or months before the clothes come off this time. You are free to move about the cabin and choose another partner this time. And when the third foul is called and the unanticipated exchange becomes another fight, it is done, and you can let go easily.
Easily this time, because there is no baggage. There is only now. There is only doing right by your kids. There is only the forgetting of what you had and the dreams of what might come again.
Sincerely,
The Off Parent
< back to On Dating Again index
Resources:
- The Divorce Library (reading list)
- Songs of Divorce (free listening library – youtube sourced songs)
- Laugh It Off (building a resource library of funny videos and other diversions)
- Facebook (follow us on Facebook and keep up with all the conversations)
- The 5 Love Languages (a book on love styles by Gary Chapman)
Lack of Sex
I haven’t had sex with another person going on six months. And if you total up my strained marriage for the last year and a half you can count the sex on less than two hands. And somehow that was okay with her.
It’s true women have all the power when it comes to consensual sex. No matter the seduction or positive behavior, she holds the keys to the kingdom.
I wonder what it will be like to be with a woman loves sex for more than the courtship period. And what if she can cook? Or play tennis!
Future’s so bright…
Sincerely,
The Off Parent
Resources:
- The Divorce Library (reading list)
- Songs of Divorce (free listening library – youtube sourced songs)
- Laugh It Off (building a resource library of funny videos and other diversions)
- Facebook (follow us on Facebook and keep up with all the conversations)
- The 5 Love Languages (a book on love styles by Gary Chapman)
Looking for the Ring: Am I a Hound Dog Now?
So she’s sitting a few booths away with a friend. She’s got on a bright blue top that makes her blue eyes pop electrically. NICE!
And the glitter on her finger is rather sparkly as well. Damn!
So I didn’t used to be this way. But these days, I’m actually actively looking at women’s ring fingers. It’s not like I’m after them. It’s not like I’m really a hound dog. Or…
I am in the hunt again. For what I do not know. But the critical finger on the left hand is now a shining focus. Odd. It feels kind of like a game. And of course that’s not to say that the ring means things are great in their relationship. But if they DON’T have a ring on…
Well… then I am free to flirt at will.
Sincerely,
The Off Parent
Resources:
- The Divorce Library (reading list)
- Songs of Divorce (free listening library – youtube sourced songs)
- Laugh It Off (building a resource library of funny videos and other diversions)
- Facebook (follow us on Facebook and keep up with all the conversations)
- The 5 Love Languages (a book on love styles by Gary Chapman)
Random link: 52% of women would rather be skinny than have sex
