Learning About “I Need You” vs. “I Want You”
We’ve all got needs. And when we were younger, and wanting children, we had needs that involved another person. And for many of us, that meant getting married so we could procreate and live happily ever after. As the story goes in this modern age, many of us find that “ever after” is not as long as we thought. As plans changed between one of the partners in the marriage, so went the change from “need” to “want.”
I believe my ex “wanted” something different for her life. She had gotten the need for children taken care of, and tried to remain a loving and committed wife, but much of that pretense was for the children. When the desire died for her, whatever the reason, she began to think about wants rather than needs.
And as adults restarting the world as singles, we have to make some clear distinctions between wants and needs. I think I slipped into my second marriage still needing to be healed from my first marriage. I overlooked signs that today would’ve been huge red flags. But I was in need of healing, I was in need of a child-bearing and willing partner. All of those things were instrumental in creating the rose-colored view that allowed me to fall in love with someone who was much less able to express emotions than I would’ve preferred.
We can’t change what happened, but we can learn from our past and try to evolve a bit in our next choices. And that for me has become a distinction between want and need.
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“What’s important is, do we want to spend time together? Do we like being together? And then, for me, is this a possible relationship.”
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As I have started dating or spending time with a new woman I am more conscious of that distinction. She has some wounding to get through before she’s ready to open up to the relationship idea. That’s okay, I tell her. I’m in no hurry.
And while I mean what I say, what I really am saying is that I WANT her but I don’t NEED her. I prefer to spend time with her than pursuing many of the other goals and aspirations in my life. I want a relationship.
“And if the relationship doesn’t have the potential to be long-term, I’m not really that interested,” I said to her, yesterday.
“That sounds pretty serious. How is that casual?”
I tried to clarify while treading love landmines and old hurts. “I am looking for a relationship. I desire to be “in relationship.” If you were to tell me you were really only interested in friendship, that would be okay, but I’d probably start dialing back some of the time I’m spending with you. I don’t really need any more “do something together” friends.”
She seemed a bit unconvinced.
“I don’t think we need to be together. I want to be together. We are pretty good at being alone. And we already have children, so that’s not an issue. What’s important is, do we want to spend time together? Do we like being together? And then, for me, is this a possible relationship.”
Again I am trying, learning, to parse out need from want. And sometimes I am aware that my needs are getting in the way of my clarity of mind. Lust, of course, is a powerful driver in relationships and coupling. And both of my marriages had a good deal of lusty passion early on. BOTH of them transformed into something less connected and more business-like.
I don’t need a business partner. There may be some advantages to being a married couple, financially, but the unraveling afterward, if things veer off course, is much too painful to repeat for tax advantages. No, what I want is a passionate partner who also wants to be with me.
I want to want her. I want her to want me. And it’s important that she can express that she wants me. And express what she wants.
We don’t need each other, we crave each other. But after the lustful beginning is burned off, there is a lot of just being together that needs to be engaging, honest, and emotional. I needed a wife, today I want a partner. I will keep trying to remember that the sexual chemistry, while critical to the survival of the relationship, has to be backed up by genuine joy and the ability to express it.
I’m ever hopeful.
Sincerely,
The Off Parent
< back to On Dating Again index
*post written April 2014
related posts:
- Burn the Maps!
- Online Dating Undercover Revelations: OK Cupid (Pt. 1)
- Little Turnoffs: On a First Date with a Woman
- Agua y besos: How Do We Gain So Much Energy from Love?
- The Sensual and the Sexual: Dating After Divorce
- Divorced and Dating Again: What’s the Worst That Could Happen?
resources:
- The Divorce Library (reading list)
- Songs of Divorce (free listening library – youtube sourced songs)
- Laugh It Off (building a resource library of funny videos and other diversions)
- Facebook (follow us on Facebook and keep up with all the conversations)
- The 5 Love Languages (a book on love styles by Gary Chapman)
image: take my hand, gisela giardino, creative commons usage
just for a second (a poem)
walk outside right now
stop stop stop the rush
of this day and moment
and go breathe a cloud in
take a pause to collect
the pieces of your soul
scattered out along the rush
of this work
this adventure
this life
you know
there is no other chance
this is the big show
you should not be waiting
for some sign
if you are
this poem is the sign you were waiting for
don’t wait
go outside
stop driving so hard and fast
open yourself to the softness of an afternoon’s heat
to the smell of the cedar
even as it makes your eyes water
give space for god
or your higher power
to catch up with you
don’t hurry on
don’t interrupt
just listen to a few good deep breaths
IN
and
slowwwwly
OUT
pause
repeat
this break brought to you by war
nearby deaths
tornadoes touching down next door
and all that is sacred in our lives
but ignored
escaped through entertainment
missed with resentments and anger
this break
is the beginning
the opening
for your change to happen
now
right now
in this second
with each word of a poem
you are opening to the pause
the great pause
the slow inhale and exhale
the modern recovery act
i am only here as a friend
a lover
a colleague
in every interaction i hope to encourage
champion
and cheer
for your success
as we both learn to slow it all down
this work/life balance destination
and do it now
do it even if we don’t feel it
do it because it will take effect
more powerfully than any antidepressant
more than sex, or chocolate, or money
the pause
the connection with another person
may be the most two vital practices on the earth
with these words, these strokes of keys on a laptop
i am joining with you
calling for your moment of connection
with your inner voice
your breathing
and your tuning in and dropping out
of the furious pace of your world
please pause
please take the breaks you need
please celebrate those around you
at every moment
and know that i am with you
in this journey to aim our hearts
closer to the beloved
i am here
you are there
we
are
in this most sacred
now
3-23-2022
How Do We Gain So Much Energy from Love? Agua y besos
I can see how people become addicted to the rush of new relationships. There is a heady mix of lust, hunger, newness, and surprise that perks up your energy and hopefulness. And if we can stay on the positive side of it, we can use it to smash through some of the chains that might be binding us to our old relationships. Love heals all wounds, is a saying that you don’t fully understand until you are back in that gravitational pull of the heart.
The newness and novelty is not love, is it? The fresh new body, never discovered or explored is not where love lies, is it? What is in the air when we have begun to lose our despair and look out towards another person with that glow? What causes the glow? And if we could sustain it, like long-distance lovers, could we stay there in the honeymoon phase forever?
And the flip side, when did it start seeping out of our failed marriages? Do the mundane tasks of work, child-rearing, bill paying, maintenance, and chores, wear away the golden glow of our lovers? Is there something we could do now to avoid that letdown?
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Sex seems so new when you’re with a new partner. There are different bodies, different styles, different smells, and frictions. Sex is wonderful. And sex can be… oops… just sex.
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Probably the easiest thing to do would be to protect ourselves from it. Avoid it. Stay in the surface, the sex, the passion, and the fleeting thrill of the new relationship. Once divorced, we are released from the tether and toil of our past, it feels like it’s time to sow our wild oats. And I have a few friends that are truly at peace with sleeping with several partners a week. Until they hit upon one who actually begins to make them think about a future together. “She was great,” my friend said. “But she really started to need me, and I’m not ready for that.”
So, here we are, adults. We often have children and responsibilities from our previous relationships. And we are ready for a little adventure. Why not? We’ve certainly earned it.
Sex seems so new when you’re with a new partner. There are different bodies, different styles, different smells, and frictions. Sex is wonderful. And sex can be… oops… just sex. And after a few of those, I was not interested in “just sex” anymore.
When the mist of desire begins working its magic again, you learn how much you have missed really having that connection with someone. The thought of them makes you smile. The txt while they are away can make you feel connected. And suddenly, uh oh, you’re into it. You want more. You’re not ready for what’s next, you don’t care what’s next, you just want to keep the rush of warmth going.
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Allow time with this other person to be part of what you look forward to, but don’t put all your hopes and dreams on them. Right now you have agua y besos, and there is no better place for you to be.
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How can you open up to the risk of love if opening up to it means the possibility of losing it again? And it is the loss of this magical feeling that is the most painful. The contrast of what your heart is feeling now vs. what you were dealing with the last few years of your marriage. It’s almost enough to make you not want to go there.
But some of us are addicted. The romantic notion of love is real and alive. The hopefulness of a relationship that is durable and sustaining, is something we are prepared to strive for. Certainly, I am overthinking this, as I lean back into the casual joy of being with someone who is wild about me. And feeling those feelings again, of putting a life together that is open and vulnerable to another person.
Water and kisses are enough in the early stages of bliss. But in the long haul, you’ll need to find sustenance and shelter from the storms that are always on the horizon. Better to weather the hurricanes with a partner, you think, as long as that partner doesn’t betray me the way my previous partner did. And there’s the rub. You’ve got the old feelings of loss and anger. You’ve got these new feelings of heat and passion. And somewhere in the middle is the reality of life.
We can’t stay in the “agua y besos” phase forever. And would we really want to? I suppose the serial daters have an addiction to the new high. But I’ve never been able to sustain my passion when there was no more than just sexual attraction.
Feeling the hopefulness coursing through my veins again, I know that my reality is skewed and that taking it slowly is the best course of action. Too frequently we can get swept into decisions based on this wonderful glow. Perhaps that’s how our last relationship ended up in divorce. But not to strive, not to believe that it is possible…
Slow down. Take it easy. Stay in the present moment and enjoy this feeling. You don’t have to figure out the plans. Allow time with this other person to be part of what you look forward to, but don’t put all your hopes and dreams on them. That’s too big to hold. Right now you have aqua y besos, and there is no better place for you to be.
Sincerely,
The Off Parent
*written May 2014
< back to On Dating Again index
related posts:
- Burn the Maps!
- Online Dating Undercover Revelations: OK Cupid (Pt. 1)
- Little Turnoffs: On a First Date with a Woman
- The Sensual and the Sexual: Dating After Divorce
- Divorced and Dating Again: What’s the Worst That Could Happen?
Check out some of my books on Amazon.
image: first kiss?, John Goodridge, creative commons usage
man under water (a poem)
the smoky morning rains have arrived
to remind me of the loss and emptiness
of this moment
as i repose in a new venue
rebuilding
resetting myself
my love
my energies and trajectories
towards higher love
higher ground
higher callings
that still respond to the desire
and the aspirational quest
for a partner
a forever home
to rise and celebrate the suns arrival
together
holding hands
knowing
all is right
with the world
and
in
my
life
this very moment is perfect
and imperfect
i know this longing
i live in this loneliness
i celebrate this awareness
and this second
when i can pull words
out of thin and chillier air
to muse about my future lovers
my future homes
my future resting place
now
i
know
i
am
love
10-27-21
limitless (a poem)
an opening is becoming
moments together
that bring limitless joy
both thrilling and comforting
and a breath in each other’s arms
is a lifetime of what has been missing
all this time
all these days and nights
of seeking and resetting expectations
become stillness
a point in time
with you
is
10-16-21
just press play (a poem)
here we are
moment by moment
there are feelings of joy
exhilaration and madness
when the universe says: go
there is a tendency to press pause
as the feels wash over our bodies
a signal of truth or danger
internal radar scanning the horizon
pushing our pulse up nicely
our eyes sparkle with adventure
seeking the soft landing
the easy target
the vulnerable prey
the source of our affection
has mysteriously arrived
ready and quivering to join up
sync hearts and schedules
when she says yes
the choice will be binary
yes or no
breathe easy
pay close attention to your internal signals
join networks
enter encrypted passwords
show activity
open to the fall and the flight
that comes with elation
as alignments build towards escape velocity
this is your moment
what you’ve been seeking
let go of expectations and preconceptions
ask for the yes to enter fully
into both of your lives
it’s go time
jump out of the plane
into the unknown freefall
let go
be
here
now
just press play
9/16/21
+++
Sexual Energy and the Power of #Desire in Men and Women
I have no authority to write this post, and perhaps it will piss some people off, but I’ve been thinking a lot about sexual energy and the power of desire. Let me explain. As human animals, specifically men, we have been told we are programmed by our sexual desire to be in continuous pursuit for a sexual partner. It’s animal, we’re trying to reproduce and ensure the continuation of our genes. And this sexual pursuit is hard-wired into our brain and body. And from what I experience of my own behavior and fantasies this appears to be true. To a point.
I do love looking at women. Men, not so much. And I do enjoy seeing young, fit, attractive women as well. But they are not sexual objects to me. They are not targets for my affection, they are merely beautiful creations to be appreciative of. The same way I admire a Ferrari. I don’t want a Ferrari, and I don’t really want any of the young women sexually, but they are both amazing to look at. Is this the same thing?
What makes “people watching” so fascinating? I think it is the flow of human beauty that we enjoy looking at. Again, we might initially be more drawn to the fertile and nubile of our human tribe, but this gut reaction is not all about sex. And one thing I’ve noticed about myself, even when I’m sexually depleted, having zero sexual energy, I’m still attracted to watching the flow of women passing by. What could that be about? It’s not about passing my seed, unless this is an unconscious drive, and that’s Freud’s assumption. But it is something sexual. I’m not drawn to men in the same way. Still, I find it fascinating, that even when I have no sexual energy or passion, my mind still get’s “up” for a pretty woman.
As it stands, I’m not in the market for a lover. I have two children, so I’m not in need of procreation. And yet, women, the female form, fascinates me. Is the unconscious hard-wiring that strong? It’s as if I can’t look away without effort. And my attention is not only on the youngest and fittest. In fact, most of the young women resonated with thoughts of my daughter and are actually less interesting for that reason. And maybe that’s the crux. “For that reason” does point towards some sort of sexual tension.
And coming from a man’s perspective, I’m curious if women approach people watching from a similar perspective? I’ve read that women don’t feel sexual energy the same way men do, something about testosterone, but I’ve also read that we underestimate the sexual desire in women due to social mores. I can see how a man might be more driven, if you will forgive my pun, for release. And women might be more driven by security and power. But is that just clichéd thinking? Do women view attractive men in a less sexual manner?
I’m sure there is a difference in the chemistry of men’s and women’s bodies. And I’m sure that testosterone has a role in that “drive” towards sexual fulfillment. But I’m curious, for a population in their 40s – 50s, with “families” already established if the sexual drive is more similar in men and women? Do we both enjoy the sexual thoughts that come from people watching? Aren’t we essentially doing the same thing? Asking that tried and true question of our inexperienced, and pre-family youth, “Would ya do them?”
Sincerely,
The Off Parent
image: frame rate, creative commons usage
in my blue bedroom
[from strange horizons poems]
there is a blue that binds us together
me an d u
a blue so blue
it hurts
my fingers
to t y p e this
just so you know
a blue that reminds me of the time without you
and beds and nights of ocean cool
and a blue so cold
so pure
it felt like i might be dying
with without you
or any thought of you
didn’t exist yet
in my blue bedroom
before u
arrived
3-9-16
dialing back desire
[from strange horizons poems]
let’s say the universe works in mysterious ways
and imagining that
what if a woman showed up
casually
asked to play tennis
not an ordinary woman
not just anyone
a friend
and let’s also imagine
the universe in her mystery
is also capable of delivering you
right at the moment you are ready
whether you think so or not
and just as you’ve said
pause
opt-out
the woman stands up
with a beautiful smile
and some historical knowledge
that could serve as a catalyst
a familiarity
even when whole lifetimes have happened
between your last greeting
so even before the first ball is struck
or skirt worn
there’s a flight of fantasy
a scenario of seduction
and being seduced
because
there is no waiting
no lines
and no other moment
like this one
what if
she’s showed up
because
the universe has finally spun a complete cycle
and brought you back to the restart
try again
listen, look, observe
what if there’s nothing
just an acquaintance
and some new fuzzy yellow balls
that is more than enough
just
the idea
has
potency
i am hopeful
even when letting go
this is no different
this is just a turn of events
a series of events
that hasn’t happened yet
release
there’s no hurry
even if she is the one
if she is
and
she’s here
why
rush
why
hurry through
this
magic
1-7-15
image: spent tennis shoes of the author, cc 2014, creative commons usage
aspirational
[from a coffee love letter – poetry]
i’m doing it again
staked out at the back of a fancy coffee shop
“working”
but really i’m browsing
love of my life after love of my life
like a river of beautiful women
come through the glass doors
unsuspecting of my intent
and harmless intensity
i have shown myself to be a romantic
a poet rather than a player
and really this stream of loveliness
is a cut above my weight and income class
i tried
i hoped to be that earner
i aspired to have a stay at home wife
things didn’t work out as i planned
do they ever?
wave after wave enter the coffee shop
in search of enlightenment
or at least a lift
i could be that jolt
i could be just what she needs
and then…
most-likely
i would not be able to provide
the beautiful car, house, kids, yoga classes
without some contribution
beyond thigh-sculpting
i am distracted from the task at hand
the new client is late
very late
money is flowing out of my pocket with every minute
i sit here, mesmerized
and yet
i am drawn
i am designing
i am reaching for a dream
there she is
and there
and once more
even their boyfriend/husband is irrelevant
at this point
there is nothing
nothing
only the
#desire
8-26-13
calm cool purrs all around
[from Making Love To Other Women – poetry]
i will be another’s cat’s meow
stroking and petting and leisurely napping
we will know each other by instinct
it’s almost as if we had no choice
as we rub tails, whiskers, noses
the trick, as i imagine it
will be to remain aloof and adoring
while expressing and applying
a pressing desire
a nod a nudge a blink
and calm cool purrs all around
but not too her
near her
until she cannot resist
what we’ve both known
since the moment we met
8-25-13
she will remain beautiful and undisturbed
[from a coffee love letter – poetry]
out in the world of fancy coffee shops
new girlfriends walk in the door two or three times an hour
mostly they leave without acknowledging me
it’s okay
i can still see and appreciate her
even as she sits and reads a marginal book
look at those lips
and her imagination
and good choice of snack food
how much of her beautiful body contains god
how much god do i see in curves and legs and pulse
and once that fascination has run a course
where is the gateway drug
a passage into absorption and fascination
and engagement
that grows with time
as taut fights with gravity
and eyes weather with loving days
days of loving
how i could start with her
and awaking more than both of us
awakening a universal celebration
a dance of life and love and longing rewarded
she’s tapping her toes
in beautiful shoes
and smiling at her paperback
and i’m trapped here
in noise-canceling headphones
and a secret
tap tap tap
foot to words
dream to desire
to action
to ask
to
she is fine
just there
just as she is
she doesn’t need a thing
neither do i
i have it all
an instant could transform all this
this instant is not that one
she is here
she will remain beautiful and undisturbed
and i will walk out of this coffee shop
and escape my meandering mind
for the sky
and the sun
and
whatever’s next
6-28-13
image used via creative commons: woman’ feet
this potential
[from a coffee love letter – poetry]
i want her to be gorgeous and a rocket scientist
or a poet
nice shoes, not gaudy shoes
brown hair would be a preference, nothing more
i’d like her to see through my bs
to know that i’m not as confident as i pretend to be
and i’d like to be safe
letting her see that truth
would be a release
i want to let go
and to relax into her arms
to nap with abandon
and share the fruits and the labor
and to enjoy the play between naps and sleep
where is fearless love born
what is the heart of trust
that never breaks
nothing is more important than this
there are many variables
i have a range of preferences
but this is non-negotiable
to have been hurt and yet soar
to know disappointment and still reach for the stars
every great journey must start from here
if the epic quest is to find love
to know how to be loved
and to fearlessly ignite
and stand beside another’s flame
in awe and joy
at seeing a reflection of your hopes
at believing again in someone else
at losing objections
and laughing at obstacles between us
i hold you here
holding my own heart
as an outstretched hand
an invitation
to dance
something cosmic and unknown
to fearlessly let go of everything
to dream and lose the dream
over and over
until we have built
a bonfire of passion and burning of vanities
a stripping of defense
even desire becomes satiated
in you
in this potential of we
in us
6-25-13
i believe, i pray, i fly
[from Making Love To Other Women – poetry]
and if i bring poems to her and she doesn’t understand
when i sing songs and she gets bored
if i offer a casual massage and she’s too busy
what then?
and if i ask and provide opportunities
when i wait and hold out hope
can i become addicted to longing
what then?
i know what missing you feels like
before we’ve even met
i can smell you, and feel your hair in my face
i know what i have lost
and if the shower after the day on the beach
and the cool dark unfamiliar room
rough and clean white sheets
the curtains billowing in the blow of the ac
and if my longing does not call you in
and my waiting proves fruitless again
i can still send out sirens songs
and use this desire as a sail
of course i hunger for her
and a near miss is a miss completely
and a word, a poem, a song, are precious
even without an ear to whisper into
in fibers deep in my soul i know
she is nearby, doing her thing
i am not finished with my baking
these ‘projects’ are just beginning
perhaps at this moment
she would be a distraction
and from afar she is muse, lover, mother
vixen, tease, goddess, everything
i know what longing feels like
i learned to do without even when she was next to me
i can thrive alone, in desirous creation
i don’t want to, but i do
sing along little bird
bring your bright feathers into my mouth
give flight to your fantasies as well
there is time, there is time, there is always time
hearts a flutter in beautiful presence
i am still becoming more loveable
my plan is drawing you in
even as I have failed to execute in the past
i can call, and write, and throw
poems and intentions and agendas at you
i can wait and be patient
to see if you will ignite
perhaps you are that one
that madonna that brings me to god, again
again, I am ready
i believe, i pray, i fly
i believe, i pray, i fly
6-19-13
Unavailable Women of Desire: And Why I Can’t Resist Them
Why not lust after rockstars, movie stars, lesbians, and happily married women? My current path of ”availables” has yielded very little. WAIT! Am I getting discouraged?
Three times last week I fell in love with unavailable women. It’s almost like the early days, of hanging around with “the most beautiful girl in the world.” All the longing and desire are unrequited and unrequitable. But that doesn’t keep the desire from being sparked when in the presence of attractive and powerful women.
But what is it about my mating call that is not working?
1. Perhaps I’m still not looking in the right places
- More church, yoga, hiking groups, meetups
2. Perhaps I’m not the star that I want to be
- Fitness
- Confidence
- Spiritual mojo
3. I’m still too focused on the external desire
- Rather than connecting with my own internal feelings of fulfilled desire
- When I lose 20 pounds, I’ll simply be 20 pounds lighter
- What needs to change?
- How am I not loving myself enough?
4. My productive time is sacred, but I still waste it on Facebook
- Facebook IS procrastination
- Facebook IS NOT creative
- Facebook IS TV
5. Time Spent at Craft
- Butt in seat and writing (screenplay, poetry, blog, music)
- Get the live music show on the road – singer-songwriter path to performances (2 weeks – before end of June)
6. Time With Others
- She will not find me sitting here in my house
- How can I get introduced to more people unless I’m with more people
- What ways do I want to spend time with others?
Update from this weekend. Had a nice long walk and movie with the remaining woman with potential. Time together. Still no kissing. What’s up with that? What does she want? When does she want it? Maybe it’s not me that she wants it from.
Today’s quote from Alan Watts struck me as particularly enlightening with regards to my way forward. I’m always so concerned with not pushing the river. In this quote he gives us permission to push the river if that’s where we feel the connection. The push is happening either way. Our job is to connect with the WOW of everything, rather than focusing on the striving we consider so important.
When I can no longer identify myself with the little man inside, there is nothing left to identify with — except everything! There is no longer the slightest contradiction between feeling like a leaf on a stream and throwing one’s whole energy into responsible action, for the push is the pull. And thus, in using intelligence to change what has hitherto been the course of nature, one has the realization that this is a new bend in the course and that the whole flood of the stream is behind it. — Alan Watts – This Is It
Sincerely,
John McElhenney – life coach austin texas
Facebook | Instagram | Pinterest | @theoffparent
As a certified life coach, I’ve been helping men and women find fulfilling relationships. If you’d like to chat for 30-minutes about your dating/relationship challenges, I always give the first 30-session away for free. LEARN ABOUT COACHING WITH JOHN. There are no obligations to continue. But I get excited every time I talk to someone new. I can offer new perspectives and experiences from my post-divorce dating journey. Most of all, I can offer hope.
< back to On Dating Again index
related posts:
- Casual Sex. What? I Have No Experience with This…
- The Honey Trap: How Beauty Can Lead Us Astray
- Burn the Maps!
- Little Turnoffs: On a First Date with a Woman
resources:
- The Divorce Library (reading list)
- Songs of Divorce (free listening library – youtube sourced songs)
- Laugh It Off (building a resource library of funny videos and other diversions)
- Facebook (follow us on Facebook and keep up with all the conversations)
- The 5 Love Languages (a book on love styles by Gary Chapman)
The Death of Desire
I have to be clear here, there was never any loss of desire on my part. But I wonder how it must’ve seeped away from my ex-y’s side.
Is there some point at which the longing for connection is killed? Can it be killed on purpose, or through weeks and months of anger? There was never a time when I didn’t long to connect and join with my former wife. In fact, there was a moment six weeks ago, when I seemingly asked her to reconsider her decision.
I understood at that moment that I was really not asking her for a reconciliation. What I was telling her, and confirming for myself, was how much I still loved her and wanted our separation to end. Of course the separation I was hoping to fuse back into a relationship had been gaping for quite some time. And the request was more about setting the record straight, even one last time, that I was not in favor of the divorce. The tearing of our family fabric was the worst cost I could imagine.
People have been saying in response to my revelation about the completion of my divorce, “Well, at least it’s over. I mean, you may not have wanted it to happen, but if it had to happen, at least you guys didn’t drag it out.”
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But that was not when the desire was extinguished. I cannot put my finger on it for her because I was not aware of it’s departure. For me, I can still feel a longing for her beauty and for her strong soul.
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No we didn’t drag it out. After a week or so of furious negation, I agreed to give my wife a divorce. Just when we were in a position to leap forward in our relationship she was bailing out. Just when we had refinanced the house for 23,000 cash out, she was deciding to go for a divorce. Just when she was preparing a path for a new full-time job for herself, she was convinced she had given it her all and was done.
But that was not when the desire was extinguished. I cannot put my finger on it for her because I was not aware of it’s departure. For me, I can still feel a longing for her beauty and for her strong soul. And I guess I will continue to recognize this desire in myself until I have found a new person to join with.
Love is a celebration. Sex is an affirmation. Closeness and touch in and of itself is enough. When desire dies perhaps the soul of a relationship dies with it. And if the death is one-sided, perhaps it takes a very strong will to convince the other person that it is over. I know I am not convinced as much as resigned. After all, I now have a copy of the registered decree. Everything between the moment she asked for the divorce and this time was more about mechanics than passion or pleasure. And through the mechanics of the divorce I have accepted the need to refocus my desire on things I can influence.
Sincerely,
The Off Parent
Resources:
- The Divorce Library (reading list)
- Songs of Divorce (free listening library – youtube sourced songs)
- Laugh It Off (building a resource library of funny videos and other diversions)
- Facebook (follow us on Facebook and keep up with all the conversations)
- The 5 Love Languages (a book on love styles by Gary Chapman)
