Last night I began to get the picture.

I spent a casual evening with one of the women with potential. And the contrast could not have been more pronounced. There was no kissing, no driven agenda, but just spending time together.

When the desire is there, and the feelings necessary to connect, the next ingredient is time.

If both participants don’t put forth the effort to make time for the relationship to grow… That’s the answer right there.

Just this week, the smiling girl backed out of an opportunity. And even when I offered additional options, and texted her the next day. There were no plans to be made. I’m fine with being the initiator, but I won’t be the only one putting out the offers. It’s very telling when the other person stops offering ideas.

So she’s gone quiet.

And often I would be the one, like a puppy dog, doing somersaults to try and interest them in the “next thing.” But not today. If the mutual effort is not there, that may be the biggest tell of all. Once the effort is not mutually beneficial, the energy for making it happen gets lopsided. And it DOES feel like a game. A bit. This idea of not calling them because you put the last offer in and it got no response. BUT, it’s also a very subtle system of energy and intention.

1. Smiling girl is quite a runner. She makes time, every day, for running. She is distressed if she misses a day in her routine.
2. Our first meeting was facilitated because she was too tired to run, so why don’t we get together.
3. We had some fun at our first date and second date, where we had lunch on Mother’s Day.
4. She backed out of our next opportunity, because she was late getting back into town, and was feeling tired…
5. The next night, I texted her around the end of the day, “Just saying hi, seeing what’s next…”
6. We exchanged pleasantries. She loves to complement my humor. “Ha ha ha ha.”
7. Nothing.

In my equation, she interrupted the flow. It’s okay, I was stretching to see if I could actually be with a beautiful but non-creative person. (The jury is still out on that concept.) But, I felt a bit of a loss. I was looking forward to accepting that kissing offer she put out after our first “date.”

But I am also aware, that I was ready to engage in less-than-100%. For some reason, loneliness, thrill, change of pace, I was willing to move things forward, even when I had my doubts about the real value of the relationship potential. I think I was infatuated with her neck. (grin)

Contrast this with the wonderful developments of the second woman with potential, who’s presented herself again, as interested.

1. We had made casual plans to go out on Saturday night.
2. Mid-afternoon, yesterday, Friday, she said, “I had something else come up on Sat. Sorry. But I’m available tonight.”
3. She would contact me after a professional networking party she needed to attend.
4. When she did contact me, we checked in. She had stated earlier that she was not too full of energy at the moment. We made plans, even at 9:30.
5. I came to her house without pomp or circumstance. She had gotten a dvd of a movie she wanted to see. We sat on the couch. We held hands. We chatted, laughed, and enjoyed each other’s company.
6. She walked me to my car at midnight, when I was heading home. We held hands as we walked.
7. I mentioned my joy at the evening, “Massively casual.”
8. “Yes.”

There was no need in my book to try and confirm or set up a future time together. The time with her was easy, close, and yes… casual.

I’ve said to her in several calls and emails, that while I’m intentional, I am not ambitious or driven to move things along with her. I’m more interested in being with her. Spending time with someone I like. I’m fascinated by her. That is enough.

She is responsive. She is private and protective of her space and time. And she has some magical combination of massive sensuality and creative writerly fantasy woman. DANGER! (I kid myself!)

It’s easy for me to imagine how I would/could fall in love with her. But the first step is just time. Time before the adoration sets in. Time doing simple and mundane things. Mutually arranged and beneficial time together. It’s easy to feel confident when the effort to find another time flows from both sides. If it’s only one partner, the balance shifts in some fundamental way.

It’s important to me that the reaching out is mutual. Last night while we were side by side on the couch, she also reached out and held or stroked my arm from time to time. It was non-sexual, it was awesome, it was just pure affection. I cannot generate that myself. I can draw it in, ask for it, and attempt to stir it up in her, but the reaching out (or reaching back) is up to the other person.

The other woman with potential said something in one our over-thinking sessions, “Because if it did develop into a relationship, there’s then going to be more demand for time. More desire for time together.”

Yes.

Sincerely,

The Off Parent

*written May 2013

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related posts:

• Tired of Kissin Frogs
• Oh First Date Closure, What Are You Saying?
• Losing Charge or Building Up Energy?
• On The Planet of Over Thinking: Sublimating Desire
• Casual Red Dresses and Hints of Victoria’s Secret Beneath

resources:

• The Divorce Library (reading list)
• Songs of Divorce (free listening library – youtube sourced songs)
• Laugh It Off (building a resource library of funny videos and other diversions)
• Facebook (follow us on Facebook and keep up with all the conversations)
• The 5 Love Languages  (a book on love styles by Gary Chapman)

 image: beautiful young couple relaxing, richard foster, creative commons usage