a swarm of letters (a poem)
a swarm of letters
rustles in my head
pulls me up and out
coffee
dogs
kisses
symphony of birds
whistling their hearts out
in choruses that bring harmony to the world
and chaos of of stars
hiding just behind the dawn sky
summoning aspirational dreams
into sounds lining up in my head
and soft clicking of the keys
brushing up against your synapses
in an attempt at communication
love
mystery
desire
and the infinite feeling
of
home
6-26-22
wishing forward (a poem)
this valentine’s day
wishing forward
i don’t want safe
ready
available
good enough
i want
to be
YES
and
YES
and
YES AGAIN
over and over
YES
you
YES
and
ONLY YOU
12-17-21
physics between us
[from strange horizons poems]
i’m keeping an eye out
and ear to the ground
putting my love on the air
crafting words and notes
running harder
eating less
hoping bigger than ever
and yet…
somewhere out there
she is feeling deeply
smiling happily in spite of it all
imagining romance will eventually return
hoping for the best
being mindful of her body and spirit
in a content place
like a positive and negative electron
we are already bound in our spiral
while our trajectories are unknown
their eventual intersection
is a matter of physical law
and time
plus energy
there is no waiting
there is action and motion
momentum and improvements
aspirations and accomplishments
joy and the awareness
of another’s love
it could be close
it could be far
the eventuality is certain
the anticipation is delicious
if i can remember
to strive less
enjoy more
and be
happy
alone
12-18-14
image: particle physics, kevin dooley, creative commons usage
shooting arrows at the moon
[from strange horizons poems]
i have work to do
and i’m thinking about women again
the absence of them, actually
in my life
in the romantic sense
i’ve got sister, daughter, niece, and mom
and not a single bosom to lay my head
this time of year
it’s a problem
or at least a hardship
of course, it is no different than last year
except i’d just come off a deep jag
with a beautiful young mom
who had a penchant for silences
and filling them with music videos
fancy meals and drugs
i couldn’t sustain
the celebration
long enough to understand or feel
how our connection might evolve
into a higher…
wait!
a more solid…
no!
it wasn’t about that
let’s be honest
she was 11 years younger
she was beautiful
she was willing
is there any further explanation needed
still
i would do with her comfort today
tonight, rather
and yet, i wait and hunger
with intention
it *is* the evolution i’m seeking
a transformation of some sort
of me
of my trajectory
and flights of fancy
my arrow is aimed at the moon
and i will settle for nothing less
than overwhelming joy
12-14-14
image: goldion moon, johnathan leung, creative commons usage
Things Broken and Unsaid: From Marriage to Divorce
Sometimes, from broken things, beautiful things are made.
It’s hard this time of year (December) to not have a home. I’m not whining. I’m in restructuring mode. And I’d have to say I’m a bit more settled this year than I was last year when this reality dawned on me: I could not afford my house and my child support payments.
So it’s also especially hard to drop the kids off at my old house, a mere 5 years ago, and still see things I wanted to fix. Seeing my son’s room in total disarray. I hunger for a way to support him, but it’s not my place. It’s not my house. Even if I installed the light fixtures in his room, and the heavy black out curtains.
As a dad, when you get divorced, 90% of the time you are going to be the one asked to leave the house. That’s just the way it is. And as reality begins to set in, after you’ve gained your emotional balance again, you realize that affording a house and a large child support payment is going to be a stretch. Perhaps you’re lucky enough to have plenty of money, so that the issues are more *how* to split the money rather than “where’s the money going to come from.” But that wasn’t the case in my marriage nor my divorce.
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So while I’m whistling Blue Christmas by Elvis, I’m actually more clear-headed and positive than I’ve been in a long time.
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When you are comfortably housed you take a lot of things for granted. Even as I complained about my little starter cottage it was still mine. I set my own rules, made or didn’t make my own bed, and … as things would have it, do the dishes when I felt like it and leave them in the sink when I didn’t feel like it. There’s a lot of freedom in establishing your new identity through a home. Even as mine was not a perfect fit, there were some wonderful aspects of it that I miss. I could walk the neighborhood and end up at the edge of a lake. In the summer I would jump in as a finish to my exercise.
But that’s not the way it is, now. And it’s still going to be several months before I get into a financial position, including child support payments, where I can begin looking for my own place again. I’m a bit ashamed of my misfortune and poor planning. Oh, and the economy and all that stuff. But really, I just miss having a place where I can spread out, claim, celebrate, and cry that’s all my own. This year’s Christmas lights carry a slightly different nostalgia for me, now that I don’t have any place to put them if I had them.
I’m not wallowing in the sadness. In fact, I’m about as happy as I’ve ever been. (I seem to say that a lot. Is it a mantra? A prayer? An affirmation I *need* to believe?) In spite of the circumstances, most of the aspects of my life are going quite well.
- I’m healthy in mind and body and getting fitter by the month.
- My creative juice has remained strong all year.
- I am enjoying all the time with my kids I am giving.
- My stress level is extremely low.
- I’m basking in my aloneness rather than seeking a mate.
- My super-flexible schedule has allowed me to catch up with some old friends.
- I’m playing tennis or exercising 5 or more times a week.
- My work is steady and rewarding and building momentum.
So while I’m whistling Elvis’ Blue Christmas, I’m actually more clear-headed and positive than I’ve been in a long time. I’ve got a ton of things to be grateful for, and tonight, getting to decide on tonight’s schedule and entertainment is actually a pleasure, without even a tinge of sadness.
Again, I’m sure I say these things, in some form of self-regulation, where I’m soothing my sad self (I know it’s there) by accentuating my happy self. But as I look back on the last few months on this blog, I’m a bit pleased with ratio of bitching posts vs. love poems.
Yes my siren song is going out. I’m approaching my 10,000 hours of love poetry, at some point, and I realize this too as a form of self-regulation. I am writing love poems, poems of desire, as a form of hope. By affirming my own longing and desire I am also learning more things about the structure and shape of my heart.
I am deciding to be alone, at this time. I have shut down all dating activity and profiles for a moment to reflect on me and my last year. Two books of poetry and a CD of music in 2014! Not bad. Sometimes, from broken things, beautiful things are made.
Sincerely,
The Off Parent
@theoffparent
back to Single Parenting
related posts:
- A Moment of Zen With the Ex-Wife
- Single Parenting Magic – The SPO Has Given a Happy Moment
- Ferris Bueller Gets a Divorce – My Dad’s Divorce Blog – The Movie
- Everyone Loses In Divorce – What We Can Never Get Back
- Of Course You’re Not Happy With Me, We’re Divorced
image: DYHaC, andres rodriguez, creative commons usage
i am i
[from strange horizons poems]
i don’t think i have made my case very well
either that or i’m not who i think i am
maybe a little of both
maybe you can’t see me
the me i am becoming
that’s the trick
we see who we want each other to be
we imagine who we’d like to be close to
and we just don’t know
from a distance we see
eyes
smiles
hair
figure
but nothing about the inside
unless you can look for that with your heart
i think i sense a person’s energy
their joy is either ON or OFF
mixed states are too ambiguous
i know who i am
i know what i’m putting out
but
i learn all the time
that i have a very limited understanding
of who i present myself as
what i’m putting out to the world in my mind
is different to what people (women) are receiving
maybe i think too much
maybe i talk too much
one thing i know
i think too much
so
today
release and relax
i am
i
alone
happy
transmitting on all channels
joy
12-10-14
image: the author performing in dec. 2014
where to find me
[from a second wave – poetry]
i want you all over me again
so i cannot forget
so you don’t ever wash off
or grow distant, bored, tired
i’ll sing for my supper
and for breakfast, lunch
and some afternoon delights
on the horizon of our afternoons
still to come
can i ask you for more
is it too soon to hope for
for something
for love
for even more
yes
i know it is too soon
and i know i can’t ask again
i won’t surround you with kisses
even if that’s what i’d like to do
i’m sitting back
chill, i think you like that word
and it’s telling
no worries, all good, everything is happy
and we’re all fine
and we all fall in love all the time
and it’s not an issue for us
we’re just starting
some complex dance
or could it be
as simple
as
sex
that fits
that laughs
that holds no demands or judgements
could it be so easy
to fall into
bed
not love
just bed
and keep falling
for a long long drink
of the nectar that you bring
i feel myself getting stronger
in your glow and shine
in the smell you leave on me
all over me
8-18-14
image: bedzine, creative commons usage
