love will find us
[from strange horizons poems]
like a vapor trail
today
i knew she was close
not here
but i felt her
in the chocolate aisle
and near the greek yoghurt
contemplating ph balance
and organic yoga wear
she shops alone
at whole foods market
of course she does
the intersections here
of everything we eat
drink and breath
the potently scented oils
the luffa sponges
and honey lip balm
and how will i time our arrival
or know if she’s vegetarian
or just paleo
does she bring her own bags
that last question was
silly
of course she has bags
that she will fill
with damp kale
and grass-fed butter
i’ve been watching
as couples, families, kids
bums, yoginis, hipsters
move in and out
watching their slow
descent from above
but so far i have been distracted
my research slightly amiss
until today
after i dropped off my daughter
and came here
to watch
watching is not fulfilling
but i have learned
more than you might think
about couples that fit
and others in transition
but most people are happy here
weaving through the healthy food
seeing other health minded folks
with money and time for fancy fruits
and bubble baths
made from dead sea salts
if it were up to me
she would’ve been seeking a pinot
just now
as our eyes crossed
smiled and asked
is there one you prefer
yes
12-28-14
image: wfm 2014, cc the author, creative commons usage
calling all lovers
[from strange horizons poems]
doesn’t your soul love to travel
isn’t your heart ready to soar
and in these moments when you are grounded
can’t you still taste the salt
remember the heat
and anticipation of a kiss
memory of the burning
and skin worn glow
12-27-14
image: secret kiss, kristen, creative commons usage
physics between us
[from strange horizons poems]
i’m keeping an eye out
and ear to the ground
putting my love on the air
crafting words and notes
running harder
eating less
hoping bigger than ever
and yet…
somewhere out there
she is feeling deeply
smiling happily in spite of it all
imagining romance will eventually return
hoping for the best
being mindful of her body and spirit
in a content place
like a positive and negative electron
we are already bound in our spiral
while our trajectories are unknown
their eventual intersection
is a matter of physical law
and time
plus energy
there is no waiting
there is action and motion
momentum and improvements
aspirations and accomplishments
joy and the awareness
of another’s love
it could be close
it could be far
the eventuality is certain
the anticipation is delicious
if i can remember
to strive less
enjoy more
and be
happy
alone
12-18-14
image: particle physics, kevin dooley, creative commons usage
dateless
[from strange horizons poems]
i’m struggling in the dark again
striving against feeling alone
and failing
it’s
a long night ahead
and how your ear should be curled about
and whispered into
sweet poems
and
later
a kiss
12-17-14
image: dark, ekaterina nosenko (katia), creative commons usage
dark falling
[from strange horizons poems]
i fell into the black hair of a woman today
and i couldn’t get back out
i followed her for a bit
but as she got into her car to leave
i knew i was in trouble
it’s not working
whatever i’m doing
the winter chill has arrived
and passed right through my bones
and the bed is colder and wider
than i can ever remember it being
she’s moved on
in some unknown direction
towards her loved ones and family
it’s the family time of year
and i’m stuck in the dark
whistling to keep myself company
wishing i knew some secret
for calling in a lover
or even a snuggle bunny
of course
i’ve sworen off the pursuit
of course i have
it’s easy
don’t feel
don’t think about it
eat well
see movies
work hard
and forget about the lump below the breastbone
there’s no time like the future
when she arrives
i’ll have to contain my enthusiasm
so as not to scare her right back on her way
it’s been a while
you see
not as long as i has been before
but long enough
that i’m beginning to thrash
and fall
into passing shiny lengths of hair
passing by
she could’ve been 100 years old
i only saw the sway and shimmer
of the deep place
where i curled up
in the seconds as she passed by
i can still feel my hands and feet
so i know i’m still alive
this is no dream
and i am still wanting
dark
seeping
feelings
and smells
of
a
woman
12-15-14
image: lonely places #3 – anticipation, leda carter, creative commons usage
shooting arrows at the moon
[from strange horizons poems]
i have work to do
and i’m thinking about women again
the absence of them, actually
in my life
in the romantic sense
i’ve got sister, daughter, niece, and mom
and not a single bosom to lay my head
this time of year
it’s a problem
or at least a hardship
of course, it is no different than last year
except i’d just come off a deep jag
with a beautiful young mom
who had a penchant for silences
and filling them with music videos
fancy meals and drugs
i couldn’t sustain
the celebration
long enough to understand or feel
how our connection might evolve
into a higher…
wait!
a more solid…
no!
it wasn’t about that
let’s be honest
she was 11 years younger
she was beautiful
she was willing
is there any further explanation needed
still
i would do with her comfort today
tonight, rather
and yet, i wait and hunger
with intention
it *is* the evolution i’m seeking
a transformation of some sort
of me
of my trajectory
and flights of fancy
my arrow is aimed at the moon
and i will settle for nothing less
than overwhelming joy
12-14-14
image: goldion moon, johnathan leung, creative commons usage
unanswered letters
[from strange horizons poems]
can a woman love as deeply as i imagine
do poetic phrases wash around someone else’s pretty head
can i be matched
will the song i’m spinning
be heard
answered
kissed back
as the vapor trails of my last lover
dissipate and dissolve
i forget
how good i can feel
smells and smiles
and moments
together
parting
missing another person
again
i seek
because i
feel
i call
because i hunger
for
her
12-10-14
i am i
[from strange horizons poems]
i don’t think i have made my case very well
either that or i’m not who i think i am
maybe a little of both
maybe you can’t see me
the me i am becoming
that’s the trick
we see who we want each other to be
we imagine who we’d like to be close to
and we just don’t know
from a distance we see
eyes
smiles
hair
figure
but nothing about the inside
unless you can look for that with your heart
i think i sense a person’s energy
their joy is either ON or OFF
mixed states are too ambiguous
i know who i am
i know what i’m putting out
but
i learn all the time
that i have a very limited understanding
of who i present myself as
what i’m putting out to the world in my mind
is different to what people (women) are receiving
maybe i think too much
maybe i talk too much
one thing i know
i think too much
so
today
release and relax
i am
i
alone
happy
transmitting on all channels
joy
12-10-14
image: the author performing in dec. 2014
imaginary you
[from a second wave – poetry]
word word word and more words
ricochet around my mind
until sleep becomes an aspiration
of course it is you i reach for
with line and letter
of multiplying
romance
and hopeful promise
of imaginary you
11-26-14
image: sueño de luz, jesus solana, creative commons usage
in the flames of future lovers
[from a second wave – poetry]
i want a dangerous woman
attitude to spare
swagger to match mine
type-a
…
wait.
is that part of the problem
am i addicted to adrenal acceleration
are the dangerous curves i wish for
part of my crash and burn routine
wait.
something sedate
wholesome
adoring
less driven
less ferarri
wait.
in the moments we do have left
i want to spark and burn
bonfires to old vanities
offerings to gods lesser known
pagan and sweaty
wait.
wait.
go
11-21-14
image: g-golden girl, kamillia, oliveira, creative common usage
how do we lose touch
[from a second wave – poetry]
in the boots and scarves of other women
i begin to feel hopeful and lost at the same time
the distance between me and another human
sometimes appears unmanageable
and she too perhaps his feeling the call of fires
and the smell of winter arriving
and warm beds that should be shared
but are not
so i wander organic food stores
smiling and seeking
or today, giving it a rest
and still she is everywhere around me
and i hold onto the hope
the promise in a love poem
of a night
a morning
a breakfast together afterwards
11-18-14
a momentary venus
[from a second wave – poetry]
and her smile was beautiful as she waited in the restaurant
i was happy to see her, she wasn’t waiting for me
and in my release, my letting go of the pursuit in general
i could see her for herself and not a target
young, pretty, eager, poised on the edge of the bench
i would like to have someone waiting with such joy
but it is the season of solitude and restructuring dreams
i heard her laugh, the most happy laugh in the place
from across the room i took note of her still
just appreciating her joy, her radiant eyes
and the way she stay focused on her friend
who had arrived moments after me
a woman, another young woman, another joyous greeting
i too was happy and attentive
and a little transfixed
but it was a longing for something else
some other smile and joy of my own
and my migas arrived and the water was tasteless
but i didn’t need any more coffee on this cold morning
i needed an inspiration
a touch
a
woman
11-16-14
sounding in the cold
[from a second wave – poetry]
how could you not hear my call
and the passion i pour out nightly
how long will it take for you to arrive
the winter has come again
snows are not far behind
and i dread the bone dead cold
the ache i know will come
in the night, without you
11-12-14
image: caitlin in the mushroom, dave gingrich, creative commons usage
halfway home
[from a second wave – poetry]
word after word word word
letter shapes textures and
sound sound sound
and you here
and you not here
and you
streaming stream of consciousness
of prayer song or song
that sing sings through my veins
at the mind map a have drawn of you
of the yes/no/maybe we are becoming
and the pause
at wait
and release
expectations and exhalations
and meeting you
halfway there
halfway house
half the way home
10-24-14
glistening
[from a second wave – poetry]
the sound of you
the feel, touch, taste
in my imagination
we are floating together
in the ocean
sun, sand, waves
that coursing sound
in our ears
and hearts
i hear your echoes
even from this distance
even before we’ve met
i hear you
in here
(touches chest)
and sometime
nearby
i will touch yours
and listen for
resonance
of joy
10-22-14
image: ocean spirit, philip male, creative commons usage
permanent word loss
[from a second wave – poetry]
yet another love poem
pay little or no attention to the details
drop it, delete it
forget that i’m writing to you
as i have gotten further removed
i have begun speaking in poetry
i’m sorry
it’s like an illness
this affliction of dropping words
cutting away any story
and looking for clues
in letters and sounds
i just like the way you feel
and i’m sort of waiting
for someone just like you
the you that i imagine
and write sonnets to
in hopes that some translation
is going to gain purchase
somewhere in the labyrinth of you
and light up some resonant response
like a call and answer
if you don’t comprehend
please don’t worry
let everything go
10-20-14
image: musical chairs, garrett coakley,creative commons usage
and the return message
[from a second wave – poetry]
it is best if i don’t tell her
if i keep my passions restrained
and her curiosity engaged
about what i’m doing
what i’m thinking
am i thinking about someone else
if she knows she’s got me
she can begin to relax
might be inclined to running away
we’ve been here before
and i learn
sublimate
quiet down
poems are abstractions of love
i cannot love her this much
in the time we’ve had
it is not possible
she must know this
but the romantic illusions
seem scientific to her
the words ring as declarations
and her independence is at risk
that’s not how i think about it
about her hips and kisses
she can be everything to me
and Aphrodite still has a hold
on the language and aspirations
even if she is just a woman
a plane woman
a beautiful and desirable woman
she is just a woman after all
the poems are sent to goddesses
as worship and prayer
i call for “her”
but i don’t know what she would look like
what it might feel like if my poem
were answered, embraced head-on
i’d like to try
i’d give it a go
i’m still calling out for something
more available and easy
and yet
i am here now
everything is okay and blissful
in some aspects
i am exactly where i am supposed to be
i don’t know what’s next
i dream and desire for more
bigger
resolution is not the answer
there will be no resolution
we, we will be, a work in progress
always in progress of compromise and desire
expectations that cannot be met
and others that are fulfilled with aces
i wait for now
poems offline and out of view
for fear of giving her reason to freak
to misunderstand a word of desire
a phrase of something other than her
and i get it
i kind of understand
but i haven’t experienced it
even with two artists as ex’s
i don’t recall any love poems returning
i wish for them
i ask the gods to send her
and what i have is her
enough
real and plainsong beautiful
the goddess in high heels is too much
and i become uncomfortable
shy even
or angry, i’m not sure which
for if the goddess really received
and my lyrics were true
all my desires, by now, would be filled
but that’s not what it’s like
that’s not now, or here, or her
in this moment
i want for nothing
her smile perhaps
her kisses
and dark liaisons
and the return message
“yes”
6-21-14
image: red, paul meulman, creative commons usage
the green bike girl
[from a second wave – poetry]
the green bicycle flashed by
and i caught a glimpse of tan smooth legs
and white sneakers pumping away
as she swerved into traffic
away from me
it was enough to make me want to follow
to turn into the incoming traffic
i have a thing for cute legs
i guess
or cute women
or… something more insidious
just “cute”
the rest of the story is made up in my head
she
the she i see
has little to do with the woman riding the bike
her choice of shampoo
or what color the sheets are on her bed
are all part of my imagination
long after the flash of desire
the brilliant green outline of her bike
the contrast of her strong legs and bright shoes
and the flash inside my brain
a synapse that fires with regular abandon
nothing to be done about it
but say “ah yes” a pretty woman
a pretty young girl on a bike
and this amazingly hungry heart of mine
and head full of poetic imaginings
some might call it obsessive or compulsive
but i prefer artistic
romantic
prolific
these words that frame my desire
in something other than reality
because how much of what we fall in love with
is reality?
are we in love with the chores and mundane beats of life
do we thrive at our desks
far away from the objects of our affection
without the poetic mind
my life would be quite boring
i would be afraid more often than i am
i would love less deeply
i would stay on the surface when my heart says dive
i would never see more than the flash of leg
and the turning away of a young soul
but i see more
i love more
i derive pleasure from things that are not real
ideas that are never expressed
loves that are never culminated
and it’s okay
it’s how i want to be
i want her too
but she’s not here anymore
and until then
sometimes a green bike
holds a key to unlock
hopefulness
in beauty
and time
and
most importantly
love
again
6-12-14
image: schwinn racer, richard masoner, creative commons usage
symphony and storm
[from Making Love To Other Women – poetry]
in symphony and storm
i lean into the idea you leave inside me
in crash and fire
song and string
i can only imagine your caress here and now
in the flashing dark
i would swallow you whole
if there were a way to take you
with me
to satisfy the hunger for your skin
and smile
and laughter
it is easier in this moment
to point out what won’t work
than to hope towards the fit we crave
the exposed heart
opened again
vulnerable
but the trembling drums
and flashes of brilliance
illuminate just an outline
of what is possible
of how you felt
of what i can remember
we could try and pretend
that our souls weren’t seeking connection
we can say we’re complete, alone
but we can’t deny the fireworks
and the warmth that caught our minds
when we met
when across the room
our two broken spirits
recognized a kindred ache
it might be easier to listen
to the no
the reasons for avoiding the flame
and the fearful counsel of the firefighters
and weathermen
predicting more storms ahead
but under the rumble i hear the timpani
in the shuddering booms i know the melody
and in your arms
i’ve held one more cello
tight and warm
to my chest
and listened
to your breathing
seeking echoes
or rests
in this night of symphony and storm
i hold a projection of you
who i imagine you to be
who i hoped for in previous attempts
at writing the masterpiece
today i have a few notes
some scribbled maps, burned at the edges
and a hope
5-13-14
image: cello bridge, andrew sutherland ,creative commons usage
magnetic joy
[from Making Love To Other Women – poetry]
my sly grin and magnetic joy
what i am perfecting, in this loneliness
i have not grown tired of the pursuit
only the futility of my demands
9-12-13
eyes to the bottom of the pool
[from Misconfigurations of Love – poetry]
i’m not waiting for her to make the first move
kiss first
ask for the 2nd date
but I am anticipating that she will provide
some sign
an indication
that will fuel or foul my flames
and she did
and it was a no
and now I can move on
i may never know what why or how
and she will most likely not offer
so we drift
back to our lanes
eyes to the bottom of the pool
and swim on
10-13-13
image: hockney inspired photo
what can i tell you from here?
[from a coffee love letter – poetry]
if i told you… wait, what can i tell you from here?
these are not coded messages for anyone else but you
if you are listening you will hear my voice
and feel the pull of my incantations
i have laid down arms
i am lighting fires
i dance alone
hoping
for
u
9-26-13
ready
[from Misconfigurations of Love – poetry]
let me test theories of tenderness across your toes
and give flight to dalliances within walled and secret spaces
let me pry opening thoughts into your aches
and see if there is available lighting inside
i will stroke and stoke each ember
i will whisper them awake at night
and again at the sunrise
shelter and protect and build to a burning blaze
and collapse along side
without hurry or chore
blameless and alight and at rest
ready
9-6-13
