Divorce, Single Parenting, Dating, Sex, & Self-Recovery

and the return message

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[from a second wave – poetry]

it is best if i don’t tell her

if i keep my passions restrained
and her curiosity engaged
about what i’m doing
what i’m thinking
am i thinking about someone else

if she knows she’s got me
she can begin to relax
might be inclined to running away
we’ve been here before
and i learn
quiet down

poems are abstractions of love
i cannot love her this much
in the time we’ve had
it is not possible
she must know this
but the romantic illusions
seem scientific to her
the words ring as declarations
and her independence is at risk

that’s not how i think about it
about her hips and kisses
she can be everything to me
and Aphrodite still has a hold
on the language and aspirations
even if she is just a woman
a plane woman
a beautiful and desirable woman
she is just a woman after all
the poems are sent to goddesses
as worship and prayer

i call for “her”
but i don’t know what she would look like
what it might feel like if my poem
were answered, embraced head-on
i’d like to try
i’d give it a go
i’m still calling out for something
more available and easy

and yet
i am here now
everything is okay and blissful
in some aspects
i am exactly where i am supposed to be
i don’t know what’s next
i dream and desire for more

resolution is not the answer
there will be no resolution
we, we will be, a work in progress
always in progress of compromise and desire
expectations that cannot be met
and others that are fulfilled with aces

i wait for now
poems offline and out of view
for fear of giving her reason to freak
to misunderstand a word of desire
a phrase of something other than her

and i get it
i kind of understand
but i haven’t experienced it
even with two artists as ex’s
i don’t recall any love poems returning
i wish for them
i ask the gods to send her

and what i have is her
real and plainsong beautiful
the goddess in high heels is too much
and i become uncomfortable
shy even
or angry, i’m not sure which
for if the goddess really received
and my lyrics were true
all my desires, by now, would be filled

but that’s not what it’s like
that’s not now, or here, or her
in this moment
i want for nothing

her smile perhaps
her kisses
and dark liaisons
and the return message



image: red, paul meulman, creative commons usage

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