an opening is becoming
moments together
that bring limitless joy
both thrilling and comforting
and a breath in each other’s arms
is a lifetime of what has been missing
all this time
all these days and nights
of seeking and resetting expectations
become stillness
a point in time
with you
is
10-16-21
i’d like to tell you that this is my new girlfriend
i’d be jumping the gun a bit
see, we’ve just met
or at least, i think we’ve met
we are still meeting
still searching for touchpoints
and energies that reach beyond both our arms
she’s reaching for me
with the same intentional desire
arrows pointing directly at our hearts
taking the heady overthinking out of the equation
of course
the math does not add up
the days do not equal the days we’ve been connected
an hour can seem like a lifetime
a kiss can feel like a vortex
pulling deep breaths
releasing and relaxing
letting go of old attachments
and
not
quite
ready
to
say
the
word
the universal
word
of
attachment
beloved
10-14-21
here we are
moment by moment
there are feelings of joy
exhilaration and madness
when the universe says: go
there is a tendency to press pause
as the feels wash over our bodies
a signal of truth or danger
internal radar scanning the horizon
pushing our pulse up nicely
our eyes sparkle with adventure
seeking the soft landing
the easy target
the vulnerable prey
the source of our affection
has mysteriously arrived
ready and quivering to join up
sync hearts and schedules
when she says yes
the choice will be binary
yes or no
breathe easy
pay close attention to your internal signals
join networks
enter encrypted passwords
show activity
open to the fall and the flight
that comes with elation
as alignments build towards escape velocity
this is your moment
what you’ve been seeking
let go of expectations and preconceptions
ask for the yes to enter fully
into both of your lives
it’s go time
jump out of the plane
into the unknown freefall
let go
be
here
now
just press play
9/16/21
+++
it happened without warning or planning
she was not part of our group
and yet
in a crowded outdoor bar with a few hundred people
we found ourselves kissing on the way to the bathroom
“don’t kiss me” she said 15 minutes before, 10 minutes after we met
as our friends swirled around us
it was as if…
“if you are in a room full of 100 or more people and there is one person
who connects with you, across the room, even before you speak…”
“yes,” they all said. “it’s a past life connection, you’ve been together before…”
and there she was
white jeans
curls of brown enhancing her dashing smile
and
i could not pull back
my instrumentation was malfunctioning
even as the warning lights were flashing
i soared higher with her
i strived to be more charming
to be kissed
and she invited me in
she asked me to go with her
“only once before,” i said, “have i been invited into a bathroom stall with a woman…”
she laughed
beckoned me in
i walked back to the bar
and waited
she came out and while washing her hands
gave me the signal again
come, and be kissed
come, and be my favorite person in the world
at this very instant
come and escape this moment with me
don’t worry or think about the danger
take your defenses down
but she could not hear the sound of my voice
i whispered ideas
she pushed back with random ideas
i asked or a pause
she leaned in closer
there was very little i could do… wait… that’s not true
i wanted to swoon
i heated up and wanted to boil over
i wanted what she was promising with her smile
i hungered for the passion unabashed that asked me to join her
in flight
and let go of everything else i knew before her
alone now, moments later, i’m spent
as if she’d pulled some vital essence from me
by kissing and sitting close to me
and promising to light up my phone with texts
i’m waiting
the screen is dark
i’m tired
i’m electrified
she opened a gateway
of unlimited danger and power
like a drug
i am drawn to her flame
and as sleep begins to arrive
i cannot say i am unhappy
i can only say
i await
yet another move
of her mysterious and intoxicating ways
i am altered
9-12-21
At the time of my divorce my ex wanted primary custody. I wanted joint custody. She wanted the majority of the children’s time. I wanted 50/50. In my understanding of parenting and what my kids needed, I was certain that our roles were equally important. For some reason, probably financial, she did not agree. And in our fair state of Texas, she was awarded the custody just as she knew she would be.
|
It’s interesting today, that my now-ex is much more interested in arranging a 50/50 schedule. She complains how exhausted she is from running the kids to all their activities as a single parent.
|
So, for the last seven years from the time my daughter was six and my son was eight, she’s had the responsibility and pleasure of parenting my kids two hours for every one hour I get. Back in the early months and years of the divorce, this was devastating. I never got enough time with my kids. I longed for them twice as often and twice as long as she did. And in those tender years, our kids really needed both of us. My son needed his dad more than he was getting him. My daughter craved my hugs and happy lifestyle. But that’s the way the divorce went down.
It’s interesting today, that my now-ex is much more interested in arranging a 50/50 schedule. She complains how exhausted she is from running the kids to all their activities as a single parent. Well, she is engaged, but it’s a separate house, separate living quarters kid of engagement. And I imagine she is not lying when she says it’s hard.
And there is a part of me that still misses my kids during the 2-for-1 hours they are with her. But today, as teenagers, the quality and type of relationship with your kids is very different. Back then I wanted to teach my son to ride a bike, I wanted to take my daughter fishing more, I wanted to expand their horizons and let them see and be with their happy father. I didn’t get as much of an opportunity to do that. But back then it was a different type of parenting.
Today, as teenagers, my kids are even more interesting and self-driven, but they are also a lot more work. Most of the parenting activity in the teen years is driving them from place to place, waiting for them and their friends to get ready, and feeding and clothing them. It’s not as rewarding. It’s still engaging and important, but the “kid years” are really the golden age of parenting and attachment parenting specifically.
|
What I am able to give my kids now, in the reduced-dad role I was given, is a happy, energetic and always positive parent.
|
My life is also very different. A bit over a year ago I started dating a woman who quickly captured my heart and imagination for the future. Today we are happily engaged and living together in a modest house that has two rooms in the back for my kids. And I relish every hour I have with them. But I don’t necessarily want more carpool and cafeteria shifts. That’s the hard work, low return, parenting duty that makes up the majority of parenting teenagers.
What I am able to give my kids now, in the reduced-dad role I was given, is a happy, energetic and always positive parent. I am more than happy to carpool them. I thrive and excel at making them breakfast before school and getting them to their appointments on-time. It’s not a chore, it’s a pleasure. I’m guessing, my overwhelmed ex is asking for 50/50 parenting now because the mundane teen years are harder and less interactive than before.
I lost the golden years of parenting. My son is a bit less masculine at times and he still doesn’t know how to ride a bike. He doesn’t want to learn, either. That’s okay. We have the relationship we have as a result of those years of absence. All those years where their mom tried to fill in the dad blanks. But I was not there. And I was given that share of the parenting duties by her selfishness and greed.
I’d love more time with my kids. But… I am okay with the time I have with my teenagers. In the time I do have with them I know I am the best dad they could ever have. And they are not begging to go 50/50 or anything. Why would they want things any different? It’s my ex that wants the change and today, unfortunately for her, she’s got the Standard Possession Order (SPO) she argued for and won. She’s got the kids about 2 hours for every 1 of mine.
Today, in the long tail days of parenting, it makes me smile. I’m still missing my kids just as much as I was as a newly divorced dad, but I’m missing a different role. I can’t get back that early dad role. They are grown and growing now and have different needs. There are different ways I can be an influence on their lives. And one of my greatest gifts is showing them how to live a happy and fulfilling life.
Now, I need to go wake one of my teenagers up so we can have breakfast together and talk about the world.
Respectfully,
John McElhenney – life coach austin texas
Facebook | Instagram | Pinterest | @theoffparent
As a certified life coach, I’ve been helping men and women find fulfilling relationships. If you’d like to chat for 30-minutes about your dating/relationship challenges, I always give the first 30-session away for free. LEARN ABOUT COACHING WITH JOHN. There are no obligations to continue. But I get excited every time I talk to someone new. I can offer new perspectives and experiences from my post-divorce dating journey. Most of all, I can offer hope.
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