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Here and Now: Touching Objects of Desire & Dating Younger Women

She’s talking and I can’t stop looking at her neck.

One of the women with potential is on the phone with me now (you can guess which one) and she’s talking talking talking about how much help she needs and how she doesn’t have time to get her stuff done. And she’s talking and talking. And I’m not that interested in what she’s talking about. All this talking, no necking.

The OKC woman and I had lunch yesterday and I was watching her neck. I had a longing as if I were a vampire watching the pulsing of her life. I could imagine the same pulsing when we were making love, this is the throat of orgiastic pleasure. She’s the one who sent me this text the day after we met for dinner.

I want to stop talking at some point. I want to be with someone and not have to talk about it. All the fking time.

There’s some talking that needs to happen, some goals and rules that need to be established. But if there’s no desire to kiss, it might be that there is very little kissing desire inside the person.

Case in point. I was with the OTHER woman of potential on Friday, during a window when both kids were away at friends’ houses, and we just hung out. But she was warm and touchable. She was close. She had cuddly all over her. Still no need to push in for kissing with her, but there was an implied closeness already. There was already touching.

If there’s no touching, it’s because TOUCH MIGHT NOT BE THEIR LOVE LANGUAGE, DUMMY.

Oh.

And the fact that a woman with potential number one really needs me to help her with a lot of techie stuff… Well, it’s starting to make me a bit tired. IF it weren’t someone I already knew, and if she hadn’t been making the connection effort (she is) then she’d be a goner.

As it is, I’m already cooling a bit on her prospects. She REALLY reminds me of my ex. Things need to be just right, or fit some perfect form, or comply with her schedule and will… Nope. Not gonna do that again.

So I’m not cutting her off. But I’m beginning to expand my viewpoint again. And what if this new OKC woman was a kisser and then nothing? Well, that’s okay. I’m chilling a little on the only 100% or it’s a waste of time.

The OKC woman is not an artist. She’s very much into her gym and running. And she’s cute as the devil and really easy to be with. So what if she’s just a cute and easy, nice girl? Do they HAVE to be writers? Do they HAVE to share cerebral gymnastics or linguistic karate?

I’m fascinated with the shape and vibrancy of her neck while she’s talking. We’re exchanging stories about exes and parents. And when we get the check she asks if she can pay. She’s made it quite clear that she makes good money and is happily supporting herself and her two dogs. And all I can think about is how it would feel to make her neck strain with excitement. I’m hungry, but we’ve just eaten. It’s a good feeling.

And she’s cute as a button. Cute. Fresh. Easy. And she’s asking me to kiss her. Um. Except in broad daylight. “It’s gonna have to be a night date,” she said, half-seriously. She had also let me know after the text above that we would NOT be kissing in a restaurant or any other type of PDA. She simply wasn’t into it. Okay, that’s fine. But she asked me, “But dude, wth? Thought you were gonna kiss me but you didn’t.”

She’s moving things forward nicely.

Note: We went out one more time. There was a little discussion about kissing and our potential fit. But things did not click for her without the addition of alcohol. She was still young, successful, and pretty. Not for me, however.

Sincerely,

The Off Parent

[Updating this post, August 2019: I was not interested in her for a relationship but more for the potential of casual sex. And even after a drink or two, I was in control enough to know that “this one is not for me.” I’m looking for a woman who is an intellectual equal. Often, this means closer to my age, but not always.]

< back to On Dating Again index

related posts:

resources:

The Divorce Library (reading list)
Songs of Divorce (free listening library – youtube sourced songs)
Laugh It Off (building a resource library of funny videos and other diversions)
Facebook (follow us on Facebook and keep up with all the conversations)
The 5 Love Languages (a book on love styles by Gary Chapman)

May 13, 2013 | Categories: creativity, dating, desire, kissing, love, love letters, online dating, self-care, sex | Tags: All this talking, are you looking for a relationship, are you looking for sex, as if I were a vampire, asking me to kiss her, casual sex, cerebral gymnastics, cute as a button, dating a single dad, dating a younger woman, easy, had a longing, how much help she needs, I can't stop looking at her neck, kissing her neck, linguistic karate, no necking, online dating for sex, she's moving things forward, watching her neck, women with potential | 3 Comments »

anticipating the rain with you

[from Making Love To Other Women – poetry]

i am anticipating the ocean with you
the rain and the clouds
the sounds and the smells
of you

i am anticipating the touch of your hand
the taste of your lips
and how i feel when i think of being
with you

i am anticipating your next move
falling into step
and falling asleep
beside you

i am anticipating how you sound
when you laugh or moan
in an instant i can almost
imagine you

i am anticipating someone who can light the sky
silence the night
walk down beaches in the dark
holding you

i am anticipating the disruption of everything i imagine
of plans and hopes and dreams
now even more real than my hopes
about you

i am anticipating

5-12-13

May 12, 2013 | Categories: love, p1, poetry | Tags: i am anticipating, longing, love poem, poem, poetry | Leave A Comment »

Finding Adoration

Bringing sex into the picture can really complicate things. And when it’s an animal drive rather than a move of adoration, it’s something else. I’m not looking for animal sex with someone I don’t crave. I want to make love, the next time, to someone I simply adore. That’s the highest form of connection and adoration I can give. And I want to feel the loop going both ways. Like a circuit; there is a connection that lights up both people.

I was listening to a Doyle Bramhall II song in the car today when the lyric hit me.

You and me, we’ll wait to see the day come down.
Don’t go, sit here girl, let’s have a drink and watch the day come down.

Something about the longing in his voice and knowing that this record was a victory lap on his marriage to Lisa Melvoin, (of Wendy and Lisa fame) just struck me as appropriate. I want to watch the day go down with a woman, just be. Time together being relaxed and not pressured to do anything.

And then I imagine the sex becomes part of the passion and adoration that grows between us.

It seems to me, I’ve been trying to hard to FIND a girl friend. And what I learned yesterday, having a couple of hours hanging with the MIA woman with potential, was: it really is about the quality of the time together. The “feeling” you get. The unstoppable glow that wants to be fulfilled through the ultimate act of intimacy.

Sex is a spiritual act. And engaging in it should be a form of beauty and expression. When it becomes mechanical, or there’s a hint of boredom or duty, it’s done. I aspire to actually make love next time I’m with a woman. And until then “friends” are just fine. Now, kissing… That’s a bit less intimate and should be an indicator of the sensuousness in the relationship. But the intention should be there as well. So woman with potential might be over thinking, or she might just be really spiritual and going slow.

100% or just don’t waste your time.

Sincerely,

The Off Parent

< back to On Dating Again index

Resources:

The Divorce Library (reading list)
Songs of Divorce (free listening library – youtube sourced songs)
Laugh It Off (building a resource library of funny videos and other diversions)
Facebook (follow us on Facebook and keep up with all the conversations)
The 5 Love Languages (a book on love styles by Gary Chapman)

+++ a Doyle Bramhall II song, live from my home town. The woman on the left, singing is Lisa, Doyle’s wife at the time, now divorced. Wendy is playing bass.

May 11, 2013 | Categories: dating, kissing, online dating, self-care, sex, spirituality | Tags: animal drive, animal sex, animal sex drive, Bringing sex into the picture, feel the loop going both ways, finding a friend, finding a girlfriend, finding friends with potential, friends first, girls with potential, highest form of connection, just friends, Like a circuit, making love, move of adoration, sex complicates communications, sex is spiritual, sex too soon, too focused on girlfriend, woman with potential, women with potential | Leave A Comment »

Love and War; It’s all Here – Seeking Love and Peace

A contrast and comparison of the two most powerful letters I’ve written this year.

1. Love letter to the silent “woman with potential.” (partial) Responding to an email she sent me about why she hasn’t been able to see me over the last two weeks.

+++

Sweet [woman’s name], (i like the sound of that)

I completely understand.

If the moment is casual and easy and without expectations, maybe it would be easier to just include me in an activity you’re already going to do. No prep or primp, just “hey J I’m going for a walk at 2, wanna go?” (Imagining some of the resistance is merely the additional effort required to include someone else, someone who’s “checkin you out.” But that’s an easy one to interrupt, right? Just time together, that’s my goal. Intentionality is useful in many situations, but here, I’m easy and free of expectations.

And me:

1. I can be more invitive (invite-y), but I feel this adds pressure rather than enticement. And thus patience and peace of mind is my repose.

2. Thrilled with the idea of [woman’s name].

3. Happy.

4. Intentional when it makes sense.

At the moment it appears it doesn’t fit. That’s okay. I can imagine you are frazzled and adding ONE MORE FKIN THING, even if that thing is magically delicious, is too much.

Here I AM. As long as it’s okay for me to ping you every now and then to check-in, I can mind my own mind. And when there is an opening on your end for more… Well…

Final thought: I loved, love, will love, getting your messages in the future and I will respond in kind.

+++

2. Declaration of Independence from the Ex-y’s continuing drama about money.

+++

Money.

What I can tell you.

1. You are going to get every penny you are owed. Any language from you about “collecting” or “enforcement” now makes me laugh rather than get mad. It’s absurd. Maybe it’s your dad speaking, but there is no DEFAULT on my child support.

2. If there is a perception, from the kids that money is flowing, it’s a misperception, maybe due to my joy in life at the moment.

3. After my mortgage and base necessities, you and the kids are my first priority.

4. Work is good. And it does look like I will get several new pieces of business that should speed up my catchup.

5. A month that I am able to afford a house keeper is a good month. But that $100 has no bearing on your payments.

6. I am not spending ANY money on myself, after food, shelter and internet.

What I cannot tell you.

1. Timing or schedule of my payments through the summer. I simply don’t have the information myself.

2. Exact amounts you can expect through the summer.

If you have doubts about me ever getting caught up those are based on fear and not reality. I will do my best to inform you of when money is coming in, and what portion of every income event you can count on. But until the check is in my hand from my other clients, I will not guess at dates and schedules.

There will come a day when the money and schedule are easy and predictable. I am working towards that with 100% of my efforts.

That’s the best I can do.

+++

Maybe I could do more, better, try harder, but I don’t think so.

The real story is that my life is good. In spite of being in arrears with Wells Fargo and the ex-y. I am working plenty. I am landing new business. I am keeping my head out of the gutter of depression around the pressure of money and lack of money.

Here’s the rub.

When we were married I worked as a freelance consultant for years. I was successful and then 9-11 took the prosperity right out of my self-employment. What ultimately forced me to seek FTE (full-time employee) status was 1. the need for my family to have robust healthcare coverage; 2. the ex-y’s unwillingness to get a full-time full-pay job herself. Of course in the early part of our kids lives, that was by design, but towards the end of our marriage, it almost felt like defiance. Case in point, the last full year of our marriage she actually had a negative income after taxes and expenses were taken out. How’s that for escalating the stress levels. Of course, the party line, was it was me with the “employment” problem.

Now, however, in divorce, the ex-y must have full-time employment. And with that comes the opportunity to put the kid’s healthcare on her policy. Still bill it to me, but the access to healthcare, that “these days” still requires a FTE status to acquire. As a result, the opportunity to become a self-employed consultant is possible for me again. She really doesn’t have any say about that.

I would’ve liked to have provided enough financially for her not to work at all while the kids were in elementary school. We did the best we could and she averaged 15 – 30 hours a week for a good portion of that time. But as the kids got older, the expectation was that she would start contributing to the overall household growth again.

And the most amazing thing. When she decided she wanted to divorce me, she created a job with a firm that was owned by some personal friends. When she was required to work, she was very good at it. And when her desire required her to go to FTE status, it was a quick and decisive event.

Today, when I’m working my flexible schedule, I wonder how it would be easier if we (my child support) were not paying on two houses. How we might have both enjoyed a more flexible lifestyle had we stayed together.

That was not the choice we made. And today she is the FTE. And while I am paying the healthcare costs, and the equivalent of two mortgages, (and I will get caught up) she is still in some sort of crisis about money. Seems like this was a pattern in our marriage too. She was in crisis about something most of the time.

I am not.

And yet the contrast could not be more obvious.

She: has 30K or more in her retirement accounts, little or no credit card debt, and equity in the marital home in the neighborhood of 50k – 70k.

Me: spent all of my retirement savings to live and gain access to home ownership again, have no credit cards and bad credit, am behind of my mortgage.

Yet still. I am very happy and optimistic that I am pulling out of this. And I am trying to reassure her, just as I did when we were married, that there will be enough. “We’re gonna be fine.”

And she is stressed to the max, thrashing against me for money, and convinced I am the answer and cause of her distress.

I can maintain my neutrality. I can try and respond with kindness rather than anger. I will continue to focus on the happiness and wellbeing of my kids. The happiness and well-being of my ex-y was not something I could manage then, and I certainly cannot manage it now. The good news is, now I don’t have to.

UPDATE: How do you think my message went over? To deaf ears. More saber rattling, more demands for a plan or a schedule. Okay, so I’m putting the ex-y in the bill pile with Wells Fargo. And I’m taking the emotion out of my response.

“Talk to the hand. You’ll get it as soon as I get it. I’ll let you know in real time as I know more.”

Sincerely,

The Off Parent

< back to The Hard Stuff pages

related posts:

resources:

The Divorce Library (reading list)
Songs of Divorce (free listening library – youtube sourced songs)
Laugh It Off (building a resource library of funny videos and other diversions)
Facebook (follow us on Facebook and keep up with all the conversations)
The 5 Love Languages (a book on love styles by Gary Chapman)

May 10, 2013 | Categories: anger, depression, divorce, hardstuff, marriage, money, self-care, single parenting | Tags: child support, collecting child support, crisis about something, Declaration of Independence, drama about money, easy and predictable, enforcement, ex-wife and money, full-time employee, happiness and well being of my ex-y, happiness and wellbeing of my kids, kid's healthcare, letter to my ex, letter to my ex-wife, love letter, maintain my neutrality, money and schedule, now I don't have to, respond with kindness rather than anger, she decided, she is stressed to the max, she wanted to divorce me, thrashing against me for money, woman with potential, your dad speaking | Leave A Comment »

The Relationship Strategy: Moving Beyond Divorce

I’m kinda tired of writing about the ex-y. I’d like to walk away from this blog tomorrow and start the new chapter, the new symphony.

The other day, as I was waiting for one of the “women with potential” to show up, I wrote this Relationship Strategy list. Just like I would for an online marketing project I was taking on. Here I was, getting ready to hang out with this woman, and I’m designing the strategy for getting beyond dating and into relationship. I knew this wasn’t really just about her, it was a framework, that I was hoping would be trashed by passionate overtures. Um, I’m still waiting.

Let’s put these in text where you can read them.

1. Establish mutual connection
2. Spend time together
 - learn + listen
 - experience life
 - be yourselves
 - how does it feel?
3. Learn each other's relating style
4. Define love language
5. All good? Add kissing if you want to
6. Kissing may lead to lovemaking

That’s it. Pretty simple. The part that’s not simple is negotiating and navigating the process with someone who is terrified of moving down the list. Or maybe inexperienced at deep relating.

And a question I am asking myself in regards to the woman who is at least present is, “Can the crazy unbridled passion still be unlocked when kissing, etc. comes into play?” Because if it’s all cerebral and calm and calculated, I’m concerned she might not ever light up.

But I am committed to seeing this woman off the planet of over thinking and into something. I’m not sure it will be kissing me, but hey… I’m still interested. (stay tuned)

The second “woman with potential” has gone missing. We’ve exchanged messages and a few potential schedules, and she’s chilled them each time. I’m not surprised, as she seemed to have a much more complete life. I am about to ask her about “holding on loosely, vs. pursuit.” I have the feeling she prefers to be in complete control. And again, if I fit in, great. If not, she didn’t really NEED a relationship in the first place.

Are adults often stuck in this model of relating? I love the idea of independence I’m just understanding the value and risk at giving up my solitude and semi-unlimited creative time. But it’s not where I want to end up. I aspire to be in a connected relationship. And part of that connectedness is having a partner who wants to be deeply connected as well.

Sincerely,

The Off Parent

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resources: