A Moment of Zen With the Ex-Wife
The disconnects with my ex-wife are humorous sometimes. More so now that we are not married. While we were married it could lead to months of shunning from her. I didn’t really understand this during my marriage. I’ve since learned that she was traumatized by the indifferent love of her two narcissistic parents. And I didn’t understand that until after the divorce, when I reread The Drama of the Gifted Child, by Alice Miller.
Points of contact/conflict with her can provide funny insights into the workings of her mind, and maybe how her contempt for me continues with such energy. (“If we can laugh about it later, we can laugh about it now,” I would say, trying to defuse a dramatic moment.)
First up is the continuous process of checking in on the nights the kids are with the other parent. For my son, who has a phone and is almost always on Skype when he’s awake and not at school, it’s easy. My daughter, 10, is a bit more hard to reach. So often I’m left to txt her mom, asking for her to call me. And here’s the common response. (At least once a week she fails to deliver the message in time for me to get a phone call from my daughter before bed.)
I can assure you that when she is not with her BF she is watching the texts. I’ve seen her at all kinds of events glued, laughing, and texting someone. So the idea that text on her phone didn’t light up… Very unlikely. But of course, this example is only 30 minutes. The response time varies greatly. Often I will ask for a call by say 7 pm and won’t ever get a pingback or a call from my daughter. She always responds the next day with “I’m sorry.” But it’s a pretty shitty passive-aggressive move to prevent your kids from talking to the other parent. Get your business out of our business, won’t you? And “I’m sorry” when repeated over and over, sounds a lot like “fuck you.”
A really funny moment happened yesterday. Here’s the email I got in the morning.
I checked my spots and sure enough one of my two pairs of glasses was missing. We confirmed the color and yes, I had somehow dropped them at her house. She followed up with a question about how they might have ended up at the foot of her bed.
Whew! That could’ve been an odd moment. And here’s what happened next.
She said it was awkward because she had to ask her BF if they were his. Huh?
So you didn’t recognize one of the pair of glasses I had while we were married?
Wow. Yes, that would be an awkward question to ask your BF, but even more odd that you’d have to ask your husband of 10 years. I think.
And in typical fashion, she pulled a fk-you in the transaction. She said she was leaving them on the kitchen counter for me to pick up. When the kids and I dropped by, a few hours later they were nowhere to be found. I texted her.
So maybe she’s just forgetful. Maybe she’s busy. Maybe she’s discombobulated. But she’s also being a jerk. Is it passive aggressiveness or just plain assholiness? I can’t decide.
I’m not looking to keep a tight leash on her or my kids. But I don’t block them from getting in touch with her, in fact, I facilitate their ongoing communication with their mom. Oh well, we are different animals with different styles.
I kinda like the response, “Damn yes sorry.” I might have to try that out. What I can tell you, is I am not waiting for her to change and be a different person. I did that for way too long. I’m a learning individual. I won’t be trying to change someone, or waiting for them to get a clue. Next time, this very next time, I’m gonna nip that impulse in me before it starts.
Sincerely,
The Off Parent
@theoffparent
related posts:
In Love With the Idea of Loving You, Or Perhaps Her, Or Maybe Her…
Let’s not get sexist or objectifying here… Oh wait, I think the titty bar blew that concept a while back.
Let’s go ahead and look at the possibilities in the possibilities that are exciting by the mere existence of their potential.
My view this morning, having coffee and getting some online work done. The potential in the view from where I sit: see illustration.
There are a lot of beautiful things in this shot. The green wall of plants, the activity and buzz of having coffee/breakfast in a public place, WITH GOOD WIFI! And all that is well and good, but now I’m going to point the finger right back at myself and my NEED.
Here are a few of the points of light that I see, that you may be unaware or uninterested in.
WFM and stalking the beautiful woman
Taking a closer look, I can understand how this exposé will label me as a womanizer, an asshole, a predator. BUT… Let me reflect for one second on something D.H. Lawrence wrote about the beauty of a young girl in a bathing suit. It was not that he was sexually attracted to her, it was that he was reverent of the beauty that God had created in this perfect, happy creature. With that, here’s my non-erogenous zone map from the picture above.
And that’s it. I didn’t approach her. I didn’t need anything from her or from the situation. But I was smiling inside at the potential of the morning. In the world there is this beauty. And it exists without me having to do anything but notice. And she smiled at me as she left the table. And the moment is done.
Sincerely,
The Off Parent
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- The Divorce Library (reading list)
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- The 5 Love Languages (a book on love styles by Gary Chapman)
