Yadda yadda, people lie about their age. In fact, the woman I’m dating at the moment, said she was 49 in her online profile. And when we met, I couldn’t have told you any different. But she was 57. She admitted it fairly early on in our first date.
I get it. The women who proposition me on Match.com look much more like my mom than I’d care to admit. (Please, at least try to update your look, won’t you?)
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If we could forget that number is an age, we might find compatibility in a wider range of people.
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And when I first entered the online dating pool I posted my age as 45, rather than 50. It just felt a lot more like my tribe. But I learned pretty quickly that I was mistaken. When you start courting younger women and begin to look for connections beyond youth, beauty, and “having fun,” there might not be a lot of common ground. Your musical tastes will be different. You grew up with different TV shows, movies, bands, global events. It can be done, but I’ve found a lot of comfort in being with women of my own age, or god-forbid, a bit older.
So when this woman was clearly within my range of beauty and fitness and admitted to lying about her age, I was nonplussed. “Yeah, I did that before. (pause) But I am 51.”
Here are few of the assumptions I have about age.
- People our age (50’s) are often more like my parents than my peers.
- If you haven’t taken care of yourself (mentally and physically) by the time you are 50, you will be looking 60.
- Gray hair might be nice, on octogenarians.
- Fitness can be a factor at any age, but in your 5o’s you’re either fit or you’re not. (And I’m not talking about weight, exactly.)
- Age is one of the first qualifiers or disqualifies when looking online for a date
I used to like looking at the younger 4o-somethings and imagining… But the actually engagement rate was very low. And when I did hook one in for a date, I was underwhelmed by their banter. It was a missed connection from the start. Even when the cutest girl I had laid eyes on in more than two years was sitting in my car after a first date that involved margaritas, I was tempted but not really interested in kissing her or pursuing the next date.
She was a bit miffed later and she texted me, “You looked like you were going to kiss me, but you didn’t. WTH?”
I was still unclear on what I would get out of a “relationship” with this young runner. She was fit, pretty, smiled and laughed a lot, and we had nothing in common.
So there is some wisdom to the adage, stick with people your own age. At least within your high school class. (That would be a 4-year range on either side of your actual age.)
Now physical age is different from attitude or youthfulness. I am 51, and I’ll admit to taking the George Clooney out of my hair every 6 – 8 weeks, but I’m always getting, “No way,” when I tell the younger women, my real age. (This is not from online dating, I’ve been reporting my real birthday since my second week there–four years ago.) So age is a number, how?
- What you do in the evenings
- What you do for fun
- What you do to stay fit
- Your curiosity and joy at learning new things
- How you entertain yourself when you are alone
- What you bring to the conversation
- How much energy you have
- How much joy you have
It is NOT:
- How much partying you can do
- How much you like to drink
- How good you are in bed
- How flat your stomach is
- The color of your hair (though I have succumbed to this trap, more for work purposes than dating, but it helps.)
If we could forget that number is an age, we might find compatibility in a wider range of people. But it’s a deal breaker for me. I’m sure the genius 42 year-old is out there. She’s a famous rockstar named Imogen Heap. But there’s a really slim chance we’re ever going to meet. Outside of that, I’ll take beauty, age, and wisdom over fitness, youth, and spontaneity, every time.
Sincerely,
The Off Parent
@theoffparent
back to On Dating Again
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image: four prize winners bathing suit competition 1922, creative commons usage
[from a second wave – poetry]
