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Gratitude and Platitudes After Divorce

Finally taking the boot - divorce talesBecause we are doing “what’s best for the kids” in all circumstances I can’t simply email my ex-y a Fk You message. We’re keeping everything civil. And come Tuesday I will be released. And I’m kinda happy about it.

I mean aside from losing a best friend. Losing my house of 11 years. Losing my 24/7 connection with my kids. Losing a sexual partner (but of course that happened over a year ago, more or less).

So will I blast her? Nope. Maybe if she ever sees this blog, or I publish it like a book. Perhaps then she’ll get the full message. As it is, I’m kissing her ass all the way to the notarized divorce settlement because I want to be done with it. I want to tell my next date, “Yes, we’re divorced.” And then I want to jump into bed with her.

And I’m not expecting a lot of gratitude from my ex-y either. Seems like she’s feeling put upon by my rush to get divorced. (Uh, hello… 60 days is the law, I’m just asking to get it done with.) But I think her lawyer is settling her down a bit. Giving her an idea of what a good deal she is getting.

I’m not fighting about the value of the house. I’m not asking her to pay me all the cash that she owes me, though my lawyer said this would be a better option. I’m not asking for any considerations. I’m just trying to make it easy. Easy on all of us, really.

So as I walk away next week I’m grateful that we were able to do this without a drawn out battle. And someday, I think, she’ll realize how loved she was and regret the selfish and self-centered boot she gave me. For me, and just for today, I am grateful that we are nearly done.

I also don’t get to tell her that my lawyer charged me a total of $500 for the entire thing. I’m pretty sure she’s paid several thousand in her need to have her lawyer CCd on every email I sent. That’s her deal. But it does give me a grin.

Sincerely,

The Off Parent

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September 29, 2010 | Categories: divorce, kids, separation, sex | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave A Comment »

A Once and Future King

a king's crown, losing the divorceThe loss of my kingdom. I don’t think it’s a particularly man thing, imagining your house and neighborhood as a kingdom. I think we all feel a sense of protection and pride around our homesteads. We invest a lot of time and energy in providing a comfortable existence for ourselves and our families.

It is not a happy thing to be exiled from your kingdom. Everything that goes with it. Kids, pets, comfortable bed, study areas, entertainment, warmth, yards, play. Everything comes to an end.

What once was a WE provide is now a ME provide. And I have not been so lucky in terms of the next chapter in my working life. I’ve made money. I’ve worked. But I am essentially homeless at the moment. Being shut out of my house meant that I could either afford a completely new residence in our neighborhood, OR… leave.

The blessing is that I have a sister in the city who has a mother-in-law plan that was available. And I even had built in kids, with her twin boy and girl who are 12 years old. And for that I am glad.

But I have no privacy. The TV is a constant irritation, as the largest one sits directly on the other side of my bedroom door. And of course, 90% of my stuff is still in my ex-wife’s house. I don’t have a place to put it. And I get to be thankful that she’s not insisting that I get a storage unit.

I know that I will return to a kingdom of my own. And I will make a way again in the world of empowered work, but for now it is difficult. As the Fall is now moving in and the weather is changing I long for a place to relax and be alone. And an opportunity to begin the rebuilding process.

Sincerely,

The Off Parent

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September 29, 2010 | Categories: divorce, love, separation | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave A Comment »

Dialing In My Ideals In a Woman: From Hippie to High Class

my type of hippie chick - eddi brickellI was having coffee with a friend of mine at an upscale place last week and we both acknowledged several of the beautiful women who passed through while we were meeting.

“I really like Whole Foods Market for people watching,” I said.

“They’re too hippie for me,” he said.

Wow, it was a major difference that got me thinking. What was the criteria I was hoping for when hoping for my next female companion?

She probably shops at Whole Foods more than Costco.

She’s comfortable in flipflops and high heels and appreciates the difference.

She drives a foreign car built within the last 6 years.

She has kids.

She’s divorced.

She is naturally attractive, with or without makeup. Conscious of the aging process and happy to acknowledge the changes, not afraid of them.

And so today, as I was walking around Whole Foods I noticed a lot of women that caught my eye. (My sister was very much a hippie.) Much more so than the women moving through the fancy coffee bar. But one other recent statistic I heard about came to mind about income level. The gist was something about your income level is directly related to the closest 5 people around you. Meaning, you hang with people that make about the same amount of money.

With that, there is no telling what these whimsical organically-minded women are making, or the model of car they are driving. But, for me, they are starting with a core concept for me. They are more concerned with fair trade than the lowest possible price. They have some intentions around eating healthy and go to the trouble to make that happen. They tend towards essential oil fragrances over new scent from the latest designer at Nordstroms.

Sincerely,

The Off Parent

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September 29, 2010 | Categories: dating, divorce, love, online dating, sex | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , | 2 Comments »

The Women of Mad Men: Pick Your Type

type of women - the ladies of mad menCan you define your desire in terms of a type? Is Joan your speed? Or Betty Draper? Perhaps the feisty and direct Peggy Olsen. (She looks a bit hotter here than in Mad Men don’t you think?)

Sometimes men try to identify themselves as breastmen, legmen, assmen.

I prefer to be an all-over-man. And now having come off a 12-year one woman man thing, I’m ready for a bit of anything. Legs, breasts, hot baths, ritas and queso. Mostly I’m into women. Having not had the scent of another woman for a long time, I’m a bit over-ripe. And that’s what’s juked my two near misses from online dating. So I’m looking into my own “projections.” I need to get further from my current divorce and into self-awareness.

what type of woman do you like - joan from mad menBut when she arrives, she’s in for a treat.

Sincerely,

The Off Parent

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September 29, 2010 | Categories: dating, online dating, sex | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave A Comment »

The End of a Relationship Is Like A Rubberband Breaking

the breaking of the wedding ringI was having breakfast with a friend and we were talking about how men are often the ones left in the dark about their wive’s plans for divorce.

“It’s not like we weren’t having problems,” I said. “We were. And I was very unhappy… But, I was also big enough to contain the problems AND the love.”

“Yeah,” he said. “I’ve seen it a lot. It’s like the rubberband is stretching as things get harder. And then one person lets go and it snaps, it breaks. And there is no fixing it.”

The phrase “stretching” came to mind. Like a stretch goal. Or stretching to find new connections. When the band is broken, even if one of the partners wants to keep it together, there is no repair possible.

Sincerely,

The Off Parent
permalink: https://theoffparent.com/rubberband/

 

August 29, 2010 | Categories: anger, divorce | Tags: , , , , , | Leave A Comment »

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