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Oh, “that” Conversation Comes Up – Post-Divorce Holidays

It happened last night. The “big” conversation. It wasn’t that I was trying to avoid it, but I didn’t really prepare for it. What can you do? Be open and honest.

She, the “girlfriend,” was asking about the balance in our relationship. She was/is/has been expressing her desire and affection for me. She was curious if I was enjoying our relationship for something more than affection, comfort, sex, and closeness.

Huh?

Okay, I knew what she was asking. In a subtle way, she’s been asking all along, “Do you love me?” Not directly, that’s not what she was asking, but she wasn’t hearing the words she was seeking when she professed her affection for me.

I tried to explain:

“I’m unpacking a lot of old baggage. You are helping me un-armor and open up. And we connect on so many levels. I am certain that I don’t know the answer to what you are asking, but I am giving you all of my available time, I’m not looking for another relationship, I am here.”

She retreated to the familiar, “It’s okay. I mean, I know you like me a lot.”

And I didn’t say this, “That is enough. That is all I have.”

We’ve been “dating” for 95 days. And it is Christmas. Her first Christmas post-divorce. This is my third. And I’m damn happy. Well, I’m not 100% happy. I’m still missing my kids deeply. But I’m confident that they are in an okay place with their mom, and they will be excited to see and be with me starting tomorrow at 2pm. (Christmas Day.)

And she may be right when she says that she’s my “healing relationship.” And I’m okay with that. But what I do know, is that I have very few “adult” experiences of being with another person.

We are equals. She doesn’t need me. We have good solid lives. We enjoy time together. And we make plans to spend as much time together as possible.

What more is there, at this point in our trajectory? Anything else would be jumping the gun, in my opinion. And I’m certainly not stepping in to fill her Christmas sadness. I can’t. I don’t want to. And I won’t. She’s got to work that out on her own. I will be there. I will hold her. And I will be with her and her kids tonight, Christmas eve. (Because I can’t be with mine!)

And we will be boyfriend and girlfriend.

And that’s enough, for now.

Sincerely,

The Off Parent

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Resources:

The Divorce Library (reading list)
Songs of Divorce (free listening library – youtube sourced songs)
Laugh It Off (building a resource library of funny videos and other diversions)
Facebook (follow us on Facebook and keep up with all the conversations)
The 5 Love Languages (a book on love styles by Gary Chapman)

December 24, 2012 | Categories: dad, dating, divorce, holidays, kids, love | Tags: christmas after divorce, divorced by christmas, do you love me?, holidays after divorce, love, love vs dating, post-divorce, recovering from divorce, relationship vs dating, the "l" word | Leave A Comment »

Kiss Kiss Bang Bang: Waking Up My Passionate Lover

Okay, I have to use the word “girlfriend” at this point. It’s been well over 90 days, and she’s still around and still at the center of my off parent time. And… Well… It’s kind of hard to say, “I have no idea what I’m doing.”

What I know is… She is my first relationship post divorce. Those other things were blips.

When she woke up my desire I screwed her like I really remembered screwing. Passion. Energy. And stamina.

She matches me in so many ways (love of music, sleeping patterns, creative ambition, ability to nap and rest rather than strive) that I think I’m trying to figure out what’s wrong.

Here’s what happened. She came right out and said it on our introductory drink. “You are much cuter than your profile!”

I’m sure I paused at that. [Was this woman just forward? Was she a desperate? What was wrong with her, couldn’t she see how fucked up I was at that very moment?]

And I walked her out to her car. An awkward moment, to be sure. And there, next to her cute convertible mini, she leaned in for what could only be a signal for “kiss me.” And I stepped up to the plate and planted a good kiss on her. Grabbed the back of her neck and pulled her even closer. Even as I was freaking out, “What the fuck? Am I insane? Oh to hell with it!”

And I walked back to my car, in a bit of a daze. Erect and ready, sure, but also confused.

And then on came the relationship. She was “into me” she said it frequently and without shame. I know she was asking for the same response from me. But I was too busy trying to examine my own WTF response to her mere presence in my life.

So on she came. Like a force, like a drug. And on she came, asking deep questions, stroking me with every opportunity, and singing my praises.

I know the ADORE has to go both ways. Is that what’s growing within me? Am I growing to adore her, or just getting more comfortable in the relationship?

At the same time I was a little off balance, she was the definition of what I was asking for just a few months ago. (Yoga Girl Next Door)

A few nights ago, returning from a trip, I was bushed and just wanted to sleep. She wanted satisfaction. She missed me. She hungered for me. When she woke up my desire I screwed her like I really remembered screwing. Passion. Energy. And stamina.

The headboard of her bed banging against the wall.

And for the last few days, I’ve been the On Parent again, and my stomach muscles have been telling me, cheering me, about my prowess. Damn!

So am I jumping into the next phase because of the extraordinary stress in my family situation right now? Am I stealing the bootie by sexing and caressing and sleeping with someone who… how can I say it… who is not my erotic ideal? And really, what does that mean?

The only thing I can grasp on to: This is still an early relationship. There is no need to jump further into things. We are three months into things. I don’t have to marry her and settle down next week. So I am observing, with curiosity, my attraction to other women. Sure: younger, skinnier, darker hair, darker skin. But those physical things are NOTHING compared to the ADORATION.

I know the ADORE has to go both ways. Is that what’s growing within me? Am I growing to adore her, or just getting more comfortable in the relationship? I know there is tension in the place where she is CRUSHING and I am not. But that should not be a problem if we stay open and honest.

That’s the trick. That will be the trick. I meet an attractive ideal, and I want to… what? Kiss? Date? Go to lunch? At what point do I have to tell her, “I’m still kinda looking.” A sad moment that will be.

Until that point, or the point at which I succumb to her charms and beauty, I will be aware of what is going on inside of me, and try to sort out what is real and what is fantasy. She is certainly REAL. She is certainly WARM and TOUCHY-FEELY.

And I could go on about her great qualities. Solid. Financially stable. Beautiful eyes.

I sound like I’m still trying to convince myself.

Sincerely,

The Off Parent

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December 16, 2012 | Categories: dating, desire, kissing, love, online dating, self-care, sex | Tags: 90-days, erotic fantasy, erotic ideal, girlfriend, girlfriend for 90-days, I'm not crushing on her, kiss kiss, kiss kiss bang bang, kiss me, long-term relationship, meeting my match, OK Cupid, online dating, relationship, saying "girlfriend", she loves me, she's crushing on me, sleeping patterns, warm, what I want | Leave A Comment »

Like Father Like Brother Like Son

I’m in paradise. I’m in the hospital. My brother, like my father before him, is awaiting open-heart surgery. And I look at my brother, and I look down at my own girth, and I’m committed to doing even more on my healthy living path.

My father had his first heart attack when I was about 10. He was playing in the finals of a tennis tournament. I wish I could remember what my dad was like on the tennis court. Though it became my favorite sport, I’m pretty sure we never played.

It was a typical hot Texas weekend and my dad had just split sets in the singles final. In the 5 minute break he had reclined in the shade with a huge glass of iced tea. He never got back up. The ambulance came quickly and screamed off to the hospital with him. I was left with HER. My drinking, smoking, step-mother.

My dad faced a choice soon after that moment: change your life, for the better, or deteriorate into a series of health catastrophes until your untimely death.

Somehow! Even with four loving kids. My dad did not rectify his life. He died at 53. His widow followed soon after. Young and pickled from their love of alcohol.

It’s an odd thing when you are facing death. Mine came in the form of suicidal ideation. (A gentler way of saying, thinking about killing yourself, but stoping short of making plans to kill yourself.)

There I was, a wreckage of post-divorce sadness and self-pity. And my silly, wounded mind kept imagining my fall from a famous bridge, or calculating how many Ambien it would take to make the euphoria just take me away.

EACH TIME I came back to the impact it would have on my KIDS. While I wasn’t pulling through FOR them, I was certainly not going to intentionally devastate them with my self-inflicted demise.

So how did my Dad make the choice to turn away from us, me (his adoring mini-me) and my brother and two sisters? My rationalization goes to his alcoholism and the complete lack of clear thinking possible under his Cutty Sark dementia.

Still, it is not enough. Something deeper drove my dad to his death-wish demise. Some wounding, some battle-royale with his mom or dad… Some overwhelming sadness that fed his helpless withdrawal from being my dad.

And now, staring across the darkened hospital room at my obese brother, I am praying rather than rooting for him. At a point there are the larger things in life that drive us onward. For me, in those dark dark dark times it was my kids that held me to the mast.

My brother is 5 years older than my father when he died of his heart failure and cancer. When I look at his buddha-like figure I recognize too much of my own pain. I have kids to guide and encourage my future efforts at remaining healthy and alive. I wonder at my father’s lack of perseverance at getting well, after his FIRST heart attack. And I am prayerful about my brother’s condition. He is alone, without kids or current relationship. He has us. My mom, my sister and me. What will be HIS core strength?

I see my father in my brother’s condition. And I see too much of my brother’s tragic sadness in myself to ignore the resonance. I sit in the dark and listen to his labored snoring. I think about his easy laugh and willingness to make other’s happy at his own expense.

There is nothing easy about today. I am happy in my life. I bring that joy to others. Beyond that there is prayer.

We Skyped my kids last night from the hospital. They danced and entertained us for 1o minutes. It was a bizarre-futuristic movie scene. There was joy and poignant sadness at what was missing from my brother’s life. At least he has us.

Sincerely,

The Off Parent

December 8, 2012 | Categories: dad, depression, health, kids, self-care | Tags: alcoholic, brother's heart attack, father and son, father's and divorce, father's heart attack, heart attack, in the name of the father, like father, my brother, my dad's divorce, my step-mom, suicide, surviving depression, the alcoholic dad | Leave A Comment »

Regain Confidence & Be Happy After Divorce [guest post]

Divorce is hard on everyone.

Whether you asked for it, it was mutual or it came as a big surprise, adjusting and relearning to live life after divorce is difficult no matter what side you’re on. Getting back to your old self can take a long time. However, you can begin to find happiness, peace, confidence and regain your self-esteem by using a few of these tips. No matter what you do, just be patient with yourself.

Rediscover who you used to be.

This is the time to pick up some of the hobbies and interests that you may have lost along the way. Maybe you for about them recently or they dropped off years ago, either way get back into them. Keeping yourself busy and going back to things you love will help you find happiness again. And on the plus side, you might make some new friends in the process.

With the addition of old hobbies, pick up some new ones.

It’s time to live a little. Get into an extreme sport, take up a writing class or volunteer at a dog shelter. Learning new things will help you feel more confident, expand your horizons and help you meet new people.

Start working out and eating right.

It’s time to switch gears if your health hasn’t always been a priority. Research healthy foods and sign up at a gym. Get a trainer if you really need the push. You’ll find that exercising and eating right will help you feel happier, give you more energy, make sleeping easier, cause your hair and skin to radiate AND you’ll look great and feel more confident because of it. You have everything to gain by getting yourself healthy.

Take your sexuality into your own hands.

With divorce comes the loss of sex and you just might not be ready to start dating or casually sleeping around yet. That doesn’t mean you have to go without. Take care of your own needs and explore themes and fantasies that you never got to do when you were married. If you need a little assistance, whether it be toys, lube or adult movies, this place Adam and Eve has got you covered. And it’s discreet and online, so what do you have to lose?

Dedicate time to yourself.

Set aside some time each week to make yourself better. Maybe that means manicures and pedicures, shopping for new clothes, getting a hair cut, reading the newspaper, saying affirmations, or even revamping your resume and looking for a new job. Make sure you spend this time doing stuff that is actually for you. Don’t do it to attract others or to distract yourself, consciously do it to make yourself feel good and to improve your own self-worth.

Be honest with yourself.

There are going to be bad days and you should accept them embrace them. There are going be great days and you should appreciate them even more. But if you don’t feel like you’re progressing, accept it and think about seeking outside help or at least recruiting a friend or family member to help you through this time. You can make excuses to others, but don’t get into the habit of lying to yourself about how you really are.

Most of all, just stay focused on the positive. Make the best of what you can and know you’re giving it all. Reward yourself for jobs well done and give yourself a break when things are tough. You’ll make it through.

November 24, 2012 | Categories: depression, divorce, sex | Tags: adam and eve, eat better, getting back to your old self, happy hobbies, masterbation, self pleasure, sex after divorce, sex toys, sexuality | 2 Comments »

To Love and Be Loved (Dating After Divorce)

Adoration is a wonderful and powerful thing. The woman I am dating has been responsible for lifting me up with the sheer will and determination of her adoration.

But somehow the word “girlfriend” still feels weird in my mouth. Like “wife” did when I first got married. After a while you begin to like the sound of it. I’m not there yet.

Last night, at her house, she said, “You know next Wednesday it will be eight weeks.”

“Huh?”

“Since we met.”

So why am I so reticent? What is my hold up?

It’s back to that adoration thing. It is absolutely frickin wonderful to be adored. And adored like I have never been before. Adored after a devastating divorce which left me nearly crippled. And on so many ways, this is enough.

But in one way, it is not enough. And I think I’ve got a handle on part of it.

The adoration from someone is a powerful healing force. BUT the complete circle is not made until you too are adoring back. It’s like I’m half open. I’m grateful. I’m loving. But I’m not adoring.

She feels it. She pushes against it, even if it’s like pushing on a sore spot. Because I can’t say it’s there if it isn’t. I can’t profess my undying love (like I did in my first two marriages) if I’ve still got my eye out for something that hits my chemistry love button as well.

But I don’t have to make all those decisions now. I have to be honest. I have to not lie when she pines for my “l” word. And I don’t have to make the decision to be with her till death or divorce do us part. We’re still only 8 weeks into it.

Sincerely,

The Off Parent

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Resources: