Divorce, Single Parenting, Dating, Sex, & Self-Recovery

Posts tagged “masterbation

Sex in the Marriage: Condition Grounded But Determined to Try

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I am guessing this is going to sound cliché. But clichés are there because they are based on repeatedly being shown as truths. What do you think about this statement?

After the heat wore off. After the kids were born. After the work of keeping up a house and mortgage payment became real. Sex became more and more infrequent.

We went through some interesting therapy sessions and ideas about how to reconnect sexually.

  • I wasn’t asking the right way
  • I was asking too much
  • I always asked at the wrong time
  • There was always something that needed to be done, before we could have sex
  • I didn’t help around the house enough
  • I needed to try seducing rather than asking, touch rather than request

Ultimately, once the sexual shift had happened there was only one period of relief.

I had just gotten a vasectomy. (A good sign, anyway, that we were doing it at all, so we would even want to keep having sex. It was kind of a right of passage from fathering to fucking.

She was already contemplating her departure, and those thoughts were crowding out the passion and love for me.

And the weeks following the surgery, after the swelling and pain had gone away, we had a sexual renaissance. You see, when you have a vaz there is a period afterwards where you are required to have 30 ejaculations before you can get tested for viable sperm. And if it’s all clear after that, you can begin nekkid sex without risk.

The ex-y even admitted to having an achievement complex, and we joked about her wanting the 30 gold stars in 45 days. And sure enough, the wind would blow and she was into getting me off. Perhaps it relieved the pressure on her to participate if it was about my orgasm and not making love.

We did it in the shower. She did me orally, manually, and seemingly with ease and enjoyment. Later we would look back on these weeks as “when it was good again.” At least, that’s what I remember saying about it. I certainly see it as the last hurrah of our marriage.

And then the goal was achieved. I was certified sperm free. And the sexual fire fizzled and went out. Almost as if a switch had been thrown. I couldn’t ask right, or provide enough house support (me or a maid) or money in the bank. There was ALWAYS something preventing us from doing it. I wanted to figure out how to have another vasectomy, or something. But nothing I tried worked.

Then, right at the end, when I had my moment of truth, I asked her. Well, it came out kind of sideways. I had bought a book “Your Sex-Starved Marriage” and she found it under the bed. It was as if she had found porn or something. She was angry. Of course I was accusing her of being the problem, that’s why I got the book. But she had plenty of ammo as to why it wasn’t all her.

She blamed it on stress, overwork, chores, things. But in reality she was no longer IN the marriage with me. She was already contemplating her departure, and those thoughts were crowding out the passion and love for me. Rather than demand closeness and touch, I withdrew into my own self-care miasma. But I sublimated my anger and desire. I compromised and let her slip further away from me. She was too far gone. And when I was finally angry it was a bit too late.

How does that phrase go? “You cannot prepare for love and war at the same time.”

Sincerely,

The Off Parent
@theoffparent

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Regain Confidence & Be Happy After Divorce [guest post]

Divorce is hard on everyone.

Whether you asked for it, it was mutual or it came as a big surprise, adjusting and relearning to live life after divorce is difficult no matter what side you’re on. Getting back to your old self can take a long time. However, you can begin to find happiness, peace, confidence and regain your self-esteem by using a few of these tips. No matter what you do, just be patient with yourself.

Rediscover who you used to be.

This is the time to pick up some of the hobbies and interests that you may have lost along the way. Maybe you for about them recently or they dropped off years ago, either way get back into them. Keeping yourself busy and going back to things you love will help you find happiness again. And on the plus side, you might make some new friends in the process.

With the addition of old hobbies, pick up some new ones.

It’s time to live a little. Get into an extreme sport, take up a writing class or volunteer at a dog shelter. Learning new things will help you feel more confident, expand your horizons and help you meet new people.

Start working out and eating right.

It’s time to switch gears if your health hasn’t always been a priority. Research healthy foods and sign up at a gym. Get a trainer if you really need the push. You’ll find that exercising and eating right will help you feel happier, give you more energy, make sleeping easier, cause your hair and skin to radiate AND you’ll look great and feel more confident because of it. You have everything to gain by getting yourself healthy.

Take your sexuality into your own hands.

With divorce comes the loss of sex and you just might not be ready to start dating or casually sleeping around yet. That doesn’t mean you have to go without. Take care of your own needs and explore themes and fantasies that you never got to do when you were married. If you need a little assistance, whether it be toys, lube or adult movies, this place Adam and Eve has got you covered. And it’s discreet and online, so what do you have to lose?

Dedicate time to yourself.

Set aside some time each week to make yourself better. Maybe that means manicures and pedicures, shopping for new clothes, getting a hair cut, reading the newspaper, saying affirmations, or even revamping your resume and looking for a new job. Make sure you spend this time doing stuff that is actually for you. Don’t do it to attract others or to distract yourself, consciously do it to make yourself feel good and to improve your own self-worth.

Be honest with yourself.

There are going to be bad days and you should accept them embrace them. There are going be great days and you should appreciate them even more. But if you don’t feel like you’re progressing, accept it and think about seeking outside help or at least recruiting a friend or family member to help you through this time. You can make excuses to others, but don’t get into the habit of lying to yourself about how you really are.

Most of all, just stay focused on the positive. Make the best of what you can and know you’re giving it all. Reward yourself for jobs well done and give yourself a break when things are tough. You’ll make it through.