[from Misconfigurations of Love – poetry]
after the 27th unanswered love poem
i discovered
of course i already knew
that i was making the whole thing up
maybe i had been ambiguous
or lacking in direct action
a poem is not exactly a kiss
6-26-13
[from a coffee love letter – poetry]
i want her to be gorgeous and a rocket scientist
or a poet
nice shoes, not gaudy shoes
brown hair would be a preference, nothing more
i’d like her to see through my bs
to know that i’m not as confident as i pretend to be
and i’d like to be safe
letting her see that truth
would be a release
i want to let go
and to relax into her arms
to nap with abandon
and share the fruits and the labor
and to enjoy the play between naps and sleep
where is fearless love born
what is the heart of trust
that never breaks
nothing is more important than this
there are many variables
i have a range of preferences
but this is non-negotiable
to have been hurt and yet soar
to know disappointment and still reach for the stars
every great journey must start from here
if the epic quest is to find love
to know how to be loved
and to fearlessly ignite
and stand beside another’s flame
in awe and joy
at seeing a reflection of your hopes
at believing again in someone else
at losing objections
and laughing at obstacles between us
i hold you here
holding my own heart
as an outstretched hand
an invitation
to dance
something cosmic and unknown
to fearlessly let go of everything
to dream and lose the dream
over and over
until we have built
a bonfire of passion and burning of vanities
a stripping of defense
even desire becomes satiated
in you
in this potential of we
in us
6-25-13
[from The Black Pages – poetry]
i am finding a place in my heart for each of them
each of the women who’ve passed through
a little bit off to the left
slightly beneath the resentment and anger
tucking them in so gently
they won’t feel a thing
cosy and comfy together
there is a large cast of characters
the major players
a sister who left the planet with a leap
a first ex-wife who still calls for no reason
a second ex-wife who keeps showing me why
why i was so unhappy but couldn’t see it
so much has changed
her approach to love and me
is still more business than pleasure
and the minor chorus of high school sweethearts
dreams and aspirations without structure or plan
and the one, in between, woman
who cried with joy when we made love the first time
and now the others
the most recent act and ensemble cast
the kissing girl, the over-thinker
the girlfriend that nearly changed everything
i am giving them a place where i can still love them
where the lessons and experiences
have brought me to prayer or punk rock
depending on the moment
i am finding a place for them to live together
my dos equis and company
and my first true love and mother and teacher
the sister who got away
before her full message had been given
she can soothe them now
in their unease and marginal effect
she can sing to them
of my praises
she was my original champion
my muse
my
sister
6-25-13
[from Misconfigurations of Love – poetry]
i once saw the most beautiful girl in the world
i stood beside her and talked to her
she was unafraid
i spent time with the most beautiful girl in the world
and i realized what got her there
was not something that was going to make me love her
she was centered and alert
but she was a bit too centered and alert
doors would be opened
corners would be cut
you could see in her style
that she was on guard
something was expected
the most beautiful girl in the world
actually became a bit boring after a while
she never paid for gas
she never offered her services
she wanted to be sure that no unspoken expectations would be met
i spent some time with the most beautiful girl in the world
and noticed she was not all that
her beauty was definitely more than skin deep
she was beauty through and through
and i was enamored
but i was not compelled to fall in love
there was a barrier that she enforced
she wanted something
love was not it
i saw the most beautiful girl in the world the other day
she was still beautiful
she was unaware of my presence
and in that moment I could see what was wrong
she was pained
she was hiding
she was alone
i left her there without disturbing her peace
the reverie i felt upon meeting her was spent
she did not want any further assistance
she did not need anything else
i left her in the aisle of the organic food store
looking like a beautiful and exotic bird
there are not many women with her dangerous looks
and haunting charm
and
something
missing
i felt a moment of desire for her
the most beautiful girl in the world
had to be clear
this was a business deal
there would be no exchange of affection
and she held me there at arm’s length
before the fantasy had a chance to emerge
she let it be known she was not interested
she would take my offer
she would offer nothing in return
for a moment, with the most beautiful girl in the world
that was enough
being next to her was refreshing
i would do anything to help her
for a moment, the most beautiful girl in the world was nearby
and she was within reach and within earshot
but i was told not to sing
i was given the rules
before a song was even imagined
it must be hard being the most beautiful girl in the world
of course the demands on her and desires of others are enormous
she had to defend herself
even before accepting my friendship
she had to kill the buzz
obviously it was my buzz she killed
she had learned how not to feel
she was suffering some deep inner pain
she was still beautiful, so beautiful
i could never understand that pain
she’s still around
from time to time i see her
still beautiful
still haunting and glowing in smiles and beauty
and something about her eyes
that takes me beyond myself
it must be hard
being so beautiful
in a world that feeds on beauty
that eats pretty young women
she must feel threatened
being so beautiful
is like being naked all the time
and there was no way for me to step close
without triggering the alarm
best not to even get started
with the most beautiful girl in the world
best not to even try
6-12-13
I seem to be moving on, beyond the divorce. I know, if you’re a reader, you’ve been noticing more about love and dating and self-improvement, and I think that’s a good, evolutionary, thing. There’s a new project, I’ve thought about for a long time, The Whole Parent, that may be ready for further exploration. Or maybe, the next LOVE, and how to go in, eyes open, as I did with GF #1, and develop that deeper connection, that adoration, that becomes love. I’d like to explore the “let’s be together forever” kinda feeling.
It is a happy and solid moment for me right now. Feeling like my D is receding a bit from my daily focus. Sure, the kids, and the money, are still a focus, but the ex-y has much less to do with my healing. She just is. Sure, she’s raised a ruckus about money, and that is probably the sole source of friction in my life, at the moment, but in general, I don’t pay much attention to her.
In the same way, I don’t pay attention to her, I don’t have to respond to all of her emotional outbursts. She has faded into the background noise, with people like mortgage collectors, and the cable company. They’re all going to get their money, before any damage is done. But they’re merely details. There is no emotional charge from Time Warner. And the ex-y may call for a jihad, but she’s really just expressing the same old distress that blew us apart. It’s not a crisis. It’s just business.
A word of wisdom from the old divorce recovery class, “You’re ex should be like a convenience store clerk. You go in and take care of your business, but you don’t necessarily need to know how their day was.”
The same may be happening here. I’m no longer that concerned with PAST and more interested in the FUTURE. I’m ready to explore what’s next.
And now, I think I need a retreat in nature. I’m not sure if it’s a sans-electronics (cause I write on this thing) but definitely a change of location for 5 days or so while the kids are traveling with the ex-y and her fiancé. (It’s bound to happen, they’ve been together now for 1.5 years, that’s longer than we dated before we got married, of course it hasn’t happened yet.)
I don’t know that you ever GET OVER your divorce. There are often moments that sneak up on you and remind you how much you lost. But mostly, for now, those are about the kids and not the ex-y. She was painting our relationship into a sterile glass box for over a year before I noticed the lack of oxygen, or touch, or compassion. She was already gone.
A friend from my divorce recovery class said it best, “At some point, ‘ugh’ will become ‘meh.'”
Sincerely
The Off Parent
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