Divorce, Single Parenting, Dating, Sex, & Self-Recovery

Online Dating: Setting Your Sights for WOW and Browsing the Herd

How to use online dating sites

Forgive the animal metaphor, but online dating is a bit like a cattle call. A stream of faces and mythical ratings to entice and enchant you. As the fantasy goes, “I’m single again, let’s take advantage of this new world, sew some seeds, have some fun.”

The reality is much more time consuming, mundane, and potentially expensive.

Filling out your online dating profile even if you have no intention of “working” the system, is one of the real benefits of giving it a go. Here’s why.

ABOUT YOU

  • Describing what you are like
  • Sharing things you like to do with others
  • Remembering what’s romantic, even if it’s been a long time
  • Outlining a bit about who you want to meet
  • Defining what you are looking for (a relationship, a fling, a bootie call)

ABOUT THEM

  • Seeking out and finding the traits you want in your next relationship
  • Noticing what “types” turn you on, and what things immediately turn you off
  • Seeing the wide variety of smiles and styles out there, theoretically dating
  • Do you have any deal breakers (smoking, drugs, too religious, not religious enough)
  • Exploring deeper aspects of a woman’s personality by reading her profile and looking at her answers

Overall, the process should bring several things to light.

  • Are you ready to be in a relationship?
  • Are you ready to shine up and show up?
  • How much are you willing to learn about the new dance of dating?

Here’s what I think I learned about myself, thus far.

  • I like dark hair more than lighter shades
  • I prefer small breasted women
  • If there is not something simply amazing about the person (that I can see in their profile) there probably will not be something amazing about them in person
  • I don’t really like dating, I want to be in-relationship and not paying for wine bars
  • Intelligence is more important than waistline, but… There is a limit
  • I’m craving something more than just a relationship, I want the BUZZ
  • The buzz has led me astray before, I have to keep refining my two core needs, in spite of the buzz
  • Physical touch and closeness is very important, and it can be over done
  • Emotional depth and ease of expression is something I’m good at, and I require that in my partner as well

All this to say, I have built a roadmap for finding the next love of my life. (Sounds corny.) But I’m not looking to shop the herd, or play the field. I’m looking to find the next person “to come home to.” (An OKCupid catch phrase.)

So in this year or so, that I’ve been playing on OKCupid I have had three relationships. One long one. (Current “girlfriend” is going on three months.) But I’ve only met ONE woman who embodied for me the IT GIRL. As I was walking away from this two-hour chat I was thinking, “If she’ll date, I’ll take down my profile tomorrow.”

She didn’t. And thus I’m about to hang my flag back up on OKCupid.

But I think I need to talk to the “girlfriend” and be honest about what’s going on. It’s part of the new year. Not to live with “almost” and to open up the pain of “alone” to make room for “wow.”

Sincerely,

The Off Parent

PS. What does “spiritual but not religious” mean? I think I know, do you?

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