Divorce, Single Parenting, Dating, Sex, & Self-Recovery

What You Can’t Leave Behind After Divorce

Kids. Pets. A House. A neighborhood. A lifestyle.

looking for love after divorceThere is no escape from your history with this person. And the loss of so many touchpoints in such a short period of time… Devastating. As I tried to capture in the Jetpack post, you have no idea that you are about to go into free fall, but it is coming nonetheless. And the reaction and recovery from that shock can determine your trajectory over the next several years, maybe lifetime.

Another U2 song then quickly becomes a new anthem. “I Still Haven’t Found, What I’m Looking For.”

One of the things I realize, as I am now single again, is my complete commitment to my previous relationship. What I was certain of, and what perhaps prevented me from noticing the devastating changes in my marriage, as it was falling apart, is I was IN. There was no hesitation or ambiguity about my loyalty. Even as I fell further and further into lonliness and depression–WHILE STILL MARRIED–I was unaware that the foundation of my marriage was in danger. For me I was still 100% committed. While my ex-y had already consulted with a lawyer about “options.”

So I’m learning, or at least exploring, that adoration must go both ways for me. And I’m not talking yoga instructor hot, but there has to be a sense of overwhelm, intoxication, before I’m convinced that the object of my affection is enough. I’m still trying to figure out if that is an unrealistic or unhealthy expectation. Or if it is a requirement that wraps up my imagination in a way that excludes any other woman.

Too much intoxication or obsession signals a different problem. And probably points to an unhealthy relationship with my primary care providers, mom and dad. But not enough and I’m not sure that I’ve found what I’m looking/longing for.


The Off Parent


One Response

  1. Derek

    Your fourth paragraph in this post hit me pretty hard. That’s exactly how I’ve been feeling lately but haven’t been able to pin down the words to describe it.

    Because of my job, I became stressed, distant, and depressed and hard a hard time dealing with what was going on in the marriage. Even up to the point of not even realizing what may have been been completely obvious to me before. She became distant too, and eventually cheated. I was 100% committed, admittedly going through a rough time, but very quickly found out that her percentage was a tad lower. She even admitted to me she that she wasn’t ready to get married in the first place. It’s amazing how all the beautiful emotions you had for one person can be so instantaneously distorted.

    The divorce is nearly final, though and I’m doing a lot better. Hobbies, books, friends, and blogs like yours really help a lot. Thank you.

    …Also I agree with you on the adoration bit. I think I’m going to replace Commitment, Loyalty, and Love with Adoration, Respect, and Passion in my next relationship and see what happens.

    December 19, 2012 at 12:33 am

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