Stay At Home Mom: A Dream Unfulfilled
I wanted my wife to be able to attend school functions, meet the bus after school, provide the stay-at-home lifestyle that was so common in our neighborhood. And for the first 5 years, it was almost so. I went off to work with the expectations that she could provide a nurturing landing pad for them in and around school activities.
We lived in an upper-middle-class neighborhood with plenty of affluent families who could afford the one-income lifestyle. And again, we were close. But for some portions of that time she was a part-time working mom. Booking anywhere from 10 – 20 hours a week.
We could’ve lived across town. We could’ve decided that our time with our kids was more important than the great schools we were affording them. But we didn’t. I soldiered on with my big job with big benefits while she went to mid-morning events at the school, and chummed up with the other less-than-full-time moms. And perhaps that was a sore spot for her too. We were surrounded by couples that had made it. Ours was a different path.
And she was much better at school events. She handled proctoring the table of first-graders much better than I did. She was never short of ideas for kid-friendly activities. She never passed up a kid’s request, “Can we paint?” It was one of her gifts. She was fearless with the kids.
So it was a slightly dogged dad that I had become trying to support this selective imbalance. And for the most part, I was fully on-board and supportive and happy that she had the extra time to be with the kids. But there was a sadness too.
I was sad somewhere deep inside, about not being able to provide as well as my dad did, making the nice home, nice neighborhood, nice stay-at-home wife. And sometimes when I would visit the school in place of my wife, I would feel guilty, like SHE was supposed to be there not me. And somehow it was my fault that she was having to work and I was filling in.
But the reality is this: I deserve time with my kids as much as she does. I gave up my ability to proctor classroom activities for a shot at allowing her to be there. There are plenty of families in our school district who have two working parents. And we had certainly achieved an agreeable fit. At least that’s what I felt about it.
Today I visited my daughter at school for lunch. She didn’t know I was coming. I didn’t really plan it out, I just looked at the schedule and noticed that her lunch was at 12:4o and off I went. She was delighted to see me. She proudly quizzed me about her friends’ names and laughed with them as I couldn’t remember any of them. And we sat and chatted with the group while she ate.
Looking around the cafeteria there was one other man in the room. I was in the realm of women and children. But the sad tone did not creep into my thoughts. I was happy to have the time to visit, I was happy my daughter was doing well with the divorce, and I was happy to be able to know that the value I provided was over and above any income bracket or a nice house. What I provide for my daughter is a solid male example.
I left before the lunch was completely over. The table was getting excited at the anticipation of going out for recess. I high-fived my daughter and said, “I’ll see you after the bus today, at your mom’s house.” I was picking up my son and my daughter was choosing to stay at home with the very cool babysitter. And we were happy with the arrangement.
Sincerely,
The Off Parent
Resources:
- The Divorce Library (reading list)
- Songs of Divorce (free listening library – youtube sourced songs)
- Laugh It Off (building a resource library of funny videos and other diversions)
- Facebook (follow us on Facebook and keep up with all the conversations)
- The 5 Love Languages (a book on love styles by Gary Chapman)
Stealing Home – “walking out of my house for the last time”
When it finally went down, when I was walking out of MY house for the last time, I felt a bit I was acting out the exit scene in The Jerk. “Just one more thing.” And with the closing of that door behind me, everything changed. Suddenly anything I wanted I had to ask for. I left with a bag of clothes a few books and little else.
The exit had been requested months earlier, mid-March. But I refused to throw my entire family (mainly the kids who were 2 months from the finish of the school year) into chaos because my ex had built up the anger and resentment to finally ask for a divorce. I said no a number of times that week and a few times the next week. We had been living as roommates for months, we could do it for a few more months to deflect the trauma until the summer when we all had more time to heal.
For this solidity I give thanks. I believe the experience for the kids was tempered as their mom and I worked through the details of custody and schedules.
When the moment came for me to actually acquiesce it was a Friday morning. My sleep had been getting more and more ragged. And I was losing my objectivity. So I agreed to leave it all behind and give her the dominion of the house. I didn’t really believe I was walking out for the last time, but I knew things would fundamentally be different from that moment on.
So now, months later, from the outside I have given the house to my ex-wife and kids. I realized at some point during the negotiations that I did not want to be in the “family home” alone. And I would be alone a lot more of the time than she was. And that was the DEAL. I could’ve gone for 50/50 time. I could’ve forced the sale of the house. But I gave the rights to the home and the 70/30 split of time to her.
And perhaps it is better for them to be with their mom more. Either way, that’s pretty much what I would’ve gotten had I gone before the courts and asked the judge. And what I got for the consolation was a chunk of retirement money that was going to be taxed at 30% the minute I needed to touch it for a down payment. But what I really got was a happier ex. I’m pretty sure neither of us would qualify for the house at this moment. I could have some bitterness that we got a cash-out or a refi less than a month before she asked for a divorce. But perhaps this too was a gift. Without it, economic times would’ve come much harder for my entire family.
Sincerely,
The Off Parent
Resources:
- The Divorce Library (reading list)
- Songs of Divorce (free listening library – youtube sourced songs)
- Laugh It Off (building a resource library of funny videos and other diversions)
- Facebook (follow us on Facebook and keep up with all the conversations)
- The 5 Love Languages (a book on love styles by Gary Chapman)
image: The Homecoming used via cc terms
Wisdom from the trenches – “responsible separation”
“What can we do to give you the distance you need, without hurting the family?”
He kept saying, “I don’t love you anymore.” And “I don’t like what you’ve become.”
She kept saying, “I don’t buy it.”
I think the roles are reversed for me in this situation, but these words were those of Laura A. Munson writing in the New York Times about her husbands request for a divorce.
WOW.
So she committed to her happiness regardless of what external circumstances brought her, and she said “No,” to her husband’s request. And she offers some interesting wisdom that I know I need to grok more fully.
So I had become the keystone in my ex-y’s anger. And my questions regarding her rage, and did she think she was going to turn into a happy person, simply by me walking out the door? I don’t think she really ever responded to my question. But perhaps I wasn’t asking. I was telling. And I was NOT agreeing to walk out the door.
And that’s what I was striving for, but perhaps I turned it into a marital fight without meaning to. Yes I pressed, but I was exhausted about being held at arms length from the love of my life, and trapped in the box of indecision. It wasn’t the sex, it was the simple expressions of caring that were difficult for her. And a warmth that I had come to crave was being withheld.
My connection to this story continues here: Strengthening Your Core Happiness
Sincerely,
The Off Parent
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Reference:
- This Is Not the Story You Think It Is…: A Season of Unlikely Happiness – book by Laura Munson
- MODERN LOVE: Those Aren’t Fighting Words, Dear – NY Times
Resources:
- The Divorce Library (reading list)
- Songs of Divorce (free listening library – youtube sourced songs)
- Laugh It Off (building a resource library of funny videos and other diversions)
- Facebook (follow us on Facebook and keep up with all the conversations)
- The 5 Love Languages (a book on love styles by Gary Chapman)
