Divorce, Single Parenting, Dating, Sex, & Self-Recovery

Nothing Left – A New and Welcome Emptiness Between Us

Like my siren, Emma Forrest is a lover of inkAnd tonight when the ex-y came by to pick up the kids, there was absolutely nothing between us. I was thrilled to be less than interested. We exchanged pleasantries and not a single shard of pain.

Maybe it’s the tattoo’d siren who is texting fragments of songs and dreams through out day. Maybe it’s a new plateau of healing. Maybe I’m writing into an understanding of her distant personality and how I could’ve seen the clues early on in our dating, had I wanted to see them.

I’m not giddy about the change, but I am looking forward to more “nothing.”

It’s funny, or synchronous, I’m reading a beautiful book by a beautiful woman who feels so deeply she harms herself.** And she’s brilliant. And feeling. And seriously fucked up. And the siren in my life is a fascinating cross of motherhood (she has 5 kids) and an exuberantly young soul who likes to start an evening in the late 10’s. And the inked plum blossoms across her shoulder are like a net, drawing in my imagination.

“Are you turned off by ink,” she asked in an early email.

I am imagining writing a new love song so happy it warrants new ink on her. She’s an intoxicant and she’s coming back this weekend. And that potential, for “what” is empowering. Where ever she fits in my next trajectory, she has provided escape velocity; an imaginative texter with an amazing smile and joie d’ vivre. The opposite of cool, the antithesis of distant.


The Off Parent

image: emma forrest – **your voice in my head (amazon link)


2 Responses

  1. il128

    Why would you be dating or even interested in a woman with five kids? You have so much on your pate right now, why take on six more people in your life?

    May 23, 2012 at 4:19 am

    • thewriter

      That’s a funny question. Yes I can see how the small hints of info I’ve given open more of a story than the indifference of my heart to my ex-y.

      Here are a few additional pieces of information. Said siren lives city about 100 miles away, giving a nice cushion of exploration prior to any heavy relationship like decisions. And her kids (“Five?” I said, “You’re kidding me.”) are all growed up. Last batch, twins are just completing their freshman year in a private college in some other state. So even though she has them, and talks to them, and nurtures them, I don’t perceive that I’m going to be introduced to them anytime soon.

      Another wonderful feature the ex-y and I put into our parenting plan is this “6-months before introducing a new relationship” which means, I can’t even think about sharing her with my kids for another 5.5 months. And that’s just fine.

      The bottom line is, I’m not in a hurry. I’m not 100% teed up for “what’s the next relationship” at this moment. I am skipping romantic involvement with anyone I can’t see a future with, but that future is a distant concept at this moment. That gives some space to the entire process. More importantly, for me, it keeps my ex-y’s temporary choices from affecting my kids. (Maybe that sounds cold, but I am fine with her moving on and rebounding and dating who ever she likes, but I take some consolation in the distance between dating and hearing my kids say, “Mom’s boyfriend bought a Jet Ski.”

      Thanks again for your comment.

      May 23, 2012 at 6:48 am

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