Divorce, Single Parenting, Dating, Sex, & Self-Recovery

Posts tagged “sex toys

Sex Without Desire Is More Like Porn Than Lovemaking


Maybe the term lovemaking actually does have a deeper meaning. In looking into the eyes of someone you are making love to, you want to see them looking back, and actually seeing you. The first time the ex-y returned my passionate gaze with the what’s-taking-so-long look, I knew we were not connecting. My arousal died in that moment. She had already had her orgasm. So I was okay with not having one myself. But..

It was a shocking moment for me. Like waking up in your marriage to discover she never really enjoyed sex that much anyway. While I don’t think that was the case with the ex-y, the moment we were locked in the throes of a stolen kid-free afternoon and I detected boredom in her eyes I was toast. I didn’t care about finishing. We were done. Or… More accurately, she was done.

This might have spelled the end more clearly than I understood. She didn’t want sex. She fought about sex. She complained about how I asked for sex.

In looking for that mix of love and sex it’s important to know what kinds of things turn us on and what kinds of things turn us off. Over time we learn these things about ourselves, and with a partner, we begin to learn them about the JOIN in our lovemaking. That’s where the LOVE is. It’s in having sex with the same person, knowing their ticklish spots, and their erotic zones so you can play their bodies like a nicely tuned guitar. That was my approach, anyway.

Having sex is a special event. It can be either casual and recreational, in which case, perhaps the “caring” and “love” part plays a lesser role. But a recent study on current sexual trends points us the other direction, towards intimacy, for better sex.

The Huffington Post picked up a Glamour story with the title: Hot Sex Includes Trust For 87 Percent Of Women, Says Survey. Interesting point, however, is MEN actually reported higher scores on wanting trust to fuel great sex. “The vast majority of men (95 percent) also agreed that an emotional connection makes a sexual experience more satisfying, and both genders said they cared more about satisfying their partner than themselves.” I guess, since it’s a woman’s magazine, the HER angle is more relevant, but the men seem to be catching on. Sex with someone you really want to be with is MUCH better than just sex.

And then there’s that little snippet at the end. “Both genders said they cared more about satisfying their partner than themselves.” UM, what?

I know this is how I feel. And how I felt on that day, 4 or so years ago, when my then-wife actually had chores or bills on her mind while I was in the process of making, or attempting to make, love to her. There was very little in her thoughts about satisfying me. She was done with her part and was simply waiting for me to finish.

This might have spelled the end more clearly than I understood. She didn’t want sex. She fought about sex. She complained about how I asked for sex. She always got off when we had sex, but she had started not-caring about the LOVE in the experience. And that was a deal killer, both in the moment and in our marriage.


The Off Parent

Note: And at the very moment I saved this post, my phone dings and it shows I have a new email on Match.com. Tigermom333 has sent me an email. And even before I open the message, looking at a postage stamp sized image of her, I can see we are not even close to being a match. And someone might want to clue her in on picking a user name. ACK!

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Huffington Post Link:  Hot Sex Includes Trust For 87 Percent Of Women

Regain Confidence & Be Happy After Divorce [guest post]

Divorce is hard on everyone.

Whether you asked for it, it was mutual or it came as a big surprise, adjusting and relearning to live life after divorce is difficult no matter what side you’re on. Getting back to your old self can take a long time. However, you can begin to find happiness, peace, confidence and regain your self-esteem by using a few of these tips. No matter what you do, just be patient with yourself.

Rediscover who you used to be.

This is the time to pick up some of the hobbies and interests that you may have lost along the way. Maybe you for about them recently or they dropped off years ago, either way get back into them. Keeping yourself busy and going back to things you love will help you find happiness again. And on the plus side, you might make some new friends in the process.

With the addition of old hobbies, pick up some new ones.

It’s time to live a little. Get into an extreme sport, take up a writing class or volunteer at a dog shelter. Learning new things will help you feel more confident, expand your horizons and help you meet new people.

Start working out and eating right.

It’s time to switch gears if your health hasn’t always been a priority. Research healthy foods and sign up at a gym. Get a trainer if you really need the push. You’ll find that exercising and eating right will help you feel happier, give you more energy, make sleeping easier, cause your hair and skin to radiate AND you’ll look great and feel more confident because of it. You have everything to gain by getting yourself healthy.

Take your sexuality into your own hands.

With divorce comes the loss of sex and you just might not be ready to start dating or casually sleeping around yet. That doesn’t mean you have to go without. Take care of your own needs and explore themes and fantasies that you never got to do when you were married. If you need a little assistance, whether it be toys, lube or adult movies, this place Adam and Eve has got you covered. And it’s discreet and online, so what do you have to lose?

Dedicate time to yourself.

Set aside some time each week to make yourself better. Maybe that means manicures and pedicures, shopping for new clothes, getting a hair cut, reading the newspaper, saying affirmations, or even revamping your resume and looking for a new job. Make sure you spend this time doing stuff that is actually for you. Don’t do it to attract others or to distract yourself, consciously do it to make yourself feel good and to improve your own self-worth.

Be honest with yourself.

There are going to be bad days and you should accept them embrace them. There are going be great days and you should appreciate them even more. But if you don’t feel like you’re progressing, accept it and think about seeking outside help or at least recruiting a friend or family member to help you through this time. You can make excuses to others, but don’t get into the habit of lying to yourself about how you really are.

Most of all, just stay focused on the positive. Make the best of what you can and know you’re giving it all. Reward yourself for jobs well done and give yourself a break when things are tough. You’ll make it through.