Our Sexual Brain and the Lies It Tells Us
At the base of the relationships between men and women, is our animal nature. The physiology and biology that propelled us out of the caves and into the stars are still really about hormones, chemicals in the brain, and our unquenchable desire to further our genetic lines. Even as evolved as we think we are, chemicals like testosterone and dopamine really controlling our energy and motivation more than we’d like to think.
I’ve been exploring my own fixation on youth and fitness and how that is largely driven by these same procreative, base needs. And how as a somewhat evolved male Homosapien, I have some control over the more ape-like ancestral rushes that occasionally course through me. And today I hit on an example that might clarify a bit more of my own self-examination around these urges vs. what I really want.
Today I was playing tennis with my 11 yo daughter. I have been teaching her how to play. And today on the court I was sitting back and watching her practice serves. On the court next to us was an older woman who, though sightly more robust than my partnering preference, was doing a fine job of beating the pants off her male partner. At this same time, just outside the fence behind my daughter, a young coed, walking her dog, strolled by looking quite fit, but perhaps a bit young to be of interest other than an observation of her beauty.
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Every flash of cleavage, every picture on the web, all the titillation around me would give stir to my ape-chemistry and I would derive a little motivational boost.
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Seeing these three women at the same time, I got it in a flash. My animal brain and body were attracted to the coed. My love and parenting body was happily enjoying my daughter’s physical practice. And my mind, unencumbered by sexual fantasy, was also fascinated and interested in the woman playing tennis.
The sirens of sex.
I don’t have to give in to the sexual chemistry. And one thing I know about myself, when I’m getting some of my sexual needs met, my sublimated sexual energy is much less powerful. And I’ve been trying to understand some of this dynamic in myself as I’m trying to imagine and conjure up my next relationship.
Before I was paired up, as a boyfriend or a married man, I was a bit more like a wild animal. Every flash of cleavage, every picture on the web, all the titillation around me would give stir to my ape-chemistry and I would derive a little motivational boost. It wasn’t that I wanted to mate with each of the objects of desire, but there was some shortage in my life, some lack. Perhaps my ape-brain was looking for a mate. My evolved brain was a bit more capable of parsing out the desire part from the sex part, and I was usually able to leave the potential mate unmolested.
But something cool happened when I got matted up. (And I am certain this is different for each man and woman — as we all have different histories and hoped-for futures.) When I was IN a relationship, I no longer scanned the savannah for sex. While I could see an attractive young athlete and say, “Wow.” I no longer had any desire to pursue sex or children or even gawking at her.
That’s how I knew, in my evolved self, that GF#1 was not the IT girl for me. Even as I was in a relationship with her, and committed to her, my ape-related drive was not satisfied. Even though I had a relationship with an attractive woman, my chemistry was not settled. I did not feel complete.
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I knew when I was married that I was SET. I did not desire another woman, ever. I did not roam or roar for anyone else. But when the sexual connection was severed I roared like a wounded animal and fell into a long period of rebuilding.
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I know that’s a bad metaphor. But something in my DNA likes to be mated. And when it is complete, or solid, I no longer cruise the herd looking for something fresh, new, and young. When I was married, even as things were going south, there was never a moment when I considered pursuing sex with another woman. I simply did not want anything, sexually, other than what I had. So, like an animal, when the sex when south too, I began to express my rage and sadness and loss.
It’s interesting to note, as a creature of chemistry and instinct, we are also driven by motivation, safety, and happiness. But, I am certain that part of my happiness was related to the sex and the chemicals it produced, the safety and trust it expressed, that when lost, I began to wonder for the first time about the viability of my relationship.
I never looked outside the marriage for that connection. And even after divorced, I maintained a fairly celibate life as I knew my sexual brain could get me into a lot of trouble when it was flooded with so much sadness, anger, and appetite.
I had never been adored like I was adored by GF#1. She was fearless, close, and spoke “touch” as her love language as well. I tried to get a clue about my sexual ennui over the three months of our relationship, and in the end, agreed to release her back to the wild so she could find the roar for her that was as strong as her roar for me.
Today I connected a tiny bit more of my history and chemistry. And I identified the Sexual Sirens that are all around me and saw for the first time how different they were to me, depending on my relationship status. If I was mated and getting regular sex. I could care less for their siren song. If I was alone, like a lone lion, I was eager to catch thrill and quick to give chase.
I knew when I was married that I was SET. I did not desire another woman, ever. I did not roam or roar for anyone else. But when the sexual connection was severed I roared like a wounded animal and fell into a long period of rebuilding.
Along those lines, then, my thinking is, when I’m sorting out and evaluating my next relationship, I will listen to the clues in my body and my brain that are either satisfied or hungry to guide a part of my understanding of the animal fit. There’s a lot more to a RELATIONSHIP than fit or chemistry, but boy, when those things go off there’s a lot of roaring to do.
Sincerely,
The Off Parent
*Originally published in 2014
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related posts:
- Casual Sex. What? I Have No Experience with This…
- Vengeance Dating Syndrome (a Post-divorce Pattern)
- Burn the Maps!
resources:
- The Divorce Library (reading list)
- Songs of Divorce (free listening library – youtube sourced songs)
- Laugh It Off (building a resource library of funny videos and other diversions)
- Facebook (follow us on Facebook and keep up with all the conversations)
- The 5 Love Languages (a book on love styles by Gary Chapman)
image: thigh high, lucy naughton, creative commons usage
Incredible Orgasms Didn’t Save My Marriage
Maybe the fact that I bought this book for my ex-y while we were still married was a sign. And we never got to it. She saw a book on the side of the bed that I was reading, called Saving Your Sex-Starved Marriage. Um, I didn’t really mean for her to see it. And when she did it started a big fight. (That was a sign as well.)
You see, I’ve always been a big fan of the female orgasm. Don’t think I don’t like my own as well, but something about that experience of making a woman kinda explode with pleasure… Well, that’s my definition of high. (Maybe I’m a lesbian.)
Okay so sex with the ex-y devolved into something like this: 1. I give her an amazing oral orgasm; 2. I can have sex with her if I want to after that.
There’s no myth or mystery about the fact that most women don’t have orgasms vaginally. That’s okay with me. If I had a penis that could perform even half as well or long as my fingers and tongue can… Well, you get the idea.
Okay, so I’m pretty hyped on the orgasm thing, her orgasm. And when I started having desire/erection problems with my current, the “girlfriend,” I was a little concerned that I was simply growing older. What I learned was, it wasn’t my desire or my penis. It was my animal attraction to the “girlfriend.”
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I already know I will regret it even before I do it. She will be sad. I will be lonely. We will move on.
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There’s a great song on the new Wilco album, “I should’ve been in love.” It’s how I feel. This woman is most of my needs and desires in spades. Touch: bang. Emotional intelligence: yep. Desire and sex drive: um, above mine, and that’s a first.
And yet, I’ve just turned my OK Cupid profile back on. I’m not just looking for something or someone who’s perfect. But when you don’t have that pop, that chemical jolt, well, without that, I feel like something is missing.
My sister rightly points out, “You’re sexual chemistry thing hasn’t worked out so well, has it?” But I beg to differ. (Except in the case of wife #1 the insane Basque woman, who was hotter than a firecracker and loopier than one exploding.) The allure was immediate when I ran into the ex-y that first time. I reach out a hand to shake, she reached out her arms to hug. I was smitten in those few first seconds. I never recovered.
What is it about “girlfriend” that doesn’t pop? I really am curious about that. At the moment, I’m still IN with her (Meaning, I’m not dating anyone else, and we’re spending all of my free time together – in my mind I’m trying to give it a chance to grow.) but I’m feeling the pull, even at the risk of being alone, of going back out on to the market. Saying, “I’m not that into you.”
It will be a painful moment. And I already know I will regret it even before I do it. She will be sad. I will be lonely. We will move on. We will remain friends. (Maybe.) I’m even a little pre-sad now just admitting and writing this.
But this one time, this next time, as I have a clearer bead on what I want and what I don’t want, I’m also committed to not settling for “almost.”
Sincerely,
The Off Parent
related posts:
- The Beginning of the End: Losing Touch In My Marriage
- Terms of Surrender: Our Divorce Papers
- No Divorce Expert: But If You Parent 50/50 You Should Divorce 50/50
- this very last second of love i have for you a poem
- The 1st and 2nd Time I Knew My Marriage Was Finished
resources:
- The Divorce Library (reading list)
- Songs of Divorce (free listening library – youtube sourced songs)
- Laugh It Off (building a resource library of funny videos and other diversions)
- Facebook (follow us on Facebook and keep up with all the conversations)
- The 5 Love Languages (a book on love styles by Gary Chapman)
