Sex Without Desire Is More Like Porn Than Lovemaking
Maybe the term lovemaking actually does have a deeper meaning. In looking into the eyes of someone you are making love to, you want to see them looking back, and actually seeing you. The first time the ex-y returned my passionate gaze with the what’s-taking-so-long look, I knew we were not connecting. My arousal died in that moment. She had already had her orgasm. So I was okay with not having one myself. But..
It was a shocking moment for me. Like waking up in your marriage to discover she never really enjoyed sex that much anyway. While I don’t think that was the case with the ex-y, the moment we were locked in the throes of a stolen kid-free afternoon and I detected boredom in her eyes I was toast. I didn’t care about finishing. We were done. Or… More accurately, she was done.
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This might have spelled the end more clearly than I understood. She didn’t want sex. She fought about sex. She complained about how I asked for sex.
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In looking for that mix of love and sex it’s important to know what kinds of things turn us on and what kinds of things turn us off. Over time we learn these things about ourselves, and with a partner, we begin to learn them about the JOIN in our lovemaking. That’s where the LOVE is. It’s in having sex with the same person, knowing their ticklish spots, and their erotic zones so you can play their bodies like a nicely tuned guitar. That was my approach, anyway.
Having sex is a special event. It can be either casual and recreational, in which case, perhaps the “caring” and “love” part plays a lesser role. But a recent study on current sexual trends points us the other direction, towards intimacy, for better sex.
The Huffington Post picked up a Glamour story with the title: Hot Sex Includes Trust For 87 Percent Of Women, Says Survey. Interesting point, however, is MEN actually reported higher scores on wanting trust to fuel great sex. “The vast majority of men (95 percent) also agreed that an emotional connection makes a sexual experience more satisfying, and both genders said they cared more about satisfying their partner than themselves.” I guess, since it’s a woman’s magazine, the HER angle is more relevant, but the men seem to be catching on. Sex with someone you really want to be with is MUCH better than just sex.
And then there’s that little snippet at the end. “Both genders said they cared more about satisfying their partner than themselves.” UM, what?
I know this is how I feel. And how I felt on that day, 4 or so years ago, when my then-wife actually had chores or bills on her mind while I was in the process of making, or attempting to make, love to her. There was very little in her thoughts about satisfying me. She was done with her part and was simply waiting for me to finish.
This might have spelled the end more clearly than I understood. She didn’t want sex. She fought about sex. She complained about how I asked for sex. She always got off when we had sex, but she had started not-caring about the LOVE in the experience. And that was a deal killer, both in the moment and in our marriage.
Sincerely,
The Off Parent
Note: And at the very moment I saved this post, my phone dings and it shows I have a new email on Match.com. Tigermom333 has sent me an email. And even before I open the message, looking at a postage stamp sized image of her, I can see we are not even close to being a match. And someone might want to clue her in on picking a user name. ACK!
< back to On Dating Again index
related posts:
- Sex Rules: The Frequency, the Fun, and the Fantasy
- Browsable Women: The Three Hells of Online Dating
- Relationships and Dating Are A Bit Like Space Travel
- Blinding Desire
- Learning About “I Need You” vs. “I Want You”
resources:
- The Divorce Library (reading list)
- Songs of Divorce (free listening library – youtube sourced songs)
- Laugh It Off (building a resource library of funny videos and other diversions)
- Facebook (follow us on Facebook and keep up with all the conversations)
- The 5 Love Languages (a book on love styles by Gary Chapman)
Huffington Post Link: Hot Sex Includes Trust For 87 Percent Of Women
Incredible Orgasms Didn’t Save My Marriage
Maybe the fact that I bought this book for my ex-y while we were still married was a sign. And we never got to it. She saw a book on the side of the bed that I was reading, called Saving Your Sex-Starved Marriage. Um, I didn’t really mean for her to see it. And when she did it started a big fight. (That was a sign as well.)
You see, I’ve always been a big fan of the female orgasm. Don’t think I don’t like my own as well, but something about that experience of making a woman kinda explode with pleasure… Well, that’s my definition of high. (Maybe I’m a lesbian.)
Okay so sex with the ex-y devolved into something like this: 1. I give her an amazing oral orgasm; 2. I can have sex with her if I want to after that.
There’s no myth or mystery about the fact that most women don’t have orgasms vaginally. That’s okay with me. If I had a penis that could perform even half as well or long as my fingers and tongue can… Well, you get the idea.
Okay, so I’m pretty hyped on the orgasm thing, her orgasm. And when I started having desire/erection problems with my current, the “girlfriend,” I was a little concerned that I was simply growing older. What I learned was, it wasn’t my desire or my penis. It was my animal attraction to the “girlfriend.”
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I already know I will regret it even before I do it. She will be sad. I will be lonely. We will move on.
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There’s a great song on the new Wilco album, “I should’ve been in love.” It’s how I feel. This woman is most of my needs and desires in spades. Touch: bang. Emotional intelligence: yep. Desire and sex drive: um, above mine, and that’s a first.
And yet, I’ve just turned my OK Cupid profile back on. I’m not just looking for something or someone who’s perfect. But when you don’t have that pop, that chemical jolt, well, without that, I feel like something is missing.
My sister rightly points out, “You’re sexual chemistry thing hasn’t worked out so well, has it?” But I beg to differ. (Except in the case of wife #1 the insane Basque woman, who was hotter than a firecracker and loopier than one exploding.) The allure was immediate when I ran into the ex-y that first time. I reach out a hand to shake, she reached out her arms to hug. I was smitten in those few first seconds. I never recovered.
What is it about “girlfriend” that doesn’t pop? I really am curious about that. At the moment, I’m still IN with her (Meaning, I’m not dating anyone else, and we’re spending all of my free time together – in my mind I’m trying to give it a chance to grow.) but I’m feeling the pull, even at the risk of being alone, of going back out on to the market. Saying, “I’m not that into you.”
It will be a painful moment. And I already know I will regret it even before I do it. She will be sad. I will be lonely. We will move on. We will remain friends. (Maybe.) I’m even a little pre-sad now just admitting and writing this.
But this one time, this next time, as I have a clearer bead on what I want and what I don’t want, I’m also committed to not settling for “almost.”
Sincerely,
The Off Parent
related posts:
- The Beginning of the End: Losing Touch In My Marriage
- Terms of Surrender: Our Divorce Papers
- No Divorce Expert: But If You Parent 50/50 You Should Divorce 50/50
- this very last second of love i have for you a poem
- The 1st and 2nd Time I Knew My Marriage Was Finished
resources:
- The Divorce Library (reading list)
- Songs of Divorce (free listening library – youtube sourced songs)
- Laugh It Off (building a resource library of funny videos and other diversions)
- Facebook (follow us on Facebook and keep up with all the conversations)
- The 5 Love Languages (a book on love styles by Gary Chapman)
