kids after divorce | The Off Parent The Off Parent

Alone is Different Than Aloneliness After Divorce

There are hundreds of times during the day that I miss my kids. (The ex, not so much.) And on the days when they are not coming home to MY HOUSE, well… I can choose to be sad about those days, or…

Alone I have all options open to me. My time is my own. While I still have to make money (and now, supporting two households, it’s even more than it was when I was still married) the time back, the time I would never have been able to negotiate during my marriage, is a great thing. When I’m up, that is.

When I’m down, all time away from my kids is sad time. However, I understand that a whole bunch of that is MY SADNESS, and probably has very little to do with my kids or my divorce.

When I’m DOWN, alone-ness is hard. The things I try to remember are:

It ends, I will feel better
If I can exercise, even walking around the block, it is better than moping
Eating is essential, and eating better is even more critical when you are self-medicating
I’m better off not sharing this deep and existential pain with my kids (they will have plenty of time to learn about it for themselves, and they can read my writing about it, LATER.)
Getting enough sleep is essential
Laughing (movies, games, social media) is good medicine for the mind
Waking up at your normal time (not sleeping in unless you are sick) and shaving and taking a shower is good for your body and mind

When I’m UP, well, there’s no lack of projects and activities that I want to get to. I do have to reign in a few things in my UP mode as well.

Getting enough sleep is essential (staying up one night in an inspirational fit is okay, two nights is a problem)
I still have to do my WORK and pay my BILLS (those things often bring me out of my dream-like creative state, but they must be done)
I have to prioritize my time (all play and no work, all fresh air and growth work without any billable hours will get me into trouble pretty quickly)

So today, Sunday, I am still balancing the creative big ideas and the need to get a few hours of work done before Monday morning. And that new guitar sitting over there looking quite pretty and seductive, will have to wait until I get my Dec. hours billed.

I’m alone, but not lonely. And I’m grateful for that. And that I know the difference has had a huge impact on my approach to the feelings of Alone-ness vs. Aloneliness.

Sincerely,

The Off Parent

< back to The Hard Stuff pages

related posts:

resources:

The Divorce Library (reading list)
Songs of Divorce (free listening library – youtube sourced songs)
Laugh It Off (building a resource library of funny videos and other diversions)
Facebook (follow us on Facebook and keep up with all the conversations)
The 5 Love Languages (a book on love styles by Gary Chapman)

image: loneliness, ktoine, creative commons usage

January 6, 2013 | Categories: creativity, dad, depression, divorce, hardstuff, kids, self-care | Tags: alone, alone after divorce, aloneliness, being alone, being depressed, dad misses kids after divorce, dating, depression, divorce depression, divorced and lonely, keeping priorities, kids after divorce, knowing if you're lonely, knowing if you're sad, loss of my kids, missing my kids, priorities | Leave A Comment »

Cherry PopTarts and Love (fathers & daughters in divorce)

I buy them because my daughter loves them. Cherry PopTarts. But when she’s gone, they are hard to resist. Resist I will, however, because I need to get a bit more fit (okay a lot) and eating a PopTart is never the way to go. Today, I’m learning to navigate the junk food isle.

In our family house my ex-y and I shared the shopping. I tended to make the runs to the local grocery store, on the way home from work, “Can I pick something up for dinner.” I was that kind of husband.

She used to make the Costco runs on the weekends. And, god bless her, she’d take the kids. I’d no more want into that movie than… well, I’d rather stay home. Probably to nap. Staying up really late, does take its toll on your energy and daytime running lights.

And the kids would come back all excited and happy. They usually got a treat of some sort. And there were these HUGE boxes of food in the Prius. And I’d unload with my ex-y and often it was all I could do to hold my tongue. Not every time, but at least every other time, she came home with about 40% crap/junk food.

Sure the kids loved Sweettarts but we didn’t need a 5-lb bag. And fruit rollups, and sugary sodas, and all kinds of popsicles and… Well, you get the idea. And you can’t (I can) blame her, going to Costco with kids in tow was a crazy hard task. Maybe if I’d a gotten up and played football with them or something… But a trip to Costco was an EVENT and they always wanted to go. Because they could pick out their own crap.

I recall several times, the very next day, when I had dinner duty, looking in the pantry and refrigerator and saying to myself, “There’s not one fkin staple in the house.” And I’d go to the local store for some tilapia or chicken. GRRRR.

And it wasn’t just the crap that the kids ate, it was the crap that was staring me in the face 24/7. You turn down a coconut popsicle at midnight, when you’re sad, tired, and alone. That part was my fault. I cannot blame my growing girth on my ex-y, but GD do we have to fill the house with all this junk food?

Halloween, Easter, Christmas, Valentine’s… wasn’t that enough? Did our house have to junk shelves year round.

A funny thing happened as I moved out and had to fend for myself, both in the grocery store and at home. I didn’t buy any junk food. Sure I’d get stuff when the kids were going to be with me for the weekend, and I still do (see picture of Cherry PopTarts) but I don’t fill the house with it. My son asks me to cut him an apple almost every night. Sure it’s a few more steps than grabbing a fruit rollup, but damn, one of them is actually good for him.

Dropping the extra pounds is my deal and my challenge. And staring at the pile of Cherry PopTarts in my pantry, I am tempted, BUT I have a strategy when shopping with my kids. If they want a treat of junk food (ONE!) I make sure it’s something I don’t really crave. PopTarts are a hit, but I don’t like Cherry. It’s great that its her favorite flavor.

Last night, late, I had a hard time not ripping into one of the shiny tempting packages of goodness. And everyday until they are gone, I will have the same temptation from time to time. And that’s another part I needed to learn: Listening to what MY body needs. And what it needs right now is a walk, not another cup of coffee.

I love PopTarts, but PopTarts don’t love me back.

Sincerely,

The Off Parent
@theoffparent

back to Single Parenting

A few other posts of interest:

Resources: