The Close of Business Between Us: Taking Back the Heart of Darkness
It wasn’t too long ago, six months I guess, that I was feeling a moment of pause, reflection, and doubt. During a kid drop off moment, I had the idea, “If I’m going to start completely over with someone, I’d rather start completely over with my ex.” Not to remarry, or move back into my old house (we’d certainly gone too far for that) but to actively date for a bit. She was still the one person I wanted to chat with more than anyone. And it wasn’t about sex, although at that moment I had not been with anyone else.
I wrote her an open email about where I was standing. Professed my continued love for her, and proposed we discuss, imagine, see-if something like “dating” would appeal to her as well. I was pretty sure at that point that her “other lovers” totaled about 2, but only one had been confirmed.
But it wasn’t from a place of weakness or sorrow. Actually, it was a place of great strength. I was thinking, “I’m big enough to tell her this.” And a funny thing happened when I sent the email. I was actually able to let go of any expectations of what the result would be. In fact, in many ways, I was releasing her with one final ask, “Are you sure this is what you want. Because it is STILL NOT WHAT I WANT.”
The silence was deafening. About 36 hours later she responded with, “I’m very touched by your offer.” And some more blah blah blah. It was a resounding NO.
But even before she responded I was feeling a huge lift. In a way that I had not felt since she asked for the divorce, I was feeling free of her. I clarified after her ho-hum response. I was not looking to move back in, or really change the current living or even kid schedule, I was merely imagining that we might want to spend some time getting to know each other again before we truly moved on.
It was clear from her lack of follow-up that I was the one still wanting to get to know her. Her last missive on the subject alluded to how I was a “very desirable man” and … blah blah blah… She was not interested.
A few weeks later we made plans to do the kid’s Christmas presents together in my house. She would come to my house since I had the first half of the holiday in our schedule. I could not have done this had I not had this release.
At the end of the 2nd message, I put something in there about going out on the open dating market for the first time. (I don’t know why I needed to put that in.) And sure enough within a few weeks, I was aligned with my dog-loving ice breaker.
Today, many months later, she has let me know she has been seeing her new lover since Dec. At least that gives me the idea that she was really in a place to consider my re-connect offer. Who knows.
And as she has now discovered this blog (Thanks to Google+ and Google’s advertising efforts) I now have even less to talk about. I don’t disdain her. Far from it. But there is a completion to my process with her. I don’t really want to see her when I drop off the kids. I don’t like her renewed fantastic shoe fetish, nor her recut short blonde hairdo. I’d rather not… Not even imagine.
And a helpful concept from the divorce recovery class comes to mind often in our “drop off” encounters.
“Think of your ex as a convenience store clerk. You are there to conduct business and leave. You don’t need to exchange pleasantries or ask how things are going.”
In fact, I’m best not knowing any of the details of her life.
So six months ago, I negotiated our final close of business. And now we are free to date, love, enjoy. And, as she has been in this entire process, she’s still just a few steps ahead of me.
Sincerely,
The Off Parent
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related posts:
- Marriage and Money: A Fairy Tale
- I Must Be Insane: It’s the End of the World, and I Feel Fine
- Stinging the Hand that Feeds
- Winning the Battle, Losing the War
image: I found this black half-heart stone on my walk today, it’s on top of the check I am writing to my ex for child support this month.
resources:
- The Divorce Library (reading list)
- Songs of Divorce (free listening library – youtube sourced songs)
- Laugh It Off (building a resource library of funny videos and other diversions)
- Facebook (follow us on Facebook and keep up with all the conversations)
- The 5 Love Languages (a book on love styles by Gary Chapman)
And Like That, The World of Possibilities Is Endless Again
click for Helmut Newton Nudes
And one day you are imagining that you will never taste another woman, that what you have gotten in your marriage is the ultimate love affair you will ever have. And then…
In a flash, in a very painful and emotional flash, you understand her to mean that she is done. She is giving up. And soon you must leave your own house and make your way alone again. It is a terrible moment.
And you try and soften it with titty bars and drinking and pornography. But none of it satisfies the hunger nor relieves the pain. In a moment, she has chosen the way out for both of you. And while you cannot see it for the tears in your eyes, there is another life waiting out there. It will come. It will not come easy. It will not be like college or porn or fantasy life. But it will come.
And with the taste and raw scent of another woman the painful knot is torn open. Once and for all you can declare your desires and raving passions. Once again, you must believe that you can find a woman who fully enjoys sex and doesn’t run away, or close off in an isolated grip of silence working so hard to climax.
She is out there, this new woman, these new women. And if you are able to heal yourself they might take you in and love you for a while. Who knows, perhaps marriage number three really is the perfect number. But all the things you’ve learned. All the sacrifices you’ve made in the name of doing what she wants. It is over and now you will write your own terms.
The first time the new woman explodes in an odd rage of anger it is a warning. You remain calm. “This is nothing,” you say to yourself. The second time there is a misunderstanding with the new woman you seek her out and try to understand what is happening. When those efforts only create more irrational rage you leave and go home. The third time is the charm, a moment of playful banter becomes war. She is done. Or rather, you are done with her. There is no time to fix anyone. You are looking for a woman who does not need fixing. A woman who does not need saving. A woman who can rub herself to climax while you are fucking her. A woman who wants it again as soon as you are done.
It won’t be weeks or months before the clothes come off this time. You are free to move about the cabin and choose another partner this time. And when the third foul is called and the unanticipated exchange becomes another fight, it is done, and you can let go easily.
Easily this time, because there is no baggage. There is only now. There is only doing right by your kids. There is only the forgetting of what you had and the dreams of what might come again.
Sincerely,
The Off Parent
< back to On Dating Again index
Resources:
- The Divorce Library (reading list)
- Songs of Divorce (free listening library – youtube sourced songs)
- Laugh It Off (building a resource library of funny videos and other diversions)
- Facebook (follow us on Facebook and keep up with all the conversations)
- The 5 Love Languages (a book on love styles by Gary Chapman)
