An Ending Signals a New Beginning
Again, yesterday was a big day. Wrote the “back off biache” post to my ex-y and this one. This was a summary to the over thinking woman with potential, in response to an email from her about why I was giving her the silent treatment.
I’m not trying to be silent. I spent most of yesterday securing my replacement computer. Today I will most likely be transferring and setting it up.
I’m happy to see you in person and talk. I’m not that interested in the phone right now.
My condensed version of the disconnection for me: (nothing communicates clearer than a few bullet points)
- I find you wonderfully attractive and intellectually euphoric.
- What I arrived at the morning at breakfast was my theory of progression (spend time with someone, grow closer, share affection) was missing the last component between us.
- Time. You said something after I have my pitch that I found illuminating. “If things did develop into a relationship, then you want to (desire) spend even more time with them.”
I had to let that sink in for a few days before I got it. My assumption is that this IS the desired result of getting closer. What I heard you saying about yourself is, that’s where some of the hesitation is.
- Touch. In my own path to wholeness after divorce, I discovered a book call the 5 love languages. It seems to me that my love language is physical touch. My ex-wife’s language was something else. I won’t project what yours might be. Mine looks like: holding hands, snuggling, random strokes of affection and greeting. In my marriage I was often required to go without affectionate touch for long stretches of time. I am seeking someone who connects with physical closeness, even in the early stages of relating.
I hope this provides some closure. I do not want to shy away from sharing with integrity. And maybe I got it wrong. I’m happy to hear your take.
She was none to happy. She responded with some slap shot about how I had stood her up and how she wanted someone who was reliable. I was confused. I asked for clarification.
She responded, “I told you I was interested in a friendship but not if you’re going to be unreliable. Let’s give each other some space and see how we feel after I’m back in mid-June.”
Turns out she was expecting we would’ve gotten together, not that I had actually stood her up. I’m not sure where the unreliable thing came from. In several subsequent messages I got more clarification and more confusion.
She said, “I love physical affection but not with someone I don’t know well. I don’t feel up for getting together right now.”
Umm. Okay, that’s what I was saying. I closed with this, “Apologies for it not working out yesterday. I was satisfied with your written answer. Safe travels.”
I wish her well in trying to get to know someone well. I guess this is what sort of happened 15 years ago when we first began hanging out together. There was all this talk, and then nothing. I don’t know what it takes for her to get to know someone, but if you’re not kissing after 5 dates, when all things are go, you might as well not be kissing ever.
Obviously all things were not GO for her. I know I didn’t fit, nor did I want to fit, into her scheduled box. I wanted to break out of both of our boxes with unexpected joy. That never happened. Time to move one.
So with some clarity and simplification I move back into scanning mode. Woman with potential #2 is still in the constellation, but she’s finding it hard to return my phone calls again. Or follow through with a message that says, “Call you on the phone later,” when she doesn’t. It’s okay. She’s SO PRIME, I’ll wait for ever. BUT I won’t be waiting around with my hands in my pockets. That’s called bad farming.
So back to OKC. I have two potential conversations on the line. I’m interested to see how I move forward. I’m a bit more conscious of my time, and time off. I’m a bit more reluctant to spend even an hour with someone who’s not even close. I’m learning how to focus on myself and my own growth and needs. And when the relationship arrives, IT WILL BE EASY.
I am certain I will not have to manufacture love, in order for it to happen. I’ve tried that. I don’t have to woo too hard. I’m often overwhelming when I turn on the charm, or perhaps over sharing.
And I’ve shared snippets of the poetry that has come from being with woman with potential #2. But I’ve not asked for feedback or tried in any way to accelerate the pace. We held hands and snuggled last time. She is very touchable. She is also very busy and very private. I seem to have been pursuing her across two marriages and many lifetimes. And she is responding. So let’s breathe. Take it slow. And keep working on MYSELF and MY ISSUES.
When SHE decides to reveal herself I am ever more prepared to articulate my vision and desires. I’m waiting to hear hers.
UPDATE: As I’m typing this message. The remaining woman with potential hits me up on Facebook. She’s sort of explaining about why she didn’t call when she said she would. I posted back to her with this love note.
“I’m so happy I could burst.
I’m ‘ultra-casual’ as I said the other night. That concept kinda suits me well at the moment. No pacing or intention, just intentionality and time.”
All I can say, “God moves in mysterious ways.”
The Off Parent
- The Divorce Library (reading list)
- Songs of Divorce (free listening library – youtube sourced songs)
- Laugh It Off (building a resource library of funny videos and other diversions)
- Facebook (follow us on Facebook and keep up with all the conversations)
Wish You Well by Bernard Fanning